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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-05-2013, 07:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help Us Please

I need help. My wife and I are Christians by the way.

We seem to be in a sexless marriage. There is a lot of history here but I want to give you the info to get the help we need.

Right now it has been 8 months since we had sex last. Before that we may have had it once or twice this year.

This has left me (the husband) in a strange place. Early in our marriage I hounded her for sex and eventually gave up. I stopped trying because of constant rejection. I would want it still but never ask.

But now I have gotten to a point where I not only do not ask but I actually feel as though I "don't want it". I know that I really do want it though because of the temptation to look at porn and self pleasure.

Remember I am a Christian though and that is not acceptable.

So how do I stop "not wanting it"?

I ask because my wife "says" she wants to try to have sex today. But I "don't want it" and frankly have heard the "promise" before so I don't believe it.

Extra Details

1. My wife is always sick with something or another.
2. She has been sexually assaulted in the past.
3. She will ask me to use a toy on her semi often but refuses to do anything for me.
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Old 12-05-2013, 07:46 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Sexless marriage is the symptom of something going wrong in the relationship.

Not sure that Christianity frowns on masturbation.

Did you two ever have a good sex life? If not, then you both need to work on your trust issues that prevent you from being honest and open about sex. You could start by telling her exactly what you've written here. If at one point you did have a good sex life, then you have to ask her why she lost her attraction to you.

What conversations have you had about sex and your relationship?
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Old 12-05-2013, 08:06 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Do you feel that your wife has "dealt with" her prior sexual abuse? There's a number of threads in here that deal with the fallout of childhood sexual abuse and how it impacts future intimate relationships.

What about counselling, through your church or not?

And when you say she's sick... Is she really sick, or just making excuses?

C
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Old 12-05-2013, 08:10 AM   #4 (permalink)
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you might want to start and see if she will watch this. This might get her and you talking about how your feeling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w
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Old 12-05-2013, 08:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Sniper, I wonder why you had to say that you were Christians in the first line?
I presume because you are 'active' believers, in that you pray, go to church often and try to live your lives according to the Holy Book.

Although I 'believe' I am not 'active'....however I do know that there are passages in the bible that basically say that a husband and wife should avail themselves to each other sexually so as to keep the work of satan at bay.

All marriage vows (as far as I know) basically say the say thing; with my body I thee honour. That means that each spouse will avail their bodies to each other (as above).
With-holding sex (as against being unable to due to medical reasons) goes against Gods will and the very sanctity of marriage.

If your wife refuses to have 'adequate' sex with you then she is breaking her marriage vows and insulting the Almighty.

Obviously you (thats you PLURAL) must address these issues and reach an acceptable compromise. If you cannot then there is NO marriage.
Do the honourable thing for you wife, yourself and the Almighty and divorce.
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Old 12-05-2013, 09:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Did you guys ever have a healthy sex life? Or was it always sexless?

How are you connecting emotionally?
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Old 12-05-2013, 09:34 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sniper View Post
I need help. My wife and I are Christians by the way.

We seem to be in a sexless marriage. There is a lot of history here but I want to give you the info to get the help we need.

Right now it has been 8 months since we had sex last. Before that we may have had it once or twice this year.

This has left me (the husband) in a strange place. Early in our marriage I hounded her for sex and eventually gave up. I stopped trying because of constant rejection. I would want it still but never ask.

But now I have gotten to a point where I not only do not ask but I actually feel as though I "don't want it". I know that I really do want it though because of the temptation to look at porn and self pleasure.

Remember I am a Christian though and that is not acceptable.

So how do I stop "not wanting it"?

I ask because my wife "says" she wants to try to have sex today. But I "don't want it" and frankly have heard the "promise" before so I don't believe it.

Extra Details

1. My wife is always sick with something or another.
2. She has been sexually assaulted in the past.
3. She will ask me to use a toy on her semi often but refuses to do anything for me.
Sniper...well first how old are the two of you and how long ago was she assaulted? Did she get any counseling for the assault? Has she always been resistent to sex ... did she ever "want" to have sex with you?

The toy thing is not uncommon in assault victims...it is a non-touch intimacy thing. It feels safer and you still get pleasure, this probable means she has a sex drive but she has issues with being touched from the assault. It is not uncommon for assault victims to suffer from mis-placed aggression and mis-placed association, when you go through a trauma you and are not able to work through the emotions and injuries withe person that hurt you sometimes you unconciously do it with someone else...because you do have to work through the emotions and injuries.. Just my guess. Do you two get along outside the bedroom ok, any issues there?


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Last edited by mineforever; 12-05-2013 at 09:43 AM.
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Old 12-05-2013, 01:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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since you said you're christians, I will suggest you go see your pastor for counselling/prayers. You both need to be very open and sincere about the matter.
I don't know what your r/ship looks like outside the bedroom, but you need to earn her trust & confidence in every way.
That being said, she as well needs to make a conscious effort to fulfil her vows, show you love and not be selfish. In this world, we all get abused one way or the other - we just can't totally escape some form of abuse, but we can choose to remain captive of those abusive experiences, or get over them and enjoy the best of what this short life gives us. I don't know how old you both are, how long you've been together/married and if you have children. However, for the sake of all she holds dear, she needs to stop living in fear & suspicion (look at what 2Tim1:7 says...'God doesn't want us to be shy with his gifts, but bold and loving and sensible.'...the message bible)
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Old 12-05-2013, 01:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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The 800 lb gorilla in the room is the past sexual abuse... you guys need to work on that, first and foremost. Pressuring for sex (which I know you no longer do) is definitely not a good thing when it comes to people with abuse in their past... Not sure if things can be patched up, but if you truly love each other, IC and MC may help right the ship...
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Old 12-05-2013, 01:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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if you really are not interested in sex or the emotional intimacy that comes with it consider taking an antidepressants with sex drive dampening side effects.

You will feel better and the desire will lessen.

The problem in your marriage will not go away but the symptoms will be easier to endure.
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Old 12-05-2013, 01:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Not sure that Christianity frowns on masturbation.
We do not believe it does... we just do not believe in the use of porn.

Quote:
Did you two ever have a good sex life?
To be honest the first few months were "ok". We may have had sex once or twice a week if I begged for it. But there was a lot of problems. She would tell me I was wanting it too much. Also she told me she did not like sex.

I understand it may have partly been because of my lack of experience but I like to believe I have improved and she now says she likes it. We have never had a problem with her climaxing...often multiple times actually.

Quote:
What conversations have you had about sex and your relationship?
We are able to talk about things openly for the most part in our relationship. This is one area things get hard though. I have always done my best to reassure her and comfort her. But if I bring up the subject of sex she does not want to talk about it really. She does however say that she feels bad that we don't have it. She also says she feels like nothing she does is good enough.

I try to praise her all the time though. She says she feels that way because I will say "don't stop" when I am enjoying it and that it makes her feel like she can't please me... (by the way, she will normally stop doing whatever it is after 30 seconds or so whether I say that or not). I also try to tell her what I like and don't like. I believe it is part of communication. I am never harsh at all. But if I let her know something hurts she again says she feels like I am not pleased with her.

I have told her how I feel about our current situation. I told her everything I am saying here. I have told her I do not trust her because of all the times she said we would have sex and then something came up or she just forgot. I suggested counseling but she doesn't want to do that.

She says she will make more of an effort and then the cycle continues.

Quote:
Do you feel that your wife has "dealt with" her prior sexual abuse?
She has been in and out of counseling and dealt with it as best she could. She believes she no longer needs it and will not go anymore. She has told me that she used to have flashbacks while we had sex. But I believe she has improved.

Quote:
And when you say she's sick... Is she really sick, or just making excuses?
She is often really sick with colds, random pain, and things like UTI's. However this is not ALL the time. I do not expect her to want sex when she is hurting... but it is not all the time that she hurts. I just feel like there are 365 days in a year and even with half of the year being sick that is still 6 months of possible sex...so why only 3 days of sex in a year?

Quote:
Sniper, I wonder why you had to say that you were Christians in the first line?
A few reasons.

1. I wanted to stop any thought of divorce talk before it started.
2. I wanted to make it clear that we do not believe in the use of porn (though we had fallen into it at one point together and it seemed to actually improve our sex life...but again there were issues of guilt with it so we stopped).

Quote:
How are you connecting emotionally?
We actually have a VERY good marriage in EVERY other area. We are both loyal and we communicate very well about everything but this. We laugh together and try to go on dates. We try to take care of each others needs. We just seem to fail here.

Quote:
Sniper...well first how old are the two of you and how long ago was she assaulted? Did she get any counseling for the assault? Has she always been resistent to sex ... did she ever "want" to have sex with you?
We are both close to 30. She was assaulted at the age of 13. She did get counseling. She has told me she wanted sex...but she also told me she didn't at one point early in our marriage. But that now she does.

Quote:
Do you two get along outside the bedroom ok, any issues there?
She is my world and I am hers. We love each other very much. We get along great. Lately though I am thinking this is starting to take its toll. Because without that connection we seem to be growing distant. It is almost like very loving roommates that don't have sex and have pledged loyalty to each other.

Last edited by sniper; 12-05-2013 at 01:53 PM. Reason: closed quote tag
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Old 12-05-2013, 06:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I don't think your situation is fixable. I think it's time that you just resign yourself to it being the way it is and learn to live with it. The main reason I don't think it's fixable is that it doesn't look like you've got it in you to do the hard work that it will take to fix it. It doesn't look like you're one of those guys who has it in him to rock the boat enough and destabilize the relationship. What you'll do is cherry pick the advise you receive, praise the easy stuff, ignore anything that makes you uncomfortable etc... We see that a lot here and the result with that personality type is more of the same for years to come.
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Old 12-05-2013, 06:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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BTW, masturbation <> porn. You could think of your wife, or others, you don't _have_ to use porn for visual stimulation.

Yeah, significant changes need to happen... on both of your sides. Good luck, sincerely.
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Old 12-05-2013, 07:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
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God, if I had a nickle for every multiple orgasming cold woman who hates sex on this board.... (mutters)

It sounds to me as if your wife is inflexible as to any path of change. You can desire change as much as you desire air but if she does not desire change there will be no change. With sexual abuse it seems more a matter of determination to overcome. When a person chooses to change that choice must daily. You cannot do it in her place.
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Old 12-05-2013, 11:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
I don't think your situation is fixable. I think it's time that you just resign yourself to it being the way it is and learn to live with it. The main reason I don't think it's fixable is that it doesn't look like you've got it in you to do the hard work that it will take to fix it. It doesn't look like you're one of those guys who has it in him to rock the boat enough and destabilize the relationship. What you'll do is cherry pick the advise you receive, praise the easy stuff, ignore anything that makes you uncomfortable etc... We see that a lot here and the result with that personality type is more of the same for years to come.
I'm going to click that I like your post. I am increasingly of the belief that optimism is the only rational approach to life. Your post is so pessimistic: I don't like the pessimism, but I like how well you expressed the pessimistic point of view.
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