txhunter54

We've been married a long time. Kids are grown and in college. My wife has virtually no interest in intimacy or sex. I've tried to communicate my feelings to her and asked what we can do. I get virtually no response from her. She says "I love you" to me. But, the actions don't match the words. If I try to hug her, she acts like I'm inconveniencing her. When I try to kiss her, she often turns so that I'm kissing her cheek instead of on the lips. Kinda like kissing an aunt or grandma. It's been many years since she has really shown any interest in doing things together in or out of the bedroom. Besides no sex, we hardly do anything together. Trips to Costco together don't count! I've told her that I feel we are more like room mates than husband and wife. I've asked her to participate in some of my hobbies or interests. But, she hasn't warmed up to any.

Based upon some internet searches, I found the book "Sex Starved Marriage" and gave it to my wife to read. She promised to read chapter 1. I'm not optimistic. But, if that doesn't have any effect, then I will suggest counseling.

txhunter54

Due to certain health issues, I've changed my eating habits and exercise regularly. I've lost weight and gained muscle and am in pretty good shape. My wife has no interest in going to workout or eating more healthy. This is just another factor affecting our relationship.

Susan2010

I suggest you go on and ask if she is open to marriage counseling because I highly doubt a book is going to get her in the mood or suddenly prompt her to want you. You need to find out why she lost that loving feeling and counseling should be helpful in bringing thoughts, feelings, complaints, concerns to the surface.

So it occurs to you the necessity and benefit to working out and being a healthier person and it affects your relationship that she has not had the same epiphany?

Please get counseling. You have a lot to discover.

txhunter54

"Please get counseling. You have a lot to discover."

Sounds like a pat answer.

I was diagnosed T2 diabetic. Through meds, eating properly, working out at the gym and cardio, my blood sugar is under control. I've seen the benefits. She's also seen the benefits. But, doesn't choose to do it herself. Yes, it's frustrating. What's to discover?

SimplyAmorous

What are her interests, have you tried to incorporate yourself into her hobbies as a start?

Does she have any resentment towards you? Is she depressed?

Sometimes in marraige, spouses become almost "numb" after awhile, after wanting something /expecting and getting little to nothing in return. Just as you are starting to Hurt -even resent the lack of Affection & Sex.


Can you elaborate on what you may have done, or not done to lead to this place -with your wife? Please do not take these questions personally, the asking, it is just to help with the roots of the possible why's & where to go, how to get back on track, if you can do this yourself. She may need something more to get her motivated. More from your end, any thoughts. ??

Congratulations on getting the Type 2 under control !

Susan2010

It's wonderful you were prompted to discover the benefits of changing your lifestyle and eating habits, but that your discovery causes a problem in your marriage is.....a problem - something that just a few months ago meant no more to you than it means to your wife. Now you want to judge her that she doesn't have the same revelation. The fact itself is not a problem. That you make an issue of it is the problem. In other words, you, not your wife, are the reason this is "another factor affecting our relationship".

I don't know what a "pat answer" is, but there are many reasons a woman loses desire for sex. Some don't lose desire for sex but lose desire for their husband. Again, there could be any number of reasons for that. One that often applies is built up resentment for her husband's behavior and the way he treats her. If the health and fitness issue is any indication, you may discover in counseling that you are the reason your wife no longer has intimate feelings towards you. In the instance of the health and fitness issue, it would be nice if your wife and everyone on earth made the same discovery you suddenly made. She didn't, so you make it a point of contention between you. You turn it into something that affects your relationship. She might not appreciate being judged and might not appreciate you forcing your new-found opinion on her and resents it. Using this issue as an indicator, she has more reasons for her resentment. It isn't likely this behavior is new with you.

txhunter54

Her main interest is quilting. She could do it 24/7. She is great at it. But, it's not my idea of fun at all. I'll give her input on patterns and fabrics and compliment her on her quilts.

Susan, I haven't forced working out or my other hobbies on her. I've asked her if she wants to come along and join in. She declines. I prepare my meals to stay on my eating program. She prepares her meals which typically don't fit into my eating program. You keep using the word "discovery". Being diagnosed with a disease isn't really a discovery. Learning to eat healthy and workout isn't a discovery. It's a lifestyle choice. Let the disease win or fight. I chose to fight.

I as diagnosed with T2 diabetes in Jan 2009. It only took about 4 months to get it under control. I'm lucky in that regard. Could the period of undiagnosed diabetes have affected our relationship? Definitely. I didn't think I felt bad. But, I wasn't healthy. High blood glucose can and does affect moods. Getting healthy after being sick helps you to better understand your body's needs both physically and mentally. Making good food choices helps me to stay healthy. Avoiding the blood glucose spikes helps me mentally and physically.

Being healthy physically and mentally allows me to see more clearly what is missing in our relationship. Could she be depressed? That is a definite possibility. The kids are out of the house and in college. She is on blood pressure medicine and frequently comes home from work and says she is tired and has a headache. So, that is a signal to me to steer clear.

txhunter54

I think I've been turned down by my wife with her using all the typical excuses: I'm tired, I'm reading my book, I'm watching my show, I'm sewing, it's that time of the month, it's too cold in here (winter), it's too warm in here (summer), i'd get sweaty, I have a headache, etc. The constant rejection made me not want to even try. We've had recent events in the last couple of years that I would have thought might get her excited. (buy new house, finish a significant remodeling, anniversaries, etc.) I buy her flowers periodically too. She says she likes them and says they are beautiful. But, nothing else.

She recently had a birthday. I had a hard time picking out a card because of the current state of our relationship. I asked her what she might like for her birthday and she said that she hadn't really thought about it. It's very frustrating.

When she is with our friends or her friends, she carries on like everything is normal and happy. We'll have a good time with friends and then I would hope the good times would carry over to later. We had friends over last night. I did the bbqing and she handled the other food. Played board games and had a good time. Then, she stayed up to watch tv and came to bed late. By that time, I was asleep.

I don't think she has picked up the book I gave her and read any of it yet. Somewhat understandable given the holiday weekend.

MEM11363

The Rosetta stone.

Tex,
On any given night each of us is in one of 3 sexual states:
- ON
- Neutral
- OFF (exhausted, truly upset about a specific event, angry/resentful at our partner about something tangible)

I found a LONG time ago that the key for a high drive, low drive couple is to get the low drive partner to teach you how to get them from neutral to warm to ON.

For many people a nice full body massage that "slowly" becomes more erotic works like magic. But the thing is the low drive spouse MUST acknowledge that they are responsible for making the EFFORT to make their partner happy.

BorrowedHalo

Ok, I'm a wife and I have a husband who probably thinks about the same as you do. In fact, he's in bed sleeping now. I wanted to tell you a little from my perspective.

First thing...EVERY girlfriend of mine who is a mother and wife tells me the same thing. We talk about it for hours. If we never did "it" again it wouldn't bother us. In fact, we worry that if something happened and we COULDN'T, that you would leave us because you make it sound like something you can't live without.

Second thing...the birth control/monthly cycle problems. Sometimes my husband acts like I'm using that as an excuse. Let me tell you, without being too graphic, we women find it to be FAR more inconvenient than you will ever know. Imagine being in the middle of grocery shopping and suddenly having to go to the sanitary items, buy something and use the bathroom because you have suddenly realized you were in trouble....Add kids! It's a blast. Personally, I have been trying to find something that works well for birth control and to lessen those monthly issues. So I tried Seasonique. You're supposed to only get your cycle once every three months. Well, today is July 5. I got some "spotting" that started on June 20th and hasn't stopped yet. I am NOT at the end of the 3 months. So now what do I do? BTW, it's disgusting! I definitely don't feel sexy! I'm thinking, "Do I call the doctor? Wait it out? Is there something wrong? Why is this not working?" All this, and I'm supposed to be worried that my husband isn't getting enough sex???!!

That brings about the third thing. I have spent nights crying and wondering what is wrong with me. I KNOW I have no desire. I'm SORRY. I don't know where to get desire! Yes, when my husband tries to hug me or kiss me, I shy away. Because he will think that a quick hug means we can go jump into bed right now. Also, he has a terrible sense of timing. When kids are asking questions, I'm making dinner and I've just broken a glass...it's not a good time! Yes, I'm exaggerating, but I swear sometimes I'm stymied.

Here's a little something to think about too. I have had 3 natural childbirths. Not too long ago I read an article that talked about hollywood women getting surgery to "tighten up the muscles" down there. Maybe it's just not the same for us as it used to be.

So, there you go. My first post. What a rep I'll have! Just know this: there is no book, no therapy that is going to bring it back. I love when my husband does the dishes or brings me flowers, but I NEVER, EVER, EVER think, "We should have sex." It is something that just doesn't ever come into my mind, except that I worry about keeping the peace and know that I have to deal with it now and then.

~K

okeydokie

first off welcome and thank you for your complete honesty. have you conveyed all of this to your husband? that in itself might help him deal with what he is likely already viewing as a disfunctional marriage. while your reasons for not wanting sex are valid to you, you have basically just stated it is you that is the problem. i think most women would acknowledge that a healthy sex life is key to a happy marriage, no less than emotional connection and communication. both parties need to feel fulfilled.

feeling like you have to "deal" with it is only pity sex, he knows that.

txhunter54

She hasn't read any of the book yet. More of the same. She said, "I love you" as I headed off to work. I said, "I love you too".

It's almost like she doesn't want to acknowledge we have problems.
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txhunter54

I'm going to tell her that we need to seek counseling.
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BorrowedHalo

I just don't think it's a problem. I think it's normal. All our lives we have been told that it's supposed to "peak" in our 30's. Well, I've lived for 8 of those years and I'm still waiting. Then, we're given a ton of media BS like "Desperate Housewives" which lead us to believe that 30-something women are sex-starved. But, in real life, it's not like that.

I have asked my OB/GYN and guess what she said? She said, "I hear that from most women."

I have friends who have gone to counselling. If you think it will help, go ahead; but I will tell you what they will tell you. The counselor will say that you have to bring her flowers, do the dishes, take out the trash, listen to her, validate her feelings. These things will make her feel closer to you and then she will want to do it all the time. So, then you will do all of this and you will expect her to want it. Then, if she DOESN'T want it she will feel like something is wrong with her and she should do it because you did what you were supposed to do. Do you see where that is a vicious cycle?

Maybe instead of expecting her to do it/want it more, you should see if you can find something to make you never want it like she does. Why is it fair to assume that she needs to change?

~K

txhunter54

So, I should accept a marriage without intimacy and sex? Find something to never want it like she doesn't want it? Got any suggestions? I have no idea what you are trying to say here. If I wanted celibacy, I could have gone in the priesthood.

I'm starved for affection.
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