Frustrated by lack of passion and bad sex - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-20-2010, 03:13 PM Thread Starter
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Frustrated by lack of passion and bad sex

I am new here and found the forums while searching for advice for my situation. I appreciate all replies.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We met in 2000, had a not-so-good first 2 years, split up for 2 years while he got his act together, got back together in 2004 and married the next year. He is not the same person that he was in the first 2 years, which proved to me that people really can change. We are each others' best friend and now have 2 young children together. I could not imagine not being married to him.

In the 2 years that we were apart, I dated someone that I experienced sexual things with that I never had with anyone before. I was able to orgasm during sex and being with him was literally like being joined with energy. It was amazing, but our lives were on different paths so it never went anywhere. When my husband and I got back together, we never had that honeymoon period of being giddy and butterflies because we were already comfortable with each other. For me, my love for him has been something that has grown over time, but I can say I've never really been head-over-heels in love with him, though I love him with all my heart.

Before we met, he had never really kissed a woman, nor had he even gone down on a woman. He was able to watch a how-to video on that and went from nothing to superstar overnight. And maintained that over the last few years. But we never kiss. He had teeth issues that he finally got under control, but he still has to work hard to not have bad breath and he doesn't put the effort in most of the time. He brings sugary juice to bed, which is something we've argued about on multiple occassions. He doesn't *get* that just brushing his teeth before bed doesn't fix bad breath that still seems to linger. I've tried to teach him how to kiss, but it's like he has amnesia and every time after that he'd be back to doing things "his" way, which are not good. I feel like trying to 'correct' his kissing every time just comes across as criticism, and I got tired of it, so we just don't kiss anymore.

When we have sex, it's always the same position. And him going through the motions rhythmically with his eyes closed, completely silent. And it's a position that doesn't even feel good for me (me on my back, him kneeling in front of me, holding my legs). I've tried pulling him down on top of me so we can be closer, but he just gets back up on his knees. If I go on top, he lays there, eyes closed and silent, with one hand on either of my breasts. Just laying there.

I have tried showing him what I like. I've told him that him taking his hand and roughly mashing it into my crotch and rubbing hard doesn't feel good. But he does it every time anyhow. I've used my hand to show him HOW I like it, and he sometimes will change for that one session but then he's back to the same old the next time. More often than not, I am very sore the next day.

I never orgasm during sex with him, and he probably only goes down on me every few times we are together (which is okay with me), so after we are done, I still want to have my orgasm. He will lay there, head on my shoulders, giving little peck-kisses to my shoulder, while he moves his hand back and forth, lightly brushing my thighs and butt. It's annoying and I find it takes me three times as long to get off, because he is quite obviously spent and not interested in sex anymore.

The worst part? After we have sex, he tells me over and over how amazing I am and how lucky he is to have such an incredibly sexy wife. And I know he means it! He is totally happy with our sex life and I just want to scream because he doesn't get it!

If I hadn't been with that guy while we were apart, perhaps I wouldn't know what I'm missing, but I do. And I want it with my husband. I just don't know where to start. I'm only 30, he is 39, and I can't imagine going through the rest of my life like this.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-21-2010, 08:36 AM
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Re: Frustrated by lack of passion and bad sex

It seems you have showed him what you like. But, have you taken the time to let him know how unhappy and how unfulfilled you are? Talk to him, outside of the bedroom and let him know exactly what you've said here and ask him what he's willing to do to create a more fulfilling sex life for you.

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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-21-2010, 10:47 AM
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Re: Frustrated by lack of passion and bad sex

I agree. It seems like he wants to please you. I think that the desire is there, but he just is lacking on technique.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-22-2010, 12:29 AM
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Re: Frustrated by lack of passion and bad sex

Have you two tried watching videos on sex? I know there are quite a few out there from educational to just crazy stuff. I know that is something that helped us in our intimacy.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-23-2010, 07:02 AM
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Re: Frustrated by lack of passion and bad sex

Originally Posted by AmorousWarrior View Post
I agree. It seems like he wants to please you. I think that the desire is there, but he just is lacking on technique.

This sounds like the case. Do share with him how much you love him & want him - but you need yours too! Nothing wrong with some learning & exploring different ways.

See if he is willing to watch sex technique dvds with you. We rent from a Porn site (not sure if this is offensive to you or not ?) but it has a tremendous collection of DVD's on the How to's of everything & anything sexual, many have real married couples demonstrating. I would say this would be the cheapest way to go - to rent a nice variety. Check out , and look under their Instructional DVD's & see the exhaustive list. We have Rented a ton of these & got alot of new ideas. Here is a link to a non-porn site that has a nice list of what is available instructionally - BlueDoor has most of these & more :
Better Sex Video Series Instructional Intimate Sex Videos
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-11-2010, 02:11 PM
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Re: Frustrated by lack of passion and bad sex

So you was with a man when you two was separation.And you are missing what not in your life.It's sound like there was other thing wrong before this happen.This man can only be him self,maybe he can learn maybe not. How come everybody or some people get separation and one of the first things that happens is we F$%^&*k somebody els and that going to make my marriage work.You said you now know what you are missing and that what you want.I just don't see this man being Abel to do this.You are being unfair.Yes you don't get along with this man sexually and that was before this other man,and by being with this other man just has made this worst.If you want this man that your with you better do some soul searching and decide.You was not happy before and it sound like you didn't know yourself that go either.Good luck.....P.S. Please look at your needs.No one saying you need to settle.You either love this man or you don't.I wonder what the other side would say.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-11-2010, 06:38 PM
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Re: Frustrated by lack of passion and bad sex

You'll eventually give your husband the:

I Love you but I'm not in love with you speech in the future because of this. He's the love of my life, I love him with all my heart but I gotta follow what's between my legs.

Sorry to be harsh but it will happen. If you've even posted about it, it's already a huge problem on your end. You need to address this and quick.

Men are dense in bed sometimes, it took my wife to literally, strip down, get on her back and point and touch and point and tell me what she wants done. I'm like WTF, I gotta relearn all this crap all over again from one girl to the next (she wasn't my wife yet back then when she did this). Now a days I can tell from the movement of her hips, her breathing how she throws her head back or to the side and react accordingly. It's not rocket science really, if you do it this way and she just lays there, you change it up until you get a reaction. Trial and error.

For guys it's easy, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in out. Just change positions from time to time but it's still in, out, in, out and we'll eventually get there

Men are like dogs, once we're trained one way, getting us re-trained is a very long and exhausting process.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 07:52 AM
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Re: Frustrated by lack of passion and bad sex

This all sounds like you've criticized him to the point where he fears doing anything at all, trying to avoid to displease you. I may be wrong but this is exactly what i understand from your post. He just lays there motionless and silent because it's the easiest way to avoid conflict or screwing up.
I'm not trying to criticize you, but you kept telling him he's doing it wrong. Both with words and behaviour, from what you describe. First he didn't know how to kiss, then he learned and his breath smelled, he'd brush his teeth to fix it, didn't work ...more criticism. So what your husband may be thinking right now is 'why bother, if i can't do anything right?'. This can obviously kill any kind of initiative, especially in bed where people are particularly vulnerable to criticism.

- When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another. -
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-15-2010, 07:32 PM
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Re: Frustrated by lack of passion and bad sex

It's easy to imagine how much better things would be if things were not the way they are, but unfortunately, you only get to live the life you have. IMHO, you are way ahead of the game because you have a honest desire to have a satisfying sex life and you're married to someone who wants to and is capable of having sex with you. Believe me, you could do a lot worse.

It appears to me that there may be some interest on your part in rating or comparing your husband that may be side-tracking your intimate goals. Forget about this stuff and focus on the matter at hand, which is getting you off. Never underestimate how dense and incompetent a partner can be. Work with what you have and don't let up until you start getting the results you are looking for. I think a focused effort to solve your difficulties will be successful in a much shorter time that you might think.
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