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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-13-2010, 08:27 PM   #91 (permalink)
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I kept thinking about this all through dinner and I had to jump back on and say....Isn't it funny that it was a MAN who thought that if women don't want sex, it must mean that they have never had an orgasm or that sex wasn't 'good'??

Funny men...Trix are for kids. I have had good sex. Lots and lots of good sex. But I can envision a life without sex and it wouldn't kill me. There was a time in my life I never thought I would say that. But I have had my children, I am moving into the end of my reproductive time and maybe sex drive naturally diminishes for women with the end of their reproductive years? I know it doesn't have to and doesn't for all women. But if you think of the imperative to have sex from an evolutionary standpoint, it wouldn't make sense for older women who are no longer fertile to be competing with younger, fertile women for mates. Just something to think about...
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Old 07-13-2010, 08:28 PM   #92 (permalink)
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Sometimes, we women do not know what bothers us enough to tell you. You said she referred to your diagnosis as a discovery. Do you think maybe she was worried about you and you totally blew her out of the water by making your own meals and taking charge? Was this new in your relationship? Maybe she is threatened that your looking better and she is not looking as good to you through her eyes? I know right now sex is the farthest thing from my mind, and the first for my hubby. Sometimes, I get in the mood when he suggests that we take a shower and then he proceeds into a massage and things go from there. Yes, the flowers are nice, dinners and such but if you do it with the thought that your going to get sex, that could be the whistle blower. After a nice dinner, let her know you enjoyed her company. Pick her up a quilting book and write a note saying I saw this and was thinking of you. Write a few frisky notes such as Friday Night, I plan to take you to dinner and ravage you for desert and put it in her car. Lead up to it so expectations are clear. If your kids are not in the house, you should be able to be inventive. If she is feeling a little insecure, knowing you want her will help. Maybe saying things to her like, I am so glad that I found out about my health and it made me want to get in shape for you. I know you need your spouse right now, but now may be the time she needs you to work for her. You worked on your health, now work on your wife and do it with the same enthusiasm!
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:40 PM   #93 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's not interested, I'm frustrated and feeling abandoned

N2K,
Your post below is very insightful and your H is quite lucky that you are really committed here.

My W and I are 47. She has hit menopause hard. She used to O almost every time we had sex. Now maybe 1/3 of the time. This is not about me being selfish - I am happy to do WHATEVER she likes and consistently volunteer to go the extra mile in bed. Seems like her drive is just greatly diminished.

I am lucky in that she seems to like the "overall experience" and she cares enough about me to get a good feeling rocking my world.




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I kept thinking about this all through dinner and I had to jump back on and say....Isn't it funny that it was a MAN who thought that if women don't want sex, it must mean that they have never had an orgasm or that sex wasn't 'good'??

Funny men...Trix are for kids. I have had good sex. Lots and lots of good sex. But I can envision a life without sex and it wouldn't kill me. There was a time in my life I never thought I would say that. But I have had my children, I am moving into the end of my reproductive time and maybe sex drive naturally diminishes for women with the end of their reproductive years? I know it doesn't have to and doesn't for all women. But if you think of the imperative to have sex from an evolutionary standpoint, it wouldn't make sense for older women who are no longer fertile to be competing with younger, fertile women for mates. Just something to think about...
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:57 PM   #94 (permalink)
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Sometimes, we women do not know what bothers us enough to tell you. You said she referred to your diagnosis as a discovery. Do you think maybe she was worried about you and you totally blew her out of the water by making your own meals and taking charge? Was this new in your relationship? Maybe she is threatened that your looking better and she is not looking as good to you through her eyes? I know right now sex is the farthest thing from my mind, and the first for my hubby. Sometimes, I get in the mood when he suggests that we take a shower and then he proceeds into a massage and things go from there. Yes, the flowers are nice, dinners and such but if you do it with the thought that your going to get sex, that could be the whistle blower. After a nice dinner, let her know you enjoyed her company. Pick her up a quilting book and write a note saying I saw this and was thinking of you. Write a few frisky notes such as Friday Night, I plan to take you to dinner and ravage you for desert and put it in her car. Lead up to it so expectations are clear. If your kids are not in the house, you should be able to be inventive. If she is feeling a little insecure, knowing you want her will help. Maybe saying things to her like, I am so glad that I found out about my health and it made me want to get in shape for you. I know you need your spouse right now, but now may be the time she needs you to work for her. You worked on your health, now work on your wife and do it with the same enthusiasm!
Thanks for the suggestions!!
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Old 07-14-2010, 09:18 AM   #95 (permalink)
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MEM, It is good that you recognize that she can enjoy the experience without having an orgasm. My husband acknowledges that on an intellectual basis, but I don't think he really GETS it. I think he thinks I have to orgasm to enjoy sex. He tends to pursue things even though I try to indicate that maybe it would be better to just "Move on....there's nothing to see here." That makes me start to feel like he is not paying attention to me and that makes me feel resentful, so the chances of me getting anywhere drop to zero, so he tries harder, so I get more irritated...you see where this goes.

I know all of this winds back to what has happened to us financially over the past two years. He used to run his own construction company with a couple of crews going on several different projects at a time. Now he spends his days scanning Craigslist and Angie's list for remodeling jobs that he can handle by himself or with a minimum of help. He goes just about every day to offer quotes that are half what he would have quoted two years ago to get shot down because the homeowner's neighbor lost his management job two months ago and is willing to do the work (poorly) for next to nothing. I KNOW this is taking a toll on him. I feel that his obsessive neediness in the bedroom is directly related to how much LESS of a man he feels like during the day. But he says NO, that's not it and I am not sure whether I a wrong or he is in denial. I *think* things are creaking around on the business front. But in the meantime, I have had to turn what was a hobby of mine into a money making venture. I do not in any way shape or form make anything like what he used to make, but we couldn't make it now without my financial input. He says that doesn't bother him, that he isn't a Neanderthal. So, I dunno.

Anywho, it all illustrates to me how much what happens in our bedrooms depends on what happens outside our homes, at the dinner table and just writing that gave me an idea. You know, I think I am going to suggest that he try coaching a rec league soccer team or baseball or something like that. He needs an outlet that allows him to feel in charge again. That doesn't involve me having to have sex every day.

I am so glad I found this place. Just writing about this knowing that other people are going to read it has made me clarify my thoughts and feelings on a subject that was tearing me up. Thanks, Internet!!
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Old 07-14-2010, 09:26 AM   #96 (permalink)
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Tamara, that is pretty smart. She might be feeling left behind. It will be interesting if that comes out during counseling.

I watched a show the other night on Netflix titled "This Emotional Life". The first episode is about relationships and one of the spots was about an older (mid-50's maybe) couple who had always been very happy, but late in the marriage sex became an issue. The wife felt like many of the women who have commented here...she had companionship, she had things to occupy her during the day and she just didn't feel the need for sex. He pretty much felt like if they didn't start having sex again, he was out the door. He loved her, but a part of that for him was sex. They figured it out. It was very touching to watch. Maybe watching something like that with your spouse could help open up a dialogue.
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Old 07-14-2010, 10:30 AM   #97 (permalink)
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Is he exercising? Stress can be hard on your body - and financial stress is very difficult.

I do not put any pressure on my W to O because she finds those conversations/acts annoying. She told me that a long time ago and I simply accept it. I DON'T like it - but I accept it

What I have observed though is that it is true. Apparently she CAN have a good time without hitting the rapture at the end. I say that because there is no way she would "humor me" as often as she does if that wasn't true.

As for sex, frequency and rejection. I do know one thing that works well for us is: If one of us wants to NOT connect they simply say "can we connect tomorrow night?" This is a "polite" statement. It isn't really a question. And the other person gets to say "sure no problem". And then the next night we do connect.


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MEM, It is good that you recognize that she can enjoy the experience without having an orgasm. My husband acknowledges that on an intellectual basis, but I don't think he really GETS it. I think he thinks I have to orgasm to enjoy sex. He tends to pursue things even though I try to indicate that maybe it would be better to just "Move on....there's nothing to see here." That makes me start to feel like he is not paying attention to me and that makes me feel resentful, so the chances of me getting anywhere drop to zero, so he tries harder, so I get more irritated...you see where this goes.

I know all of this winds back to what has happened to us financially over the past two years. He used to run his own construction company with a couple of crews going on several different projects at a time. Now he spends his days scanning Craigslist and Angie's list for remodeling jobs that he can handle by himself or with a minimum of help. He goes just about every day to offer quotes that are half what he would have quoted two years ago to get shot down because the homeowner's neighbor lost his management job two months ago and is willing to do the work (poorly) for next to nothing. I KNOW this is taking a toll on him. I feel that his obsessive neediness in the bedroom is directly related to how much LESS of a man he feels like during the day. But he says NO, that's not it and I am not sure whether I a wrong or he is in denial. I *think* things are creaking around on the business front. But in the meantime, I have had to turn what was a hobby of mine into a money making venture. I do not in any way shape or form make anything like what he used to make, but we couldn't make it now without my financial input. He says that doesn't bother him, that he isn't a Neanderthal. So, I dunno.

Anywho, it all illustrates to me how much what happens in our bedrooms depends on what happens outside our homes, at the dinner table and just writing that gave me an idea. You know, I think I am going to suggest that he try coaching a rec league soccer team or baseball or something like that. He needs an outlet that allows him to feel in charge again. That doesn't involve me having to have sex every day.

I am so glad I found this place. Just writing about this knowing that other people are going to read it has made me clarify my thoughts and feelings on a subject that was tearing me up. Thanks, Internet!!
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Old 07-14-2010, 11:37 AM   #98 (permalink)
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Is he exercising? Stress can be hard on your body - and financial stress is very difficult.

....

As for sex, frequency and rejection. I do know one thing that works well for us is: If one of us wants to NOT connect they simply say "can we connect tomorrow night?" This is a "polite" statement. It isn't really a question. And the other person gets to say "sure no problem". And then the next night we do connect.
He does not 'workout', per se. But he likes to stay physically active, so he keeps mowing the yard and working in the garden. Also, we have horses, so he rides and works around the barn. That's the hobby I have turned to making money for us. I am teaching riding lessons and boarding other people's horses. He cannot sit around very well, so he stays busy. He has been talking about trying to find a weight bench and working out with weights. I think instead of just nodding the next time he says that, I am going to actively encourage it. I bet my son would like doing that kind of thing with him, too.

I hear what you are saying about a nice way to put him off. For me, it still feels like I am rejecting him, no matter how I say it. Which makes me feel guilty. I feel like no matter what, I am the one in control of sex. He pretty much would be ready any old time, so all I have to do is blink the right way. Or the wrong way. Or not at all. Anything pretty much works. I am the one that ends up deciding when we have sex. Which feels almost like a burden, you know? That's why I was thinking that if we had set times for sex, it wouldn't be spontaneous, but it wouldn't be stressful either. And I could flirt 'safely' on off days.

He is a good man. He listens. He doesn't want to pressure me, but he does want to have sex fairly frequently. We have to figure this out when we are not in the heat (or lack thereof) of the moment. Once it is at the point that I am saying, "Oh, but Bones is on.", it's a little late.
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Old 07-14-2010, 11:57 AM   #99 (permalink)
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We used to be YOU. I wanted to EVERY SINGLE DAY. What helped us - I traveled for work. No I never cheated. But she got a fair amount of "breaks" from me simply being away.

As for my W - she was such a trooper. She pretty much did almost every single day with me. Still - resentment is not good for marriage and years and years of trying to keep up with someone who has triple your libido can be tiresome.

My drive is so much lower now that my view of sex has changed into: Love it but don't need that much of it.

In fact there have been weeks where a whole week without it is fine by me.

Have you tried giving him a horse tranquilizer? If we had had a stable my W would have.

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He does not 'workout', per se. But he likes to stay physically active, so he keeps mowing the yard and working in the garden. Also, we have horses, so he rides and works around the barn. That's the hobby I have turned to making money for us. I am teaching riding lessons and boarding other people's horses. He cannot sit around very well, so he stays busy. He has been talking about trying to find a weight bench and working out with weights. I think instead of just nodding the next time he says that, I am going to actively encourage it. I bet my son would like doing that kind of thing with him, too.

I hear what you are saying about a nice way to put him off. For me, it still feels like I am rejecting him, no matter how I say it. Which makes me feel guilty. I feel like no matter what, I am the one in control of sex. He pretty much would be ready any old time, so all I have to do is blink the right way. Or the wrong way. Or not at all. Anything pretty much works. I am the one that ends up deciding when we have sex. Which feels almost like a burden, you know? That's why I was thinking that if we had set times for sex, it wouldn't be spontaneous, but it wouldn't be stressful either. And I could flirt 'safely' on off days.

He is a good man. He listens. He doesn't want to pressure me, but he does want to have sex fairly frequently. We have to figure this out when we are not in the heat (or lack thereof) of the moment. Once it is at the point that I am saying, "Oh, but Bones is on.", it's a little late.
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Old 07-14-2010, 12:02 PM   #100 (permalink)
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He does not 'workout', per se. But he likes to stay physically active, so he keeps mowing the yard and working in the garden.
Those are good hobbies to have, but it's not really true "exercise". Getting the old ticker pumping around 65% - 75% for at least 30 minutes every other day is getting good cardiovascular health. Weight lifting is good and all, but does very little for cardio. Jogging, dancing, biking, etc are what is really good for the ol' ticker and for increasing stamina.

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That's why I was thinking that if we had set times for sex, it wouldn't be spontaneous, but it wouldn't be stressful either. And I could flirt 'safely' on off days.
My wife and I have it setup like that. I know it sounds weird but it's what works for us. We have 3 boys (9, 6, 18 months) with a girl due in October. With that many kids, spontaneity does not work too well! We have every other night a set time of at least 1 hour we spend together in our bedroom with the door locked. It's after the 18 month old is put to bed and the older 2 are watching TV, etc. The boys have been taught that is our alone time and there is no knocking on the door unless someone is bleeding or the house is on fire . We are not always intimate every time (although lately we have been) but we spend it as alone time. You'd be surprised at how easy it makes things for both of us. She knows that she will get at least 1 hour of my direct attention (I usually give her neck/back rubs while we watch tv). I know I get 1 hour of her time not focusing on the kids, etc.
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Old 07-14-2010, 12:24 PM   #101 (permalink)
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If I were going to do this all over we would have agreed on some number of nights per week and then she could pick the nights.

So if it was 5 nights a week, she would have chosen the 2 nights we didn't.


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He does not 'workout', per se. But he likes to stay physically active, so he keeps mowing the yard and working in the garden. Also, we have horses, so he rides and works around the barn. That's the hobby I have turned to making money for us. I am teaching riding lessons and boarding other people's horses. He cannot sit around very well, so he stays busy. He has been talking about trying to find a weight bench and working out with weights. I think instead of just nodding the next time he says that, I am going to actively encourage it. I bet my son would like doing that kind of thing with him, too.

I hear what you are saying about a nice way to put him off. For me, it still feels like I am rejecting him, no matter how I say it. Which makes me feel guilty. I feel like no matter what, I am the one in control of sex. He pretty much would be ready any old time, so all I have to do is blink the right way. Or the wrong way. Or not at all. Anything pretty much works. I am the one that ends up deciding when we have sex. Which feels almost like a burden, you know? That's why I was thinking that if we had set times for sex, it wouldn't be spontaneous, but it wouldn't be stressful either. And I could flirt 'safely' on off days.

He is a good man. He listens. He doesn't want to pressure me, but he does want to have sex fairly frequently. We have to figure this out when we are not in the heat (or lack thereof) of the moment. Once it is at the point that I am saying, "Oh, but Bones is on.", it's a little late.
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Old 07-14-2010, 01:39 PM   #102 (permalink)
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I kept thinking about this all through dinner and I had to jump back on and say....Isn't it funny that it was a MAN who thought that if women don't want sex, it must mean that they have never had an orgasm or that sex wasn't 'good'??

Funny men...Trix are for kids. I have had good sex. Lots and lots of good sex. But I can envision a life without sex and it wouldn't kill me. There was a time in my life I never thought I would say that. But I have had my children, I am moving into the end of my reproductive time and maybe sex drive naturally diminishes for women with the end of their reproductive years? I know it doesn't have to and doesn't for all women. But if you think of the imperative to have sex from an evolutionary standpoint, it wouldn't make sense for older women who are no longer fertile to be competing with younger, fertile women for mates. Just something to think about...

Sex is just worth so much more than the satisfaction of the physical drive. It is close connection. Or can be. It can be good clean fun. I

When my husband wants to have sex and I don't, I generally look to the OTHER things I DO want. I want to be close to him. I want to make him feel good. (I want to use lube )
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Old 07-14-2010, 01:46 PM   #103 (permalink)
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Those are good hobbies to have, but it's not really true "exercise". Getting the old ticker pumping around 65% - 75% for at least 30 minutes every other day is getting good cardiovascular health. Weight lifting is good and all, but does very little for cardio. Jogging, dancing, biking, etc are what is really good for the ol' ticker and for increasing stamina.
I hate the misconception that weight lifting / weight exercise is not cardio. (Sorry. This is a pet thing of mine. I have this crazy thing about debunking nutrician and exercise thingies. I heard a news report the other day that strongly implied that Ding Dongs were a health food because ... it now had real sugar instead of HFCS! Step away from the Ding Dongs! They are not health food!)


It sure can be. Anything done FAST is going to get your heart rate up.

Take a look at Welcome to CrossFit: Forging Elite Fitness

I tell you that this workout:

Complete three rounds for time of:
40 pound Dumbbell snatch, 21 reps, right arm
21 L Pull-ups
40 pound Dumbbell snatch, 21 reps, left arm
21 L Pull-ups

Post time to comments.


Is for TIME. Like as fast as you possibly can. The goal is to actually meet Mr Barfy. That would get your heart rate up! It is not only your feet and leg muscles that have the power to get your heart rate up.

That said, there are a lot of exercises that people don't consider cardio that can be. Mowing definitely can be. Go fast. My yard has a lot of hills. It is not at all hard to get my heart rate up. Ashtanga yoga is FAST and hard. AND builds good lean muscle. My heart rate is flying when it is done and my muscles sore the next day.


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Old 07-14-2010, 03:02 PM   #104 (permalink)
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Exercise is important. The better shape you are in, the more stamina you will have. Your self-esteem increases too. All good things!
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Old 07-14-2010, 03:41 PM   #105 (permalink)
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It sure can be. Anything done FAST is going to get your heart rate up.
I completely agree it is possible to get cardio from weights. But take a look at 90% of the people in a gym who are lifting weights. I guarantee you they are doing at the most reps of 8 with 2 minute rests between sets. That is not going to get your heart rate going at all. People have the conception lifting weights means putting a lot on the bench and pushing it up a few times in a row.

You CAN get cardio with weights doing things like Body pump, P-90X, etc. But from a standard typical American weight workout, there is very, very little cardio.

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Mowing definitely can be. Go fast. My yard has a lot of hills. It is not at all hard to get my heart rate up. Ashtanga yoga is FAST and hard. AND builds good lean muscle. My heart rate is flying when it is done and my muscles sore the next day.
Yes, yoga is one of the few things that can make me sweat like a feind while staying in a 6 x 6 square area (ever done hot yoga?). But again, the thing is most people will use a propelled lawnmower (not a pushmower) and will go slow. I'm not saying it's NOT possible to get exercise that way. But, you have to see that most people do NOT push themselves when doing those kind of "jobs".

I teach Karate and most of us get a LOT of cardio in my classes. Yet, I do have people who don't push, do things lightly and can end class not completely drenched in sweat. It's not so much the activity as it is how hard people work. That is why I always tell people running, dancing, bike riding, etc are the best ways to get cardio. Because those will raise your heart rate with the minimal amount of effort (and people are all about easy)!
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