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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-03-2010, 09:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

Maybe you all can tell me if my solution to our problem is wrong. My wife has come out and said she has a low / no sex drive. I on the other hand am ready all the time. Recently due to an event in our lives this has taken a toll on our marriage. I find myself constantly arguing with myself that the reason for her low/ no drive is because I just don't have anymore what I had early on that allowed us to have sex more often. She said that is not the case and that she still finds me very attractive and everything except that her desire for sex is just not there. It has nothing to do with me.

Since my wife loves me and wants me to be happy she has told me that she is willing to do other things to satisfy my need. She would only pleasure me and not want anything in return. I think I am okay with this even though I will miss the enjoyment of pleasuring her which will only come when she feels the need on those rare occasions. Am I being selfish by allowing her to only pleasure me to satisfy my need or should I be okay with it all? She said she would let me know when she feels the need herself and I can pleasure her but until then she will only satisfy me when she senses I am feeling needy. I just want to see what you all think..

Thanks,
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Old 06-03-2010, 10:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

During our 21 years together - we have had 3 kids - and she has had two episodes of pelvic inflammation lasting about 2 months each. After delivering each kid and during the inflammation periods she regularly offered to please me. With the kids I said yes maybe 3-4 times a week until she healed. I was younger then and - maybe more selfish.

The inflammation stuff was during the last 3 years and during those episodes I tried really hard to read her - so I could tell when she was offering purely out of guilt as opposed to a sincere desire to do something nice for me.

The guilt driven offers - I hug her - tell her I love her and ask her if we can spoon while we watch tv. My way of saying no thanks. But the offers that seemed to come from a genuine desire to do something loving for me - I said yes to.

My wife is a giver. Wonderful quality in a spouse. I believe the feels that I am also a giver.



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Originally Posted by kevsand718 View Post
Maybe you all can tell me if my solution to our problem is wrong. My wife has come out and said she has a low / no sex drive. I on the other hand am ready all the time. Recently due to an event in our lives this has taken a toll on our marriage. I find myself constantly arguing with myself that the reason for her low/ no drive is because I just don't have anymore what I had early on that allowed us to have sex more often. She said that is not the case and that she still finds me very attractive and everything except that her desire for sex is just not there. It has nothing to do with me.

Since my wife loves me and wants me to be happy she has told me that she is willing to do other things to satisfy my need. She would only pleasure me and not want anything in return. I think I am okay with this even though I will miss the enjoyment of pleasuring her which will only come when she feels the need on those rare occasions. Am I being selfish by allowing her to only pleasure me to satisfy my need or should I be okay with it all? She said she would let me know when she feels the need herself and I can pleasure her but until then she will only satisfy me when she senses I am feeling needy. I just want to see what you all think..

Thanks,
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Old 06-03-2010, 10:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

During those times I also went out of my way to give her several long full body massages a week. While I do that, we have nice conversations, lightly overlaid with me telling her how much I love to touch her. This was my way of trying to keep the physical connection between us from becoming woefully one sided....

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During our 21 years together - we have had 3 kids - and she has had two episodes of pelvic inflammation lasting about 2 months each. After delivering each kid and during the inflammation periods she regularly offered to please me. With the kids I said yes maybe 3-4 times a week until she healed. I was younger then and - maybe more selfish.

The inflammation stuff was during the last 3 years and during those episodes I tried really hard to read her - so I could tell when she was offering purely out of guilt as opposed to a sincere desire to do something nice for me.

The guilt driven offers - I hug her - tell her I love her and ask her if we can spoon while we watch tv. My way of saying no thanks. But the offers that seemed to come from a genuine desire to do something loving for me - I said yes to.

My wife is a giver. Wonderful quality in a spouse. I believe the feels that I am also a giver.
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Old 06-03-2010, 10:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

kevsand718, would you please be REAL nice to your wife. Yes, I believe it would be selfish of you to accept her offer. The thing is, I can't imagine who wouldn't be selfish in that manner LOL. But I do think she is nuts to make the offer. Very considerate of her, but it's just too much to live up to. I'm not trying to predict the demands of your libido. I'm talking about the unlikelihood she will want to follow through every time. If nothing else, it will grow old for her, and she will begin to feel it a chore. I think she's sweet to offer and shows how much she truly cares for you. I just don't think she is thinking straight, I mean there are extremely few women who say "yes" every single time. So when it gets down to it, one of two things will happen: She will begin to tell you she doesn't feel like it, and you will then wonder what happened to "loves me and wants me to be happy . . . willing to do other things to satisfy my need." So will you become resentful? Or, she will do it begrudgingly because she knows she made that promise. You will probably detect she really doesn't want to (read MEM11363's post again).

I don't see any harm in being okay with it all, just please be nice to her so she remains willing, rather than obligated or resentful, when the occasions arrive when she really doesn't feel like it.

And hey, lucky you!
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Old 06-04-2010, 12:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

I'd focus more on WHY she doesn't have a sex drive. Is she on Birth Control? Does she have hormone issues, etc. Instead of ignoring the problem, both of you would be better off working together to figure it out.

It's understandable she may not have a high sex drive. But no sex drive at all? There is either something chemically or emotionally causing this.
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Old 06-04-2010, 07:36 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

Susan2010,
Your response really hit home. It made sense when me and my wife discussed it and she told me "i like doing that for you" but now I see differently. I surely don't want it to become a chore and I do see how it could become "old" over time. Also now that she said "ok" to it all she might feel like she is obligated to keep that promise. This is not what i want at all. I think she has probably agreed to all of this because I am healing over her cheating. I am dealing with a lot of emotions and it is taking a toll on our marriage so I think she is willing to do whatever it takes to show her love to me. Which is fine but i don't want it to be by promises she might regret later.

Mem1163,
I have also taken your response to heart. My wife is also a giver. I do offer her massages that are non sexual. She takes me up sometimes. I always tell her how beautiful she is, I stroke her hair, kiss her nape and lovingly touch her in a non sexual way. It's hard to not want her after all of this. However I like your advice and would like to do those things instead and just handle the release on my own. She means more to me then just the sex or her satisfying my need.

Crypsys,
My wife is on birth control, We have 4 kids to which she is home with 2 all day long. We are currently in counseling because of her cheating. just recently went through an abortion. So I lot of things currently contribute to her low/ no sex drive. Will this change after a few years? Maybe... she has not gone for a hormone test. We were thinking about it. We just attribute the lack of, to all these things going on in our lives. She is willing to work on it though and try to regain her drive.
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Old 06-04-2010, 09:13 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

Back up - I think I did a poor job explaining what happens in our house. We DO have a compromise - about half way between her ideal frequency and mine.

The idea that we would ONLY do it when she was "in the mood" is not acceptable to me. She has taught me how to get her in the mood, when she starts out "not" in the mood.

You need to stand up for your needs as well. And you wife should WANT to please you a certain amount - that is simply part of being a good partner.




Quote:
Originally Posted by kevsand718 View Post
Maybe you all can tell me if my solution to our problem is wrong. My wife has come out and said she has a low / no sex drive. I on the other hand am ready all the time. Recently due to an event in our lives this has taken a toll on our marriage. I find myself constantly arguing with myself that the reason for her low/ no drive is because I just don't have anymore what I had early on that allowed us to have sex more often. She said that is not the case and that she still finds me very attractive and everything except that her desire for sex is just not there. It has nothing to do with me.

Since my wife loves me and wants me to be happy she has told me that she is willing to do other things to satisfy my need. She would only pleasure me and not want anything in return. I think I am okay with this even though I will miss the enjoyment of pleasuring her which will only come when she feels the need on those rare occasions. Am I being selfish by allowing her to only pleasure me to satisfy my need or should I be okay with it all? She said she would let me know when she feels the need herself and I can pleasure her but until then she will only satisfy me when she senses I am feeling needy. I just want to see what you all think..

Thanks,
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Old 06-04-2010, 09:34 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

MEM11363,
Thanks for clarifying. My wife says she doesn't exactly know what gets her in the mood. She just said I need to start with her breasts. I have been reading that women are usually in the mood just days before their period and then just days after. I know about when that is for my wife. I guess I will just have to pay a bit more attention to it and initiate on those days. She has said I can get her in the mood. I guess i just have bad timing. hehe

It's difficult to get her to a relaxed state with 4 kids and a lot of family things on her mind. She always feels like she needs to be "on call" for them. I have told her i can handle anything if needed but i think it's just in her head and she can't let it go.
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Old 06-04-2010, 06:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

you ever try being physically dominant - pinning her down - taking a "I'm in charge" tone. Simple commands in a powerful voice - strip - lay on the bed - etc. Works magic with the right women - about half of all women LOVE this stuff....

I don't know - is often code for "I am embarrassed to tell you" wanting to be dominated, or even treated roughly - that is scary stuff. Intense and exciting - but scary.

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MEM11363,
Thanks for clarifying. My wife says she doesn't exactly know what gets her in the mood. She just said I need to start with her breasts. I have been reading that women are usually in the mood just days before their period and then just days after. I know about when that is for my wife. I guess I will just have to pay a bit more attention to it and initiate on those days. She has said I can get her in the mood. I guess i just have bad timing. hehe

It's difficult to get her to a relaxed state with 4 kids and a lot of family things on her mind. She always feels like she needs to be "on call" for them. I have told her i can handle anything if needed but i think it's just in her head and she can't let it go.
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Old 06-04-2010, 10:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

What kind of birth control is she using? Things like the pill can kill sex drive. They sure killed mine.
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Old 06-05-2010, 12:35 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

Mem,
I haven't tried that fully. I'll take that into consideration.

Veryshygirl,
She is on the pill. I have read in a few places that taking the pill can lower your drive. Were thinking about changing to something else.
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Old 06-05-2010, 02:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

Pill can be a HUGE desire killer. We always used a diaphram - works like a charm.


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Mem,
I haven't tried that fully. I'll take that into consideration.

Veryshygirl,
She is on the pill. I have read in a few places that taking the pill can lower your drive. Were thinking about changing to something else.
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Old 06-06-2010, 07:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

you want more kids? you see what 4 is doing to your marriage. get a vasectomy. best thing i ever did. you'll be lucky if it's just the birth control pills, but this variable could be eliminated. truthfully, with the recent affair, it sounds like her issues are related to this. i assume you are certain she's not still having the affair.
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Old 06-06-2010, 09:41 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default vasectomy

I got a vasectomy after our third and last child. That was our agreement. BEST thing I ever did.


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you want more kids? you see what 4 is doing to your marriage. get a vasectomy. best thing i ever did. you'll be lucky if it's just the birth control pills, but this variable could be eliminated. truthfully, with the recent affair, it sounds like her issues are related to this. i assume you are certain she's not still having the affair.
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Old 06-07-2010, 01:03 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes low / no sex drive - is my solution wrong?

First of all, try to find out what is the cause of her low/no libido. If she isn't willing to look at that issue, or if it is not "fixable", then still don't fret. I'm not the best person to be giving you advice (never had a sex drive myself) but from my view, there is nothing wrong with what you proposed - her give you pleasure when you need it.

It isn't selfish at all. People have needs - you need sex, she might need something totally different (see that Five Love Languages book). I'm sure she is aware of this and its no big deal to take a bit of time out each day (or however often) to satisfy your needs. As long as you're not looking for a marathon sex session every day, which I doubt you are, I'm sure she won't have a problem with this arrangement. The only thing to remember is that if she doesn't have a sex drive she may not even think of sex, so you may have to ask her every now and again, when the need becomes too strong. Jog her memory.. lol.

Oh yeah and look into the pill she's on. Those things are HUGE desire killers. I've read so many posts from people saying the same thing - all different brands, they seem to all be a desire killer. From what the other responses said, there seems to be a lot of non-pill alternatives out there to look into. Try not to consider getting the implant (its called Implanon here where I live) because it works the same way as the pill - desire killer. My female friends are always going on about it.. lol.
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