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you did it for other men, but not me?

577K views 4K replies 250 participants last post by  Deejo 
#1 ·
So I am a bit curious as to the logic and understanding of men and woman.
I have read (and experienced) what it feel like to be told that "that was then and this is now"
Meaning the sexual acts you performed with other men and or woman is a part of the past and not something you want to do with your husband.

Obviously anal is a popular one, but there are many others.

Woman, do you have basic knowledge of a male ego?
Do you realize what a shot to a males ego this is?

I am not talking about you tried something once in college and it hurt so you won't do it again.

I am talking about you actively did some things with other men and woman in your wilder days and your H wants some of that from you and you deny him this. Especially stuff you admit you enjoyed back then.

Does it matter to you that it makes him feel like he is not the sexual creature your past lover was and this is why you will not indulge him. After all it is just a sexual act with your H, so why the stance to withhold, knowing it will hurt him and possibly hurt the marriage in the long run. Do you not realixe you gave this gift to a guy that did not love you and now you would be making the man that chose to be with you for life very happy and feel very appreciated if he knew that he had gotten all the sexual gifts you have given others and more.
My W actually withheld that she had done things ( I asked her prior to marriage and she lied to me) I have, since learning of this, gone from initially very disappointed in realizing I had married a party girl (knew she had some fun, but not that much fun), and now I am feeling like, I am married to her and love her and for my own ego to resolve these things, I want the same thing.
If I had learned prior to marriage, I would have chosen this path then, but I thought I had married someone with similar background and moral structure, but again, I was deceived.

I have since gotten past the moral side of this stuff (as best I can) and want to see and feel, experience this stuff with my wife. After all, there is a guy out there walking around that knows her wild side better than I do, and I would like to have some mind movies of my wife in my head with me as the man, versus the mind movies of what she did with other men. Male ego at work. Do not fault me for having one.

Does any of this make sense to anyone?

I was allowed to have her past matter to me for any reason I saw fit and she lied to me, so how I feel now and what I want, is her consequence for lying to me. IMO.

I will not divorce her for this, so don't go there. I love her and who she is today, but my ego has been slammed to the ground and I want to do something about it.
It is not like having some crazy sex with her H will change who she is, just make her more fun for me really. So what is the big deal? Can't you see that if you gave a sexual gift to one man in your past that your H might want to have that gift given to him.. I just do not see the logic of woman that do not get this.
 
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#2 ·
So I am a bit curious as to the logic and understanding of men and woman.
I have read (and experienced) what it feel like to be told that "that was then and this is now"
Meaning the sexual acts you performed with other men and or woman is a part of the past and not something you want to do with your husband.

Obviously anal is a popular one, but there are many others.

Woman, do you have basic knowledge of a male ego?
Do you realize what a shot to a males ego this is?

I am not talking about you tried something once in college and it hurt so you won't do it again.

I am talking about you actively did some things with other men and woman in your wilder days and your H wants some of that from you and you deny him this. Especially stuff you admit you enjoyed back then.
How would you feel as her "husband" that these things weren't done during her "wilder" years at all. That she felt something for him and wanted to impress this man and did these sexual acts or actions and treatments on this other man, that she won't do for you, because she doesn't think she has to or she doesn't feel that way. How the hell is that supposed to feel?

Does it matter to you that it makes him feel like he is not the sexual creature your past lover was and this is why you will not indulge him. After all it is just a sexual act with your H, so why the stance to withhold, knowing it will hurt him and possibly hurt the marriage in the long run. Do you not realixe you gave this gift to a guy that did not love you and now you would be making the man that chose to be with you for life very happy and feel very appreciated if he knew that he had gotten all the sexual gifts you have given others and more.
Well she may have done it because it was fun and exciting at the time! Does this make a "husband" feel anybetter?

My W actually withheld that she had done things ( I asked her prior to marriage and she lied to me) I have, since learning of this, gone from initially very disappointed in realizing I had married a party girl (knew she had some fun, but not that much fun), and now I am feeling like, I am married to her and love her and for my own ego to resolve these things, I want the same thing.
If I had learned prior to marriage, I would have chosen this path then, but I thought I had married someone with similar background and moral structure, but again, I was deceived.
Men were being decieved before even Jesus Christ walked the earth. I'm not sure whether it matters what she did or didn't do before she got with you, but if you know for a fact that these acts which she did freely and enjoyed before you, she can physically do them. So why cheat the husband? Some women marry a husband as a permenant crutch and he isn't even her top choice. She just finds a loyal and loving man and ensnares him.

I have since gotten past the moral side of this stuff (as best I can) and want to see and feel, experience this stuff with my wife. After all, there is a guy out there walking around that knows her wild side better than I do, and I would like to have some mind movies of my wife in my head with me as the man, versus the mind movies of what she did with other men. Male ego at work. Do not fault me for having one.

Does any of this make sense to anyone?

I was allowed to have her past matter to me for any reason I saw fit and she lied to me, so how I feel now and what I want, is her consequence for lying to me. IMO.

I will not divorce her for this, so don't go there. I love her and who she is today, but my ego has been slammed to the ground and I want to do something about it.
It is not like having some crazy sex with her H will change who she is, just make her more fun for me really. So what is the big deal? Can't you see that if you gave a sexual gift to one man in your past that your H might want to have that gift given to him.. I just do not see the logic of woman that do not get this.
Just because she did it for him, she doesn't have to do it for you. Thats the logic.

Some of these women also do not shut off the life they were doing before the husband. The husband is provided a bare minimum to stay and they do these exciting things with others.

Just great for your erections, huh?
 
#3 ·
How would you feel as her "husband" that these things weren't done during her "wilder" years at all. That she felt something for him and wanted to impress this man and did these sexual acts or actions and treatments on this other man, that she won't do for you, because she doesn't think she has to or she doesn't feel that way. How the hell is that supposed to feel?



Well she may have done it because it was fun and exciting at the time! Does this make a "husband" feel anybetter?



Men were being decieved before even Jesus Christ walked the earth. I'm not sure whether it matters what she did or didn't do before she got with you, but if you know for a fact that these acts which she did freely and enjoyed before you, she can physically do them. So why cheat the husband? Some women marry a husband as a permenant crutch and he isn't even her top choice. She just finds a loyal and loving man and ensnares him.



Just because she did it for him, she doesn't have to do it for you. Thats the logic.

Some of these women also do not shut off the life they were doing before the husband. The husband is provided a bare minimum to stay and they do these exciting things with others.

Just great for your erections, huh?
WOW. Now I feel better. LOL
Good god, so she like it with them but not me and is now possibly still doing these things for OM just not me.
Glad I did not read this while standing on a cliff.
But I agree with you. It is a fair response.
 
#11 ·
She was in a committed relationship of a long term boyfriend during the threesome with another woman and she enjoyed the experience and admits it.
She was also involved in other acts involving just her partner at the time, no threesome. She claims to have enjoyed them all, has no regrets, yet lied to me about ever doing these things. I understand but do not forgive the lie. I do not forgive liars.

My opinion on being lied to is I get to change my reaction to what it would have been had I been given the truth. I am not allowed this concession though. I am wrong to want these things, I am wrong to feel slighted. I just do not agree.
 
#6 ·
Ok, here is another thread about how the hubby is missing out on all of the fun while the ex boyfriends got the action. Evidently your wife does not like what she did back then, she is more mature and her tastes probably changed. Being married is different from the boyfriend relationship, it is more experimental and during this process you are finding out what you like or don't like. When you are married, you should know what your tastes are.

I now know why women hide what they did before marriage since it becomes such a big issue of being denied. I was a virgin when I married and my hubby sometimes says he wishes I had more experience in sex, he wishes I was more open to trying more things he likes. Seems men are never completely satisfied either way.
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#12 ·
"Does any of this make sense to anyone?"

If your wife had told you all about her past would you have married her? Do you want to try these things because you want to, or because she did these things in the past?

Perhaps your wife has fallen into the mode of your a husband and father? When kids come along much of the wild side is gone for ever. My DDW was that way till we got older and the kids were out of the house. Once married she looked at me as a husband and soon after a father, not as much as her lover. Other guys I have talked to have had the same thing happen.
 
#13 ·
I think some women have this thinking that their new husband has to see them as Innocent virgins or at least close to it with regards to having moral and character befitting a proper wife.

Unlike my self most guys don't want to marry a sl^t. Sure guys want that in bed but to openly come out and Tell their future husband about the three way or GB or circus clowns...well that just might pull the plug on the wedding or for that matter the marriage proposal.

I'm thinking some chicks want to find a husband and so they lie about this kind of thing, and even through the marriage the play it off as the prim and proper wife only to have these dirty girl fantasies.

And thats the scary thing here..some go though life lying to their husband while they have this need to be a dirty girl..."her little secret" and when this need grows no matter how great the husband some will go out side that marriage to meet that need.

I'm sure their some honest women and can discuss this kind of thing and even openly give "it" to their now husband...but the ones that aren't/don't well thats just wrong and it a shame they can't be open and get that dirty girl need meet by the man that loves them.

Hell I'm just a guy so what do I know about why some women put up this wall of misconception and stop sharing or should I say giving this kind of gift.

I do know one thing about Mrs. the guy.. I am averagely endowed and the only guys that *got* the back door were the smaller fellas. But I have been given this "gift" now and then.:D
 
#16 ·
Likes change over time. And things you're willing to try may not be things you want to continue doing after experiencing them, if you don't care for them - especially things from long ago.

If it were something she liked doing within the last year or so with someone else, but won't with me, then perhaps there's an issue. Is it about me, or about her - or was it about him?

On the other hand, what if she liked anal, but you find it disgusting? Are you obligated to indulge her, or not? I'd say no, and likewise, she has the right to say no. You don't have to like it, but your options are to accept it, try to persuade her to try it again, deny her something she wants (childish), or break up with her.
 
#39 ·
yeah, I guess that is why I posted that this is something she has said she previously enjoyed. It is not disgusting to her, just in the past. She has already done it enough and doesn't have the need any more. My need does not appear to count. So in fact she is with holding something I want, that is not disgusting to her.
 
#19 ·
I am talking about you actively did some things with other men and woman in your wilder days and your H wants some of that from you and you deny him this. Especially stuff you admit you enjoyed back then.
This makes it seem like the two thoughts aren't connected. That whether or not sure enjoyed it "back then" is irrelevant to whether or not she should feel a compulsion to do so again.

Also when you start discussing sex about something someone is "getting" from someone else, rather than a mutual activity, that already sounds like a failure. Sex should be pursued as a mutual enjoyable thing, not because of the tenets of the "male ego." I mean if it's "just" a sex act, why the big deal?

Does it matter to you that it makes him feel like he is not the sexual creature your past lover was and this is why you will not indulge him. After all it is just a sexual act with your H, so why the stance to withhold, knowing it will hurt him and possibly hurt the marriage in the long run. Do you not realixe you gave this gift to a guy that did not love you and now you would be making the man that chose to be with you for life very happy and feel very appreciated if he knew that he had gotten all the sexual gifts you have given others and more.
So basically, if you ever tell a H about something you sexually did in the past, you are therefore compelled to do so in the future, because otherwise his ego will be bruised. That you need to give him all "sexual gifts" he desires, well - because he's a man, and that's what men require.
 
#23 ·
This makes it seem like the two thoughts aren't connected. That whether or not sure enjoyed it "back then" is irrelevant to whether or not she should feel a compulsion to do so again.

Also when you start discussing sex about something someone is "getting" from someone else, rather than a mutual activity, that already sounds like a failure. Sex should be pursued as a mutual enjoyable thing, not because of the tenets of the "male ego." I mean if it's "just" a sex act, why the big deal?



So basically, if you ever tell a H about something you sexually did in the past, you are therefore compelled to do so in the future, because otherwise his ego will be bruised. That you need to give him all "sexual gifts" he desires, well - because he's a man, and that's what men require.
So, here we go. Many woman are not huge fans of a blow job, but they give them because it is an important thing to the H. Is this not the same thing. So the man is wrong for wanting the BJ if the wife is not happy to do it? He is not allowed to feel rejected, feel his needs are not met?
No I specifically said you enjoyed the past sex act with the other man and YES, if you enjoyed it then to the H it sounds like I am being rejected. You did it, you enjoyed it, you wont do it with me?
 
#24 ·
so if when I dated a girl and took her to fancy resteraunts,the opera,and bought her flowers once a week and then started dating my now wife but didn't do these things and she asked and I said no thats just who I am.But then later after being married for a period of time and she found out. I can just say that was in the past. and she would say COOL!
all the responces seem like a double standard to me!
 
#26 ·
Noguts, I agree 100% with your sentiments. You do qualify that these are things she enjoyed, and they are not unreasonable within a marriage (except the 3 some). If she did not enjoy the acts or now finds them offensive, I agree she has the right to not do them now.

As my shrink says, maybe she just isn't that into you. I think it is more complex, and as others have suggested there is an element of her psychology. As a single she feels free, and is excited by doing wild stuff. Once married she believes she should abide by the mature married woman model, not the wild single girl model.

It is possible she selected you out of security, etc., and from this standpoint she isn't into you the way she was with previous bf's. On the other hand she did select you and you say there is love. So what is needed is to make her feel the desire to up her game.
 
#28 ·
So the man is wrong for wanting the BJ if the wife is not happy to do it? He is not allowed to feel rejected, feel his needs are not met?
No, you aren't wrong for having sexual desires. And you aren't wrong with feeling how that makes you feel. But that's an argument based on how it makes -you- as an individual feel, not one based on this general concept of "the male ego."

The first part places the importance where it should be - on the feelings of a spouse and meeting their needs. The second sounds like men's sexual needs are more important because of Freudian psychological concepts that not everyone supports and believes in. It seems like its trying to utilize this other mysterious external force to back up the claim to "sexual gifts" - when really the only claim is desire.
 
#33 ·
???????? ok cloud it with physc talk and then it will go away.

the bottom line is he wants is and she lied about ever doing it and admitted to enjoying it .........but she won't do it for the person she loves and wants to be with the rest of her life.

yea he should be cool with that!
 
#31 ·
Yes I suppose it is the same thing. Just because a woman enjoyed giving a guy a blow job in the past does not mean that she will enjoy it in the future or that she should feel obligated to give one.

I am not saying that I could not relate to someone being disappointed because their wife does not want to give him a blow job I am just saying that that is her right to be comfortable with what she does and is giving or not.

I would say that if she does not meet your needs than leave, otherwise get over it.
 
#34 ·
so if when I dated a girl and took her to fancy resteraunts,the opera,and bought her flowers once a week and then started dating my now wife but didn't do these things and she asked and I said no thats just who I am.But then later after being married for a period of time and she found out. I can just say that was in the past. and she would say COOL!
all the responces seem like a double standard to me!
I have a situation like that. Husband went on grand Caribbean vacation with first wife, and then presented a similiar idea when we were first together about vacations, dating, etc. Then after we married did a 180 and said "that's not who I am, and further, you are morally wrong with having that expectation."

I didn't really see a lot of male sympathy for that situation in my personal story thread. It was all about how I was "trying to change him" and how he "slaves away to support a lifestyle I desire." There were pot shots about how women only care about money etc. So - while you understand how that's an equivalently bothering thing, most didn't seem to.
 
#37 ·
???????? ok cloud it with physc talk and then it will go away.

the bottom line is he wants is and she lied about ever doing it and admitted to enjoying it .........but she won't do it for the person she loves and wants to be with the rest of her life.
I wasn't the one who started the psych talk about the male ego.

The bottom line is - his wife lied about her past and he has sexual expectations of her knowing about her past, but is disappointed she won't meet them. And wants the general population of women to explain his wife's behavior.

The only person who can ultimately answer why there is that disconnect is his wife, the rest of us can only provide argument and conjecture.
 
#38 ·
Ya stay away from the treesome.

But geeze...alls you're asking for is a "gift"...its not like you want a gift every day!!!!!

Did she actually tell you "that was then, this is now"?


Whats sucks is Thor hit the nail on the head...sorry bro. But the last thing Thor mentioned is you can up raise your sex rank and "get her to up her game".

I liked that Thor...good post.
 
#52 ·
I think the big mistake that a lot of men make is giving too much and EXPECTING reciprocation sexually.

seems like you got to play the game from the start!
1)don't try so hard to get in her pants ,play cool if it happens it happens.
2) no pu$$y licking until she sux some d!ck!
3) If your good with your d!ck she will want to sux it!
4)play as hard to get as she does only chase half way!
5) never tell her how much money you make.
6)never tell her how much money you make even after you marry.
7)if she doesn't like rule 5 or six then don't marry.
8)most likley you won't get married but you will be tagging a lot of pu$$y. win win win.

when you finaly find the one you want to settle down with beat yourself silly with a baseball bat. and knock some sence into yourself.

lol I ran with this a little the first 5 are good the rest are me just being an a$$.
 
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#55 ·
I know next to nothing about my wife's sexual past, and only slightly more about her romantic past. I've never asked and I don't want to know -- for this reason. Now that I think about it, I knew about previous girlfriend's pasts, so perhaps I saw the possible future early on.
Our lives are different from when we were dating, and I'm sure they will be different again in the future. But if I knew what the OP knows, I think it would bother me, and I'm a bit surprised women are upset even at the question.
"Love of my life, I have always wanted to try anal. I know you have done it in the past and enjoyed it. We don't have to make it a recurring thing, but I'd really like to experience it. Will you please do it with me?"
Is it unreasonable to ask for an explanation if the answer is "No"?
 
#62 ·
Hey bro. I think it's kind of messed up that she lied first off, hopefully she is remorseful about that, secondly, if she liked certain things before you and they don't bother her now, of course she should do them with you!

There isn't even any question she should do things that she doesn't have anything against.
Did she say the only reason was she didn't want to do them with you was because it would be with you?

I would be pissed at being lied to and might be hurt that she wouldn't do things she says she enjoys but not with me, except the 3some thing.
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#63 ·
Meaning the sexual acts you performed with other men and or woman is a part of the past and not something you want to do with your husband.
There is nothing I have done with/for a past partner that I am not willing to do with/for my husband. Unfortunately, he is the unwilling one. :(

I think what I hear the OP being most hurt about is that "she did it, enjoyed it, and lied about it."

I also do not understand this logic. It is one thing to tell your partner that you did something, did not like it and refuse to do it again. But that is not the case here. She is withholding and I would want to know why also.
 
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