A few mixed signals in your husband's behavior. You say he can perform but doesn't initiate and doesn't do other things either. He says he has no desire and doesn't know what to do about it. That he can perform works for you to an extent, but everything else is mechanical, so why does he not do them either? I mean for your sake, for your pleasure. Being that he has no desire, then perhaps he won't do any passionate kissing and displays of affection, but why not hand play and oral sex for you even if not all the time? He has lost desire for some strange reason, but he did not lose his common sense or ability to reason. He is well aware you still have desire and you still have needs. Perhaps it will take an anvil falling on his head to get him in gear. You have your choice of two anvils.........
To tell you the truth, I don't believe there is anything wrong because of another mixed signal from him in the fact that he essentially told you if you want it, come and get it. It just sounds to me like he DECIDED to check out, to disengage for some reason - either to prove a point to you (any prior conversations come to mind?) or to punish you. Obviously, I could be wrong on this, but it is what I'm thinking and I know I would not appreciate my husband setting that kind of precedent and tone in our marriage. It just seems too deliberate to me. Therefore, my first anvil choice would be shock treatment back to reality. I would make him think I have the attentions of another man. Change all my passwords. Shut down the computer when I finish. Close out of email. Mysteriously be away from home at odd hours. I would think of things to do to make him suspicious. Yes, this is a mind game so do it or don't. It's up to you. If you don't like the idea, then another way to shock him is to leave. Yep, another mind game, but I only suggest these because I really think he is playing mind games. I would tell him flat out I think he is acting and I refuse to allow him to manipulate me any more, and then I'd walk out the door. Even if I were wrong about the acting part, this will surely get his juices flowing I bet.
Well, I don't know how brave you are to try either of those shock treatment options. If you prefer not to or you honestly believe there is no way he is faking, then your second anvil choice is to try enhancements like an aphrodisiac. I suggest ginseng normally, but I am not aware of any others. Maybe you can research them. Check this thread
for my explanation of ginseng. As I mentioned there, you cannot expect ginseng to make him horny, meaning it will not necessarily make him WANT sex. In the way that ginseng works, it makes sex more pleasurable, a LOT more, which translates to more passion for your sake. Honestly, I believe he is faking like I said before. From your description of and satisfaction with your previous sex life, I don't believe he has innocently forgotten you have needs and has gotten so lazy and complacent as to be this neglectful. I also don't like that he challenged you to get what you want when you want it. All of it is just too suspicious to me.
And just food for thought, it makes zero sense for anyone to ever say "And I know he is not having an affair as he is always home with us
" since you have no idea of his activities when he is not at home with you. You cannot know what he does at work. You cannot know if he stays at work the entire time. You cannot know where he is at lunch time. I'm not trying to suggest he is having an affair and not trying to make you wonder about it. I'm only pointing out you do not have any idea what a person is doing when they are not in your eyesight. I don't know why women like to fool themselves to the extent of saying "I know" or "there's no way" and so on.