So, you and your husband had an open marriage? Did you consumate with another during this time? I ask because that may have only further complicated your underlying issues. Can I ask what ages?
If your husband loves you and wants to get to the bottom of helping your needs, he
-needs to check his late nite computing at the door, if its what it might be and habitual
-needs to get checked physically for low testosterone
-needs to openly hash over his thoughts with you on both of your situations and how eachother feels. Low patience for this is a bad sign.
-needs more excercise, or activity that stimulates his hormones
If the two of you square off on the subject of sex for a while, you will likely get to the bottom of your situation and maybe find a place to settle. Part of this is recognizing what is impossible. Neither men's nor women's hormones "rage" as they get older. Still, finding the middle may get you to a place where saying "could be better" is the worst of it.
Yes, I was with another man during the time he gave me to find a lover. I was very content at that time. We talked about it and discussed it for half a year before he felt comfortable with it. I thought things would work out that way. And I gave it up when he asked me to. The affair lasted about 3 months before he asked me to give it up.
I can understand his fear of me leaving him. But if things don't change I think it will come down to me leaving anyways.
We have talked, and seen doctors, and gone to counseling and marriage therapy. And it always comes down to this: he feels he can not change for me. We have just stopped going to counseling. We went for about 6 months and it boiled down to him saying that he doesn't feel he can change. He is happy with himself, he is happy getting sex once a month and doesn't feel I should "force him to change." He thinks I'm being selfish and in a way he makes me feel that way. I don't think it's fair of me to make him change, isn't it also unfair of him to force me to change my sex life to match his? I am even willing to compromise--sex once a week rather than 2 or 3 times a week.
In the past we would make the effort for a couple of months and then tell me it's just to much stress for him. He needs his time on the computer, or his time to read or his time to build model cars, planes ect...I have even tried to play his computer games with him. I played Everquest for a WHOLE YEAR! I tried to like it but I never got pass level 15. He complained that I treated the game like a giant chat room instead of doing raids with him and such. I just did not see the point in the game. It doesn't end you know? These role playing games, and they are so confusing with their races and classes and points and leveling. I just like chatting with other people in game. But apparently that is not the point in those games.
I'm just at the end of my rope right now. I don't want to have an affair, and in a way I don't think I'm in much danger of that since this other man has shown zero interest in me. But part of me feels that I'm just waiting for the children to grow up and leave the nest so that I can leave too.