No Sex drive, Husband always wants it
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-01-2010, 01:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default No Sex drive, Husband always wants it

I am 40 and my husband is 44, we have 3 children, the youngest being 6. For the past few years we started our own business which I do 80% of the work and he works part time outside of the home. The busier we get the more tired I get, on top of that I do have some blood pressure issues. I have no sex drive but I try to give him something at least 2 times a month, (which is more than what I care for) He is constantly touching and telling me how much he loves me, he calls all of the time (which does not help me) he says he adores me and he is always putting out that (I want sex tonight) vibe that keeps me out of the bedroom. He has to sleep right next to me which I can't stand even when the kids come to bed. I have a hard time sleeping anyway without him in bed. I don't mind being touched, but not ALLLL of the time!

I used to say it was my fault, but the more I think about it, the more I know it's not all of my fault. He is not a go getter at all and I have to constantly ask him to do things or sometimes I don't even ask at all because he will make me wait for a long time just to do a simple task like taking the trast outside which is 5 feet away from him. He doesn't help with the kids until after I am sooooo frustrated even when I do ask for his help. I am so frustrated with him that showing him affection is very hard for me to do. On a daily basis I pray for strength and make it a point to get over it, but then as soon as he gets home it starts all over again. I've tried talking to him about it, but he says it is all my fault and that I am not normal that I need to fix this problem or he will be forced to find someone else. He says that he is living up to his part of his vows in this marriage so I need to live up to mine.

I do love him but sometimes I wonder if I am just here because of the kids, the business or really even care. I am just tired of being smoothered and I'm the type of person who needs my space. He said that he is given me enough time. I've given him over a decade to change some of his ways, and I still wait for him to live up to his promises of changing bad habits. I told him he needed to give me the time just like I have given him.
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Old 07-02-2010, 06:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: No Sex drive, Husband always wants it

Your sex drive is low because of the anger and resentment you have. You want a life partner that will pull their share of the weight, and instead you have a fourth child to always ask "Can you please do this...." while you do the bulk of the work.

That is actually about the most common reason why many women lose that spark for their husbands. You are completely normal and I have a feeling if he were to chip in more - without having to be asked, that you would start to feel better and more "in the mood".

Let him know in no uncertain terms what you need, how you need it, what it looks like. Your feelings and what you feel you need are not negotiable, how your needs are met of course is negotiable. At this point it doesn't sound like he's attempting to take a true look at it.

Can you talk to him in a way that isn't blaming or accusing? For example, "I feel I've lost my sex drive because I feel that I am being expected to carry all the weight outside the bedroom." Then offer ways that you think would help you.
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Old 07-03-2010, 12:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: No Sex drive, Husband always wants it

I’ve been reading this forum for a while now, but this is the first time I’ve been inspired to post. It’s kind of long but I hope it helps =)

I agree that you have built up resentment after feeling like you have to do everything, and it can be very hard to feel affectionate towards someone who isn’t holding up their end of the bargain with the business AND with kids. It can be very frustrating to have to help a man through problems as if he is a child, when he is (culturally at least) supposed to be the source of strength and support for the family. That said, however, constantly refusing sex is making your husband feel unloved and unappreciated for anything that he does do (even if it is only 20%). He probably feels like anything he contributes goes unnoticed, and that your attitude towards him won’t change even if he does help out more. I am not saying that this is your fault at all, but you need to be aware of how your actions are affecting him--and you need to make him aware of how his actions are affecting you.

I would suggest sitting down with him and talking openly about what is causing all of the resentment on your end and the laziness on his end. Making these changes will probably be a little difficult for both of you, so maybe when you talk to him, you can work out some concrete goals and some compromises. HappyHer has a great point that he NEEDS to be helping more with everything and taking more initiative. Maybe you can ask him to start incorporating some daily chores into his routine--like doing the dishes, putting the kids to bed, etc. every night (not “twice a week” because he will keep putting it off until it’s next week!) so you have some time to relax and unwind. Make sure that you emphasize that he should do those things on his own, without you having to ask him or nag--and even if he forgets, stop asking and don’t do the job for him, and let him see the consequences of neglecting his duties. If you start treating him like more of a man and encouraging him to take control and take initiative more frequently, then he will start acting like a man. Consequently you will hopefully start feeling more attracted to him!

About the lack of sex… Getting physically rejected can destroy a man’s confidence, and honestly this is probably one thing that’s causing him to neglect his duties--he probably feels resentment towards you for withholding sex, just like you feel resentment towards him for not helping out. It’s kind of a catch 22, and getting out of the rut will probably be tough. But once you do start having sex more frequently, your husband will probably desire it less frequently (the only reason he wants it all the time now is because he is always being turned down)--in turn, you will feel wayyy less pressured/smothered and more receptive to him.
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Old 07-03-2010, 08:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: No Sex drive, Husband always wants it

Excellent 1st post Lime, keep posting! Couldn't of said it better myself.
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:03 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: No Sex drive, Husband always wants it

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Originally Posted by lime View Post
About the lack of sexÖ Getting physically rejected can destroy a manís confidence, and honestly this is probably one thing thatís causing him to neglect his duties--he probably feels resentment towards you for withholding sex, just like you feel resentment towards him for not helping out. Itís kind of a catch 22, and getting out of the rut will probably be tough. But once you do start having sex more frequently, your husband will probably desire it less frequently (the only reason he wants it all the time now is because he is always being turned down)--in turn, you will feel wayyy less pressured/smothered and more receptive to him.
Possible but more likely he is the typical male who DOESN'T feel like he has to participate in raising kids and housework. She said she does 80% of the business, and he only holds a part-time job, right? Sounds more to me like he's still emotionally a 17 year old and wants a mother to do everything but he still gets the benefit of free easy sex.

OP, go to www.bettermen.org and get him the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. It will show him that he can have what he wants - IF he also mans up and becomes a full partner in the house, kids, and business. It's a cheap book and an easy read. If he won't read it, read it TO him; first say: "You want more sex? Then listen to this book."
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: No Sex drive, Husband always wants it

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Originally Posted by HappyHer View Post
, and instead you have a fourth child to always ask "Can you please do this...." while you do the bulk of the work.

That is actually about the most common reason why many women lose that spark for their husbands. You are completely normal and I have a feeling if he were to chip in more - without having to be asked, that you would start to feel better and more "in the mood".
while the reason for her resentment is justified, and i dont blame her for not wanting to be intimate in this specific case, i think you over-generalized the cause of this problem as the mans alone. it certainly isnt the case in my marriage as i actually see my wife as the 4th child. when a man posts something similar (and there are many), he is usually advised that he is enabling the wife's behavior by letting it continue. couldnt that logic be applied here?

i will also say that while the OP claims to be smothered, if he stopped all attention towards her she would likely wonder what was wrong, or if not would likely discover that the marriage is over.

my wife seems to think thet everything is her responsibility, and she takes on everything despite not having the ability to complete tasks. she then makes herself feel completely overwhelmed because she has 50 projects going at once, most of which are easy to complete if she would just do them. my point is that she might write the above post because of this.
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Old 07-03-2010, 10:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: No Sex drive, Husband always wants it

I think the smothering she means is that he constantly touches her in a way that means 'have sex with me.' Women want to be touched when he DOESN'T just want sex, too. If all he does is touch her to get sex, she will be repelled. She is not a vessel for him.
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Old 07-03-2010, 12:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: No Sex drive, Husband always wants it

she said:

"He is constantly touching and telling me how much he loves me, he calls all of the time (which does not help me) he says he adores me and he is always putting out that (I want sex tonight) vibe that keeps me out of the bedroom."

i didnt read it as all sexual groping, maybe you did. she is reading all of that as a sex "vibe." I only mentioned it because of similar experience, i used to do some of that with my wife (not sexual groping mind you) trying to figure out what she wanted. it never had a positive effect, no matter what i did, so i stopped. she later brought up to me that i didnt touch her, hug her, tell her i loved her, blah blah. i was left feeling like i couldnt win.
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Old 07-03-2010, 05:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: No Sex drive, Husband always wants it

It sounds like your making excuses when you talk about "him not holding his end of the bargain with the business etc.". It has nothing to do with your sex life you need to seperate it.

A healthy man needs sex. Your lucky you want one that "calls you all the time" and gives you affection.

Release him to find a woman that will satisfy him.
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Old 07-03-2010, 05:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: No Sex drive, Husband always wants it

Been there. Any gesture, whether touch, spoken or written word was perceived as a desire for sex. And it isn't true. It is simply 'fuel' to keep up the rejection wall. You get caught in a chicken and egg scenario. He wants to connect with you, so he calls you, tells you he loves you, touches you, and at some level does SOME things in an effort to please you. But it just doesn't matter any more.

You are beyond the point of rejecting sex. I'm guessing you now have a full blown aversion to sex - with him.

The dynamic you currently have with your husband is absolutely toxic. You won't make it. You are already thinking about a life without him. Strongly suggest therapy for the both of you. I'm presuming one or both of you will make excuses why that isn't possible.

Although I'm also assuming that at some level you want to recover your marriage - why else post here?
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Old 07-03-2010, 06:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: No Sex drive, Husband always wants it

As usual, this is ALL about communication.
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