Re: Wife's not interested, I'm frustrated and feeling abandoned
There have been so many good points made by the men and women on this thread. In fact, as a man, it is remarkable how insightful and intuitive the comments from women have been about men, and I hope the ladies feel the same way by what the men have said. For all the jokes in society about the sexes not understanding each other, when we just sit down and think, it turns out we understand each other fairly well a lot of times. Wonder of wonders, we find how much we have in common. I also understand this isn't just a "man wants sex, woman doesn't" thing; there have been other threads where it is reversed - the woman is frustrated because she wants sex and the man doesn't.
Unless I misunderstood, I believe someone in an earlier post to this thread tried to equate a man raping someone with a husband's legitimate desire (and expectation) to have intimate relations with his wife. I don't even think you're comparing apples and oranges there; it's more like trying to compare cyanide with apples. And it is my understanding that men who rape don't do it out of sexual desire but for some other psychotic reason (like hatred of women, desire to control/dominate another person, etc.). That comparison sounds like the same, tired "all men are animals," "all they do is think about sex," drone. If the poor dude just wants to make love to his unresponsive wife, that puts him in the same conversation as a rapist?? Not in a million years.
At the risk of sounding argumentative, and that is not my intention at all, I have decided to respond to some other poster's remarks one at a time. To tunera, it is not another person's "job" to meet the intimacy needs of your husband. Did you get married to him, or did you just agree to live together and help share the bills and household duties like Jack and Janet and Chrissy on "Three's Company?" You married him. Sexual intimacy is one of the few (if not only) things you share exclusively (hopefully) with your spouse. If he or she is attractive, or is a good cook, or is talented or gifted in some way, other people get to enjoy those attributes. Not to reduce it all just to the physical, but sexual intimacy is one of the things that makes you each other's wife/husband. It's a time when you have shut out all the rest of the world and just focus on each other.
AmorousWarrior made an excellent (among many) point when he stated that a person should not take the easy way out. That's one of reasons I said maturity is so necessary; the right way is not always the easy or shortest way, but often takes a lot of effort or time. It's human nature to take the easy way out, and so someone without the maturity to rise above that, to go beyond selfishness, will not put forth the effort necessary.
Marriage is a complete package agreement. Sex is an essential component of it. It is not a mere side perk. While no one has a right to demand sex of their spouse, neither does either one have a right to always deny it (and only having sex once or twice every two months is virtually "always," so let's not get off track splitting hairs). Which brings me to my next point: Why is the focus on "he/she wants/demands and now I must give?" You both should want it. You won't always both be in the same mood or desire level at the moment, but the general desire should never be absent completely, even on nights when you really can't or aren't in the mood at all.
I want to be respectful and delicate, but straight on this point. While there are some medically verified cases of actual clinicial frigidity in a very small percentage of women, and to those are my deepest understanding and compassion, I have to wonder about the rest of the women who say they could take or leave sex. This is a rhetorical question, but have you ever truly had an orgasm in sex? I can't believe that you could have an earth-shaking, mind-blowing, rock-my-world orgasm and then be ambivalent (could take it or leave it) about it. It's like people who compare sex to food (ie, "better-than-sex cake"). Yeah, right. It makes me wonder what type of sub-par sex those poor souls have suffered to even put a piece of food on the same level. Like I said in my first post, DO something. Some of you ladies, especially in your forties, fifties, or older (it can also happen in your thirties) have lower estrogen levens due to premenopause or the onset of it. Your whole mood and outlook on life, including sexual desire, could be improved with estrogen replacement therapy. Take a look at what Dr. James Dobson and others have to say about this. It's remarkable. Even if you don't subscribe to Dr. Dobson's religious views, he is an excellent source on strictly medical terms alone.
Also, the fact that people are even talking on here about cheating (wishing their spouse would find an outside outlet or wishing their spouse would tell them they could find one) supports my point that even a person who would not otherwise stray may eventually get to the point of "stealing to get food" so to speak. As hard as it may be for some people to understand, sexual intimacy is a basic need, not just a desire. More generally, human touch is a basic human need. I don't think there's a legitimate doctor or psychologist alive who disputes that. What deeper, more meaningful, more intimate touch can their be between husband and wife in sex?
Carron36 - excellent points! Need2know - I appreciate your post and wanted to make the point that NEVER wanting sex is indicative of something wrong. People can debate that all day. Is the new marriage agreement of the 21st Century to get married, share the house, share duties, but get a girlfriend, bud, because our bed's only for sleeping? Ladies who think that, do you realize that sex isn't just physical to a man? Do you realize that anyone who meets the needs of a person makes deposits into what Dr. Harley calls that person's love bank? Allowing another person to meet his sexual needs means that eventually his heart may start going to that person also. It's not definite, but could happen. Do you want to take that chance? Also, to think that way is revealing -- do you consider sex to be just physical? If so, you need a more mature view of sex on all its levels (physical, emotional, mental, even spiritual).
Also, for Need2know and others, if your husband is so good-looking, sexy, talented, a great catch, etc. (and I'm not doubting you), then why in God's name don't you want the man to make love to you? Like I said, all other kind words ring hollow when action doesn't follow. My dad once said, don't pay so much attention to what people say as to what they do. If I'm a husband being told I'm good-looking, great guy, etc, but you (wife) don't ever want me sexually, I'm going to start thinking you're blowing smoke or shooting bull. Plus, if he's really that hot and you aren't giving him what he needs, he's probably got women falling all over him. Sure, he shouldn't give in to temptation no matter what, and should keep his vows, but don't miss the point -- you should not push him to the brink of having to face such an excruciating decision/temptation. Guys think about sex a lot, regardless, it's just the way we are and I don't apologize for it. Besides, if we didn't, none of you (or I) would exist. But if a man's satisfied with what he's getting at home, he's not going to be looking for outside dalliances, generally speaking. Sure, there are always exceptions - the selfish, immature jerk who cheats no matter what - but then, there are reprobates in both sexes. We're talking about the vast majority of real men and women here, so stay with me. To use a car anology (and no, I'm not in any way comparing women or people to things - it's just to make a point): If a man has a Lamborghini in his garage, he's not going to be so tempted to steal a ride in someone's nice-looking econony car.
Play with fire, and you might get burned. Deny sex to the one you supposedly love so much and pledged to, and risk him or her straying, or at the very least silently seething with frustration, self-doubt, gradually diminishing confidence, etc.
When I hear a woman say she could be content with never having sex again, I have pity. If you have been raped or abused, there are issues to work through. Chances are you aren't one of the very small percentage of women who are truly frigid. There's one sure-fire way to tell: Can you orgams through self-stimulation? If so, you're not clinically frigid. It's time to deal with what our real problems are, and not just say, "I'm okay with no sex; don't expect it; take it or leave it." He just might take you up on that offer.