you did it for other men, but not me? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 4286Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:29 PM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,518
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Likes change over time. And things you're willing to try may not be things you want to continue doing after experiencing them, if you don't care for them - especially things from long ago.

If it were something she liked doing within the last year or so with someone else, but won't with me, then perhaps there's an issue. Is it about me, or about her - or was it about him?

On the other hand, what if she liked anal, but you find it disgusting? Are you obligated to indulge her, or not? I'd say no, and likewise, she has the right to say no. You don't have to like it, but your options are to accept it, try to persuade her to try it again, deny her something she wants (childish), or break up with her.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:32 PM
Member
 
chillymorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,696
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Code-Welder View Post
"Does any of this make sense to anyone?"

If your wife had told you all about her past would you have married her? Do you want to try these things because you want to, or because she did these things in the past?

Perhaps your wife has fallen into the mode of your a husband and father? When kids come along much of the wild side is gone for ever. My DDW was that way till we got older and the kids were out of the house. Once married she looked at me as a husband and soon after a father, not as much as her lover. Other guys I have talked to have had the same thing happen.
so if your a convicted felon its ok to lie to your girl friend because they might not find you marriage material?
chillymorn is offline  
post #18 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:33 PM
Member
 
usmarriedguy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 854
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Reminds me of a movie I watched for a bit yesterday called "Chasing Amy"
usmarriedguy is offline  
post #19 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,696
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Quote:
I am talking about you actively did some things with other men and woman in your wilder days and your H wants some of that from you and you deny him this. Especially stuff you admit you enjoyed back then.
This makes it seem like the two thoughts aren't connected. That whether or not sure enjoyed it "back then" is irrelevant to whether or not she should feel a compulsion to do so again.

Also when you start discussing sex about something someone is "getting" from someone else, rather than a mutual activity, that already sounds like a failure. Sex should be pursued as a mutual enjoyable thing, not because of the tenets of the "male ego." I mean if it's "just" a sex act, why the big deal?

Quote:
Does it matter to you that it makes him feel like he is not the sexual creature your past lover was and this is why you will not indulge him. After all it is just a sexual act with your H, so why the stance to withhold, knowing it will hurt him and possibly hurt the marriage in the long run. Do you not realixe you gave this gift to a guy that did not love you and now you would be making the man that chose to be with you for life very happy and feel very appreciated if he knew that he had gotten all the sexual gifts you have given others and more.
So basically, if you ever tell a H about something you sexually did in the past, you are therefore compelled to do so in the future, because otherwise his ego will be bruised. That you need to give him all "sexual gifts" he desires, well - because he's a man, and that's what men require.
Starstarfish is offline  
post #20 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:34 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 716
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieAsh View Post
The problem with women answering this is that NOTHING we, as random women on the internet, can say to make a random man on the internet feel better. Our reasoning is often dismissed and disregarded.

There is a few things I did with an ex that I don't do with my husband. He knows it. Why does he accept and understand it? Because that relationship was MESSED UP. It was sick and wrong toward the end and he wants no part of it. He encouraged me to break up with the guy.
No I am looking for a response that also shows consideration for the man. Your situation is very clear and concise. I would not want anything from my wife that upset her due to past abuse. I am not trying to hurt her at all.
In actuality, she is the one hurting me here. I just do not think woman (most) get it.
It hurts me she was willing to give a sexual gift to another person and not me.
nogutsnoglory is offline  
post #21 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:35 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 10,699
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieAsh View Post
The problem with women answering this is that NOTHING we, as random women on the internet, can say to make a random man on the internet feel better. Our reasoning is often dismissed and disregarded.

There is a few things I did with an ex that I don't do with my husband. He knows it. Why does he accept and understand it? Because that relationship was MESSED UP. It was sick and wrong toward the end and he wants no part of it. He encouraged me to break up with the guy.
This a new perspective with regards to *not liking* what was happening in a past sexual act.

What I find interesting is OP mentioned that his old lady *liked* what was happening in her past sexual act...and even lied about such act before marriage.
the guy is offline  
post #22 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:35 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 4,455
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
can't wait to hear the women respond to this.
Not a chance

I only visit threads like this to further my psych studies.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Cosmos is offline  
post #23 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 716
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Starstarfish View Post
This makes it seem like the two thoughts aren't connected. That whether or not sure enjoyed it "back then" is irrelevant to whether or not she should feel a compulsion to do so again.

Also when you start discussing sex about something someone is "getting" from someone else, rather than a mutual activity, that already sounds like a failure. Sex should be pursued as a mutual enjoyable thing, not because of the tenets of the "male ego." I mean if it's "just" a sex act, why the big deal?



So basically, if you ever tell a H about something you sexually did in the past, you are therefore compelled to do so in the future, because otherwise his ego will be bruised. That you need to give him all "sexual gifts" he desires, well - because he's a man, and that's what men require.
So, here we go. Many woman are not huge fans of a blow job, but they give them because it is an important thing to the H. Is this not the same thing. So the man is wrong for wanting the BJ if the wife is not happy to do it? He is not allowed to feel rejected, feel his needs are not met?
No I specifically said you enjoyed the past sex act with the other man and YES, if you enjoyed it then to the H it sounds like I am being rejected. You did it, you enjoyed it, you wont do it with me?
nogutsnoglory is offline  
post #24 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:39 PM
Member
 
chillymorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,696
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

so if when I dated a girl and took her to fancy resteraunts,the opera,and bought her flowers once a week and then started dating my now wife but didn't do these things and she asked and I said no thats just who I am.But then later after being married for a period of time and she found out. I can just say that was in the past. and she would say COOL!
all the responces seem like a double standard to me!
chillymorn is offline  
post #25 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:40 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 716
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
This a new perspective with regards to *not liking* what was happening in a past sexual act.

What I find interesting is OP mentioned that his old lady *liked* what was happening in her past sexual act...and even lied about such act before marriage.
thank you for reading my post. I find it interesting (and hurtful) to be honest.
nogutsnoglory is offline  
post #26 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:41 PM
Member
 
Thor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8,861
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Noguts, I agree 100% with your sentiments. You do qualify that these are things she enjoyed, and they are not unreasonable within a marriage (except the 3 some). If she did not enjoy the acts or now finds them offensive, I agree she has the right to not do them now.

As my shrink says, maybe she just isn't that into you. I think it is more complex, and as others have suggested there is an element of her psychology. As a single she feels free, and is excited by doing wild stuff. Once married she believes she should abide by the mature married woman model, not the wild single girl model.

It is possible she selected you out of security, etc., and from this standpoint she isn't into you the way she was with previous bf's. On the other hand she did select you and you say there is love. So what is needed is to make her feel the desire to up her game.
Thor is offline  
post #27 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:44 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 716
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by usmarriedguy View Post
I can see how you could make that inference but I think it is because you are looking at men as a collective instead of individuals.

Some men seem to get freaked out by the knowledge that their wives had other experiences and some do not. The OP just seems to be experiencing a bit of jealousy.
Absolutely, jealousy is a very natural response to a lover denying what was good for another lover. It makes me feel like I do not have the same appeal to her he did, sexually. Male ego.
nogutsnoglory is offline  
post #28 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:44 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,696
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Quote:
So the man is wrong for wanting the BJ if the wife is not happy to do it? He is not allowed to feel rejected, feel his needs are not met?
No, you aren't wrong for having sexual desires. And you aren't wrong with feeling how that makes you feel. But that's an argument based on how it makes -you- as an individual feel, not one based on this general concept of "the male ego."

The first part places the importance where it should be - on the feelings of a spouse and meeting their needs. The second sounds like men's sexual needs are more important because of Freudian psychological concepts that not everyone supports and believes in. It seems like its trying to utilize this other mysterious external force to back up the claim to "sexual gifts" - when really the only claim is desire.
Starstarfish is offline  
post #29 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:45 PM
Member
 
Lordhavok's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: down south
Posts: 1,058
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

This thread is making me trigger

The All-Father wove the skein of your life a long time ago. Go and hide in a hole if you wish, but you won't live one instant longer. Your fate is fixed. Fear profits a man nothing.
Lordhavok is offline  
post #30 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 12:45 PM
Member
 
AnnieAsh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Trying to mail my twins to Mab and Lanie...
Posts: 9,276
Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nogutsnoglory View Post
No I am looking for a response that also shows consideration for the man. Your situation is very clear and concise. I would not want anything from my wife that upset her due to past abuse. I am not trying to hurt her at all.
In actuality, she is the one hurting me here. I just do not think woman (most) get it.
It hurts me she was willing to give a sexual gift to another person and not me.
Do you want a gift given grudgingly? Given under duress? Or do you want it given freely and happily? There are SO many things that you two can share that are between the 2 of you, experiences that she could never share with an ex.

Like I said before, nothing we say as women is acceptable to you. Nothing. You will feel what you feel, like you have been deprived and lied to. The only one who can answer your questions is your wife.

My husband would tell you (about me) "she had anal sex with her ex but I guarantee she didn't have wild orgasms with him, or sneak giggling into a closet with him to have a quickie while the family gathered for thanksgiving."

Annie+LanieB=♥interracialfoodlove
"Come back safe, Bob. Don't leave me with these friggin kids."
I just wanna hug yo' mama in a Subaru hatchback!
AnnieAsh is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Do women cheat more than men or are men good at hiding it frank29 Coping with Infidelity 97 10-31-2015 11:30 AM
Wayward men, any men (or women-your man?)would you hang around denying for 10 months? Remains Coping with Infidelity 26 10-10-2014 08:33 AM
For men in LDR or single men, how many times a wk do you watch porn? blue23 The Men's Clubhouse 7 03-09-2012 04:13 PM
the difference in men and women, men are happier preso The Ladies' Lounge 4 05-21-2009 03:23 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome