Not sure that Christianity frowns on masturbation.
We do not believe it does... we just do not believe in the use of porn.
Did you two ever have a good sex life?
To be honest the first few months were "ok". We may have had sex once or twice a week if I begged for it. But there was a lot of problems. She would tell me I was wanting it too much. Also she told me she did not like sex.
I understand it may have partly been because of my lack of experience but I like to believe I have improved and she now says she likes it. We have never had a problem with her climaxing...often multiple times actually.
What conversations have you had about sex and your relationship?
We are able to talk about things openly for the most part in our relationship. This is one area things get hard though. I have always done my best to reassure her and comfort her. But if I bring up the subject of sex she does not want to talk about it really. She does however say that she feels bad that we don't have it. She also says she feels like nothing she does is good enough.
I try to praise her all the time though. She says she feels that way because I will say "don't stop" when I am enjoying it and that it makes her feel like she can't please me... (by the way, she will normally stop doing whatever it is after 30 seconds or so whether I say that or not). I also try to tell her what I like and don't like. I believe it is part of communication. I am never harsh at all. But if I let her know something hurts she again says she feels like I am not pleased with her.
I have told her how I feel about our current situation. I told her everything I am saying here. I have told her I do not trust her because of all the times she said we would have sex and then something came up or she just forgot. I suggested counseling but she doesn't want to do that.
She says she will make more of an effort and then the cycle continues.
Do you feel that your wife has "dealt with" her prior sexual abuse?
She has been in and out of counseling and dealt with it as best she could. She believes she no longer needs it and will not go anymore. She has told me that she used to have flashbacks while we had sex. But I believe she has improved.
And when you say she's sick... Is she really sick, or just making excuses?
She is often really sick with colds, random pain, and things like UTI's. However this is not ALL the time. I do not expect her to want sex when she is hurting... but it is not all the time that she hurts. I just feel like there are 365 days in a year and even with half of the year being sick that is still 6 months of possible sex...so why only 3 days of sex in a year?
Sniper, I wonder why you had to say that you were Christians in the first line?
A few reasons.
1. I wanted to stop any thought of divorce talk before it started.
2. I wanted to make it clear that we do not believe in the use of porn (though we had fallen into it at one point together and it seemed to actually improve our sex life...but again there were issues of guilt with it so we stopped).
How are you connecting emotionally?
We actually have a VERY good marriage in EVERY other area. We are both loyal and we communicate very well about everything but this. We laugh together and try to go on dates. We try to take care of each others needs. We just seem to fail here.
Sniper...well first how old are the two of you and how long ago was she assaulted? Did she get any counseling for the assault? Has she always been resistent to sex ... did she ever "want" to have sex with you?
We are both close to 30. She was assaulted at the age of 13. She did get counseling. She has told me she wanted sex...but she also told me she didn't at one point early in our marriage. But that now she does.
Do you two get along outside the bedroom ok, any issues there?
She is my world and I am hers. We love each other very much. We get along great. Lately though I am thinking this is starting to take its toll. Because without that connection we seem to be growing distant. It is almost like very loving roommates that don't have sex and have pledged loyalty to each other.