Hello, this is my first post and first time seeking advice for marriage-related topics. Anything would be great - I have google'd a lot lately with some good results and suggestions.
My wife and I just got married 3.5 months ago (I'm turning 30 in a week and she just turned 27) and there are some things she has said that have made me real sad, angry, disappointed and worried for the survival of our marriage.
It is clear that men typically have a higher sex drive than women, and this is the case for us. Prior to getting married our sex life started off slow - she had never had sex before me. I didn't pressure her into anything, I don't have what some might consider weird fetishes - I just want the typical sex with some variety of positions/locations maybe 2-3 times per week for where we are in our relationship right now. At most we were having sex 5-6 times a week probably in years 2-3 of the relationship (just celebrated 5th anniversary together) but now its maybe once a week. When I say sex I mean everything, handjobs, the rare BJ and intercourse.
The quantity is one thing (and honestly, its not that important to me to have sex A LOT, it is more important to have sex feel great) but its the quality and the lack of making me feel sexually desired that has made me concerned.
I think I am a good husband, we share household responsibilities, we go out together frequently, we spend a lot of time together talking or cuddling watching TV, we both have full time jobs and we haven't had any big fights during our relationship. I put a lot of effort into making her needs met and I have listened to her when she has voiced a need for this and that.
While engaged and about a month ago we had some serious talks about sex. The first was about oral sex, my wife doesn't enjoy giving oral sex and she says its only because of the taste and I agree with her, the precum does taste a bit salty sometimes but overall I think it has a neutral taste - it is not repulsive or gross. Semen I agree does not taste good nor do I have any desire to cum in my wife's mouth or on her face like in porn.
The problem is that I have wanted to try things like flavour gels, chewing gum prior and a diet change to improve the taste but she wont even try. And she has said that she doesn't like trying these things because if we do find something that makes it more enjoyable for her that I would request a blowjob all the time. Her opinion is that "blowjobs are special and I should only get them on special occasions like my birthday or valentines day" ... (that quote is verbatim). I would try to give her oral sex all the time and its not because it tastes or smells great (its unpleasant at best), its because I love her and I love seeing her orgasm 2, 3 even 4 times from oral sex and it is important to me that she feels sexually desired.
When I look back on our relationship I now notice that I only got a BJ AFTER I had given her oral sex, and she hardly ever appeared excited about it despite knowing how much I enjoyed it. During this conversation about oral sex she also said "I shouldn't have to do something I don't want to", referring to giving a BJ and she said "I should be happy with what I get". This last comment made me not want to give a rats ass about ANYTHING that was important to her.
I have high standards for myself as a man and as a husband and it actually made me sad to think that I would want to give up those standards because of what she said. She has even used BJs as a way to get me to do things for her, which I would do anyways but trying to use that has made me resent her for it.
About a month ago we had another sex talk and it was more about "who initiates". I asked my wife if she could initiate sex more because it made me feel good about myself and it made me feel desired. I feel like I not only initiate sex most of the time but I am always excited about it (duh!). So I let my wife know that it was important to me for her to initiate sex every so often. Her idea of initiating sex is asking me "Do you want to have sex" in a reluctant tone of voice with an attitude that says "well I guess I'll have sex with you". There is no foreplay from her, and whenever she 'initiates' its like she wants to get through it asap.
The final killer in my hope of a fulfilling sex life in our marriage came when my wife said, and I quote, "Sex is just not that important to me in our marriage, it was important when we were dating but not anymore". This was about 2 months after getting married. I did cry... but later that day.
I completely understand how affection, conversation, spending time together and respect are on the top of the list for needs for women and I try really hard to make sure I am that kind of a man to my wife but I have tried to tell my wife how sex is up there for me and she has responded with some pretty devastating things. Her attitude is that I'm a horn-dog and its just sex, nothing too pivotal in a relationship. She makes it seem like I should make conversation, affection and date nights more important in our marriage than sex - they ARE important to me! That's why I put in an effort to make them happen.
She does not make me feel sexually desired or attractive at all anymore - almost all the sex that happens (handjobs or intercourse; no BJs because its not my birthday yet!) seems like such a burden for her. She is never excited and never cares - she has fallen asleep three times in the last month giving me a handjob. She never touches me much before sex as part of foreplay - but she always expects and wants it from me and has said things like its "my job to seduce her". If I make it clear I'm thinking of sex and she's in the mood she always wants to leave it to right before bed time because she "can just roll over and go to bed". The problem is she doesn't have to do any rolling over at all - the only position she wants is missionary so she can orgasm and it relies on me to control the depth/speed for that and sometimes I just don't have the energy to focus on that.
Sadly, after being married for 3.5 months I have honestly lost 100% (not 95%, not 98% not 99%) of my desire to have sex with my wife. Before, I knew she didn't want sex as often as I did but she was excited to do it (which made me feel good), but now she's never excited and after her comments I am just really sad. I am so worried it is starting to affect my job and my desire to have fun in life with friends etc. Masturbating has become a replacement to wanting to have sex with my wife.
I have not talked with my wife about this yet, it hasn't been that long and with the variety of feelings I have felt in response to her comments and attitude I decided to write down my feelings over the days so that I can give her a clear picture of the situation. I think I have all the feelings I have felt written down but some advice going into this would help. Every conversation we have had has been initiated by me and I do it calmly and try to listen to her thoughts but it always ends with her basically saying "too bad pal, my way or no way"
Divorce is an option and it has crossed my mind but I think it is too early to seriously think about that option. We have no kids, have about equal paying jobs and brought an equal share of things into the relationship. I cannot believe my wife's attitude has taken such a turn and her lack of caring with regards to how sex is important to me is unbelievable. I almost feel like she is using our marriage as an "out" from putting effort into things that are important to me (its not just sex, but this is the sex forum)
Do other women feel like marriage is an out for sex? Have other men had this happen to them so abruptly? Is it a blessing this happened so early in the marriage? Time to move on?
thanks for reading my length post, hope for advice.
My wife and I just got married 3.5 months ago (I'm turning 30 in a week and she just turned 27) and there are some things she has said that have made me real sad, angry, disappointed and worried for the survival of our marriage.
It is clear that men typically have a higher sex drive than women, and this is the case for us. Prior to getting married our sex life started off slow - she had never had sex before me. I didn't pressure her into anything, I don't have what some might consider weird fetishes - I just want the typical sex with some variety of positions/locations maybe 2-3 times per week for where we are in our relationship right now. At most we were having sex 5-6 times a week probably in years 2-3 of the relationship (just celebrated 5th anniversary together) but now its maybe once a week. When I say sex I mean everything, handjobs, the rare BJ and intercourse.
The quantity is one thing (and honestly, its not that important to me to have sex A LOT, it is more important to have sex feel great) but its the quality and the lack of making me feel sexually desired that has made me concerned.
I think I am a good husband, we share household responsibilities, we go out together frequently, we spend a lot of time together talking or cuddling watching TV, we both have full time jobs and we haven't had any big fights during our relationship. I put a lot of effort into making her needs met and I have listened to her when she has voiced a need for this and that.
While engaged and about a month ago we had some serious talks about sex. The first was about oral sex, my wife doesn't enjoy giving oral sex and she says its only because of the taste and I agree with her, the precum does taste a bit salty sometimes but overall I think it has a neutral taste - it is not repulsive or gross. Semen I agree does not taste good nor do I have any desire to cum in my wife's mouth or on her face like in porn.
The problem is that I have wanted to try things like flavour gels, chewing gum prior and a diet change to improve the taste but she wont even try. And she has said that she doesn't like trying these things because if we do find something that makes it more enjoyable for her that I would request a blowjob all the time. Her opinion is that "blowjobs are special and I should only get them on special occasions like my birthday or valentines day" ... (that quote is verbatim). I would try to give her oral sex all the time and its not because it tastes or smells great (its unpleasant at best), its because I love her and I love seeing her orgasm 2, 3 even 4 times from oral sex and it is important to me that she feels sexually desired.
When I look back on our relationship I now notice that I only got a BJ AFTER I had given her oral sex, and she hardly ever appeared excited about it despite knowing how much I enjoyed it. During this conversation about oral sex she also said "I shouldn't have to do something I don't want to", referring to giving a BJ and she said "I should be happy with what I get". This last comment made me not want to give a rats ass about ANYTHING that was important to her.
I have high standards for myself as a man and as a husband and it actually made me sad to think that I would want to give up those standards because of what she said. She has even used BJs as a way to get me to do things for her, which I would do anyways but trying to use that has made me resent her for it.
About a month ago we had another sex talk and it was more about "who initiates". I asked my wife if she could initiate sex more because it made me feel good about myself and it made me feel desired. I feel like I not only initiate sex most of the time but I am always excited about it (duh!). So I let my wife know that it was important to me for her to initiate sex every so often. Her idea of initiating sex is asking me "Do you want to have sex" in a reluctant tone of voice with an attitude that says "well I guess I'll have sex with you". There is no foreplay from her, and whenever she 'initiates' its like she wants to get through it asap.
The final killer in my hope of a fulfilling sex life in our marriage came when my wife said, and I quote, "Sex is just not that important to me in our marriage, it was important when we were dating but not anymore". This was about 2 months after getting married. I did cry... but later that day.
I completely understand how affection, conversation, spending time together and respect are on the top of the list for needs for women and I try really hard to make sure I am that kind of a man to my wife but I have tried to tell my wife how sex is up there for me and she has responded with some pretty devastating things. Her attitude is that I'm a horn-dog and its just sex, nothing too pivotal in a relationship. She makes it seem like I should make conversation, affection and date nights more important in our marriage than sex - they ARE important to me! That's why I put in an effort to make them happen.
She does not make me feel sexually desired or attractive at all anymore - almost all the sex that happens (handjobs or intercourse; no BJs because its not my birthday yet!) seems like such a burden for her. She is never excited and never cares - she has fallen asleep three times in the last month giving me a handjob. She never touches me much before sex as part of foreplay - but she always expects and wants it from me and has said things like its "my job to seduce her". If I make it clear I'm thinking of sex and she's in the mood she always wants to leave it to right before bed time because she "can just roll over and go to bed". The problem is she doesn't have to do any rolling over at all - the only position she wants is missionary so she can orgasm and it relies on me to control the depth/speed for that and sometimes I just don't have the energy to focus on that.
Sadly, after being married for 3.5 months I have honestly lost 100% (not 95%, not 98% not 99%) of my desire to have sex with my wife. Before, I knew she didn't want sex as often as I did but she was excited to do it (which made me feel good), but now she's never excited and after her comments I am just really sad. I am so worried it is starting to affect my job and my desire to have fun in life with friends etc. Masturbating has become a replacement to wanting to have sex with my wife.
I have not talked with my wife about this yet, it hasn't been that long and with the variety of feelings I have felt in response to her comments and attitude I decided to write down my feelings over the days so that I can give her a clear picture of the situation. I think I have all the feelings I have felt written down but some advice going into this would help. Every conversation we have had has been initiated by me and I do it calmly and try to listen to her thoughts but it always ends with her basically saying "too bad pal, my way or no way"
Divorce is an option and it has crossed my mind but I think it is too early to seriously think about that option. We have no kids, have about equal paying jobs and brought an equal share of things into the relationship. I cannot believe my wife's attitude has taken such a turn and her lack of caring with regards to how sex is important to me is unbelievable. I almost feel like she is using our marriage as an "out" from putting effort into things that are important to me (its not just sex, but this is the sex forum)
Do other women feel like marriage is an out for sex? Have other men had this happen to them so abruptly? Is it a blessing this happened so early in the marriage? Time to move on?
thanks for reading my length post, hope for advice.