Wife is emotional and physically distant
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Wife is emotional and physically distant

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-02-2010, 07:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife is emotional and physically distant

We have been together for 5 years, but married for two. She cheated on her ex husband when they were having problems with me and at the time the sex was great. yes, I lived in another state and it was like once a month but it was for hours at a time when we would do it. When we finially moved in together the sex quietly went away and now is a 1 a month thing and only if she has been drinking. I do everything for her including full body massages at least twice a week because she stresses sometimes about work issues. She doesn't clean or cook and barely comes out of the bedroom on the weekends, but if one of her friends asks her to go out she jumps at the chance. She tries to include me since I do not have any friends in the state, but she is 26 and I am 32. Our idea of having fun are two different things as you can imagine. I don't dance, she loves it, she goes with the flow and I need a plan. she says I have always been paranoid of her actions when she is out, but to my defense she is a "flirty girl". She shows no affection towards me 99% of the time and says that she loves me only if I ask and most of the time the answer is, "If I didn't I wouldn't be here". That is not enough for me. In some arguments in the begining of living together she has told me that she has checked out moving out with her friend afer a few bad "Spats" with me. she is always on Facebook typing away, but I never see any posts on my site. When we talk we never talk about "us" unless I bring it up. She says I never want to "Show my feelings" and that the only emotion I have is anger and paranoia. She says when I ask her where she is going via text that I am smothing her. She says that she is a "Go with the flow type person" I feel that if something doesn't change we will either stay together just for the kids until they are 18 or we will seperate sooner. I love her and miss her when I am not around her, though I do not think she feels the same about me. HELP! this seems like a repetative circle of events and I want to break free from the cycle and get her to show more affection.
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Old 07-02-2010, 12:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is emotional and physically distant

It's time for you to take control of your environment. This starts with you gaining some security and self-confidence. This sounds like a classic case of the man thinking he's doing the right thing by being the "good husband" and pouring on the "I love you's" and affection, while pushing his wife away in the process. If she's not responding the way she used to, it's because she has all of the lovey dovey stuff she needs for a while. Her container is full, so no need to keep filling it.

Ease up and distance yourself for a little bit. Don't become cold or mean, just make yourself less available. Go hang with the fellas a little more. Keep your hair and facial hair taken care of, hit the gym, focus on some hobbies. Don't blow up her phone with texts anymore. Let her text you first and unless it's something important than take your sweet time responding to the texts. Give her enough space to miss and crave you again. Walk around with the confidence that you're secure with yourself and that you're a catch. She'll be drawn to it.

Don't initiate "I love you's" or cuddles anymore. Give it time and let her come to you. And even if she does start back with the "I love you's", don't immediately go back to the way you were, you'll look like a puppy that missed her too much. Don't always say it back, mix it up a little. Sometimes just smile, sometimes wink, sometimes say something slick like "I know you do," in a flirty way. Too much affection loses its meaning after a while so when you finally do give her an "I love you" it'll mean so much more. And when you reciprocate do it sincerely and with love.That way she won't take this space you're creating as spite. You're only creating an environment of sexual and tension and slight mystery, which will give you back the "edge" you had when you two first got together.

Oh, and don't masturbate either. You need to keep your testosterone up so you can be confident and sexy, not a teddy bear. Right now your wife craves excitement, not mushyness. Be spontaneous and do some new things to shake it up a little. Now is the time to break out of the hum drum routines. If she's a "go with the flow" type person, make the flow unique and new.

Be funny and flirtatious at times. Treat her like you did when you were dating and she wasn't a guarantee. You need to constantly study things in your head and figure out how to recreate some exciting energy in your household. And ALWAYS remember, confidence is key.
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Old 07-02-2010, 12:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is emotional and physically distant

I'll do it and let you know. we might be going to the movies tonight so that's a start. ( I initiated that one.)
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Old 07-02-2010, 12:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is emotional and physically distant

Good luck! I have an e-book you can read in the meantime if you're interested. It seems like it's right up your alley and can be a lifesaver to married men. If you are just drop me your e-mail address and I'll shoot if over.
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Old 07-20-2010, 07:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Update: Well the first date never happened, she was too tired. Stressful week, I understand. Went on another last weekend. We went to a concert. I didn't like it, but as long as she had fun right? I have been giving her the space she needs and following your advice Blue. Oh and by the way, still no sex..... WTF? I have checked her "toy" and found that she has been using it. So either I am paranoid, smoothering her, (or both, like she says I am) or she is like a sexual camel, (can hold out without needing it for weeks even months at a time, or the biggie.... She's screwing someone else. Nobody could not want sex for that long, could they?
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