Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My Husband and I have been together for 20 yrs. He is early 40's and me late 30's. Up until two years ago we had a very physical & intimate relationship. Then it all seemed to stop on his part. No more passionate kissing, sex was hurried, no more touching etc... He has had probs with ED and is on Cialis and gone to the Dr. who said his T-levels are normal, but I have asked him to look into it further since normal is different for everyone and his was probably VERY high before. He says he still loves me and does not want to leave but he has no interest in sex or anything else. He does not get excited about anything and lacks drive and he said that there is something wrong with him and he wants to fix it but doesn't know how. It all sounds like T levels to me from what I have read. But if he does not explore it further what should I do? He is always active (but not passionate) when I initiate sex and he will initiate about once every two weeks. We currently have sex 2x's\wk ( initiated by me) and it is good but we rarely make love. It is usually a few quick flicks with the hand and then stick it in. Until about three months ago, I thought he had lost attraction to me and I distanced myself sexually as well, which didn't help. So now I realize that there may be a lot of other factors at work. Unfortunately, I sometimes feel "cheap" after sex. So do I continue to initiate and hope for improvement? I want to be supportive so I am not keen on ultimatums.
What he is struggling with may be more than just his hormones. Could he be struggling with a form of depression or under high stress? Unfortunately if he doesn't want to explore it, other than telling him how you feel about the situation and occasionally encouraging him to do so, there isn't anything you can do. He has to want to do something about it. I would encourage you to keep initiating sex as long as you want it. The thing here is that both of you need to be honest with each other about what you are feeling and hoping for, and what you are going to do together to improve things.
He is under high stress at work and I believe he was depressed last year but doesn't seem to be now. It is very difficult because I long for what we used to have but I don't know how or if we can get it back. We talk openly about it occasionally. I told him I was not sure what to do and his response was "Do what you want, if you want sex, initiate it. It is not that I dont want you, I just have no interest etc.." That is why I continue to initiate but sometimes I pull back emotionally and physically because it seems like throwing yourself at someone who doesn't want you. Kissing is such an intimate act and I get nothing more then the quick pecks hello/goodbye. Do I guess I question whether or not I should be having sex with someone who doesn't even want to kiss me. If he was a boyfriend the simple answer would be hell no. But I know what we used to have and so there is hope. It is just that he used to be so affectionate and it is very hard to accept the change from being with someone who couldn't keep their hands off of you to someone who doesn't want to put them on you. We still cuddle in bed. So I constantly go between persist and give up.
I should also mention that he used to enjoy watching porn and would check it out online, which I was ok with. He doesn't even do this anymore. So it is not just me. And I know he is not having an affair as he is always home with us
A few mixed signals in your husband's behavior. You say he can perform but doesn't initiate and doesn't do other things either. He says he has no desire and doesn't know what to do about it. That he can perform works for you to an extent, but everything else is mechanical, so why does he not do them either? I mean for your sake, for your pleasure. Being that he has no desire, then perhaps he won't do any passionate kissing and displays of affection, but why not hand play and oral sex for you even if not all the time? He has lost desire for some strange reason, but he did not lose his common sense or ability to reason. He is well aware you still have desire and you still have needs. Perhaps it will take an anvil falling on his head to get him in gear. You have your choice of two anvils.........
To tell you the truth, I don't believe there is anything wrong because of another mixed signal from him in the fact that he essentially told you if you want it, come and get it. It just sounds to me like he DECIDED to check out, to disengage for some reason - either to prove a point to you (any prior conversations come to mind?) or to punish you. Obviously, I could be wrong on this, but it is what I'm thinking and I know I would not appreciate my husband setting that kind of precedent and tone in our marriage. It just seems too deliberate to me. Therefore, my first anvil choice would be shock treatment back to reality. I would make him think I have the attentions of another man. Change all my passwords. Shut down the computer when I finish. Close out of email. Mysteriously be away from home at odd hours. I would think of things to do to make him suspicious. Yes, this is a mind game so do it or don't. It's up to you. If you don't like the idea, then another way to shock him is to leave. Yep, another mind game, but I only suggest these because I really think he is playing mind games. I would tell him flat out I think he is acting and I refuse to allow him to manipulate me any more, and then I'd walk out the door. Even if I were wrong about the acting part, this will surely get his juices flowing I bet.
Well, I don't know how brave you are to try either of those shock treatment options. If you prefer not to or you honestly believe there is no way he is faking, then your second anvil choice is to try enhancements like an aphrodisiac. I suggest ginseng normally, but I am not aware of any others. Maybe you can research them. Check this thread for my explanation of ginseng. As I mentioned there, you cannot expect ginseng to make him horny, meaning it will not necessarily make him WANT sex. In the way that ginseng works, it makes sex more pleasurable, a LOT more, which translates to more passion for your sake. Honestly, I believe he is faking like I said before. From your description of and satisfaction with your previous sex life, I don't believe he has innocently forgotten you have needs and has gotten so lazy and complacent as to be this neglectful. I also don't like that he challenged you to get what you want when you want it. All of it is just too suspicious to me.
And just food for thought, it makes zero sense for anyone to ever say "And I know he is not having an affair as he is always home with us" since you have no idea of his activities when he is not at home with you. You cannot know what he does at work. You cannot know if he stays at work the entire time. You cannot know where he is at lunch time. I'm not trying to suggest he is having an affair and not trying to make you wonder about it. I'm only pointing out you do not have any idea what a person is doing when they are not in your eyesight. I don't know why women like to fool themselves to the extent of saying "I know" or "there's no way" and so on.
And just food for thought, it makes zero sense for anyone to ever say "And I know he is not having an affair as he is always home with us" .
We work in the same building and see each other frequently throughout the day, so unless he is very good at taking a quickie in his open room office, I am pretty sure he is not having an affair. Also, when I said that he has no interest in anything else, I did not mean sexually. I mean like he used to take great care of the home and doesn't anymore. He used to really enjoy fishing, boating, cycling etc... and has not participated in these activities for the last two years. He has literally lost interest in everything. If it was only in sex with me then I would know what to do. I thank you for your advice but thought I should explain things a little better.
Oh Testosterone... the numbers game, you hinted in your 1st
post you feel he was probably HIGH Test before this change --
What they call normal levels is : 250-1100- but what was NORMAL for him, that is the question? Lets say he was 800ish before and he dropped to 400ish (still considered normal) but for him- this could be catastophic: loss of desire, falling asleep after work, brain fog, erection problems. But docs will be reluctant to give him anything because he is within those "normal limits" lab testing wise. Encronologists generally look at this MORE than symptoms-and this is very unfortunate for the High test man who takes a dive . What is difficult about this is Men never get thier numbers tested when they feel GOOD, so the Docs have no idea how far they have fallen. And this is what makes all the difference in the world!
I had my husband tested 2 ys ago , he was a little stressed on His job plus I changed -turning into a Nympho suddenly & I couldn't understand why he couldn't keep up with me (funny looking back now)- His numbers were 323ish -450ish (in his mid 40's) - he does quite well with those numbers, but I believe he was NEVER a High test man -even in his younger years because he was never high energy, needed sex nightly kinda guy. Even though the Encronologist told me those levels are generally seen in 60 yr olds, that he should be 500-600 range. This frightened me , so I started reading.
I have 3 books on Testosterone, and I was very much relieved to learn (in his case) that the numbers mean Less than the physical symptoms many times. And best to find a Doc who will CARE about his symptoms -over the numbers (if infact they are lower normal ). I have ran into some men on forums who were telling me my husband needed treatment because his numbers were lower than theirs -but stangely their symptoms were MUCH more DIRE than his, so I was confused. And these men WERE getting treatment at 350-450 range. And they say it has changed their whole life, they feel revalized, young again.
One of my books explained this very well -how a high test man who , for whatever reason, takes a huge dive in his numbers will feel worse & have MORE symptoms than the lower test man who has lower numbers, only his are slightly declining a few notches every year as he ages. -and this is all very normal with little noticable effect.
Then these levels can take a dive if depressed or alot of stress and maybe they will go back up in time also. Something to work on-before jumping into any treatment, once started, it is for life.
Call his Doc and ask for the Lab report, get all of his numbers for a starter. I would suspect something hormonally going on - or depression -from what you describe.