[BorrowedHalo]

Ok, here it is. I have realized/truly admitted to myself that I don't really LIKE my husband. But here's the rub. Who couldn't make a list of things that bother them about their spouse?

I know it's not fair to say, "You do a lot of things right, but I don't want to do anything in the bedroom, so it must be your fault. Let's take a look at what you do wrong."

So, that said, I have realized that some of the things he has done/does are bigger than I have previously admitted. Also, please believe me when I say that I believe with every fiber of my being that I am NOT withholding sex as punishment or even consciously. Let me explain to you all "who" my husband is. And, for the record, I plan to talk to him about it.

1. He hates people. He used to be a very social person. He can be very likable when he wants to be. However, nowadays he pretty much thinks that no one is as smart/good/innovative/whatever as he is. He has no friends and has no desire to make new ones. As a result, I am completely isolated. I have been a SHM for 12 years and recently finished my degree for teaching (more on that further down). I have no way to really meet people, except through him. He makes as little effort as possible and when he does make even the slightest effort, he expects that he will get sex.

In case anyone thinks I'm exaggerating, let me tell you about a recent evening. He has a friend who is in a band. He told me, early in the day, "Oh, did I forget to tell you? I was planning to take you to see Casey's band tonight." Well, since we very VERY rarely go out, I was thrilled. I was thinking about doing my hair and makeup and what I would wear, etc. (Our kids are teens, so we don't have to worry about childcare, we just don't go out b/c HE doesn't want to.)

So, at around 9pm we went and there were 13 people in the bar. His friend (co-worker) is younger than us; so I was really surprised at the horrible music. It was really OLD music. I felt like I was too young to be there. We didn't talk to anyone (there was no one TO talk to). We stayed for a couple of drinks and went home. We stayed up for a while longer and then went to bed. Since it's been hot, I didn't wear my usual sweats. He started to "initiate" something. I was like, "What are you doing?" I had to explain that there was a roadblock in that plan. He was like, "Are you kidding?!" Like I planned it!

I miss people. Even when we are around people, he does things like nudge my foot or squeeze my hand/arm to remind me not to "embarrass" him. He doesn't say that, but it's what he means. If I look at him, he'll shake his head subtly to let me know that I'm talking too loudly/too much/about something wrong/whatever. This has made me feel like I am a social idiot, so I'm not comfortable going out WITHOUT him, but I don't want to go with him either.

#2 He loves money. More than even sex. I asked him once, if he could have all the sex he wanted or all the money he wanted, which he would choose. He chose money. He has unrealistic expectations about how much money it takes to run a household. Many people have told me to let him do all the shopping, thinking that he would learn. The problem is that he COULD do everything for the amount that he expects. He would buy ONLY what was needed and he would buy the cheapest brand of each item. He would shop for a couple of days' worth of items at a time and he would (he always tells me to do this), keep track of how much I'm spending and stop when I got to the end of the budget. He also expects me to only buy what was on the list...leaving things that I knew we needed, because they weren't budgeted for.

This love of money has caused him to ruin otherwise fun outings. He is not allowed to ever see another movie after (thinking he was being charming and funny) he ranted about how much it cost in front of everyone.

When my oldest children were younger, we got a babysitter and went Christmas shopping at Walmart. As we walked in, he asked where we should start. I suggested toys. He ranted that the grandparents, aunts and uncles were going to get them "so much". He hadn't planned on buying them presents! And, speaking of which, he waits until the last minute to buy for people in his family.

My children, now teens, don't LIKE for him to come with us, or even be around, because he's so unreasonable. And I am constantly "in trouble" for spending too much money. Mind you, we live in a smaller city and do not even have access to a mall. I spend too much money in gas and walmart (this includes groceries)--that's it. Those are the only two places I go.

#3 He farts. I know guys do. But, my husband does it more than other husbands. I'm convinced of it because there is no way that it can be normal to fart 5 times in 15 minutes. I decided one night to count. I was going to go a whole hour, but he was only with me for 15 minutes. Once every three minutes? Come on. It's a turn off.

#4 He hasn't kissed me in years, except as a last-ditch effort to maybe get some tonight. When things have been really bad, I would have given anything to hear, "Everything is going to be ok." He couldn't say that. He never tells me I'm pretty. My SON had to be the one to tell me that, as far as moms go, I'm fairly average. This was actually what I needed to hear. I needed to know that I'm not the fat, ugly mom. Instead, my H is critical of what I'm wearing when I sub-teach. Apparently, I picked the wrong look at Walmart!

#5 He thinks I'm an idiot. He will deny this strongly, but his actions prove that he thinks I'm an idiot. Most of the time, it centers around money again. Like acting like we aren't going to have enough money to pay the bills this month; but I look and we have a couple of paychecks worth in the savings. So, I feel like I have to hide the $25 bill from "Highlights" magazine that I agreed to get for my son, because I'm afraid our electric bill won't get paid. Other times, it's things like telling me his alcoholic brother is "having stomach problems" instead of "drunk".

#6 I finished my Bachelor's of Science in Elementary Education in April. He has barely acknowledged it. I had talked all during school about going to Italy as a graduation present. That was conveniently forgotten. I know times are tough, so I can deal with putting Italy off. I would have liked to have had a party, though. I didn't even get a card. The irony is, what do people mostly give graduates?

These are some of the things I was thinking of. I DO resent him. I resent that the US Army took my husband to Iraq and sent this THING back home to me. We can't get counseling unless the "veteran initiates it". Well, I doubt he will ever do that. I will stay married until my kids are out of the house, but after that, I don't know what will keep us together. We have nothing in common anymore.

[MEM11363]

BH,
This truly is an incredible post. Hats off to you for being both honest AND fair. All of this is bad - but some of it is literally painful to read. As a man - hell - I am speechless. I don't know how you get yourself to have sex with him.

What would he do if you printed this and showed it to him?

Originally Posted by BorrowedHalo

Ok, here it is. I have realized/truly admitted to myself that I don't really LIKE my husband. But here's the rub. Who couldn't make a list of things that bother them about their spouse?

I know it's not fair to say, "You do a lot of things right, but I don't want to do anything in the bedroom, so it must be your fault. Let's take a look at what you do wrong."

So, that said, I have realized that some of the things he has done/does are bigger than I have previously admitted. Also, please believe me when I say that I believe with every fiber of my being that I am NOT withholding sex as punishment or even consciously. Let me explain to you all "who" my husband is. And, for the record, I plan to talk to him about it.

1. He hates people. He used to be a very social person. He can be very likable when he wants to be. However, nowadays he pretty much thinks that no one is as smart/good/innovative/whatever as he is. He has no friends and has no desire to make new ones. As a result, I am completely isolated. I have been a SHM for 12 years and recently finished my degree for teaching (more on that further down). I have no way to really meet people, except through him. He makes as little effort as possible and when he does make even the slightest effort, he expects that he will get sex.

In case anyone thinks I'm exaggerating, let me tell you about a recent evening. He has a friend who is in a band. He told me, early in the day, "Oh, did I forget to tell you? I was planning to take you to see Casey's band tonight." Well, since we very VERY rarely go out, I was thrilled. I was thinking about doing my hair and makeup and what I would wear, etc. (Our kids are teens, so we don't have to worry about childcare, we just don't go out b/c HE doesn't want to.)

So, at around 9pm we went and there were 13 people in the bar. His friend (co-worker) is younger than us; so I was really surprised at the horrible music. It was really OLD music. I felt like I was too young to be there. We didn't talk to anyone (there was no one TO talk to). We stayed for a couple of drinks and went home. We stayed up for a while longer and then went to bed. Since it's been hot, I didn't wear my usual sweats. He started to "initiate" something. I was like, "What are you doing?" I had to explain that there was a roadblock in that plan. He was like, "Are you kidding?!" Like I planned it!

I miss people. Even when we are around people, he does things like nudge my foot or squeeze my hand/arm to remind me not to "embarrass" him. He doesn't say that, but it's what he means. If I look at him, he'll shake his head subtly to let me know that I'm talking too loudly/too much/about something wrong/whatever. This has made me feel like I am a social idiot, so I'm not comfortable going out WITHOUT him, but I don't want to go with him either.

#2 He loves money. More than even sex. I asked him once, if he could have all the sex he wanted or all the money he wanted, which he would choose. He chose money. He has unrealistic expectations about how much money it takes to run a household. Many people have told me to let him do all the shopping, thinking that he would learn. The problem is that he COULD do everything for the amount that he expects. He would buy ONLY what was needed and he would buy the cheapest brand of each item. He would shop for a couple of days' worth of items at a time and he would (he always tells me to do this), keep track of how much I'm spending and stop when I got to the end of the budget. He also expects me to only buy what was on the list...leaving things that I knew we needed, because they weren't budgeted for.

This love of money has caused him to ruin otherwise fun outings. He is not allowed to ever see another movie after (thinking he was being charming and funny) he ranted about how much it cost in front of everyone.

When my oldest children were younger, we got a babysitter and went Christmas shopping at Walmart. As we walked in, he asked where we should start. I suggested toys. He ranted that the grandparents, aunts and uncles were going to get them "so much". He hadn't planned on buying them presents! And, speaking of which, he waits until the last minute to buy for people in his family.

My children, now teens, don't LIKE for him to come with us, or even be around, because he's so unreasonable. And I am constantly "in trouble" for spending too much money. Mind you, we live in a smaller city and do not even have access to a mall. I spend too much money in gas and walmart (this includes groceries)--that's it. Those are the only two places I go.

#3 He farts. I know guys do. But, my husband does it more than other husbands. I'm convinced of it because there is no way that it can be normal to fart 5 times in 15 minutes. I decided one night to count. I was going to go a whole hour, but he was only with me for 15 minutes. Once every three minutes? Come on. It's a turn off.

#4 He hasn't kissed me in years, except as a last-ditch effort to maybe get some tonight. When things have been really bad, I would have given anything to hear, "Everything is going to be ok." He couldn't say that. He never tells me I'm pretty. My SON had to be the one to tell me that, as far as moms go, I'm fairly average. This was actually what I needed to hear. I needed to know that I'm not the fat, ugly mom. Instead, my H is critical of what I'm wearing when I sub-teach. Apparently, I picked the wrong look at Walmart!

#5 He thinks I'm an idiot. He will deny this strongly, but his actions prove that he thinks I'm an idiot. Most of the time, it centers around money again. Like acting like we aren't going to have enough money to pay the bills this month; but I look and we have a couple of paychecks worth in the savings. So, I feel like I have to hide the $25 bill from "Highlights" magazine that I agreed to get for my son, because I'm afraid our electric bill won't get paid. Other times, it's things like telling me his alcoholic brother is "having stomach problems" instead of "drunk".

#6 I finished my Bachelor's of Science in Elementary Education in April. He has barely acknowledged it. I had talked all during school about going to Italy as a graduation present. That was conveniently forgotten. I know times are tough, so I can deal with putting Italy off. I would have liked to have had a party, though. I didn't even get a card. The irony is, what do people mostly give graduates?

These are some of the things I was thinking of. I DO resent him. I resent that the US Army took my husband to Iraq and sent this THING back home to me. We can't get counseling unless the "veteran initiates it". Well, I doubt he will ever do that. I will stay married until my kids are out of the house, but after that, I don't know what will keep us together. We have nothing in common anymore.

[need2know]

Leave. You are not happy, you don't like him and therefore there is no point in sex or anything else. Leave. Or at the very least, tell him it is counseling or you are out. You are not doing him, yourself or your kids any favors by staying in a relationship with a man you dislike and disrespect.


Why stay til the kids are out of the house? I am sorry, but that is pretty archaic thinking. The only template for a relationship your children are going to have is the one that you and your husband make for them. And they know you don't like him, so it isn't like this is going to be a big shock to them. It might even be a relief.

[BorrowedHalo]

Originally Posted by need2know

Leave. You are not happy, you don't like him and therefore there is no point in sex or anything else. Leave. Or at the very least, tell him it is counseling or you are out. You are not doing him, yourself or your kids any favors by staying in a relationship with a man you dislike and disrespect.


Why stay til the kids are out of the house? I am sorry, but that is pretty archaic thinking. The only template for a relationship your children are going to have is the one that you and your husband make for them. And they know you don't like him, so it isn't like this is going to be a big shock to them. It might even be a relief.

I want to stay for two reasons. First, I am not convinced that all is lost and hopeless. Second, money. I fully believe that my husband would fight me tooth and nail about child-support/alimony. I am not employed full-time right now. I just finished my degree. I have never even HAD a full time job. I hate to admit it and I have beat myself up about this over and over, but we're doing ok right now. He says we're not, but we are. I am comfortable right now. It would be more selfish for me to leave and expect my kids to live in a smaller home/apartment and to have very little money. And, my husband would be a jerk about everything from custody/visitation to alimony/child support. AND I have a fear that he would try (and maybe be charming enough to succeed) to take the kids and leave me with practically nothing.

I'm not staying "for the kids' sake" the way people did back in the old days. I'm doing it because I know what kind of trauma it would be for all of us. Once the kids are on their own, IF we haven't fixed the problems--or before that IF they get worse...I'll leave.

[BorrowedHalo]

Oh, I almost forgot my biggest resentment. My H decided that, after my 4th pregnancy ended in miscarriage, we were not going to have any more kids. I am 38 and I still am holding on to the dream of one day having the 4th child that I want to have. I am not ready to accept never having another baby.

[MEM11363]

What would he do if you printed your list and showed it to him?

And what would HIS list of resentments look like?

Originally Posted by BorrowedHalo

Oh, I almost forgot my biggest resentment. My H decided that, after my 4th pregnancy ended in miscarriage, we were not going to have any more kids. I am 38 and I still am holding on to the dream of one day having the 4th child that I want to have. I am not ready to accept never having another baby.

[BorrowedHalo]

His resentments are easy! Not enough (ok, hardly any) sex, and I spend too much money. If I could get through sex a couple times a week and find a way to manufacture an extra $1000 a month, he'd been in heaven! If I could get all the groceries/household supplies for a family with a 10, 13 and almost 15 yr old for about $500 a month and never have to put fuel in my car; AND be in the mood a couple times a week; he'd just be over the moon!!!!

[housefullofmen]

Oh honey, run, run now, run far!! Sounds like a very controlling man, he needs therapy or medication or both!

If you can run a household on just the little money he has budgeted, you could definitely run a single parent household!! He could fight you on custody, he'd lose unless you are grossly unfit, I have not seen that, he could fight you on money, then have to pay it anyway as well as back pay!

A husband should never make you feel like an idiot, of all the people in world, he should be the one who makes you feel beautiful, smart and sexy! Whether you are all decked out and on your mental game, or if you're wearing that old holey night gown you bought 12 yrs ago and are mentally exhausted from the happenings of the day!

My definition of better-half: the person you married who always sees you as BETTER than you really are!

[cb45]

ok we only have yer side of story. lets say u r somewhere btwn being totally in the right (not likely) and more than 50% right compared to yer H (likely).
where does this get ya? i mean, how do u know he doesnt have more than just sex resentments against ya and negatively
acts out his frustrations w/ u?(not justified i know but.....)

i hope he can both listen and articulate his own list of resentments against u. many a man cannot, for various reasons.

i also think u r building up to some kinda action in the (near?)
future re: ditching him now that teaching employment & increased socialization is on the horizon for u. is or isnt this so?

well.....enough of my 2 cents, b4 it becomes a nickel or a dimes
worth./

buena vista........baby.

[need2know]

Originally Posted by BorrowedHalo

I want to stay for two reasons. First, I am not convinced that all is lost and hopeless. Second, money. I fully believe that my husband would fight me tooth and nail about child-support/alimony. I am not employed full-time right now. I just finished my degree. I have never even HAD a full time job. I hate to admit it and I have beat myself up about this over and over, but we're doing ok right now. He says we're not, but we are. I am comfortable right now. It would be more selfish for me to leave and expect my kids to live in a smaller home/apartment and to have very little money. And, my husband would be a jerk about everything from custody/visitation to alimony/child support. AND I have a fear that he would try (and maybe be charming enough to succeed) to take the kids and leave me with practically nothing.

I'm not staying "for the kids' sake" the way people did back in the old days. I'm doing it because I know what kind of trauma it would be for all of us. Once the kids are on their own, IF we haven't fixed the problems--or before that IF they get worse...I'll leave.

The ONLY way this situation is salvageable is if you get some kind of outside counseling. Not off the internet. Real counseling. Starting tomorrow. Unless you do that, leave. And your kids are not better off having a lower degree of loving home life and a higher degree of STUFF. And no, you loving them and hating him does not cut it. Do not fool yourself and think you are fooling them. The house and the kind of clothes they are wearing is not going to give them their self-esteem or their relationship skills.

Listen, I am in the middle of the biggest financial crunch we have ever experienced. Right now my daughter is at a friend's house completely outfitted from head to toe in Abercrombie, Hollister and American Eagle, I manage to have 'Family Game Night' at my house every Sunday night for our extended family and it always amounts to a minimum of fifteen people and my DH and I now have a camping trip planned for the end of the month.

I shop at a combination of Goodwill and the Salvation Army for clothes (here Wednesdays are 1/2 off day at SA and on Tuesdays GW does 25% off for seniors. I drag my mother there a couple of Tuesdays a month). We don't spend more than $50 per month on clothes and the kids friend's would never know it. Between WalMart, Aldi's and the meat sales at my local Food Lion I manage to feed half the people in two counties on about $125 a week. Oh, did I mention we have SEVEN dogs? Tractor Supply has great deals on dog food every month. I stock up on whatever is on sale.

Two years ago my husband was bringing him in the neighborhood of $150,000 a year and we had ZERO credit card debt. Now we are getting by on about $48,000 a year. It ain't easy, but we are doing it. And we haven't lost the house or sold anything we cried about.

Your life is up to you. You are where you want to be. Period. Nobody is holding a gun to your head. If you wanted to leave, you would find a way to make that work. You are trading emotional stability for yourself and your children for physical ease and comfort. Oh, and unless you are a drug addict or certified mentally unstable, there is no way your husband is going to get full custody of your kids. Didn't you say they are teenagers? At that age, their wishes are usually considered by the court. If they want to be with you, you will get granted custody. And he can't do a damned thing about alimony.

Whatever you choose to do, good luck with it. Just don't kid yourself into thinking that the reason you are staying has anything to do with your kids. Cause staying is the worst thing for them.

[CLucas976]

Originally Posted by BorrowedHalo

I want to stay for two reasons. First, I am not convinced that all is lost and hopeless. Second, money. I fully believe that my husband would fight me tooth and nail about child-support/alimony. I am not employed full-time right now. I just finished my degree. I have never even HAD a full time job. I hate to admit it and I have beat myself up about this over and over, but we're doing ok right now. He says we're not, but we are. I am comfortable right now. It would be more selfish for me to leave and expect my kids to live in a smaller home/apartment and to have very little money. And, my husband would be a jerk about everything from custody/visitation to alimony/child support. AND I have a fear that he would try (and maybe be charming enough to succeed) to take the kids and leave me with practically nothing.

I'm not staying "for the kids' sake" the way people did back in the old days. I'm doing it because I know what kind of trauma it would be for all of us. Once the kids are on their own, IF we haven't fixed the problems--or before that IF they get worse...I'll leave.

Please, for your own sake, do not look at it this way.

I watched my mom stick with a guy for 13 years that was horrible to her and us in the most ridiculous controlling psychologically abusive ways possible. The woman tried for years to make the happy family situation happen and it never did.

She was a single mom with 3 kids, and once we had the financial stability from him, she felt she shouldn't rob us of it just because she wasn't happy.

I would have given up everything and worked a job to pay bills if it meant seeing my mom happy and getting out of that situation. Now that she left, my brothers don't have all of the things they had before, but they're happier than I have ever seen them and we are so much more of a family than we were in 13 years. (my brothers being 14 and 17 when she split from him)

Don't think the kids won't understand. Chances are, they see whats going on too.

[hurtbyher]

My first thoughts when reading your first post was PRINT this and show him. Better yet print all replies so he sees that it is not just YOU other people see his actions as wrong. For You and your kids comunicate with him somehow. I bet if he went back to the guy he was when you married him you would love him as much if not more than then. Good luck to you I hope it changes for you soon because YOU deserve to be happy.

[BorrowedHalo]

A lot of people have suggested printing this and showing him. I certainly have every intention of printing a version of this to talk to him about it.

I want to be clear. He is NOT horrible. Irritating and a jerk on his worst days, but NEVER horrible. I had a step father for a couple of years before I turned 18 who was horrible. He never touched me, but he played psychological games. My husband isn't trying to be a jerk, he's just not always very realistic. He says we have no money because he is genuinely worried about money. He's thinking about what would happen if he got laid off or something.

Also, my husband sees someone at the VA hospital to talk to. The problem is that my H told me once that he "tells the guy about the things that are really bothering him and pretty much tells him what he wants to hear for the rest." So, no wonder it's not getting any better.

Our insurance is limited in who can provide counseling, and there is no one in our town who is acceptable (at of the last time I checked, about 18 months ago). But, then things got better.

I think he's trying. So, for my part, I will try. But that has to start with us talking. I took vows that were "for better or for worse." I'm not going to leave because he's different now! I'm different now too.

That's all for now.

[ctct]

So you're staying with him for the money?

And you have a problem that he's more in control of finances, yet he is the one that makes the money?

And you assume you would get the kids, and you think it's bad that he would fight alimony?

No wonder... sounds like maybe he should ditch you.

[QUOTE=BorrowedHalo;166458]I want to stay for two reasons. First, I am not convinced that all is lost and hopeless. Second, money. I fully believe that my husband would fight me tooth and nail about child-support/alimony. I am not employed full-time right now. I just finished my degree. I have never even HAD a full time job. I hate to admit it and I have beat myself up about this over and over, but we're doing ok right now. He says we're not, but we are. I am comfortable right now. It would be more selfish for me to leave and expect my kids to live in a smaller home/apartment and to have very little money. And, my husband would be a jerk about everything from custody/visitation to alimony/child support. AND I have a fear that he would try (and maybe be charming enough to succeed) to take the kids and leave me with practically nothing.
QUOTE]

[ctct]

So you're staying with him for the money?

And you have a problem that he's more in control of finances, yet he is the one that makes the money?

And you assume you would get the kids, and you think it's bad that he would fight alimony?

No wonder...
Maybe he should ditch you,
or you could take a step back and look at yourself, and then try to fix things.

[QUOTE=BorrowedHalo;166458]I want to stay for two reasons. First, I am not convinced that all is lost and hopeless. Second, money. I fully believe that my husband would fight me tooth and nail about child-support/alimony. I am not employed full-time right now. I just finished my degree. I have never even HAD a full time job. I hate to admit it and I have beat myself up about this over and over, but we're doing ok right now. He says we're not, but we are. I am comfortable right now. It would be more selfish for me to leave and expect my kids to live in a smaller home/apartment and to have very little money. And, my husband would be a jerk about everything from custody/visitation to alimony/child support. AND I have a fear that he would try (and maybe be charming enough to succeed) to take the kids and leave me with practically nothing.
QUOTE]