you did it for other men, but not me? - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #121 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 03:38 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

I am going to turn the tables here. I can't imagine enjoying something in my past that I enjoyed and not wanting to do it with my fiance. She deserves far better than that. If I felt that way, I would have to guess that there is something seriously wrong with me. Further, I can't imagine not sharing something so huge with my fiance. Again, if I was to do something like that, I would have to guess that there was something seriously wrong with me. It is one of those things that you might not think about until you are actually in the situation.

In fact, this is something that hits very close to home earlier in our relationship. We got over it. I CAN say one thing though: we are now doing MORE than either of us have ever done in their past. If my fiance would have maintained her initial stance, the relationship would have broken. There wasn't any twisting of arms or anything like that. Thousands upon thousands of hours of conversation trying to understand one another. When she thought about the tables being turned, she finally begin to understand. We both also understood that we are free individuals. She has just as much of a right to not do something as I have a right to want something. This is the kind of thing that has to be worked out before making a final commitment. Two honest good people that have to know whether or not they can provide what the other needs. And neither one of us would be able to live very well thinking the other had been involved in something enjoyable that they were unwilling to share. Others may disagree. And that is fine, as long as you have a partner that accepts it. It wouldn't be me.
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post #122 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 03:43 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

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Originally Posted by treyvion View Post
Proper sex and intimacy should have never been diminished, the love for family and closeness should have carried over and been maintained into the bed room. Children should never be a deterrent to an excellent sex life.

When you have kids, you obviously can't be doing it all over the house. But you can do it in your room, quickies at bed time even and if you want something drawn out rent a hotel room or a friends house while they are out of town.
I can say for the vast majority of the male friends I have when the kids come it does make having quality sex more difficult. Kids are a libido killer from the general conversation I have had with other guys as well as my DDW.
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post #123 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 03:45 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

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In that scenario, the short answer is that the risk I was willing to take in high school versus what I'm willing to risk now is very different. Public indecency charges at 18 are a fun story at the next kegger. Now, it could cost me my job. (Never mind that it's December and no way in hell am I getting naked in this weather!).

Personally, I don't discuss my past. For exactly this sort of reason. At my age and stage of life, the men I date can pretty much safely assume that I have a sexual history. But, I would say that ultimately, the question may be valid, it's the follow up that kills it all. You can ask why I don't want to have sex on a car hood on Lovers Lane. However, if your reply to my answer is "But you did it with Fred-Bob Smith!", then I've just lost my lady-boner for you.
Your first paragraph has two (three!) completely acceptable explanations, which I think was part of the original question (now obscured by a bunch of insults). I am 100% in agreement that details of sexual history don't do anyone any good. (Don't ask, then no one has to lie.) And yes, that would also be a horrible reply to an explanation.

But. . . what do you think of no explanation, at all. Just no, especially after it comes out that a previous answer was misleading, at best? I agree it would be smart if someone in that situation STFU and maybe came up with another strategy, but IF your man knew you did something in your past and enjoyed it (even if it had never been discussed in the past) and IF he expressed an interest in that with you, surely you would at least try to explain?

This doesn't apply to me so much because I'm spending time in the sexless marriage threads (where no with no explanation is familiar), but you at least understand the quandary here, right?
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post #124 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 03:55 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

She LIED about all of it.

These are not things she disliked and now does not want to do. She liked them, but he is not worth it? As a couple these things should be open for discussion, I would think.

I do not think this is about keeping score and being fair.
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post #125 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 03:58 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

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She LIED about all of it.

These are not things she disliked and now does not want to do. She liked them, but he is not worth it? As a couple these things should be open for discussion, I would think.

I do not think this is about keeping score and being fair.
Reality is not a bad thing at all. How can it feel good to be around someone who said you are not worthy. They say it with their priority of you, their actions, their body language, their eyes. It diminishes a person who cares what they think.
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post #126 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 04:14 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

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Originally Posted by 1812overture View Post
Your first paragraph has two (three!) completely acceptable explanations, which I think was part of the original question (now obscured by a bunch of insults). I am 100% in agreement that details of sexual history don't do anyone any good. (Don't ask, then no one has to lie.) And yes, that would also be a horrible reply to an explanation.

But. . . what do you think of no explanation, at all. Just no, especially after it comes out that a previous answer was misleading, at best? I agree it would be smart if someone in that situation STFU and maybe came up with another strategy, but IF your man knew you did something in your past and enjoyed it (even if it had never been discussed in the past) and IF he expressed an interest in that with you, surely you would at least try to explain?

This doesn't apply to me so much because I'm spending time in the sexless marriage threads (where no with no explanation is familiar), but you at least understand the quandary here, right?
Ultimately, I believe firmly that my body is my own. Sex is a vital part of a healthy and successful relationship, but sex on demand is not. So I personally would draw a pretty firm line in the sand on that issue.

And really, I can think of a hundred things I loved, Loved, LOVED to do when I was younger that either do nothing to pique my interest today or are flat out non-starters. For example, I partied like crazy in Mexico most weekends all the way through high school. Wouldn't do that now for love or money. I also used to love roller skating. Went every chance I got and had a great time doing it. Now, the idea is "meh, I guess if you really, really want to" at best.

Me saying no to either scenario doesn't mean I hate the guy trying to plan a date, it just means I'm not into those things anymore. End of story. I might offer the kind and amount of information in my examples, but can't really see a situation where I would feel the need to justify my response beyond that.
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post #127 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 04:23 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

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So in the OPs situation, where he finds out that she did these things after her friend blabs, asks to do one or more of them with her, and she says no. Is he a whiny little b!tch if he asks why? How about if he requests more than just a "because I don't want to"?
Because "Because I don't want to" SHOULD be a 'good enough' reason NOT to.

But it seems that no matter WHAT her response to him would be, would not be "good enough" for HIM.
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post #128 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 04:23 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Imo people should just marry people they're compatible with.

Selfish people marrying selfish people.

Givers marrying givers.

Should sort out many problems.
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post #129 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 04:24 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

The facts , as OP said, are:
he asked before M
she said no (lied)
OP found out by her BF (it slipped)
he confronted her , she admitted threesome ,bdsm,anal etc.
she also admitted she liked it
OP askes to do some of the above and is denied without a reason
OP forgives for the lies
OP feels hurt and sexualy less attractive

Isn't it obvious that OP has been cheated , deceived and betrayed?
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post #130 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 04:26 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

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Originally Posted by MyTurn View Post
The facts , as OP said, are:
he asked before M
she said no (lied)
OP found out by her BF (it slipped)
he confronted her , she admitted threesome ,bdsm,anal etc.
she also admitted she liked it
OP askes to do some of the above and is denied without a reason
OP forgives for the lies
OP feels hurt and sexualy less attractive

Isn't it obvious that OP has been cheated , deceived and betrayed?
Yes, but there are some really idiotic people in the world.
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post #131 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 04:26 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

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Originally Posted by 1812overture View Post
That's a fair reaction. But what if it's not shame. What if it's 'make my fantasy a reality'? And maybe it's the hood of the car at the lover's lane spot down the street from the high school where he never got any but heard others were doing it? And he knows you've had sex on the hood of a car in your past. 'Here we are, my HS reunion. Our way home takes us past that spot.' Will you? Or will you at least explain why not?

Taking the OP away, isn't the question in the title deserving of at least an answer?
What kind of answer would be 'good enough'? Seems that the OP (among others) is already convinced that there is no 'good answer' that would "allow" the OP's partner off the hook.

Saying, "You did it for HIM, why won't you do it for ME?" is a TRICK QUESTION.
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post #132 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 04:31 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

Why is it a woman's obligation to pet and stroke a man's ego? I mean, honestly.

I understand retro-active jealousy. But "give me what you gave him" is just ridiculous. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not entitled to any part of your wife's body or sexuality.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #133 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 04:34 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
What kind of answer would be 'good enough'? Seems that the OP (among others) is already convinced that there is no 'good answer' that would "allow" the OP's partner off the hook.

Saying, "You did it for HIM, why won't you do it for ME?" is a TRICK QUESTION.
"I don't care if you did it with him or not. The fact is, that it's common knowledge that you did, and you actually like that stuff very much! Something you are willing to deny me of and lie about it."
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post #134 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 04:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
What kind of answer would be 'good enough'? Seems that the OP (among others) is already convinced that there is no 'good answer' that would "allow" the OP's partner off the hook.

Saying, "You did it for HIM, why won't you do it for ME?" is a TRICK QUESTION.
Read the amazing defensive and accusatory logic of many on here and form your own answer.
If I knew a good answer I would respond to your Q. I do not see the logic. Many here seem to and I am amazed at it and it appears many others are too.
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post #135 of 2776 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 04:36 PM
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Re: you did it for other men, but not me?

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Why is it a woman's obligation to pet and stroke a man's ego? I mean, honestly.

I understand retro-active jealousy. But "give me what you gave him" is just ridiculous. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not entitled to any part of your wife's body or sexuality.
Women have ego's too. Why is it a mans job to stroke a womans ego?
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