Do men with no sex drive masturbate??
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-26-2010, 05:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Do men with no sex drive masturbate??

My husband of 11 years (who just turned 40 this year) tells me that his sex drive has diminshed significantly and that is why he is no longer interested in sex with me. We used to have a very active sex life until the birth of our now 6 year old daughter. Then she kind of took over our life and we became parents and not so much lovers anymore. However, in the last few years I've made an effort to get that part of our relationship back and my husband doesn't seem up to it. We will go 6-8 months without any sex and it doesn't seem to bother him at all. I know he is using porn magazines and internet porn and he admits to masterbating. He admitted to being "lazy" and not wanting to comit to the act of sex and just wanting to get off with his magazines to make it quick and easy for himself. He has tried to have sex with me and when he does he is into it. But then months will go by again with nothing. Is it really possible to "lose your sex drive" but still find it pleasurable to masturbate to porn OR has he just lost interest with me??? My thoughts are if you're not getting it from your wife, you're getting it somewhere else and I can't imagine masturbation would cut it for 8 months at a time.
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Old 06-26-2010, 05:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do men with no sex drive masturbate??

Yes..that and internet porn are real sex killers in marriage if not used with the spouse.
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Old 06-26-2010, 06:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do men with no sex drive masturbate??

Well, being that 2Daughters is a man, I hesitate to disagree with him. But, it does seem as though he confused loss of sex drive with diminished sex life. So I'll take that as green light to proceed. LOL

Sunshinegirl, you distinguish between loss of sex drive and loss of interest fairly well but then you seem to treat them the same. Keep them separate. It'll be less confusing. Being that your husband masturbates, it doesn't sound like he has lost sex drive at all. Being that he doesn't want sex sounds like he has lost interest. But that doesn't mean he has lost interest in you for you to take so personally. Nor does it mean he is getting it elsewhere. Maybe, but you can't know, so work within what you do know for now. I think you only need to believe what he said, which is that he is lazy. He doesn't want to do the work. He doesn't want to have to consider your needs or work to satisfy you. He doesn't want to go through the motions. The reason you are not to take that personally is that it doesn't have anything to do with you, and he probably is not getting it elsewhere because that would mean he has to work on someone, but he doesn't want to work. Still, it's awfully inconsiderate and very selfish. See how he feels about you being with someone else to have your needs met. Anyway, have you tried marriage counseling? Have you tried any way to get through to him?
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Old 06-26-2010, 10:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do men with no sex drive masturbate??

Hi Sunshine Girl, I'm having a similar issue with my husband that I just posted about. I don't have any answers for you but thought a little commiserating would make you feel less alone in this issue. I hope we get some clarity and resolution soon! : )
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Old 06-27-2010, 12:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Susan..studies have shown that internet porn leads to a loss of sex drive with their partner.no matter how you say it, it has been proven.
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Old 06-27-2010, 01:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do men with no sex drive masturbate??

are there any other signs that make you think he's having an affair? Of course its possible.

but the underlying problem is the lack of trust. that'll kill a relationship as fast as any affair.
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Old 06-27-2010, 01:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
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porn and bad breath are real limp starters
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Old 06-27-2010, 01:31 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi 2 Daughters, Do you have a reference for these studies? I would love to see them and show them to DH! lol
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Old 06-27-2010, 01:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
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the porn or bad breath?
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Old 06-27-2010, 09:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do men with no sex drive masturbate??

2Daughters, I was just trying to make a distinction between sex drive and sex life. If a guy masturbates, then he obviously has no loss of sex drive. If he turns to pornography instead of his wife, then they experience loss of sex life. To say "loss of sex drive with their partner" doesn't really make sense. Sex drive only means able and wanting to be sexual. He masturbates, so he wants to be sexual and is not impotent.
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Old 06-27-2010, 10:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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2 Daughters, It's hard to intuit your tone here. Are you being goofy and funny or snarky and trollish? It's hard to tell. I hope it's not the latter since most people are here for support and understanding, not ribbing and teasing. Anyway, I don't recall you mentioning studies about bad breath. I would like to see the studies you've read that prove that there's a link between porn use and loss of sex drive between partners.
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Old 06-28-2010, 09:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do men with no sex drive masturbate??

to analyze these types of situations (the OP) the whole story would be good. a few questions i have:

1. would you consider yourself conservative with regards to sex?
2. have there been any significant changes in appearance in either of you?
3. did you ever go off of sex for an extended period of time prior to this happening? (i know you said the child issue contributed to this but did he want to be intimate with you and did you decline?)

not trying to start a storm, just curious.
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Old 06-28-2010, 02:38 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do men with no sex drive masturbate??

no specifics but to answer your question as best i can, i will share a bit of my own mental state.
masterbating is not the same as making love.
masterbating is sometimes nothing more than relieving stress or reducing pressure. sometimes masterbating is not even what you could call satisfying. i would almost say it is something a guy has to do, especially in the younger years to the point of night emissions.
making love is sharing your body and mind and heart with your partner to mutual satisfaction.
i think sex drive needs to be defined better for the context of your question.
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Old 06-28-2010, 03:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do men with no sex drive masturbate??

Susan's description is dead on. If a guy watches porn to get off, there is nothing wrong with his sex drive. If he does it for a long enough period of time, it will definitely kill his desire to be with his partner, especially one that doesn't measure up to the fantasy depicted in porn (and no woman can, at least not in the long term).

Christie, just ask any marriage counselor about what porn use can do to marital relations.
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Old 06-30-2010, 03:58 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do men with no sex drive masturbate??

Him masturbating, and him not having sex with you are two separate issues. Masturbation is about a physical need, a quick emotional stress relief, a moment of simple pleasure, and quiet time for oneself. He's probably using porn for the assist during as it simply makes it easier for him to get aroused. If he was aroused all of the time, and his sex drive was active like it used to be, he wouldn't need the porn to masturbate.

The lack of sex issue is likely due to:

1) Some unresolved conflict in the relationship. e.g. You may not be speaking his love language. He may feel 2nd, 3rd, 19th to everything else, and he may have a reason to.

2) (and this is tied with 3). A lack of affection (on either part). It takes that to stir interest. You ever walk by him when he is doing something, grab hold of him, and love on him? Not in a long time? No? Why not?

3) Lack of romance/emotional connection. The kids came first, and you focused your energies there. You let the fire die down to a spark, and then never did anything to fan the spark to keep even that going. What are you two doing for fun? Are you having a regular date night? Making time every day for face-time to talk about more than your schedules without interruption? When was the last time you two took a walk together, just to take a walk together? Went out with another couple just to meet someone new? Worked on something that he is interested in, just because he is interested in it? (That can even be watching the hockey game on TV together ...)

4) There is also the possibility that he simply isn't enjoying sex with you as much as you think. A lot of things become routines with years, and that may have too. It may not have been the things he really was interested in, and he may not get the same reward out of it that you do. Easier to solve, but harder to get him to talk about.

5) He may simply be too tired from all of the other things he is dealing with, and it hasn't been made a priority by both of you - to make that time when both of you are not dead tired. Its pretty easy to get into the routine of the only time you get for yourself is once you get the kids to bed, and you both want that time to de-stress and vegetate with some passive entertainment (e.g. TV, internet video), and it feels like you are robbing yourself of that to head off to the bedroom for sex. I know that sounds kind of sad, but I bet its familiar to a lot of people reading this with kids. Some of us have had to make rules like "the kids are in their rooms at 8pm for bed whether they go to sleep then or not" just to increase that alone time before dead tired sets in, or else we don't get quality time with the spouse. Maybe you need to setup a "Sex Sundays" where the kids go off to play at someone the home of someone else for a few hours so you can reconnect.

I wouldn't expect any of these things to be an instant fix, and stay fixed. Asking someone to go from 0 to 60 in a few seconds when their motor isn't running is a challenge, but if you can narrow down, and figure out the underlying issue(s), you could be back to having at least semi-regular sex in a few weeks, or a month.
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