Sexual Blackmail?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-09-2010, 11:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Sexual Blackmail?

I have been with my husband for close to 12 yrs, married for 6, he usually has a very high sex drive. After we had our third child(7 yrs ago), my libido went way down. I suffer from depression and anxiety disorders so at the time I was on meds for them, and had during this time gained about 50lbs. So, up until about 2mos ago he was the aggressor. I had absolutely no sex drive, none! If he initiated, he could get me turned on and willing, if I allowed him to. We did sometimes go up to 3 weeks without having sex, and I admit that is a long time.
I have recently lost 50lbs, so naturally I feel more confident than before and it has helped with my depression. My sex drive came back and he loved having the "*****" back, lately though he hasn't wanted any! The last time I initiated he says "if you give me head, then we'll have sex"! What the hell is that? He knows that I rarely enjoy giving head! Needless to say, I rolled over and went to sleep.
Also, in the past 2 mos or so, I have noticed he has started deleting all his text messages from 3 women he works with! Now, I am not the jealous type, so why delete them unless there is something damaging in them? He knows that I see the bill and pay it, so I know that they have had communication, I haven't questioned him about this. (Because if something is going on I don't want him to get better at hiding it!)
He is also having some mood swings, bad ones, even his family has noticed. He has been taking vicodin (unprescribed) for his gout. Possibly he could be getting addicted, I'm not sure!
There is also a possibility that he is just trying to pay me back for the years of turning down sex, which is uncharacteristic of him. Hubby has had a very ****y attitude toward sex with me as well, very unusual!!
Is he having an affair, addicted to meds, using sexual blackmail, or something else? I am at my wits end! Any input would be appreciated!
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Old 07-09-2010, 12:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual Blackmail?

Let me add, he has always loved to give oral, lately he hasn't been doing that either. I have checked and I am very hygenic, I have no infections, nothing there has changed. He is a heavy man, I was heavy but am now more of an average weight. When I was heavier he couldn't get enough, could my weight loss be effecting him?
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Old 07-09-2010, 02:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual Blackmail?

It seems like his desire for you decreased after the weight gain and his interest has been placed elsewhere. Now that you're closer to your old self, he has already checked out. I'd say that if he is deleting texts from women then it's something I'd be concerned about. Granted they could be harmless, but it seems unlikely.

Have you asked him how he feels about you now? Is he generally an honest person?
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Old 07-09-2010, 05:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear what is happening. Congradulations on the weight loss though. As far as getting back by turning you down when you want it because of the times it happened to him. I couldn't imagine many guys going through with it. I have often thought about doing it to my wife for turning me down so many times over the years. But I have never been able to turn down sex knowing she wants it. Knowing she wants me makes me want her even more!
My wife has a male "friend" she works with too and it almost ruined our marriage. I think most people have a difficult time being close friends with the opposite sex without it ever getting physical. And this is even more so when there are issues in either both or one of their marriages. Both my wife and her coworker had things that they were unhappy about in their marriage(unfortunatly I was unaware of her unhappiness at the time). That common ground and along with the physical attraction was a receipe for desaster.
Have you met these women? If not ask if you could. If they are truely just friends he should not have a problem with all of you going out or whatever. If he refuses it may mean trouble. If the friendship is out in the open I think it is less likely things will happen.
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Old 07-10-2010, 09:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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It seems that my weight gain had never effected him, he wanted more sex when I was bigger. I lost the weight and he loved it at first, there is a whole lot more attention coming my way, the past few weeks have been different. He is generally an honest and secure (in our relationship) person.
I have met all of these women, they were all at our wedding 6 yrs ago! One of them is my cousin! She has no sense of loyalty to anyone but herself, so asking her about it would yield no results, and tip him off....I tried talking to him about it yesterday, he says he just doesn't know what is wrong with him lately. He did, however, admit liking the "chase" I gave him, even though most of the time he ended up frustrated! We have been spending a lot of time together alone, which is unusual our kids are always right there with us. That satisfies my need for intimacy, but it normally wouldn't satisfy his, he's more of a physically intimate person.
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Old 07-10-2010, 09:23 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual Blackmail?

Do you think that he could be jealous of your weight loss or maybe the new attention?
Maybe he is talking to these other women because he likes the chase. What did you ask him that made him say he doesn't know what's wrong?
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Old 07-10-2010, 09:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Firstly, congratulations on the weight loss. Very well done.

Re the deleted texts, like you, I would be concerned but I'm afraid I have no advice but to say keep being vigilent.

I read somewhere on TAM one time where a man said most men cannot withhold from having sex with their partners even if they want to as their higher sex drive leads them to cave in much quicker than a woman would do. I'm not sure how long your husband has been holding out on sex but maybe you could investigate whether the meds he is taking for the gout can affect sex drive and/or performance. Also what age is he - his overweight and age could be factors if he has a lack of desire and in turn this would help him hold out longer if he has resentment at you for not wanting to have sex in the past.

On the oral blackmail - there has to be give and take and there are always going to be things that one person likes to have done to them that the other does not particularly like to do and IS or IS NOT prepared to do. Not that this is the case with your husband but sometimes people engage in blackmail without consciously deciding to go down this road. For example what if a wife has explained to her husband what she wants/needs sexually to orgasm but he consistently "forgets" and neglects to do these things 90% of the time they have sex. Would it be seen as blackmail if half way through love making she lost interest and stopped participating resulting in neither partner reaching orgasm and repeats for several sex sessions. In a nutshell, without verbalising any "blackmail" she has effectively elected not to keep meeting his needs if he is not prepared to at least make a good attempt at meeting her needs.

Is this okay for her to stop participating mid way through a sex session as she has genuinely lost interest or is it an "acceptable" and understandable form of unconscious blackmail on her part or just plain unacceptable?

I'm assuming that when you gave oral in the past there was no blackmail involved. Playing devil's advocate here, there needs to be give and take on both sides and I'm wondering if your husband had not be so blatant as to SAY to you if you don't do x, I won't do y, you might have eventually, of your own volition knowing that he enjoyed oral, performed oral on him in the hope that it might lead to the specific sex you desire. In other words you would still be prepared to perform oral as you have done in the past, if he hadn't tried to blackmail you into it and had used a "carrot" rather than "stick" approach instead and would have been glad if your giving oral led to you getting what you wanted also.

So, if you should agree with my thinking, where does that leave you on the blackmail front. I would say pick a good moment and tell him gently but firmly that in future if he desires something sexually he should simply state "I would like ......." end of story. Then calmly but clearly explain that you won't be blackmailed by anybody into doing anything but that you are prepared to forgive and forget the oral blackmail incident.

Hopefully he'll have realised by now that his blackmail attempt has backfired on him as since then he has not received any oral at all. With a bit of luck, he might even offer some sort or apology but either way, completely in your own time, give some oral if/when you feel it's right as if the blackmail had never happened and take it from there. Let me know if you agree with the above and if you feel it's do-able or otherwise for you.
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Old 07-10-2010, 09:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm not sure jealous is the right word, maybe insecure. But normally, that would make him want me more.
We were spending some time alone in the pool, having a drink, and he gave me a little butt squeeze. Which led to the conversation, originally he said he wanted me to feel the way he felt when I turned him down! Then backed off of that, saying it was just a joke. He knows that my medical issues had a lot to do with that, and there wasn't much I could do about it, except to suck it up and take one for the team. He then tried to explain away the lack of oral, saying it was the lube that we used (when I go swimming I tend to need it). He's just being very "different" lately...
I still haven't asked him about the texts though, leaving that one for a well placed conversation.
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Old 07-10-2010, 10:01 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Honestly I can understand the wanting to make you feel like he felt when he was turned down. I've wanted to turn my wife down but if it's the first time in 20 days it's difficult. It's very hurtful to be denied intimacy because for me I feel connected when we are intimate. However, I do know that it would be wrong for me to do it and I have never denied her.

My honest opinion is that if he had a high drive before or really desired you then there is a reason that he doesn't feel that way anymore. I love my wife and I have a very high sex drive. My desire has decreased but it is because of the way that she treats me. So there is absolutely a reason.

His reason may not be that he is actually physically with someone else, but that he lost interest some time ago. I'm willing to bet that someone or something has gained it. You said that he is more of a physically intimate person, as am I. And I'm certain that if I started denying my wife that she would conclude that something is definately wrong. Especially if my different actions were coupled with deleted mystery texts.
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Old 07-10-2010, 10:04 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks Pulse for the reply...he knows me better than anyone else has ever known me, and that "if you give me oral I'll give you sex" would piss me off for a very long time...I always get my "cookie", we are mutual in that, he is definitely going to get his. The hubby absolutely LOVES to give oral, it turns him on more than anything else..which is why I am so concerned! WHEN we have sex it is always great, and lately I have been more inclined to give oral, dare I say enjoy it! I have a horrible gag reflex, which I would think would turn him off, but apparently not..lol It's not as if when we first got together that I gave him oral all the time, I didn't. He has been getting more of it now than ever before....See my dilemma, I am giving him more of what he enjoys, but he is still withdrawing slowly but surely from "us".
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Old 07-10-2010, 10:22 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Sorry, I wasn't avoiding the age question...he is 35 and I 36. He has been on his gout meds for almost a year, he has no performance issues. Just turning me down, which I haven't been really pushy either, I refuse to beg for it. I did mention that I had toys, we generally use them together, he "jokingly" says that he will throw them out, my reply being that he may want to break my hands too. So, he doesn't want any, and doesn't want me to have any either? When I was going through my dry spell, it didn't bother me in the least that he pleasured himself or watched porn. I enjoy porn myself, so that is not an issue, he hasn't been watching it the way he used to either.....
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Old 07-10-2010, 01:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by housefullofmen View Post
Thanks Pulse for the reply...he knows me better than anyone else has ever known me, and that "if you give me oral I'll give you sex" would piss me off for a very long time...I always get my "cookie", we are mutual in that, he is definitely going to get his. The hubby absolutely LOVES to give oral, it turns him on more than anything else..which is why I am so concerned! WHEN we have sex it is always great, and lately I have been more inclined to give oral, dare I say enjoy it! I have a horrible gag reflex, which I would think would turn him off, but apparently not..lol It's not as if when we first got together that I gave him oral all the time, I didn't. He has been getting more of it now than ever before....See my dilemma, I am giving him more of what he enjoys, but he is still withdrawing slowly but surely from "us".
So his age shouldn't be a problem and given what you say above I'm wondering if it the meds he's taking or, sorry to say, an affair. Have you/can you directly ask him "why aren't you interested in sex with me anymore like you used to be?"
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Old 07-10-2010, 01:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by housefullofmen View Post
Hubby has had a very ****y attitude toward sex with me as well, very unusual!!
sorry but I don't know what this means
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Old 07-10-2010, 01:53 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I tried to say c o c k y...lol He normally isn't that way, expecting something or making demands. I have asked him, he says he doesn't know what the problem is. I hope he isn't having an affair, that would absolutely kill me..he IS the love of my life. My first thought was an affair, then maybe pain meds, then insecurity.....my mind just races with possibilities. I am currently trying to find ways to "spy" on him when I am not around..just to see what is going on. I plan to stop by work unannounced for lunch next week and gauge his reaction.
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Old 07-10-2010, 02:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Spy has such a negative connotation to it. But I know what you mean. An unannounced visit to work for lunch should be welcomed. Affair encompasses so many things. Like I said, it may not be physical, but I would certainly say that his attention and effort are elsewhere. I agree with Pulse and think that you should be direct and ask him why he is no longer interested.
Maybe you guys sit down and decide that you're going to have an open discussion and are not allowed to react. Anything can be put on the table and the other person cannot blow up. You each must allow the other to complete their thought before you answer. We have done this and it has been very effective. There have been some very hurtful things said, but in the end the truth comes out.
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