Re: How to get your spouse to kiss you again?
She grew up in a tough home. At a time when only women in their early to mid twenties had babies, her mother had her at 37. She didn't like her mother as a child because whenever there was something going on at school her mother, being older, always took charge. Her mother asked her teachers in elementary school to leave her alone when she cried because she thought 'she has to learn she can only rely on herself since she has no sisters or brothers'. At 18 her father suffered a stroke that left him in a vegitative state for 18 years, he died 4 years ago. Her mother suffers from Parkinsons Sydrome and has no insurance to help with bills. My wife has taken care of them since. During her twenties she had relationships with people of her own nationality and when she spent sometime abroad, she had relationships there as well. Most of her relationships ended due to domestic violence. She married a man here in order for her to secure financial stability for her mother and father and her then husband needed to be married due to pressure from his father. He came from a rich family and he was the only one not married. The idea was he would work in another city and that while on paper they were married they would actually lead separate lives. However, after getting married he decided not to do that and tried to make a life with her. He was also a violent person and she suffered from that as well as the culture here that men are above women, something her then mother-in-law tried to teach her. She had told her own mother about the domestic violence and her mother's response was 'What are you doing to make him upset. Whatever it is you have to learn to stop.' Her ex didn't want her doing anything outside the home. Going back before her marriage, she had 2 relationships in which she accidentally got pregnant. She had an abortion on both occasions. These are things that still haunt her. While she is pro choice she still feels like she did something evil for selfish reasons. When I met her I was in a destructive relationship and looking for a way out. I lived with my girlfriend but had no means of quick escape. I had to plan things. At the time I was in a 'dark' place, something nobody seemed to notice except my wife. 1 night we had a drink...I honestly didn't think anything would happen. She had told me about her issues and unhappiness and I did the same. She is the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on and she could have picked someone more handsome with more money and less baggage than me, but that night she kissed me. No high has ever topped that kiss. Within 3 months I had a new apartment and she had divorced her husband. Her mother was not happy about the divorce and her aunt sent a letter telling her that 'I hope you rot in hell for what you are putting your mother through. Still she moved in with me.
The passion was amazing. For a year it was sex almost everyday...only when it hurt would we not do it. We did everything together. 3 months after that I told her how much I loved her and that I wanted to marry her. She was happy and said yes. When I asked about letting people know about our engagment she said "Not yet. People are probably going to think we are going too fast and I don't think your mother will be happy." So we waited. It wasn't until 4 years later at city hall did we tell people. No big event (My mistake) but I was happy. About 1 year before getting married I had suggester that her mother move in with us. At the time her mother was able to do most everything for herself. However she soon fell into a cultural thing where "I'm old now so you take care of me." And she got more and more lazy about stuff. In the beginning I tried to referee things between my wife and her mother trying to make her mother understand why she is wrong. I would do this so that my wife wouldn't blow up...although I was late on many occasions and my wife would sometimes already be in tears. My MIL knows how to push my wifes buttons. Eventually I took a harder approach but that made my MIL angry which then had my wife angrier at my MIL for not appreciating things. A friend suggested I just be neutral and calm both parties down...this wouldn't work either because my wife would often say "No, I have to tell her." And if I stood in the way I'd get it too. Every day was like Russian Roulette...will I come home to an angry family or will I come home to peace and quiet? This stress put a ding in our sex life. If my wife had to deal with her mother's dirty diapers and sheets (something which was only meant to be used if she couldn't get to the toilet in time but has since become her toilet simply because it's easier) then any romance was out. I knew this and didn't put forth any expectations. There were nights we'd go out with friends and come home to a sleeping MIL and close all the doors and have sex. 1 area of issue with my wife, something I've accepted responsibility for, is my lack of help with house cleaning. I thought I was pulling my own weight by always doing the shopping. Because of my powerlifting and diet there, I don't ask my wife to cook dinner for me. Only on a few occasions has she cooked for me...but that was my choice. I knew she was just as busy so I had no expectations there. Also, when it came to other house chores I would always say "If you need me to do it just ask and I will." My reason (_or excuse depending...) Was that my wife had her way of getting things done. If an iron for shirts was broken I would go buy one...but my wife would say "I don't think this is a good one. Return this one and I will find a new one for you to pick up" Or if I cleaned the trash bins I'd be using the wrong soap, cleaning in the wrong place and just not doing it right. If I tried to move furniture around to make things seem more spacious she would come home and ask that it all be put back and that she will think about a better way to arrange things. So I decided to wait to be told what to do. Another possible turn off is my fashion. I've never been a brand name person and like clothes that are casual and don't need to worry about damaging. She can make the cheapest clothes look sexy. Since I thought she liked me for who I am (and fashionable was never one of them) I never paid much attention. She has since said "I would like to buy you nice clothes but you probably won't wear them. My 2 jobs are such that 1 job must be in casual dress (teaching kids and trying to keep up with them) my other job is working in weddings where I have a dress code, which has to be formal but only black and white...no variations allowed. This has been a big reason FOR ME in not spending insane money on clothes. Another possible turn off is the body type I have due to powerlifting. I'm bulky and thick, I do have fat on my body but that's part of the game. Perhaps over the years I've gotten bigger, to the point my wife doesn't like...although she has never said it direclt. For the last month and a bit I've had zero appetite and have quit the gym due to lack of motivation (I want to fix my marriage) I've lost about 30lbs+...and it's not all fat BUT my wife seems keen on that right now. As far as things around the house, I do them without asking and if it is done 'wrong' I ask her how she would do it. Since the weightloss I've seen her checking men's clothes for perhaps the winter. But it still feels uncomfortable doing this...I thought my wife liked my body and didn't care about my fashion...I don't know when this changed for her. An example of something I could pick on as far as being 'pretty' with her is that she had laser hair removal on her legs. Unfortunately she didn't complete it. If I asked her in the past to shave, she said she couldn't because if she wanted to do laser removal again she shouldn't shave. Its not visible but when I touch her on her legs I do feel it. I have however never held onto that as something that makes her unattractive. So how is it that my passion for her has stayed intact but hers has not? I've always been a romantic surprising her with gifts and parties on special occasions and sometimes for no reason at all. She has surprised me once, our last anniversary and it was nice. During busy weeks we barely had time to talk (I should say we didn't make the effort) and that is something we are working on now. I snore which makes it hard for her to sleep so we've slept in separate beds...but for the last month I will spend the first few hours in bed with her and when I get noisy I move, the the last hour or 2 I go back and we end up cuddling. I'm working on my snoring as she says this is the only reason she can't sleep next to me. I don't know what else to say that might be relevent to this topic...any more advice
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