She wants sex "all the time"
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-25-2010, 03:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default She wants sex "all the time"

Hi, quick bio: married 11 yrs, together 15, two young children.

I love my wife with everything I have. We already have sex 6-9 times a week sometimes more and it gets to be a bit much at times. Don't get me wrong, I love everything about it but sometimes I just need a break. When I tell her this she gets angry and she will either sleep on the couch or make me do so. Sometimes I give in and do what I can to make it happen, other times I can not and succumb to the couch or sleeping alone in our bed.

We both work day jobs, same hours, same days off and usually turn in about 10 or 11pm. Last night as always, she wanted sex but I was just too tired as we had already had sex that morning and I asked as nicely as possible if it could at least wait until the next morning. She said nothing and got out of bed a few minutes later and began getting dressed. Not casually, but nicely dressed. I asked her where she was going and her reply: "If you're not going to do me I'm going to find someone who will". She walked out the door... WTF?!?

I 'was' tired and ready to crash, but now its 4:10am and I'm wide awake, totally freaking out and she is not home yet. Mind you she left at about 11:30PM last night. She is supposed to be at work soon now its after 4.. Is it possible that she is doing just as she said???? This has never happened before. Usually when we don't have sex and it turns into an alone sleeping night everything is fine the next day as if nothing has happened. We've talked about this in the past and she has always apologized and said its something she has to work on and we get on with our day. She has admitted the possibility of having a sex addiction but has never seeked any help as I've always tried to fulfill these needs and until now I thought i was doing pretty good. I guess not.

As said, this has never happened before nor has she ever said she would seek sex elsewhere. I have never had any reason for distrust as said we work same hours, days off and are always together 24/7 outside of work.

Maybe shes angry and went to a friends house? maybe she got a motel room alone? Could she really be seeking it elsewhere? This is not her. I just don't understand. Someone save me from the negative thoughts racing through my head or smack me with the possibility of reality.
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Old 06-25-2010, 04:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

5:15 AM shes home. I ask her if she really did what she said she was going to do, she said "No." I asked who she was with, she said "Friends." I asked her where she went. She said "Out." I asked her what she did. She said "Danced." I attempted initiating sex, she said "No." She has never told me no. All single word answers and she looks a mess. I smell alcohol on her. I think shes asleep now. Its dark in our room across the hall. What did she do? Where did she go? Who was she with? Did she cheat??? I don't know what else to say or ask. Thanks for reading.
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Old 06-25-2010, 06:48 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

Your wife is emotionally abusive and expecting you to have sex that much isn't in the best interest of your physical health. Three to four times a week is ideal for a man your age, by the way.

It's time to set some boundaries with your wife of what you are willing or not willing to do. If she threatens to sleep with someone else, tell her to pack her bags and go live with them instead of continuing to bully you with threats and emotional abuse.
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Old 06-25-2010, 07:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

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...tell her to pack her bags and go live with them instead of continuing to bully you with threats and emotional abuse.
Thank you. You are absolutely right. She actually got up after about an hour or so of sleep and went to work and didn't say a single word to me. I took today off myself. Don't feel like dealing with it.

We are going to have a long heart-to-heart once she gets home. Things need to change and don't get me wrong, I love her with all my heart but if she in fact cheated, we're done. I'll never be able to trust her again and I won't be able to live my life with someone like that.

I just don't understand. She has never, ever been like this about anything else. Shes always been so affectionate, caring, loving and understanding on everything, EVERYTHING... except sex. Outside of that we get along so great in every way. This just... just doesn't make any sense to me. Still running on 0 sleep. Taking the kids to the babysitter and crashing. Good night.
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Old 06-25-2010, 07:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

It could be that she's very insecure and thinks if she keeps you sexed up then you won't go looking for it somewhere else, then, if you reject her, it triggers those insecurities. That's just one idea though, it could really be a million different things.

As far as threatening to cheat, I doubt that she just went out and got laid, but she's acting very hurtful towards you.

Start your conversation out with "I just don't understand. She has never, ever been like this about anything else. Shes always been so affectionate, caring, loving and understanding on everything, EVERYTHING... except sex. Outside of that we get along so great in every way. This just... just doesn't make any sense to me." and ask her to help you understand and also let her know how hurtful it is for you to hear her say she is going to cheat on you and destroy the marriage just because you so no to sex. You are still doing it a lot more than most couples, so taking a time out every so often to recharge shouldn't be an issue to the point that it's being taken.
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Old 06-25-2010, 11:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

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It could be that she's very insecure and thinks if she keeps you sexed up then you won't go looking for it somewhere else, then, if you reject her, it triggers those insecurities. That's just one idea though, it could really be a million different things.

As far as threatening to cheat, I doubt that she just went out and got laid, but she's acting very hurtful towards you.

Start your conversation out with "I just don't understand. She has never, ever been like this about anything else. Shes always been so affectionate, caring, loving and understanding on everything, EVERYTHING... except sex. Outside of that we get along so great in every way. This just... just doesn't make any sense to me." and ask her to help you understand and also let her know how hurtful it is for you to hear her say she is going to cheat on you and destroy the marriage just because you so no to sex. You are still doing it a lot more than most couples, so taking a time out every so often to recharge shouldn't be an issue to the point that it's being taken.
Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't physically have the strength to go looking elsewhere, not at the rate we are intimate. Maybe you're right and she don't understand that. Thank you for your advice. I will use it to the best of my ability.

She texted me earlier. She said "I love you, I'm sorry.". I haven't answered her yet, not sure how to or even to begin what to say in a txt. I think I might forget the talk to night, tell her to pick up the kids at the babysitters that its my turn to go "out". She would flip out. No... I would not be doing it for revenge. I honestly do not feel like seeing her right now and I don't believe I will be ready to see her by the time she gets off work. I'm still tired, maybe I will rent a room somewhere and try to sleep off this stress for 10-12 hrs in a nice quiet place.

She just realised I was not at work and called home. I asked her first and foremost sternly but not hostile, I need to know the absolute truth and know it now... Did she cheat... She started balling and said no, she never has and never will no matter what. Her tone of voice was believable, but I don't know if I believe her. I need to see the look on her face when she tells me that. I should've waited until our talk. I told her we need to have a serious sit-down and she agreed. We'll see what happens this evening. Our phone conversation went well it seems. I am more at ease in seeing her this evening but now I'm going to try for more sleep. I'll update later. TYVM for your advice.
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Old 06-25-2010, 11:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

A woman who says something so incredibly over the top, announcing that if you won't do her she'll find someone who will and then leaves to go get laid? And returns many hours later smelling of booze and acting strange?

Of course she went and got laid.

Your wife is acting out something awful.

If you two are having a lot of sex and she throws this sexual deprivation crap at you something is not right.

I would believe the situation is far worse than you know.

Last edited by michzz; 06-25-2010 at 02:35 PM.
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Old 06-25-2010, 01:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

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She has admitted the possibility of having a sex addiction but has never seeked any help as I've always tried to fulfill these needs and until now I thought i was doing pretty good. I guess not.
"Sex addict" is exactly what I thought. She's getting it about once a day or more after a decade of marrige? She had it about twelve hours before, but storms off after telling you, her husband and father of her children, that she's going out to get laid by a stranger? And then comes home drunk and acting odd?

I would hazard that most men/women in her situation might masterbate and/or turn to porn, and MAYBE would look outside the marriage after months of refusals. But to blatantly say that when you've had sex less than 24 hours ago? Not in my realm of "normal."

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Old 06-25-2010, 02:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

I will try an offer somethinge here - I would also agree that it falls ino the "Sex Addict" or the "Something bigger is wrong" buckets. And I wonder since you have discussed this "too much sex" issue before I wonder if she was just pushing you "out on the limb until it broke" - so she could storm out.
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Old 06-25-2010, 02:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I will try an offer somethinge here - I would also agree that it falls ino the "Sex Addict" or the "Something bigger is wrong" buckets. And I wonder since you have discussed this "too much sex" issue before I wonder if she was just pushing you "out on the limb until it broke" - so she could storm out.
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Old 06-25-2010, 02:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

so what happened next?
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Old 06-25-2010, 04:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Yes we have always had sex very frequently. Seems like the frequency increased dramatically as we approached middle-age. I have pretty much stayed the same, not needing more and could do with a little less, but she has gone past my abilities.

Well to those of you who thought the worst, you were right. she was so upset she ended up coming home early to talk. Turns out she did do what she sought to begin with. I couldn't believe my ears but I kept my cool and somehow was able to make it seem to her as if I brushed it off and am able to forgive her. She is sadly mistaken.

She said she was so furious at my rejection she went to a local 'meat market' as these places are called, got almost completely sloshed and 'hooked up' with the first random joe she tripped over, took him to 'our' car and commensed fogging up the windows. The worst part, she denied him when he was so considerate and even offered to use protection so I am happy she rejected me this morning. She tried to assure me they never exchanged contacts that it was a one night stand, and she doesn't even remember his name.

I'm completely numb at this point that I don't even care. I'm filing for divorce first thing Monday morning (she has no idea to this). I told her she is a sex addict and I hope she seeks help and soon, she says she will as she continues to be remorseful and saying that she both loves me and is in love with me and hopes we can work through this. Sorry but this is not OK to me, and I don't think this is something that will eventually make us a better and stronger couple. I'm through and come Monday morning she will see this too.

Thank you all for your kind and some harsh words of wisdom. This was not something I wished to discuss with any of my close personal friends just yet and it was extremely helpful to get it out. I only fear for the kids now. She is a good mother/provider as am I as their father but I know how this will make them feel and what they are about to experience. I love them dearly but I can't stay with her even just for them. I guess it will soon be up to the judge.
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Old 06-25-2010, 06:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

Get yourself tested btw. This is unlikely the first time she has cheated. My hunch is that this has been building for a while.

Sad story
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Old 06-25-2010, 06:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

I have to agree with Atholk, to get yourself tested because it's unlikely this was the first time.

I, in general, do want sex more than my boyfriend. And I won't deny that it does hurt my feelings and trigger my insecurities if he rejects me or doesn't come to me. But I would never, and I do mean NEVER, threaten to find someone else to do it if he won't. Our relationship is about much more than sex, and I love him enough and get enough other things from him and our relationship, that I am willing to give up having sex as often as I might like to. I think, even if she hadn't cheated before that, her threat to do so and the fact that she followed through, indicates one of two things: (1) she is a sex addict, or (2) there are/were other problems at work that either you were oblivious to somehow or that she just never bothered to tell you (or worked up in her own mind and didn't exist anywhere but in her own mind).

I'm really sorry this happened to you, but just remember this is not your fault. This is all her doing. Whether you gave her sex as often as she wanted or not, cheating is never an acceptable solution.
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Old 06-25-2010, 08:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants sex "all the time"

Hold on a minute. I said hold on a minute. No really, HOLD ON A MINUTE!

You're hurt. You're angry. And you have every reason to be. You cannot believe what she did. You cannot believe she did this to you. Honestly, I would feel the exact same way you feel. Actually, you haven't run the gamut of emotions. There are a bunch you have yet to experience. Let us know when the crying starts....and then the cursing....and then the crying again....

But this is not happening to me, so I have a better head than you do right now. Therefore, I need you to listen for just a minute. If you're not able to process it at the moment, then come back in a week to read it again.

You know your wife has a problem. There are millions of people with some kind of mental/emotional/behavioral issue. Many of them are on psychotropics, and many simply try to manage daily. There is zero likelihood your wife is the only person you know. You may not be aware of all of the people in your life taking medication, but I bet there are one or two members of your own family. So think about that. And think about how many of them you love as much as you love your wife. Think about how many of them you have turned your back on. She did something that is unforgivable, but try to set yourself aside and look at it from another perspective.

You would not want her to leave you if you came down with an illness. No matter how much work and sacrifice is involved, you wouldn't want her to leave. And it would be wrong as hell if she did. I'm not saying you are wrong. You and I both know you're right. I'm simply saying I believe your marriage and your children are worth saving since you already accept that your wife has a problem. You can stay by her side and make sure she gets help, rather than blow it off as a passing thought. You can work on rebuilding your marriage and your trust, and please believe that many marriages become better and stronger after infidelity. You can get past this and keep your family intact. You can learn to trust and love your wife again.

I'm asking you to please bring yourself to consider this. You have known for a long, long time that her sexual needs were not normal. You have lived with the consequences of not being able to keep up with her....and you knew that wasn't normal either. You dealt with all of that, so deal with this now. This is just a culmination, an inevitable behavior of her illness. I'm not blaming you in any way, but you had no idea the extent of her problem. You had no idea the problem was soooo real and soooo much bigger than the two of you and bigger than you ever imagined. If you cannot handle what she has done, how can you expect her to handle the need to do it? She cannot. I have a sister who is bi-polar and diagnosed paranoid/schizophrenic. Nothing we can do or say will convince her that her imagination is just her imagination. We cannot control her behaviors, and we can't predict them either. We didn't know anything about all of this until we experienced it over the years. You didn't know to ever expect anything like this, but you have to attribute her behavior to the undiagnosed issue. Help her get diagnosed. Take control and insist that she get help. Stick by her at least for now, and then follow your heart after that. In the meanwhile, MarriageBuilders.com offers lots of resources for recovering from infidelity. There are also many books to read to help you get through this. Get control of your emotions right now. Get centered. Get your wife some help. Get yourself some help. And see happens from there. I really wish you well.
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