beardedinlair

I'm not going to be an apologist for men and porn. It is what it is, and it's prevelance alone speaks for itself.
My wife of ten years has asked me to stop the porn, and turn my sexual attentions solely to her. I tried explaining to her that there is a physiological imperative in the male. I mean I can camel it, but there is a primal drive that helps maintain the body and mind. I can turn my sexual attentions to her every day, or at the very least, once a week. I don't know about the "average woman" but I don't think, at best, her desires match that.
I don't know how long it has been now, perhaps 2 weeks, maybe 3. Her rejection is not harsh, just a slight pushing away or turning aside. I'm not upset with her, or holding it against her. There are circumstances, not much time together and she admitted a couple of days ago that she is depressed. I am becoming increasingly frustrated and stressed.
I suppose I could solo it, but I will say I don't think that's...well, it's not much fun. And I do look for something to facilitate that.
Am I being unreasonable? Is she? What do you guys think of this?

lbell629

Maybe your wife's desires don't match your own because of the porn. If she feels threatened or less to you because of it, she may not desire to have sex with you that often. You should work on loving her - not just having sex with her. Yes, solo it in the meantime if you have to, but let her know that you value her and her opinion in this matter and maybe she'll come around. And if she is depressed that could also play a role in her not wanting sex, but you need to be there for her.

synonimous_anonymous

Are you saying that you use porn to supplement sex with your wife, when she's not in the mood but you are? I don't think that's unreasonable...from a man's POV. If my wife were masturbating on one of my off days, I would be very turned on very quickly (A man's mind I suppose) and try my best to fulfill her needs. I don't think I would have much of a problem having sex regularly with my wife so long as, in time, we kept it exciting. Unfortunately, my wife has to opposite problem of not wanting it as much as I do...so I'm wishing I was in your shoes.

Crypsys

Do you want brutal honesty? Yes, you are being unreasonable. There is a primal drive for a healthy man to want a woman. But you don't go out and try to pick up women in real life to go to bed with you, do you? There are a lot of things everyone stops because they shouldn't do it. Your wife finds porn offensive, so you should cut it out.

Your wife has told you she doesn't like porn and wants you to put your energy towards her. What does that mean? She wants you to woo her, court her, show her the same kind of attention you did when you were dating. Many times we guys take our wives for granted and stop doing those little extra things for our wives. The kisses before bed, holding hands when your out, putting her head in your lap while you watch tv. For many women, it's those little things that can rekindle their sex drive.

For a while it's going to suck because you won't get the release from porn and your wife will still be a bit unreachable. But, work for enough time and things will turn around. You and your wife should go to this site 5 Love Languages and take the test. It will help you find the areas you wife is looking for you to speak to her love language.

LaCuriosa

Lots of questions coming your way...

How often do you watch porn and for how long? And do you go to it AFTER she has rejected you or before she's had the chance? Does she truly find porn offensive or does she think that it's gotten to the point prefer it to her?

And if I understand correctly, she asked you to cut the porn two or three weeks ago to concentrate on her, and you've still not had sex with her? Did she give you more specifics about what she'd like to see change? And what changes have you made?

Did she say what she feels she's depressed about? And has she consulted a doctor about it?

I may be the exception to the rule, but I have no problem with my husband viewing porn, so long as it's not any super crazy "out there" porn and so long as it's not interfering with OUR physical relationship. And since he's a bit more reserved, knowing what he views gives me a better idea as to what he's fantasizing about, and I usually don't have any problem turning that into a reality.

But I can also see Crypsys' point, and it may apply to your situation. The Five Love Languages is mentioned on multiple forums that I've seen and has helped many out.

LC

BigBadWolf

The porn is not the issue, it is the symptom of a larger problem.

Your woman is not feeling desired, and that is your responsibility and you are not meeting it.

These things to act like you were dating, that is truth to a point, you do indeed need to make sure you are confident, dominant, and in control of yourself and your environment as you probably were in the beginning that attracted your woman to you in the first place. Be that again.

Do NOT spend any time with things like flowers or mushy stuff, that will only work if you are trying to end your marraige.

We're talking instead sexual attraction and the business of sexual attraction is when the good man is acting in the strengths of a man, that is the dominant man, who is in control of himself and his environment.

So to you what does this look like? It means you are stepping up yourself in your appearance, your hygiene, your behavior and attitude that you are in control of yourself and that you treat your woman like you could have any woman in the world and that woman is her, and you are making her feel this way.

Know the attraction to porn is not a mystery, it is in man's desire to seek out the approval of an attractive woman, be dominant and successful, and in his mind he can easily be all these things without so much the effort towards doing the same in the real world.

In balance this is perfectly healthy, yes porn can be very healthy especially in the healthy marriage relationship, for in the imagination of a man is also his motivation and creativity to build his reality according to his vision, and that vision must start in his mind as we all know.

But out of balance, as in anything, if porn is hindering progress in the "real world" for the good man to achieve what he is desiring, then such a man needs to show the mettle to be in control of himself, and not let anything control him, not letting his fantasies keep him from achieving his success in the reality.

So to your woman, instead of imagining some porn woman dressing a certain way, or performing a certain act, make your reality that it is YOUR WOMAN you are in the relationship with to dress this way, and show her your desire for her to do a certain act.

You think she will be offended?

Think again, that is once you have put in place for yourself what needs to be done.

If your woman once seeing the mettle you are made of, the good man in control of himself and knowing what he wants and is the man to pursue it, in her eyes the dominant man, and seeing your desire for her, do not be surprised for her to be unleashed as the woman inside her to make you forget all these porn women.

To live the reality is better than the fantasy everytime. Take that to the bank.

Make the fantasy into the reality. Then porn is nothing in comparison then.


In the healthy relationship, where the woman is feeling desired and not insecure because her man is taking care of what he needs to take care of, in this relationship porn is not a problem.

Crypsys

The wife can still not want her husband to view porn and be in a healthy relationship. Just like the wife can not have a problem with the husband viewing porn and be in a healthy relationship.

There are many reasons why a man/woman may object to porn. Just because someone does reject it does not make them a prude, insecure, etc.

Or am I misunderstanding what you are saying?

beardedinlair

she is super jealous. i find that is the cause.

iamnottheonlyone

Your wife's needs are not being met. You need to meet her sexual need. You are getting way too distracted. In along term the sex is infrequent at best. But spending your time with porn is like cheating on your wife. She may find someone else to meet her sexual needs. How is the rest of your relationship? Do you give her long non-sexual hugs a couple times a day.? How much time do you spend talking with her? Can you spend as much time each day with her as you do on the computer?
If you keep this up you may be looking for a new partner, and not of your own choosing.

beardedinlair

the crux of what i've said has been missed. i gave it up. totally. and she shut down the sexual activity, 3 weeks now.
is it a test?

tjohnson

For now, I will not address the global dispute over porn. To be sure it one of the top ten issues that couples dissagree on. I feel however, from what i am hearing there are other things possibly that may be going on here.

As the other astute posts point out, there are other likely needs that you are not meeting for your wife. We guys are thick and clueless and your wife may be tired of the same suggestions, requests for things that she would like for you to do or ways you can behave better. My wife could practically tape record her issues and play them for me when I slip back into old habits.

Google "how to be a good husband" you will be alarmed at:

1) How simple the things are
2) How many you have heard from her
3) How many you are neglecting.
4) How relatively effortless implementing these things would be

As a thick headed man i have actually cut and pasted these ideas into a doctument that i keep on my computer and update. I find when my wife is grouchy/uncooperative....it is usually because i am not putting to practice the simple ideas in my saved documents.

I find if I am doing the "good husband" stuff. My wife gladly gives back on alot of levels. I don't do it for "tit for tat" reasons. I simply recognize that how can I be critical of my wife if am not doing my best either. It is so easy to neglect what should be your top prioritly. Your first course of action is to make sure if you are giving your wife what she needs before she can expect to get the same. Have you been sympathetic to her having her "lady parts" removed or are you just *****ing cause you can't "get any" and J/O to porn. I know how birth controll can mess with a woman's body. i can only imagine what the operation has done to your wife. Again not judging but....if so....you reap what you sow.

tjohnson

Please ignore my reference to surgery. I think i confused you with another poster. Regardless it does not change my reaction to what you may want to do.

Shoto1984

I'm always amused at how many instant experts come out of the woodwork giving detailed advice from a few lines of a post.

There seems to be a "blame the male" reaction when discussions turn to sex. There could be many different things going on here and there is far too little information to know. Generally speaking I believe romance and sex are both partners responsibility. The idea that men have to be constantly reading the tea leafs of women so as to create some mystical karma that will then return to them is not my idea of a good marriage. Another view expressed in another thread is that you should "man up". That you stop being so nice and let her feel some distance from you. If there is no challenge in the relationship people get lazy and stop trying. I'm not advocating this view but it is an interesting contrast to much of what's been said here. The bottom line is you signed up for monogamy not celibacy. She gets the first shot at you. If she's not interested then she shouldn' care that you take care of business with or without the porn. As your wife, you have a vested interest in her happiness but you can not make her happy. She has to choose to be happy. This seems to be something many people cant or wont do.

beardedinlair

thank you shoto.
i am tired of being blamed. and the derision directed at men for simple basic biological functions.

tjohnson

To be clear-we men have needs that some women don't understand, respect or don't want to want to understand. Interestly though we have been conditioned over the last 25 years to be sensitive, caring.....go shopping...all that stuff (thank all the "sensitive" people in the media for telling us we should understand our wives their hormones etc. yet our hormones are some kind of sick joke. Agreed we signed up for monogamy not celabacy...well put.

My point would be to make sure that she can't reasonably counter with the "well you don't....in response to your continued diologue regarding YOUR needs. If you are putting all into a relationship and meeting their needs (or giving it a good solid try) then you have reason to expect your needs to be met (by them or at the very least not to be chastised for meeting your own needs if that happens to involve some porn so be it).