Still no sex...I'm getting upset.
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-12-2010, 03:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

I had posted a couple of weeks ago that my husband has zero desire in having sex. I have tried everything, so finally I took everyone's advice and laid off. Its been another 3 weeks and still no sex. How long is someone supposed to wait?? I confronted him again about it last night and he told me "as we get older we won't always be having sex". He isn't even 30 yet, I think there is something wrong. I'm heart broken and I don't know how I'm supposed to just let go of the idea of having sex with him. I want him so much, I'm very attracted to him and I love him. Our relationship outside of the sex issue is great, we cuddle all the time, but it never goes past that. He doesn't seem to get hard when we touch ever either, and he always use to. He is always worried about his job but even on the weekends he doesn't relax. I went through his cell phone and computer and he had been looking at lingerie models but no porn. What could make a man not want sex at all? Is it just that he isn't attracted to me, I think he still loves me. I don't think he is cheating, he doesn't even have the time. I'm so hurt, and I feel very rejected.
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Old 07-12-2010, 05:30 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

I'm very sorry to hear about what's going on. The first thing that I'm thinking is that if you're saying he doesn't even get hard that maybe he is having some physical issues. How is his health? Is he on medication? Also do you think he may have erectile disfunction?

Aside from that, how stressed is he? People deal with stress in different ways. If he is really worried about work and such, then he may not be feeling like the man that he used to be. Is he the sole source of income in the house?

I'd say that if none of these things apply to your situation, then you should sit down with him and have a very straightforward Q&A with him. He may tell you something that you didn't know.
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Old 07-12-2010, 05:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

At first, I thought it might be due to you gaining weight or looking different, but your other post says you look the same. Usually people suggest not initiating sex or any kind of intimacy for a while, but you've done that and it's not working. Now, I suggest he gets his testosterone levels checked. Hope everything works out for you!
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Old 07-12-2010, 07:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

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Originally Posted by Mrslovingwife View Post
I confronted him again about it last night and he told me "as we get older we won't always be having sex". He isn't even 30 yet, I think there is something wrong.
He is too young to be thinking like that. I have 20 years on him and I don't think that way.

Either there is something physically wrong (diabetes, low testosterone, etc.) or he has some kind of mental issue or sexual identity issue.

He owes you an explanation. If he cannot explain it, he should get a physical.

In either case he should be empathetic to your sense of deprivation.

If he is not, that is a problem.

Waiting any more time will be useless.
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

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"as we get older we won't always be having sex".
You know. . .there are honestly people out there who think like that. That psychology is out there. I can recall my stb-x telling me once, when fighting about sex, "That's not why you get married, you know!!!"

No. . .I didn't buy my house for their bathrooms either but I'd be pretty darn p***ed if you took them away from me.

Some people see marriage as. . .I don't know. . .something else. . .a means to something else - building wealth, child-rearing, home-building, etc. Kinda like a business partnership with some mild affection. It's not about mating, or hardly at all about that.

It's fine if you are matched up with someone who agrees. . .like sex is a 1x/month cleaning out of the pipes or something and I don't want to presume too much from afar here but this could be a terrible mismatch in values on marriage. He sees marriage as a means to something else and wants to be like Grandpa and Grandma right away.

That's what marriage evolves into. . .not what it should begin as.

Sorry. . .that's my opinion.

I posted a thread awhile back that got little response but I was wondering if churches discussed this at all in Pre-Cana and Pre-Marital classes. . .like. . .

"Hey, you engaged knuckleheads. . .you are getting married. . .you are supposed to be f***ing. . .in case you didn't know." Maybe some fiancee's would get up and walk out at that point and save a lot of people a lot of heartache.

No, the cure for this isn't to "back off". . .I am not sure where the forum here is being fed this advice. . .some books or challenge or something. Maybe if it's a power struggle of some kind, yeah, sure. . .back off. . .but there's an old saying:

Patience is a virture. Lots of patience is unambition, which is a vice.

I think you need to have a serious talk about the values in your marriage and you place "your healths" out there on the table as a top priority/value. . .here is a link you print out for him:

http://static.oprah.com/download/pdf..._checklist.pdf

And if Dr. Oz says monogamous sex 2-3X/week is necessary for your health. . .well, it must be true because he is the Great Oz after all.
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

I am in the same boat, except I am a husband. We haven't had any sex for over 18 months. Been together 20 yrs and I have always had to initate any kind of phyisical contact, holding hands, hugging, kissing everything. I have tried everything, from making a nice romantic dinner for two (with all the extras). Many times I have drawn a hot bath with candles for her when she comes home from work. I have tried everything I can think of, so I decided I have had enough trying, that was 18 months ago. Things are not well, its not all about sex, its about passion, love, holding someone, or walking by and just being in physical contact. I am worried about my kids how Mom never shows affection to me, ever. I am not a needy person but after 20 yrs I am really drained.......I am sorry this is the first time admitting this stuff..I feel very very guilty too.
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Old 07-13-2010, 10:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

Crushedsoul, I understand where you are coming from. I'm working on communication. But, communication isn't enough. Your wife needs to understand your needs and respond accordingly. Word without corresponding actions only reinforce your frustrations.
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Old 07-13-2010, 11:33 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

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I am in the same boat, except I am a husband. We haven't had any sex for over 18 months. Been together 20 yrs and I have always had to initate any kind of phyisical contact, holding hands, hugging, kissing everything. I have tried everything, from making a nice romantic dinner for two (with all the extras). Many times I have drawn a hot bath with candles for her when she comes home from work. I have tried everything I can think of, so I decided I have had enough trying, that was 18 months ago. Things are not well, its not all about sex, its about passion, love, holding someone, or walking by and just being in physical contact. I am worried about my kids how Mom never shows affection to me, ever. I am not a needy person but after 20 yrs I am really drained.......I am sorry this is the first time admitting this stuff..I feel very very guilty too.

I totally feel your pain. It really is about the passion and love. I know my husband loves me, would do anything for me but yet I don't feel loved. I feel more like a roommate and good friend than a wife or lover. I talked to him again last night and we have a good conversation. He says he thinks I'm beautiful and that he knows he is failing me. He says he is very stressed because of his job and being stuck there due the economy. He also said he feels like he can't preform because his mind is wandering. I told him I think he should see the dr, and he hesitantly agreed. I'm really hoping he will go. We are only married 18 months and I just can't give up on sex and intimacy. I'm 26 years old and can't seeing going another hopefully 30 years without sex. I feel like I'm breaking into a million pieces, like I'm living this lie. Our marriage is amazing but we can't be intimate and I can't get use to that.
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Old 07-13-2010, 11:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

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Originally Posted by Mrslovingwife View Post
He says he thinks I'm beautiful and that he knows he is failing me. He says he is very stressed because of his job and being stuck there due the economy. He also said he feels like he can't preform because his mind is wandering. I told him I think he should see the dr, and he hesitantly agreed.
These are the same lines i got from my H for years, too- still get them on occasion. I've come up with about a million solutions for my H's lack of interest in me (porn, work, stress, etc) and oddly enough every single one of them has been right, but in the end ultimately deceptive. Stop listening to what your H says. Stop talking about the sex issue. I know that seems completely backwards from "good communication." But 90% of communication is non-verbal. He's talking to you constantly about the sex issue. Listen to what he does. Has he done anything to increase his perceived low libido? anything? what do you think that means?

The bottom line is if he was attracted to you he would come on to you. If he even wanted to come on to you he would do something. He's done nothing. Does that make sense? Not only does he have a low-libido, he also has a low i-want-to-come-on-to-her drive. he has no desire to even want to come on to you. It is that simple. it is in accepting the simplicity that you will deal with the real problem. you are not what he see's as a means to his sexual needs. Scannerguard put it very well- your H see's you as something different, but not something sexual.
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Old 07-13-2010, 11:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

I am in the same boat, although I am fully aware of my husband's reasons. He is the only one working at the time, he works two jobs and does a lot of side work as well. Financial stress and fatigue are a big reason. Also, he says that with his previous marriage, he got used to never having sex, that it became less of a big deal. He doesn't feel like he needs to have sex to show that he loves me... I beg to differ! It's about 2 weeks in between, but that isn't good enough for me. I sometimes think I'm the dude in our relationship when it comes to things like this...
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Old 07-13-2010, 11:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

I know for me I have been denied sex so long that now I feel it is not worth the effort. No passion any more and for me that is key! I need the passion. Wish I could help you some how, I truly know your pain.
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Old 07-14-2010, 08:40 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I actually asked her a couple of weeks ago if she is getting support from someone else. I mean I gave up trying 18 months ago and nothing, she hasn't even told me she loves me, because I was ALWAYS the one to say it, show etc. So after I asked her she got angry and said she was insulted. I was at a loss to what to say so I said sorry and haven't spoken about it since. I don't get it, I really dont'. I just wish she would say she doesn't love me anymore or something...some sort of response. Instead I get nothing...roomates. I feel numb, or what do I feel I really don't know.
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Old 07-14-2010, 09:11 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

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Scannerguard put it very well- your H see's you as something different, but not something sexual.
No, Blanca. . .you put it better than me actually, thank you.

I just think you personalized it a bit (and maybe it needs to be. . .but maybe it doesn't).

I was more saying that a lot of women and men see marriage as an institution with a different mission statement. I am making the statement "un-personal" because maybe MrsLovingWife is a sexual person (sounds like it).

To some, the Mission Statement of Marriage is:

"To be the objects of each other's affection and to provide each other with sexual fulfillment, mating and release."

To others, the Mission Statement of Marriage is:

"To raise a family, to build wealth, to create a safe home from the cruel world and share enrichening experiences."

Of course, the mission of marriage should be a conglomeration of all of these. . .but this probably explains partially why, when a spouse loses a job, or goes into debt, or whatever, why marriage comes unraveled. The wife of the unemployed husband or the husband of the credit-card happy wife feels like the partner has abandoned the mission statement. Some couples though can totally live hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck, and be totally happy though and sexually connected. We all probably know people like that - you look at them and they don't have a pot to pee in but they are generally happy and just go thru financial crisis after financial crisis, merrily having sex the whole way. In a way I am jealous of couples like that.

It's about being on the same page and that statement, "we won't be having sex much as we get older" which you committed to memory (and I would too, just like my stb-x's statement of "Having sex is not why you get married!") is very telling IMO and doesn't bode well.

IMO, you have communicated and crap, I'm sorry. . .but it wasn't what you wanted to hear but he communicated.

Of course, there is a lot of limited information here and yes, it's possible to be soooooo tired that you just can't have sex. . .but for guys, that's a lame excuse. There's always time for bad sex anyway, LOL (a guy quickie).

I'm telling you - having been there, done that and having the t-shirt "I was in a Sexless Marriage in NJ". . .it really may be best to explore cutting your losses as he may not be a sexual person at all. The thing is, for him, there are 1000's of women out there who want a sexless marriage and 1000's of guys out there for you who want a sexual marriage.

People can change but it's rare.

Good luck.

PS: The thought to add to this is. . .and this is the weird part. . .your husband may get "sexual" with another partner and you'd be like WTF? That happened to me. . .when I discovered my neglectful wife becoming intimate with another guy immediately after I left her, I was crushed as I wanted that so bad. But. . .I can kind of understand. . .she's under the illusion he is stable, he could be a "sugar daddy", he's "more mature" (he is physically 5 years older and who knows. . .maybe emotionally more mature) and that's what made her spread her legs and become sexual. That's what's complicated about sexuality and the "mating game" - it's not just a matter of some people are asexual and some people are sexual. You may find that for your husband, another set of circumstances activates his sexuality (porn, other woman, etc) and trust me, you'll be crushed. I hope you actually find it for the sake of your marriage. . .but I guess my advice is just don't go nuts and don't internalize/personalize it.

It really shouldnt' be like the Quest for the Holy Grail, you know. And one thing doesn't have to do with the other.

I am getting to the point where I just wish my stb-x and her boyfriend all the best, am glad he's taking an interest in helping raise my children and seems to be a nice guy in that regard, and she has someone to take care of her and help her because I just can't.

Last edited by Scannerguard; 07-14-2010 at 09:23 AM. Reason: Additional thought
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Old 07-14-2010, 11:20 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

This post below, or anger/resentment, or physical health issue... IN THIS ORDER OF LIKELIHOOD

Good luck

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blanca View Post
These are the same lines i got from my H for years, too- still get them on occasion. I've come up with about a million solutions for my H's lack of interest in me (porn, work, stress, etc) and oddly enough every single one of them has been right, but in the end ultimately deceptive. Stop listening to what your H says. Stop talking about the sex issue. I know that seems completely backwards from "good communication." But 90% of communication is non-verbal. He's talking to you constantly about the sex issue. Listen to what he does. Has he done anything to increase his perceived low libido? anything? what do you think that means?

The bottom line is if he was attracted to you he would come on to you. If he even wanted to come on to you he would do something. He's done nothing. Does that make sense? Not only does he have a low-libido, he also has a low i-want-to-come-on-to-her drive. he has no desire to even want to come on to you. It is that simple. it is in accepting the simplicity that you will deal with the real problem. you are not what he see's as a means to his sexual needs. Scannerguard put it very well- your H see's you as something different, but not something sexual.
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Old 07-14-2010, 01:22 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still no sex...I'm getting upset.

I don't know what happened but H came home from work yesterday and we actually had sex twice (he initiated both times) After the second time was over he opened up to me. Told me he felt like he had been a bad H and didn't want me to feel unloved that he is just having a hard time focusing on anything but his job. He said I made him realize that he was neglecting me and our marriage. Who know if we'll go back to no sex for another month or maybe he really does want to change things between us. I'm just so happy because I missed him so much and it was amazing!
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