Sex hurts my wife
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-15-2010, 07:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sex hurts my wife

Iím new to this site and Iím trying to deal with a few problems I havenít talked to anyone about. My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years. Our daughter is 35 (her daughter) and we are empty nesters.

Because of health issues sex hurts my wife during penetration and many times causes bladder infections. This has been getting worse over the years. She has special lubrication prescribed by her doctor and I have to take it real slow. When I penetrate her she winches in pain and instructs me to go slower. I usually ejaculate in seconds and I feel Iím doing a medical procedure rather than having sex. She really enjoys the penetration but is usually in pain the whole time. She also has another prescription to take after sex to prevent the bladder infection. This has greatly reduced our sexual activity to having sex once every few months. She doesnít seem to mind going without but I have these urges. Iíve suggested just doing mutual oral or masturbating each other but she always desires the penetration.

Do you think itís wrong of me to ask her to satisfy me? I feel guilty asking for a bj without giving something in return? But when I do there are consequences and I donít get much joy out of it. When she does give me a hj itís usually with a dutiful look on her face and I end up feeling guilty with the thought that Iíd rather do it myself.
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Old 06-15-2010, 09:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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When I penetrate her she winches in pain and instructs me to go slower. I usually ejaculate in seconds and I feel Iím doing a medical procedure rather than having sex.
Are you saying the slow sex makes you ejaculate faster? Why is that I wonder?

No, I don't think it is wrong of you, and I think she should want to. I do understand if she doesn't like doing BJs but still think she should want to do that for you since she can't do anything else, or since anything else is so seldom. What I really don't get is this medical problem of hers. Has she seen more than one doctor for second and third opinions? Do they all tell her nothing can be done? There's no cure and no treatment either?
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Old 06-15-2010, 10:10 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex hurts my wife

With what Susan2010 says...something like this deserves more than one doctors opinion.

Assuming it cannot be taken care of though... umm, cough, cough... you could try anal penetration? I know there are many with religious etc blocks to this but with care and practice it can be extremely satisfying for both parties and ofcourse involves penetration. A vibrator on the clitoris first couple of times at least is a serious recommendation, and you cannot over-lube ever.
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Old 06-15-2010, 10:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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My wife had a hysterectomy some 20+ years ago and she is very dry. Compound that with long term steroid use for nerve problems caused her skin to thin. So when I enter her it feels like I'm tearing her open. I'm not small. She's been to many doctors but I believe she discusses these problems with her gyn. She also uses a prescribed cream she inserts nightly.

By not having sex for a long period then after much foreplay preparing her. Then having to very slowly enter her I'm way overdue and don't last long.

I've never had anal with my wife. We don't talk much about sex. Is it pleasing for a women to recieve anal sex? Is it messy and I assume I would need a condom?
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Old 06-15-2010, 10:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hey, I'm no "expert" but I believe for some women it is pleasing, yes. The key seems to be lubrication and going softly at first. Vibrator on the clit is also crucial.

It's not messy like you might think, and a condom is probably a good idea, too.

Sorry to hear about the medical problems...but where there is a will, there is a way!
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Old 06-15-2010, 12:07 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Is it pleasing for a women to recieve anal sex?
If she is willing to try it, then do try it. But don't be surprised if she is entirely unwilling to ever do it again. The first time is extremely painful, excruciating pain. I tried this twice, and the second time wasn't quite as painful, but it WAS still painful and there was nothing to like about it. I hear some women do like it and actually have anal orgasms. Most women do not like anal sex because it's so painful. So I know you need an avenue, but don't become resentful if she doesn't let you do this again or even if she doesn't get far in the first attempt.

I suggested you try it if she is willing but honestly, anal sex causes other physical problems, as if she doesn't have enough of those right now.

The only thing I can think to suggest is she try some natural hormone replacements.
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Old 06-15-2010, 12:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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What I really don't get is this medical problem of hers. Has she seen more than one doctor for second and third opinions? Do they all tell her nothing can be done? There's no cure and no treatment either?


For instance, diet can play a huge role in infections of the urethra. Foods that alkalise the body tend to reduce them. Sugar in general is an absolute no-no. In fact, sugar is simply not a good idea for most people. Sugar feeds bacteria. They love it.
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Old 06-15-2010, 12:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks so much, MT, but I wasn't asking about her infections or how she gets them. Believe me, I fought with urinary tract infections for 30 years. I was asking about her medical condition that causes the problem he described.
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Old 06-15-2010, 12:22 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Believe me, I fought with urinary tract infections for 30 years.
OOOuch. Sorry to hear that. Did you hit upon a miracle cure in the end?
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Old 06-15-2010, 12:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Susan2010, Thanks for the honest reply. I assumed most/many women don't like anal sex but I keep reading about women that do. I guess I'll need to talk it over with my wife. Any advice on how to broach that subject.

She has also been on hormone replacement since the hysterectomy. I think after so many years it begins to loose it's effectiveness.
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Old 06-15-2010, 04:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Have the doctors ruled out interstitial cystitis? That's what it sounds like. If that is the case there is a drug which works really well for the condition. Interstitial cystitis can cause a lot of pain/discomfort and mimic bladder infections.
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Old 06-16-2010, 06:19 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Yes, she has interstitial cystitis, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, to list the major one's. I didn't realize IC could mimic a bladder infection. Thanks. I wonder if the bladder infection sensation due to IC is aggravated by sex.
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Old 06-16-2010, 06:33 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Yes, she has interstitial cystitis, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, to list the major one's. I didn't realize IC could mimic a bladder infection. Thanks. I wonder if the bladder infection sensation due to IC is aggravated by sex.
Has she tried doing kegels against resistance?

You can buy a special exerciser for the purpose.
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:28 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I don't see where a kegel would benefit my wife. Kegel's are to exercise the muscle. Her problem is related to dryness and thin skin. She has said if we had sex more it might hurt less by stretching the openning. But then it's a catch 22 because it's so painfull. I don't think I could give her a dildo to work on it herself. We don't do toys. At this time I'm kind of waiting for her to tell me when she wants sex.
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:31 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I don't see where a kegel would benefit my wife. Kegel's are to exercise the muscle. Her problem is related to dryness and thin skin. She has said if we had sex more it might hurt less by stretching the openning. But then it's a catch 22 because it's so painfull. I don't think I could give her a dildo to work on it herself. We don't do toys. At this time I'm kind of waiting for her to tell me when she wants sex.
Believe it or not, it may help IC by improving circulation, and also by releasing muscle knots which can press on nerves. Nobody really knows what IC is. It's just a name given to a bunch of symptoms that are believed to be untreatable.

Getting her to clench on a thin dildo would be ideal. Or she can use... YOU.

Ordinary kegels, while good, are not a match for kegels with an object inserted. It's a whole different ball game.
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