Sex with my Husband...weird
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-20-2010, 02:43 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Cool Sex with my Husband...weird

I have posted on here about another issue - but I thought I'd ask opinions about our sex life. First off - I have discussed ALL of what I'm about to disclose with my DH. We even talked about it in counseling.

My DH WAS using porn compulsively. He said it was because I wasn't meeting his high sexual needs. (Daily he says). But, I stopped initiating (yes I almost always had to initiate) because he was so weird during sex. He would always masturbate. We wouldn't actually "have sex". He said that it was because he was so ashamed he couldn't last....or that he didn't think he was good enough etc etc.

He finally started to HAVE intercourse...but it didn't last long. He started this 30-45 min foreplay ...where he would rub my arm...leg etc...almost as if he was tickling me. I was getting SO annoyed...but I tried to keep an open mind...since I was in therapy with him...and I knew he was "trying". But, I must admit once he GETS CLOSE to having sex....(after this long licking...rubbing) he is already close to finishing...himself.

Well, I have begun to HATE being intimate with him. I just cringe. My jaw tightens...I get so annoyed with this "act" because it seems so fake. I AM TRYING though - so I booked a sitter and we went to dinner, movie and hotel for the night..(last weekend). When we got back from the hotel bar...he laid down in bed...started watching TV...and didn't even make a move. I came to bed in ...very little clothing...and my DH just watched tv. I fell asleep waiting around...(I was NOT initiating this..i set up the entire weekend!) I woke up in the middle of the night and tried to wake him.. and he woke up ..and nothing. THe next morning.. I asked why he fell asleep ? He said..YOU DID ... then started the whole rubbing...thing again. UGH...I tried to go with it. AGAIN -- 5 minutes later...he asked me to "finish him off"... NEVER EVEN HAD SEX. He could tell I was ticked..so he jumped in my shower...and I was SO annoyed. I didn't want anything to do with him at this point..but I just went with it. It was over VERY fast.

What do "I" do? This masturbation thing...has been a problem for years now. He's stopped going to therapy. I just don't even want to talk about it. He says "you are just too hot of a wife...I can't help myself".

AND - the other element. He text messages an old coworker/friend of ours ALL DAY LONG. He's a gay man in a committed relationship. My DH has very few friends. Actually zero close friends...except 2 gay men. They both live out of state now. Because of OTHER issues...over a year ago ...I asked him (advice of my therapist) if he was gay? He was horrified. He said NO...he was so upset. He also told me he was "raped" by a man 15 years ago... after getting drunk at a bar. But, in further details I learned that he was DRUNK - but he actually remembers waking up in the middle of it. He did not try to stop it because he said he was "too scared". He does not believe he was drugged...just very drunk. He continued to work with this man...and never reported it to police.

I just don't know what to think. I have children with him. I'm religious...I don't want to divorce. I can do without sex for the sake of our kids...but I just feel so weird about my own life these days.

Would anyone have any suggestions? Thanks.
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Old 07-20-2010, 02:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex with my Husband...weird

There are a few other ladies on this board who have dealt with issues similar to yours. Honestly, I personally vote on the closeted homosexual angle myself for your hubby. I'm not a psychiatrist though, but just from reading your posts it's what it "sounds" like to me. Some further deeper individual therapy for your husband needs to be done IMO. If he's homosexual and doesn't want to admit it, the sex will never get any better because he's just not into it. Or, even if he's not homosexual, the rape may be laying heavily on him as well. Either way, he needs proper therapy.
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Old 07-20-2010, 03:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex with my Husband...weird

Thanks for your input. Yeah - I have to say I really get worried about that outcome. He is VERY clean...irons his jeans...even ironed his pants to go hunting with my father. My dad almost died laughing... He is very particular about his clothing and appearance. But, here's what's so weird : he's a physical education major and he has always been "too scared" to go to the gym with me. He's spent 10 years being "too scared" Because I go with my son all the time -- I mentioned his absence in a therapy session. He all of a sudden said that he has a near "phobia" of going to the gym and near weightlifters.

My DH is VERY attractive. He's fortunate that he's naturally thin and has a good appearance. He acts like a child in these weird circumstances though...

He finally went to the gym with us 2 days ago. He said that I needed "to stay with him". He kept saying he was so proud of himself for going on the elicptical trainer for 15 minutes. I tried to be supportive...but I honestly thought I was going to go crazy...listening to all of this bologna. What in the world is with him?

Thanks again.
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Old 07-20-2010, 05:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I understand your view. I do. But, I don't know how to make myself feel any other way. Every time... It's a stilted, staged and uncomfortable situation.

Since he always ends up having me "finish" him before having intercourse.... It leaves me pretty bitter. He says he does all the foreplay etc because it offsets the fact that he can't last long.

I think he wants me to help him masturbate because of the past porn addiction. He also asked me to wear low cut clothing... Get bigger breasts ... And get lip injections

after therapy, he understood how damaging those comments were... And he hasn't said anything similar since then. But it's confusing..would someone who is closeted gay try to instruct me on how to dress, encourage clothing with lots of cleavage... And push plastic surgery?

I don't think he would ACT on his gay fantasies... If they truly exist. But, I just have this weird feeling about our lives. I want to have another child, but I'm scared to commit to that given how tough our marriage is...


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hunt Brown View Post
try this: try reading your post as if your husband had written if and ask yourself how it would make you feel. Imagine if you were laying beside him and he was gritting his teeth...

If it doesn't make you feel great, or even good, or even understood or supported then... maybe you ought to change your approach.

just a thought

Hunt Brown
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Old 07-21-2010, 08:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex with my Husband...weird

Geez.

How much are these therapists making? This isn't exactly rocket science here.

Crysys is right and I can call this from here and you don't have to pay me a dime.

He's a closet/repressed homosexual man and you are caught up in his lie and denial. He can't insert Tab A into Slot B because it goes against his make-up.

I'm sorry to be blunt but that's how I see it.
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Old 07-21-2010, 11:59 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex with my Husband...weird

Well, I don't want to default to that but c'mon. . .if I was ever being raped by another guy and I was drunk I would at least put up a fight and not say, "I was scared."

I don't know. . .I suppose if he was sexually abused it could explain his bizarre behavior but yes. . .ironing his hunting outfit?

That's a big blip on the Gaydar.
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Old 07-21-2010, 12:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex with my Husband...weird

Clearly, something is wrong with your husband. My gut tells me it stretches much farther into the past than the so-called drunken assault.

Whatever it is, he is a repressed man.

I feel sorry for you that you cannot get to the root of the problem together.

Maybe you need to change tactics.
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Old 07-21-2010, 01:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex with my Husband...weird

I vote gay.

he's not the first married gay guy and won't be the last.

he should see a counselor so he can solve these problems himself. Doesn't sound like you can.
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Old 07-21-2010, 04:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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How could I change tactics? What could I do? I want to give this every possible chance... But it's just uncomfortable.



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I vote gay.

he's not the first married gay guy and won't be the last.

he should see a counselor so he can solve these problems himself. Doesn't sound like you can.
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Old 07-22-2010, 07:44 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex with my Husband...weird

Whether he is gay or not, it seems pretty clear that he's got some big time "withholds" in the area of sex. The gym thing is interesting, because it seems like a clue about how he handles things he's afraid of: with avoidance.

It certainly appears that there are a lot of things in the sexual arena that he is afraid to share with you. Maybe those are gay fantasies, maybe they're some other kind of deviance, or maybe he really is simply terrified to disappoint you with bad sex (which he's obviously doing anyway), but the bottom line is that you're never going to solve this in the bedroom until you solve it in communication.

I have shared this thought before, and while it typically goes over poorly, I believe it very strongly to be true: we are each 100% responsible for our own situation and our own relationships. The whole idea of a marriage being "50-50" is devastating. A marriage is a "100% - 0%, 100% - 0%" proposition. In other words, YOU are 100% responsible for your experience of and for the state of your marriage. You are equally 100% responsible for his experience of being married to you, just as he is 100% responsible for his experience and yours. Welcome to the new math of being successfully married.

What all that means is that if you are going to solve this problem, YOU are going to have to make it safe for him to open up to you and start talking completely, powerfully, and resourcefully through it. He won't share whatever is in his head with you because he is afraid of how you will react - whether that's with gritted teeth, rolling eyes, yelling, or whatever else.

I don't say this to excuse his wimpy, weak-willed behavior ONE BIT - after all, he's responsible for your experience of him (and his own experience of the marriage too). But someone has to take the step to make it safe for the other to be vulnerable, to be intimate, to be truthful. That is the hardest thing ever. And because men grow up the way they do, it is MUCH harder for men to express themselves than women. Yes I am generalizing, and you know I'm right.

You need a breakthrough - and you're going to have to cause it. If you're still seeing a counselor, I'd recommend figuring out together how to start making it safe for your husband to share what's really going on. If you're not seeing one anymore, then figure it out on your own. Take baby steps first with him, and make sure you are extremely supportive of his first forays, no matter how small, into sharing himself with you.

The alternative is to pack your stuff and go, because doing the things you've been doing up to now ain't gonna work.
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Old 07-22-2010, 11:32 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I agree with Mal74, except I subscribe to the how-to way of addressing issues. It is correct to say you are equally responsible for your marriage and for the marriage being what it is. It is correct to say you have to fix it and to say you have to try a different approach and all that jazz. I have no doubt you also agree with that. And, I've no doubt you still have no idea what to do. So basically, you've been given most excellent advice.....that you already knew and is the reason you are here.

Reading between the lines of what you wrote, I get a picture of what you didn't write, which is that you fall in the sexually inexperienced category. I read that for a couple reasons: one is that no sexually experienced woman would put up with your husband. Being frustrated is one thing and is bad enough all by itself, but an experienced woman has expectations and knows what it is like to truly be made love to. No way would she bother with this for what sounds like 10 years. The second reason I say is that a sexually experienced woman would not endure this massage thing you describe. Time after time, it goes nowhere and accomplishes nothing, so she would not endure it over and over - getting the message early on that HE doesn't know what he's doing and is not concerned enough to try or to learn. You say he used to be addicted to pornography. Well, unless it was gay porn, he has seen various things to do. Even as bad as pornography is for women, he saw enough to know better than this.

My purpose is to point out that you don't seem to know, due to inexperience, how to guide your husband. If you knew what it takes to please you, then you would not continually wait for him to do it, knowing he isn't going to. You would teach him how to please you instead of ending up frustrated each time he doesn't. Perhaps I got the wrong idea and you have tried to teach him many things. Perhaps doing those things is what you lay patiently waiting for him to do. Perhaps you forgot to mention your input in this area.

About your husband, I am not going to try to address if he is gay or not. I can only say that he is repressed and is extremely fearful. What he told you are not excuses. They are his truth, and you have to understand that. You have been patient albeit without tools, and now all you have to do is believe that he is scared like he says, rather than trying to second guess and figure out everything he says. When a person like him lacks skills, it is easier to do nothing for lack of knowing what to do. That way, there is no effort that fails.

Believing him means knowing marriage counseling cannot help. What you need is sex therapy. A good sex therapist will help you both explore what you both find pleasing in the sexual act and will help him overcome his fear. Apparently, he feels inadequate in a lot of areas, so he needs individual counseling to help with that. But in the bedroom, a sex therapist can help him build his confidence, and confidence is fortified by accomplishment. Once he succeeds at doing things that please you, he will be much more willing to continually do them. See where I'm going? You haven't learned. He hasn't learned. So there's been no success to this point. You both will have a wonderful time exploring and learning together.

It's possible a sex therapist will have a solution for his premature ejaculation but whatever that might be, I am sure he will have to be willing to work at it. And it probably won't be easy, but he will have to commit himself to the task. One probable solution is learning semen retention.

If you are unable to get your husband to participate in sex therapy or commit to the work involved with controlling his orgasms, then I don't know what to think and have no further suggestions besides......err......hypnosis LOL. Maybe you could take that as clear sign he is not interested in you sexually and is actually homosexual. Or, you can take it as him being a thoughtless, inconsiderate, and unconcerned lover. I can't imagine it being anything else.
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Old 07-23-2010, 07:52 AM   #12 (permalink)
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This is all VERY good advice and insight. Thank you for taking the time to help me. To address a few things that were questioned here...Yes, I'd agree that I'm somewhat inexperienced in this area. But only because the people I've been with ...before my husband...I had REAL chemistry with. Maybe it's because it was only a year or so...but I didn't have to work at it. It all just happened naturally. So - I would say I was a bit wild with them...but, only because I felt safe with them. I don't feel safe doing anything adventerous with my husband. He remembers and (often brags about) a time when we were dating where whip cream was used.. THAT to him was REALLY wild.

You ask why I put up with the massage stuff...my husband is so sensitve that I can tell - through therapy - that any disapproval (even guided assistance) hurts his feelings. Yes, I have kindly tried to tell him what to do...or how to do something. I have also kindly asked him not to do the ridiculous massage thing. But, I've said "honey that really ends up tickling me and making me feel on edge".. could you try xyz..... well, he will maybe for a second - but he goes right back to it.

Back story - he's the kind of guy that will insist on giving you a shoulder massage when your neck is sore and you BEG not to rub so hard and he keeps doing it. I actually had a BRUISE On my should one time..from his "massage" (not during intimacy)...but it was a time when I kept begging him to rub softer. He would just tell me that I had a kink in my neck and "needed it". He's not a chiropracter!!!

Anyway -- I have suggested a sex therapist before. He has never jumped on that...I suppose I could try setting it up and see if he actually agrees to go...if I really PUSH him...but I just find the whole dilemma awkward....
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Old 07-25-2010, 08:51 PM   #13 (permalink)
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An update - I had a talk with my husband tonight. It's my 35th bday and we've been waiting to have another child (I was waiting actually) until our marriage felt more secure. Then my sister called to tell me SHE is pregnant... And I broke down in tears. I told my husband that I was so worried that we were never going to get to a secure place. (3 months ago I almost had him move out). He didn't really have much to say .. Except criticize my sister for telling me during the first month. Whatever

When it came to sex, I kindly asked him if he understood why I was frustrated. He said he thought it was because I wasn't interested because I didn't trust him... After finding out about the porn. I told him my trust was not the issue! I asked him if he understood that I didn't Luke his tickle massage... For 30 to 45 minutes. He said he heard me say it tickles and saw me get uncomfortable... But thought I just needed "to give it a chance". He has done this shi@t for months straight! He thought it was just ME it didn't occur to him that I didn't like it ... When I consistently tried to divert him or asked him to "please don't tickle me like that". Dense!!!!!!

As for masturbation... He says it's his fear of rejection. I said well I have told you over and over at home and in therapy that it really bothers me that you don't have intercourse with me... How would that lead you to think I would REJECT you? He said that it's just a "fear he's got to get over". I've never rejected him like that!

What do I do??




Quote:
Originally Posted by Susan2010 View Post
I agree with Mal74, except I subscribe to the how-to way of addressing issues. It is correct to say you are equally responsible for your marriage and for the marriage being what it is. It is correct to say you have to fix it and to say you have to try a different approach and all that jazz. I have no doubt you also agree with that. And, I've no doubt you still have no idea what to do. So basically, you've been given most excellent advice.....that you already knew and is the reason you are here.

Reading between the lines of what you wrote, I get a picture of what you didn't write, which is that you fall in the sexually inexperienced category. I read that for a couple reasons: one is that no sexually experienced woman would put up with your husband. Being frustrated is one thing and is bad enough all by itself, but an experienced woman has expectations and knows what it is like to truly be made love to. No way would she bother with this for what sounds like 10 years. The second reason I say is that a sexually experienced woman would not endure this massage thing you describe. Time after time, it goes nowhere and accomplishes nothing, so she would not endure it over and over - getting the message early on that HE doesn't know what he's doing and is not concerned enough to try or to learn. You say he used to be addicted to pornography. Well, unless it was gay porn, he has seen various things to do. Even as bad as pornography is for women, he saw enough to know better than this.

My purpose is to point out that you don't seem to know, due to inexperience, how to guide your husband. If you knew what it takes to please you, then you would not continually wait for him to do it, knowing he isn't going to. You would teach him how to please you instead of ending up frustrated each time he doesn't. Perhaps I got the wrong idea and you have tried to teach him many things. Perhaps doing those things is what you lay patiently waiting for him to do. Perhaps you forgot to mention your input in this area.

About your husband, I am not going to try to address if he is gay or not. I can only say that he is repressed and is extremely fearful. What he told you are not excuses. They are his truth, and you have to understand that. You have been patient albeit without tools, and now all you have to do is believe that he is scared like he says, rather than trying to second guess and figure out everything he says. When a person like him lacks skills, it is easier to do nothing for lack of knowing what to do. That way, there is no effort that fails.

Believing him means knowing marriage counseling cannot help. What you need is sex therapy. A good sex therapist will help you both explore what you both find pleasing in the sexual act and will help him overcome his fear. Apparently, he feels inadequate in a lot of areas, so he needs individual counseling to help with that. But in the bedroom, a sex therapist can help him build his confidence, and confidence is fortified by accomplishment. Once he succeeds at doing things that please you, he will be much more willing to continually do them. See where I'm going? You haven't learned. He hasn't learned. So there's been no success to this point. You both will have a wonderful time exploring and learning together.

It's possible a sex therapist will have a solution for his premature ejaculation but whatever that might be, I am sure he will have to be willing to work at it. And it probably won't be easy, but he will have to commit himself to the task. One probable solution is learning semen retention.

If you are unable to get your husband to participate in sex therapy or commit to the work involved with controlling his orgasms, then I don't know what to think and have no further suggestions besides......err......hypnosis LOL. Maybe you could take that as clear sign he is not interested in you sexually and is actually homosexual. Or, you can take it as him being a thoughtless, inconsiderate, and unconcerned lover. I can't imagine it being anything else.
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:38 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scannerguard View Post
Well, I don't want to default to that but c'mon. . .if I was ever being raped by another guy and I was drunk I would at least put up a fight and not say, "I was scared."
Would you? That's what I always thought too.

Oh wait. I know. Let's blame the victim! That is always a good plan! </sarcasm>
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:39 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex with my Husband...weird

[QUOTE=wowsers;168430]How could I change tactics? What could I do? I want to give this every possible chance... But it's just uncomfortable.


Get him back in counseling. Why did you guys stop? That might be an interesting thing to explore.
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