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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-09-2010, 12:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default sexless marriage

I just need a place to vent or something. I've been with my husband for 15 years. Before I met him I had a very active sex life. I have always enjoyed sex, was never a frigid sort of woman. But my husband has very little interest in sex.

He is a wonderful man in all other areas. He's kind, a great father, works hard, smart, funny. I love spending time with him. And I want to share my sex life with him, I want to give him that intimacy and have it returned. But he has no real need or want for it and feels it is unfair of me to force him into a sexual life.

We have sex about once a month and for him that is more than enough, but I feel so starved and rejected. He makes me feel like a freak for wanting it more.

SO many people think we are such a happy couple. But I'm so secretly miserable. The few lady friends I have opened up to think I'm crazy. They would LOVE it if their husband didn't want sex all that much. They don't understand me.

We've tried in the past trying to work through this. At one time he gave me permission to seek out other sexual partners. I felt alive again, and beautiful again, and happy. But he began to feel afraid that I would leave him for another man. So we put an end to it, but he promised he would be more active in the bedroom. But after about a month he went back to his old ways of staying up late on the computer and refusing my sexual advances.

In many ways I want to leave him. I love him, but it hurts so much to live with such polite affection and no passion. But we have two kids and my career is stalled, I have no money to leave and have never really been on my own. I also have no family left that could help me. If I walk out that door I have no where to go. No mom, dad, aunt or sister or any other family I can turn to.

Sometimes I think if I had a better job, or if my career would pay for my student loans I would leave him. But then I get scared. I do love this man, I care so much for him. I'm just so sick and tired of having my physical needs for intimacy rejected.

I think, if he loved me--wouldn't he want to be with me? He knows it hurts me so, he has told me that he understand that this is painful for me--but he just can not be someone he isn't. I feel this whole marriage has been a tragic mistake.

Recently I've been tempted to have an affair. I think the only reason I haven't had one yet is that the man I have a crush on has not shown any interest in me. If this other man had ever shown in interest in me I'm fairly sure I would slept with him. And the sad thing is, one of the things that I like about this man is that in many ways he makes me think of my husband. Except that I would hope that he would find me sexually pleasing.

UGH!

I'm sorry if this is too long or weird or too much information. I just need to let it all out for a minute or two. I keep so much of this to myself. Like I said everyone thinks we have this great marriage and when I do express this sort of dissatisfaction none of my female friends seem to understand.
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Old 06-09-2010, 12:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: sexless marriage

Honey is that you?

I have the same problem with my beautiful wife. No Sex, No Intimacy. Same years of marriage and we have two kids but every time I broach the subject its turns into a mess. When we do make love its mechanical and unfeeling.

I feel for you. I hope you can reach him and make him understand that you need him. Every day goes by the build up of resentment gets harder to shake off. Good Luck
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Old 06-09-2010, 02:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: sexless marriage

So, you and your husband had an open marriage? Did you consumate with another during this time? I ask because that may have only further complicated your underlying issues. Can I ask what ages?

If your husband loves you and wants to get to the bottom of helping your needs, he

-needs to check his late nite computing at the door, if its what it might be and habitual
-needs to get checked physically for low testosterone
-needs to openly hash over his thoughts with you on both of your situations and how eachother feels. Low patience for this is a bad sign.
-needs more excercise, or activity that stimulates his hormones

If the two of you square off on the subject of sex for a while, you will likely get to the bottom of your situation and maybe find a place to settle. Part of this is recognizing what is impossible. Neither men's nor women's hormones "rage" as they get older. Still, finding the middle may get you to a place where saying "could be better" is the worst of it.
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Old 06-09-2010, 03:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: sexless marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by TommysDad View Post
Honey is that you?

I have the same problem with my beautiful wife. No Sex, No Intimacy. Same years of marriage and we have two kids but every time I broach the subject its turns into a mess. When we do make love its mechanical and unfeeling.

I feel for you. I hope you can reach him and make him understand that you need him. Every day goes by the build up of resentment gets harder to shake off. Good Luck
Thanks for your response. I know it's hard and I hope you and your wife can work it out as well. Good Luck to you too. Let me know if you ever need an understanding ear.
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Old 06-09-2010, 03:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Unit4 View Post
So, you and your husband had an open marriage? Did you consumate with another during this time? I ask because that may have only further complicated your underlying issues. Can I ask what ages?

If your husband loves you and wants to get to the bottom of helping your needs, he

-needs to check his late nite computing at the door, if its what it might be and habitual
-needs to get checked physically for low testosterone
-needs to openly hash over his thoughts with you on both of your situations and how eachother feels. Low patience for this is a bad sign.
-needs more excercise, or activity that stimulates his hormones

If the two of you square off on the subject of sex for a while, you will likely get to the bottom of your situation and maybe find a place to settle. Part of this is recognizing what is impossible. Neither men's nor women's hormones "rage" as they get older. Still, finding the middle may get you to a place where saying "could be better" is the worst of it.
Yes, I was with another man during the time he gave me to find a lover. I was very content at that time. We talked about it and discussed it for half a year before he felt comfortable with it. I thought things would work out that way. And I gave it up when he asked me to. The affair lasted about 3 months before he asked me to give it up.

I can understand his fear of me leaving him. But if things don't change I think it will come down to me leaving anyways.

We have talked, and seen doctors, and gone to counseling and marriage therapy. And it always comes down to this: he feels he can not change for me. We have just stopped going to counseling. We went for about 6 months and it boiled down to him saying that he doesn't feel he can change. He is happy with himself, he is happy getting sex once a month and doesn't feel I should "force him to change." He thinks I'm being selfish and in a way he makes me feel that way. I don't think it's fair of me to make him change, isn't it also unfair of him to force me to change my sex life to match his? I am even willing to compromise--sex once a week rather than 2 or 3 times a week.

In the past we would make the effort for a couple of months and then tell me it's just to much stress for him. He needs his time on the computer, or his time to read or his time to build model cars, planes ect...I have even tried to play his computer games with him. I played Everquest for a WHOLE YEAR! I tried to like it but I never got pass level 15. He complained that I treated the game like a giant chat room instead of doing raids with him and such. I just did not see the point in the game. It doesn't end you know? These role playing games, and they are so confusing with their races and classes and points and leveling. I just like chatting with other people in game. But apparently that is not the point in those games.

I'm just at the end of my rope right now. I don't want to have an affair, and in a way I don't think I'm in much danger of that since this other man has shown zero interest in me. But part of me feels that I'm just waiting for the children to grow up and leave the nest so that I can leave too.
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Old 06-09-2010, 04:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: sexless marriage

sailorgirl,
as a guy that loves computer games, I believe your husband has made very little effort in improving the sex life.

when i'm deep into video games, I have very little desire for real life issues. I guarantee that if i were to play video games like I did when I was single, we'd be having WAY LESS sex. I quit gaming completely and haven't touched a game ever since I got married. Even for a short time period, like 3 weeks of intense gaming, will be 3 weeks that I am not building intimacy with my wife. She's too important to me for me to allow that to happen for even a short period of time, let alone let it get so far as to ruin my marriage and my wife's sexual livelihood.

It's long due for him to put his wife's needs above his boyhood hobbies. Being addicted to gaming, or internet communities, or anything else that turns me into a mouse potato is hugely detrimental to my marriage. Somehow, I have found other hobbies (like sports and music) to be good "me time" without taking over my mind, body, and sex drive.

Good luck but I doubt much will change.
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Old 06-09-2010, 04:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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sailorgirl,
to add: don't underestimate how addicting games can be, especially games like Everquest.

Sad as it may be, you may have to tell him to choose games or his wife. He will think you are being unreasonable, but I think it seriously might come down to this.
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Old 06-09-2010, 04:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by glitchathon View Post
sailorgirl,
to add: don't underestimate how addicting games can be, especially games like Everquest.

Sad as it may be, you may have to tell him to choose games or his wife. He will think you are being unreasonable, but I think it seriously might come down to this.
I am afraid that if I force him to choose, he will choose the games. I don't know what to do after that. I have 40K in student loans and 20K in medical bills. My entire pay check goes to paying off those. How will I live and take care of my kids if I leave him? I think that is one of my biggest fears.

I think in someways I have already emotionality left the marriage. I'm just sticking with it because 1) The kids have no idea--we never fight in front of them and we do a lot of family activities together. 2) I'm scared to be on my own.
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Old 06-09-2010, 05:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Ugh, so its probably a compulsive hobby. I feel for you. I spent the second month of my marriage rebuilding the engine of a sports car (not a mechanic) and will take that, and worse, to my grave.

You deserve credit for going through counciling and not getting into what could have been a pi#$ing contest. It's bad that six months of it didn't bring him around to noticing what is distracting him from the priority, which should be you. One of the most emphatic moments in my counciling was a response to what unaddressed incompatibilites in sexual frequency lead to, "Not good" and a pregnant pause.

I will always be amazed by testimony to open relationships, such as your experience. In a way, you probably are more prepared than most of us to address the perspective of your own self relative to the outside world. You've already been there. Your visualizing the challenges of student loans and your dependency, now, sound more like obstacles in a decision process that is staring you in the face. You've come far. I'm not sure what to suggest other than a review of your own narrative. Maybe a separation from a guy who is much more apt to flood himself with more gaming than go find another woman, or asking him to be a co-habitant while you make the adjustments in your life to get situated somewhere else. This, while considering the step down in living standard, debt and children

The whole idea being to get him to make his decision and to be prepared for what that may be. Otherwise, sex once or twice a month is what it is and your compensating with whatever sexual activity, just shy of another open relationship, that satisfys you.
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Old 06-12-2010, 05:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I think one of the things that makes me angry the most about this situation is that if I have an affair, all of a sudden I'm the bad guy. Poor hubby, his wife cheats on him and he is such a great guy...UGH. I think it is so very wrong of him to refuse me this way. And he does it so nicely.

We go to therapy and he will admit that lack of sex is painful for me, and that he should try to put more effort into having sex more frequently--but "more frequently" boils down to him not telling me "no" all the time. He still refuses to start any sexual advances. He has this "well I don't want it, you want it, so it should be entirely your responsibility" attitude about sex.

If I get angry and yell or fuss or cry about it, he thinks I'm being irrational. If I try to discuss this calmly I get nothing but logic--that is is wrong to force someone to change, he doesn't want it so he shouldn't have to go after it, most women don't like sex--maybe I should have that looked at..... He argues so well. I hate it.
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Old 06-12-2010, 06:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome to the club. . .men and women alike here.

My wife gave me permission at one time and then denied ever doing it.

When I confronted her on denying it, I told her that her giving permission for me to have sex with other women is not something a guy usually confuses a wife saying, like "I told you to take out the trash on Tues. instead of Monday." You know?

I know I was listening when she said that, LOL. (and it was more than once).

(women are masterful at making men forget what you said or I said but I do definitely recall that one)

Anyway, I am amazed you did it and pulled it off. I just couldn't. I wasn't even sure how that it would work. . ."Honey, I'm going out for some milk and a quickie with OW. Be back in 30 minutes, maybe longer if I am on my game tonight." But kudos to you for making it work for awhile.

I don't know. . .a sexless marriage isn't a marriage to me. . .without it being in a state of consummation, what you have is a tenuous business arrangement. Slowly divest yourself of it.

I know what it's like when all the desire and affection runs one way. It ain't fun.

I am slowly becoming disconnected from my stb-x and you will too. It's either that or have affairs - just be discreet.

I don't know. . .the more I am here, the more I wonder what other partners are thinking when they get married, like the monster.com commercial. . ."Someday, when I get married, I won't ever have sex!!!" And that seems natural to some people is the kicker.
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Old 06-17-2010, 11:57 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I know how you feel, my fiance has little to no sex drive, and when he dose he also has a fetish the prevents sex. I am a lucky girl if it is once a month the we are having sex, rather then his "play". Though even that is few and very far between.

Have pointed out the question about who is changing for whom? I also have tried very hard not to ask for mine to change, though giving up your sex life is a even harder change if you ask me. And Worst of all is the feeling of rejection from the one person that you though would always want you.

So hang in there, I wish you the best. I hope things work out for you both.
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Old 06-17-2010, 01:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: sexless marriage

Sailor Girl..I know that I am your twin...same issues...same feelings..same feeling of desperation. We are human, and it is not much to want to feel that validation. I, too, am at my wits end...even took a trip to the other coast to get away and try to sort out my feelings. I too, have not, been able to have that affair that I need..to feel the passion, the touch..but the other man is attentive but doesn't want to have sex without some sort of feelings...he would not use me or hurt me..(in my mind...I am like WTF...but because he is a dear person..I surrender...lol rejection on both coasts.) I would rather have him there with me than nothing at all. I will take the friendship and confidence that we are building..though the sexual chemistry is there, it is more that I get at home. Well my twin..I hope it makes you feel better that you are not alone...till we chat again !!!!
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Old 06-18-2010, 10:11 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Sailor Girl..I know that I am your twin...same issues...same feelings..same feeling of desperation. We are human, and it is not much to want to feel that validation. I, too, am at my wits end...even took a trip to the other coast to get away and try to sort out my feelings. I too, have not, been able to have that affair that I need..to feel the passion, the touch..but the other man is attentive but doesn't want to have sex without some sort of feelings...he would not use me or hurt me..(in my mind...I am like WTF...but because he is a dear person..I surrender...lol rejection on both coasts.) I would rather have him there with me than nothing at all. I will take the friendship and confidence that we are building..though the sexual chemistry is there, it is more that I get at home. Well my twin..I hope it makes you feel better that you are not alone...till we chat again !!!!
Well the guy I want to have an affair with doesn't really have any feelings towards me that I know of. He is more of an acquaintance than a friend. It is a little embarrassing, but he is our mechanic. Not that I am embarrassed at him being a mechanic--I think mechanics are great, and usually intelligent men. I know there is no way I could ever figure our how to fix a car. I mean embarrassed at having feelings for someone who barely knows I exist. Or knows I exist only when it comes to a business sense, I'm the lady with the old car that needs lots of work--the valued customer, LOL. Not the "Whoa, I want a piece of that" woman. Which right now is what I would rather be. But I have been taking my car and my husband car there for 6 or 7 years now and he has never once made any move to suggest anything sexual. So I really doubt he is into me.
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Old 06-18-2010, 10:48 AM   #15 (permalink)
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So I really doubt he is into me.
It takes a guy about 2.3 seconds to decide if he's into you and part of that is letting him know you are into him.

But I wouldn't fool around with the family mechanic.

If it doesn't work out, and it probably won't, your poor husband would have to find another good mechanic and that would be like losing 2 members of the family.

Now that's a hard one. . .my stb-x. . .a good mechanic. . .my sbt-x. . .a good mechanic

What year is your car?
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