I agree with Mal74, except I subscribe to the how-to way of addressing issues. It is correct to say you are equally responsible for your marriage and for the marriage being what it is. It is correct to say you have to fix it and to say you have to try a different approach and all that jazz. I have no doubt you also agree with that. And, I've no doubt you still have no idea what to do. So basically, you've been given most excellent advice.....that you already knew and is the reason you are here.
Reading between the lines of what you wrote, I get a picture of what you didn't write, which is that you fall in the sexually inexperienced category. I read that for a couple reasons: one is that no sexually experienced woman would put up with your husband. Being frustrated is one thing and is bad enough all by itself, but an experienced woman has expectations and knows what it is like to truly be made love to. No way would she bother with this for what sounds like 10 years. The second reason I say is that a sexually experienced woman would not endure this massage thing you describe. Time after time, it goes nowhere and accomplishes nothing, so she would not endure it over and over - getting the message early on that HE
doesn't know what he's doing and is not concerned enough to try or to learn. You say he used to be addicted to pornography. Well, unless it was gay porn, he has seen various things to do. Even as bad as pornography is for women, he saw enough to know better than this.
My purpose is to point out that you don't seem to know, due to inexperience, how to guide your husband. If you knew what it takes to please you, then you would not continually wait for him to do it, knowing he isn't going to. You would teach him how to please you instead of ending up frustrated each time he doesn't. Perhaps I got the wrong idea and you have tried to teach him many things. Perhaps doing those things is what you lay patiently waiting for him to do. Perhaps you forgot to mention your input in this area.
About your husband, I am not going to try to address if he is gay or not. I can only say that he is repressed and is extremely fearful. What he told you are not excuses. They are his truth, and you have to understand that. You have been patient albeit without tools, and now all you have to do is believe that he is scared like he says, rather than trying to second guess and figure out everything he says. When a person like him lacks skills, it is easier to do nothing for lack of knowing what to do. That way, there is no effort that fails.
Believing him means knowing marriage counseling cannot help. What you need is sex therapy. A good sex therapist will help you both explore what you both find pleasing in the sexual act and will help him overcome his fear. Apparently, he feels inadequate in a lot of areas, so he needs individual counseling to help with that. But in the bedroom, a sex therapist can help him build his confidence, and confidence is fortified by accomplishment. Once he succeeds at doing things that please you, he will be much more willing to continually do them. See where I'm going? You haven't learned. He hasn't learned. So there's been no success to this point. You both will have a wonderful time exploring and learning together.
It's possible a sex therapist will have a solution for his premature ejaculation but whatever that might be, I am sure he will have to be willing to work at it. And it probably won't be easy, but he will have to commit himself to the task. One probable solution is learning semen retention
If you are unable to get your husband to participate in sex therapy or commit to the work involved with controlling his orgasms, then I don't know what to think and have no further suggestions besides......err......hypnosis LOL. Maybe you could take that as clear sign he is not interested in you sexually and is actually homosexual. Or, you can take it as him being a thoughtless, inconsiderate, and unconcerned lover. I can't imagine it being anything else.