Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Beard,
Let me be blunt here with you. According to your and your W's other posts, your W has been considering divorcing you for the past 6 months, and there have been constant fighting with verbal and physical violence in front of your DD.
This is a red herring subject. You need to work on improving your relationship, period. How do you expect her to have sex with you when all she's been considering is leaving you due to constant fighting and violence between you two?
I guarantee you that your current strategy would not restore your relationship or her desire to have sex with you. Unless you realize how serious your current state of relationship is, there is no hope of restoring your marriage, not to mention having sex with her.
not regarding the other threads, because this is a different thread for a different intent. me and the wife are going to be ok i think.
in my opinion and theory, primal man is designed to impregnate multiple women. primal woman on the other hand is designed to find a single mate and procreate. the reasons for this is obvious, i hope.
however, we are not primates anymore, we are a social civilized creature, but we still have these primal brain urges. it seems to me that pornography is an outlet for the modern man to quell these urges that are no longer necessary in our current society. the biological urges of a man are also at odds with a man's own heart, the heart being allegory for the more frontal lobe activity, i.e. the thinking centers.
i think a man that is denied and unnaturally forced into what i would generally think of as the female sexual role will begin to be unsatisfied in the marriage and begin looking at other women for real instead of virtually, so to speak.
not to invalidate the female urge to jealousy toward 'other women' which i'm sure the pornography appears to them on some level. i am merely stating that the male urge is just as strong as the female, and i make no apology for it.
Bearded, You are right about biological urges, but you're missing something. While women are biologically programmed to find an alpha male to procreate with, we are also programmed to find a beta male to care for us and our young. I wonder how this has manifested with your wife, how you fit into that picture and what your feelings on it would be.
fascinating. that would almost entirely explain why a woman would choose the most stubborn strong willed male she can find, and then do everything she can to subordinate and change him.
I'm going to talk to you not like a psychobabblist but rather a guy down at the pub who's quaffing a beer with you.
I hear ya. . .really I do. You are just being "a guy" and you think your wife should cut you some slack.
But dude, for some reason, even though they shouldn't (and again, I hear ya), women take it really, REALLY personally when you look at porn. I know I did it my ending marriage and I am sure it didn't help. The funny thing is when the marriage ended, the porn viewing stopped so I am sure there is a control thing at work here with men and women so I am not even sure it's a whole biological thing or else it would have continued (and my sexual outlet is slightly increased post-separation but not by much).
I totally get it - it's the "You're not my mother!" sentiment.
But dude, you just gotta stop it even for your own selfish reasons. All the fantasizing and wacking off can desensitize the big guy down there and then your wife does have a legimate gripe when you can't get it up when she wants to ride you.
Just knock it off.
Some things are best not to challenge the wife on - the toilet seat being up and porn.
I don't want to hear alpha male, beta male, biological imperative and all that justification who-ha.
Actually bearded, u and surprisingly several other males here are being just what
u say u r not, an apologist to many things/issues including the symptom(porn)
of a greater problem, marital relations/fidelity.
as a Christian, obviously u know what my stance is in agreement w/ biblical stds., regardless of how I feel as a marr’d male who’s felt some of the same hurts, desires
and frustrations as u(and others)have.
I have viewed porn b4. I may view it again, (who knows?) but either way, its still wrong. Wrong in the sense of it is not the ideal situation for me as an individual nor for my rel’shp w/ my W to concentrate on in the tasks daily living requires us to truly focus on.
fwiw I enjoy many TV movies today that are lesser forms of porn, w/ their nudity, and/or
sexploitation of women, and I need to overcome this w/ Gods help, so don’t think I am
hypocritically judging u here, on this issue.
I understand what u have written, I believe. u r not alone in this. I don’t know what posts u n yer W have written here, that the last few respondents have referred to but,
tell me now if: your W became the nymph some have posted/implied that they(or W)
say they are, what diff would that make in yer porn addiction? would u be tapped out?
would call 4 a wk long truce so u could pop in “Debbie does dallas” or some such?
What would u do?
Yes I think your W bears some responsibility, based on what u have written here.
But the final act is yours and yours alone to make, as frustrating as it is to admit that sometimes thanks to their contributions and lack thereof.
Dude,
...
Some things are best not to challenge the wife on - the toilet seat being up and porn.
I don't want to hear alpha male, beta male, biological imperative and all that justification who-ha.
why? why is it best not to challenge the wife on those 2 things? why is the toilet seat being up a gender bias issue? why don't i yell at her if she leaves it down? i might accidently flood the bathroom if she leaves it down. that is a perfect example of the issue. is it best not to challenge the wife due to fear of her hysteria?
c'mon. dude in the pub. admit there are things you will say to your buds that you would never say to your mate. the women can't seem to handle it, it's easier to just comply, right? i disagree. i think wives that aren't challenged grow to feel like they are always right, and become indignant when someone dares to challenge them on anything. it's a monster that feeds on itself. you're afraid to tell your wife to keep the seat up for your convenience and cow down to her being inconvenienced by you leaving it up. we need to stop being afraid of women's delicate feelings and give them the equality they seem to be asking for.
women have sexual fantasy also, and if they were as visual as men, i think the issue would be reversed. i'm saying, clearly, if women liked to look at porn, men would not challenge them.
otherwise, why is there no outrage at vibrators? should i feel threatened? no, i don't think so.
...
I have viewed porn b4. I may view it again, (who knows?) but either way, its still wrong. Wrong in the sense of it is not the ideal situation for me as an individual nor for my rel’shp w/ my W to concentrate on in the tasks daily living requires us to truly focus on.
... your W became the nymph some have posted/implied that they(or W)
say they are, what diff would that make in yer porn addiction? would u be tapped out?
would call 4 a wk long truce so u could pop in “Debbie does dallas” or some such?
What would u do?
...
i don't understand what you mean by the term nymph. or tapped out. week long truce?
if i understood you correctly, well, first of all i would not call my interest a 'porn addiction'. that's a negative bias already.
have you ever seen the 'venus figurines'? Venus figurines - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
they are generally discussed as religious symbols for prehistoric man. i personally don't think so. i think they are the worlds first sex dolls. that's how prevelant an issue it is. 11 thousand years ago.
what would i do if the wife gained an interest in visual sexual iconography? i would accept her interest, the same as i would for any interest she might have. if i caught her masterbating i would at worst give her privacy or at best help her as i could.
how do i think she would react to catching me? no evidence, but i'm guessing the knee jerk response that we saw in the movie "American Beauty". the wife looks at the man with disgust and says, "What are you doing?"
c'mon. dude in the pub. admit there are things you will say to your buds that you would never say to your mate. the women can't seem to handle it, it's easier to just comply, right?
i do have the idea. and i say it is wrong. holding back from women what you really feel and constantly only telling them what you think they want to hear is, straight up, lying.
we are afraid to confront women with the truth.
i want to ask these women that cry out against porn, do you own any sex toys? of any sort? do you feel guilty for using sex toys? do you feel the need to hide your sex toys from your partner?
even if you don't own any, or use any substitutes (you know what i mean,) do you feel it is your right, or should you tolerate the judgement of your husband or partner?
Of course there are things too that guys will say to each other that they won't say to their wives. I am sure women talk about size, hairyness, etc. amongst themselves too. Sex and The City illustrated that - that show was basically 4 sl*tsin NYC and their sexuality, right?
I am not sure of your point.
You have to start thinking of sex with your wife like a date with a hot woman.
We all know the male ritual before you go out and you think you may get laid - condoms in the wallet and no wanking off 3 days prior (at least). I also don't drink a drop of wine or alcohol anymore because of a bad experience with that one time. I'll just pretend to drink it with her (it's fine for the female - lowers inhibitions)
Trust me on this.
Honestly, I think women would rather you abstain and finish early than have a healthy masturbation life and have some staying power. Whatever happens with regards to that, yes, you can bet they'll complain (he came too fast or he watches too much porn/masturbates). But c'mon dude. . .you know that's part and parcel of that X chromosome (complaining about men - it's called the Oprah Gene) so I would just default to giving up the porn.
No one is questioning your right to watch porn as long as it's legal. I just don't see it being healthy for your relationship so I am telling you to choose to not exercise that right. Maybe it's symptomatic, maybe it's the cause of your marital dysfunction but you just have to trust us on this one.
Just give it up. Honestly, you won't miss it as much as you think. Besides the divorce kinda putting the damper on it for me. . .I just kinda got bored of it.
I disagree with both of you guys. I share all of my thoughts with my wife. From making a comment about my zumba instructor to that girl in the dress, etc. Just as my wife has told me about her conversations with her friends about their husbands junk, etc. Today my wife had one of her g/f over and I asked her what she was doing and she said "my gf". I told her as long as she took pictures, that was fine by me!
When I talk to others who don't know my wife and I about this openness, I am usually met with disbelief or envy that we can talk to each other this way. I really don't understand WHY someone can't share their innermost thoughts with your own spouse?
i imagine the cavewoman saying to her mate, "you prefer that little venus statue to me."
this is nothing new.
personally i have given up the porn a good while ago. cause it's not a big deal. and that is really my point.
i don't think there is a man who would choose to leave his wife if porn was the only obstacle. it's not that big of a deal. but there are women who will leave their husbands over porn.
in my own personal experience, when i started getting intimate with my wife, years ago, she used to have a stash of pictures of naked women she found attractive.
why did she get rid of them? i assure you it wasn't at my demand.
i posted this one cause people (including wife) seem to be getting confused about my personal life and decisions as compared to the intellectual dabate regarding gender judgement i'm trying to talk about here.
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Re: the porn question 
