How to get your spouse to kiss you again?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-17-2010, 02:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

OK...so I'm only going to talk about kissing.

My wife and I have been together 9 years. In the beginning we would kiss passionately. In the beginning she said "Kissing is almost more important and intimate than sex." I remember the conversation we had.

Now, she has said that kissing me is not the same. She says it's like I am 'delicate' and that if she kisses me it's like kissing a family member. So I asked "You mean like trying to kiss your brother." And her reply was "No, not like that. I see you as delicate." Now I don't know what she means by that and I'm trying to wrap my head around it. Intimacy in general has been low for a while and due to recent events I'm trying to bring it back. We've had sex but she still refuses to kiss me.

Yesterday I asked for a peck on the lips and she pretty much just leaned in, mouth closed and touched my lips...no real kiss. Today I got the same thing...it's bad. I hate the feeling that my wife doesn't want to kiss me. She's OK with sex (Or putting up with it for now) but kissing seems to be off the table. While having sex the last time I asked her to kiss me and she said "One step at a time." which nearly killed the mood entirely for me.

So how do you get your spouse to kiss you passionately again. Looking back, I saw a birthday video of mine from a year ago where I was asking for a kiss for the video camera and she wouldn't kiss me. It never bothered me then because I didn't realize she had that issue. Now I see we haven't really kissed in ages...and I really want that kiss back.

I've heard some people say "Show me how you were loved as a child and I'll show you how you will love as an adult." As a child she was not show a great deal of intimacy. Not many in this country are show much, it's just not part of the culture. However, others within the culture still have the intimacy. We certainly had it for the first years of our relationship. How do I get it back...or am I lost to ever having it back unless I just leave?
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Old 06-17-2010, 09:40 AM   #2 (permalink)
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OK...so I'm only going to talk about kissing.

My wife and I have been together 9 years. In the beginning we would kiss passionately. In the beginning she said "Kissing is almost more important and intimate than sex." I remember the conversation we had.

Now, she has said that kissing me is not the same. She says it's like I am 'delicate' and that if she kisses me it's like kissing a family member. So I asked "You mean like trying to kiss your brother." And her reply was "No, not like that. I see you as delicate." Now I don't know what she means by that and I'm trying to wrap my head around it. Intimacy in general has been low for a while and due to recent events I'm trying to bring it back. We've had sex but she still refuses to kiss me.

Yesterday I asked for a peck on the lips and she pretty much just leaned in, mouth closed and touched my lips...no real kiss. Today I got the same thing...it's bad. I hate the feeling that my wife doesn't want to kiss me. She's OK with sex (Or putting up with it for now) but kissing seems to be off the table. While having sex the last time I asked her to kiss me and she said "One step at a time." which nearly killed the mood entirely for me.

So how do you get your spouse to kiss you passionately again. Looking back, I saw a birthday video of mine from a year ago where I was asking for a kiss for the video camera and she wouldn't kiss me. It never bothered me then because I didn't realize she had that issue. Now I see we haven't really kissed in ages...and I really want that kiss back.

I've heard some people say "Show me how you were loved as a child and I'll show you how you will love as an adult." As a child she was not show a great deal of intimacy. Not many in this country are show much, it's just not part of the culture. However, others within the culture still have the intimacy. We certainly had it for the first years of our relationship. How do I get it back...or am I lost to ever having it back unless I just leave?
Her use of the term delicate would make me start looking at the things I do that could be perceived as delicate. Starting with "asking" for a kiss. Try to figure out areas that you can be more decisive. Be less moody. Take up the hobby that you gave up to spend more time around the family.
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Old 06-17-2010, 11:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

It's time you stop acting like a hurt little puppy dog. Get angry with that woman for doing what she did. You need to leave but since you refuse, then at least get angry. That anger will give you back your manly edge. The last thing she needs is a man who is afraid of her. She is having a very hard time respecting you. You want a passionate kiss, but there is no passion in you. You're just so sickeningly grateful that she's still around. She needs to be able to depend on your confidence, but you don't have any. You allowed her to rob you of it and in the time since catching her, you have offered up your confidence on a silver platter. She needs you confident. She needs to know she cannot walk all over you. She needs you to man-handle her and not treat her like a delicate little flower.

Instead of being so hurt, start thinking differently. Instead of being so grateful, start thinking differently. Instead of thinking how much you love her and can't live without her, start thinking differently. GET MAD! Be angry that she did this to you! Be angry that she did this to you and you didn't deserve it! Be angry that it's been 3 weeks and she is making so little effort! Be angry that she is not nearly remorseful like she should be! Be angry that she doesn't care that you deserve her apologies and remorse hotdammit!

Then she will want to kiss you again. You will have mustered enough passion and self respect to be angry. She needs you to have some gusto.

But don't even think about trying to fake it. She will detect that and lose even more respect for you.
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Old 06-17-2010, 09:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

Last week I decided early on in the day that I wanted to go home, get all cleaned up and when my wife came home I would take her by the hand to bed and just start going at it...be spontaneous and a little aggressive. That...didn't work.

Her reaction was: 'Where are we going?' and when I got her to the room to start things off with a kiss, she pulled back and said 'Can I just have a glass of wine first, I just got home.' so I asked her to bring the wine to bed with us but she insisted on the kitchen and her voice was 'moody' as in she wasn't play game.

We sat there for an hour and when it came time for some fun, she was giving all the signs of 'I'm not in the mood' and that killed it for me so I just pulled up the blankets. She then started to spiral into feelings of guilt because she saw that I tried to be spontaneous and that she ruined the moment. I didn't react to her taking the blame for ruining the moment because, well...she did. We haven't been spontaneous in years so I figured this would add a little something to the fizzled flame. We ended up having sex a day later in a more 'scheduled' way. But still no kissing...even while she was feeling all good, I would try to go in for a kiss and her mouth would be still...not receptive at all.
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Old 06-18-2010, 01:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

It may be nothing personal, although I don't blame you for feeling that way.

Think about your first "make-out" you had with the opposite sex, your first real kissing experience. Remember tasting their saliva and feeling teeth and all that and thinking. . ."Okay, this is supposed to be good?"

Like beer, it took me a little while to acquire the taste and perhaps your wife never aquired a taste (or skill?) for kissing.

Of course, it could be a deeper issue but it may not.

I would definitely miss kissing. It's very part and parcel of the sexual experience for myself so I feel for you.
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Old 06-18-2010, 02:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

Kissing is hugely important for my wife. Like the OP, she regards it almost as important as anything else.

Try starting with kissing her on the shoulders and the back and side of her neck and move on from there. It works very well for me.
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Old 06-18-2010, 08:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

Time for therapy or something on the side
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Old 06-18-2010, 10:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

alot of good pts here, mainly BE A MAN for.......crying out loud.

she needs to explain that effeminate tag she put on u. is it true? only u two know. the way u write, it may well be.

get mad, and if she cares about that much, then tell her to
fess up/come clean on this kissing draught of yours.

i wont ponder what shes thinking/doing, as could be anything
right now, and u havent shown us anything pert to her.
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Old 06-19-2010, 06:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

We used to kiss like mad (Before we ever had sex we kissed for about 3 weeks with nothing else happening). She would literally take me some place after work, dark and out of the way and we would just kiss. We eventually started kissing in more public places not caring about what others thought.

Now, 9 years later she's not into kissing. It used to be the most important thing (Almost more than sex) but now it seems I'm delicate. I've asked for an explanation about it and she always finishes with "You don't understand me. You can't understand me." She goes on to say that she thinks she needs to see a psychiatrist. She feels her libido and kissing issues are something in her head. I wish she would make that appointment soon. I've actually gone out and found a specialist for her to see, phone number and everything but she hasn't done anything about it.

The one time I tried to 'be a man' when she came home from work one day (Last week) I took her by the hand and tried to be spontaneous. She stopped me and said "First, I need a glass of wine." That one glass turned out to take an hour and by the end of the hour she felt like she 'had to have sex now'...which took all the passion out of it.

I don't want to push her further away...but I don't know that she's really doing all she can to fix things. She says she is and if I point out the parts where I know she could improve with a little effort (As I've certainly made extra efforts) she sees it as complaining.

I wanted to stay on the subject of kissing here, but sex is another issue. When we have sex she likes it when she O (Who doesn't) but there is no foreplay. She used to dress up in something sexy and we used to laugh and have a good time with it to build up to the actual sex and then to the O for her and the O for me. She is someone who can have more than 1 O per round (2 or 3...and if she's feeling up to it and I can manage she can get to 4). Then when it would be my turn she would do a whole lot (And it really didn't take much) for me to reach my 1 0. And it would feel so good. NOW, it's get naked, use my fingers (On the outside, she can't O during penetration) and once she's had her turn it's then my turn and with the attitude of "Don't take your time, if you can do it fast do it fast." Sometimes she says those words exactly and it just completely kills the mood...which makes things take longer.

I hate that my wife has no passion for me like she used to. One thing she has said is "We've grown as a family and so I see you as family. Maybe that's why." I don't want it to be a job for her, I want her to want sex and want to kiss me. I wish there were something I could do that would work for sure...a viagra for women....that would work for her on ME.

Since I'm writing I should mention that she was caught in the middle of cheating by me (Caught her naked on top of another man) She says it wouldn't have gone any further, part of me wants to believe her and part of me wants to slap her for thinking I'm that stupid. She doesn't remember kissing but when I asked the OM about the entire situation (In detail) he said only some kissing happened. So the passion she must have had there...where is it for us. Am I just a used toy now that has run out of juice for her? Am I just a convenient person to be in a relationship with? I'm 32 and she's 40. I could move on to someone younger and more 'willing'...but I'm so attracted to my wife emotionally and sexually that I can't find it within myself to be apart from her.
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Old 06-19-2010, 11:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

oh Anon, the things/facts u leave out................

best tell us more 'bout her(and yer) history?
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Old 06-20-2010, 12:58 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

History:
She grew up in a tough home. At a time when only women in their early to mid twenties had babies, her mother had her at 37. She didn't like her mother as a child because whenever there was something going on at school her mother, being older, always took charge. Her mother asked her teachers in elementary school to leave her alone when she cried because she thought 'she has to learn she can only rely on herself since she has no sisters or brothers'. At 18 her father suffered a stroke that left him in a vegitative state for 18 years, he died 4 years ago. Her mother suffers from Parkinsons Sydrome and has no insurance to help with bills. My wife has taken care of them since. During her twenties she had relationships with people of her own nationality and when she spent sometime abroad, she had relationships there as well. Most of her relationships ended due to domestic violence. She married a man here in order for her to secure financial stability for her mother and father and her then husband needed to be married due to pressure from his father. He came from a rich family and he was the only one not married. The idea was he would work in another city and that while on paper they were married they would actually lead separate lives. However, after getting married he decided not to do that and tried to make a life with her. He was also a violent person and she suffered from that as well as the culture here that men are above women, something her then mother-in-law tried to teach her. She had told her own mother about the domestic violence and her mother's response was 'What are you doing to make him upset. Whatever it is you have to learn to stop.' Her ex didn't want her doing anything outside the home. Going back before her marriage, she had 2 relationships in which she accidentally got pregnant. She had an abortion on both occasions. These are things that still haunt her. While she is pro choice she still feels like she did something evil for selfish reasons. When I met her I was in a destructive relationship and looking for a way out. I lived with my girlfriend but had no means of quick escape. I had to plan things. At the time I was in a 'dark' place, something nobody seemed to notice except my wife. 1 night we had a drink...I honestly didn't think anything would happen. She had told me about her issues and unhappiness and I did the same. She is the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on and she could have picked someone more handsome with more money and less baggage than me, but that night she kissed me. No high has ever topped that kiss. Within 3 months I had a new apartment and she had divorced her husband. Her mother was not happy about the divorce and her aunt sent a letter telling her that 'I hope you rot in hell for what you are putting your mother through. Still she moved in with me.

The passion was amazing. For a year it was sex almost everyday...only when it hurt would we not do it. We did everything together. 3 months after that I told her how much I loved her and that I wanted to marry her. She was happy and said yes. When I asked about letting people know about our engagment she said "Not yet. People are probably going to think we are going too fast and I don't think your mother will be happy." So we waited. It wasn't until 4 years later at city hall did we tell people. No big event (My mistake) but I was happy. About 1 year before getting married I had suggester that her mother move in with us. At the time her mother was able to do most everything for herself. However she soon fell into a cultural thing where "I'm old now so you take care of me." And she got more and more lazy about stuff. In the beginning I tried to referee things between my wife and her mother trying to make her mother understand why she is wrong. I would do this so that my wife wouldn't blow up...although I was late on many occasions and my wife would sometimes already be in tears. My MIL knows how to push my wifes buttons. Eventually I took a harder approach but that made my MIL angry which then had my wife angrier at my MIL for not appreciating things. A friend suggested I just be neutral and calm both parties down...this wouldn't work either because my wife would often say "No, I have to tell her." And if I stood in the way I'd get it too. Every day was like Russian Roulette...will I come home to an angry family or will I come home to peace and quiet? This stress put a ding in our sex life. If my wife had to deal with her mother's dirty diapers and sheets (something which was only meant to be used if she couldn't get to the toilet in time but has since become her toilet simply because it's easier) then any romance was out. I knew this and didn't put forth any expectations. There were nights we'd go out with friends and come home to a sleeping MIL and close all the doors and have sex. 1 area of issue with my wife, something I've accepted responsibility for, is my lack of help with house cleaning. I thought I was pulling my own weight by always doing the shopping. Because of my powerlifting and diet there, I don't ask my wife to cook dinner for me. Only on a few occasions has she cooked for me...but that was my choice. I knew she was just as busy so I had no expectations there. Also, when it came to other house chores I would always say "If you need me to do it just ask and I will." My reason (_or excuse depending...) Was that my wife had her way of getting things done. If an iron for shirts was broken I would go buy one...but my wife would say "I don't think this is a good one. Return this one and I will find a new one for you to pick up" Or if I cleaned the trash bins I'd be using the wrong soap, cleaning in the wrong place and just not doing it right. If I tried to move furniture around to make things seem more spacious she would come home and ask that it all be put back and that she will think about a better way to arrange things. So I decided to wait to be told what to do. Another possible turn off is my fashion. I've never been a brand name person and like clothes that are casual and don't need to worry about damaging. She can make the cheapest clothes look sexy. Since I thought she liked me for who I am (and fashionable was never one of them) I never paid much attention. She has since said "I would like to buy you nice clothes but you probably won't wear them. My 2 jobs are such that 1 job must be in casual dress (teaching kids and trying to keep up with them) my other job is working in weddings where I have a dress code, which has to be formal but only black and white...no variations allowed. This has been a big reason FOR ME in not spending insane money on clothes. Another possible turn off is the body type I have due to powerlifting. I'm bulky and thick, I do have fat on my body but that's part of the game. Perhaps over the years I've gotten bigger, to the point my wife doesn't like...although she has never said it direclt. For the last month and a bit I've had zero appetite and have quit the gym due to lack of motivation (I want to fix my marriage) I've lost about 30lbs+...and it's not all fat BUT my wife seems keen on that right now. As far as things around the house, I do them without asking and if it is done 'wrong' I ask her how she would do it. Since the weightloss I've seen her checking men's clothes for perhaps the winter. But it still feels uncomfortable doing this...I thought my wife liked my body and didn't care about my fashion...I don't know when this changed for her. An example of something I could pick on as far as being 'pretty' with her is that she had laser hair removal on her legs. Unfortunately she didn't complete it. If I asked her in the past to shave, she said she couldn't because if she wanted to do laser removal again she shouldn't shave. Its not visible but when I touch her on her legs I do feel it. I have however never held onto that as something that makes her unattractive. So how is it that my passion for her has stayed intact but hers has not? I've always been a romantic surprising her with gifts and parties on special occasions and sometimes for no reason at all. She has surprised me once, our last anniversary and it was nice. During busy weeks we barely had time to talk (I should say we didn't make the effort) and that is something we are working on now. I snore which makes it hard for her to sleep so we've slept in separate beds...but for the last month I will spend the first few hours in bed with her and when I get noisy I move, the the last hour or 2 I go back and we end up cuddling. I'm working on my snoring as she says this is the only reason she can't sleep next to me. I don't know what else to say that might be relevent to this topic...any more advice
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Old 06-20-2010, 11:52 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

now thats what i call a "history!" a history almost too much to believe?!

maybe my more learned friends can offer up some detailed,
complex advice but i instead will opt for ........

K.I.S.S. = keep it simple stupid (in case u r foreign)

u 2 have so much baggage i dont think repacking, finding a new
country, or anything else will do. even gutting yer "house of
cards" wont change things. in short u'd need a miracle to get
things back the way they were. unrealistic....4 everyone ok?

options are simple:
1. u leave her. not going to happen as u r addicted-in love w/
her & her kiss.

2. she leaves u. strong possiblility & u better prepare 4 this, or u're gonna be institutionalized(u digg?) afterwards methinks.

3. enjoy the "ride"(whatever that entails) while it lasts, and
find yer missing kiss feeling elsewhere in whatever she does to turn u on/off simulataneously. enjoy the moment(s).

4. and most of all, stop using yer head, trying to understand or
analyze everything w/ her. its no use. its all an enigma.
instead pray, pray, pray for answers, strength, wisdom, patience
etc. only God is the keeper of miracles, not u or i.

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Old 06-20-2010, 10:54 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

Anyone else want to chime in?
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Old 06-21-2010, 12:08 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

If you figure this out I would be interested to know. Kissing is now horrible in my marriage and just forget about the sex. Unfortunately I am tired of putting in all the effort for nothing in return.

Sorry I know this is not about me, but I feel your pain.
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Old 06-21-2010, 01:01 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?

I've tried searching online and as far as I know it's a 'mental' thing with many women. My wife has admitted she needs to see a doctor to get by this, but she hasn't put in the effort to go. I want our sex life, intimacy to get better
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