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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

View Poll Results: Do you think 20 lbs. gained after 16 years of marriage is too much?
Yes, loose it. 24 32.88%
No, he needs to back off, it cold be worse. 28 38.36%
What does he look like? 13 17.81%
Keep trying and keep your head up. 13 17.81%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 73. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 08-27-2010, 04:10 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

Did he actually say "I won't have sex with you until you lose 20 pounds?" Maybe you should say "I won't have sex with you either unless YOU lose 20 pounds." and then try to laugh it off and eat healthier & work out together. Stay strong : )
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Old 08-28-2010, 11:13 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

Your husband's approach could use some real work. It sounds like he's no Mr. Universe either.

However, please do consider that men are probably a thousand times more sensitive about a woman's weight than women tend to be about theirs. If a husband loses attraction to his wife, it will be extremely stressful on the marriage. Even making an effort counts for something. For years my wife would not make any effort at all to be fit, and you just can't imagine how badly it hurt MY self-esteem (strangely enough). Yes we men have feelings too.

Best if you can both be honest and state where you're coming from, then work on things together. It does need to be a two-way street however.


Good luck,
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Old 08-29-2010, 09:22 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

He won't have sex with you till you lose 20 lbs? How about, "I'll cook again when you have six pack abs."
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Old 08-31-2010, 02:52 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

I think if you have gained weight because you are being slovenly then he may have a point. If you trully struggle with weight and honestly try then i think this is a little insensitive.

Only you know the honest answer.

Agree with others. Lose it for you and not him. You will feel better.
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Old 09-03-2010, 09:37 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

One day I was discussing this with my husband. I asked him why men don't want to have sex with their wives. My husband gave me many reasons. One of them was that women are not appealing to their men anymore. I am sorry that I have to be so blunt. Men like to see something tasty in front of them so they have good appetite. My husband really encourages me to keep fit. And I like to see a sexy husband in bed too. I don't think I have much appetite for big men.
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Old 09-03-2010, 03:59 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

My husband fell inlove with me while I was being a surrogate for another couple. He loved my changing body at the begining and then we got pregnant pretty much right away after that. I had no chance to lose baby weight before another baby. So now 2 years later from having our child I still weigh about the same as I did when I had her and he loves every ounce of me.

For me true love is if the man that married you love you for you and not what you look like.
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Old 09-08-2010, 07:56 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

In a similar situation here and its not good or easy to work though, well not in my case.

Married 20 years, my wife put gradually on about 90lbs some 8 years after our wedding.
We are still together but only just. The weight gain has always been an issue for me and we gradually stopped intimacy, i did not withhold it but didn't go out of my way to get it either. I really saw this as a short term thing until she lost the weight but she does not have any will power to succeed on a diet, all attempts fail within days. She sees my feelings as rejection. I have encouraged her to work at it for her and for our relationship but it's no use she clearly doesn't see it from my point of view. I feel very guilty that i cannot find it in myself to be attracted to her in the same way as we once were but i cant change how i feel - i really wish i could. I also feel hurt that despite her knowing how important this is to me and to our future lives she has never once put any real effort into tackling the weight. The marriage has suffered to the point of no return i now believe. Her view is that my love for her should be unconditional and i should love and want her fat or thin, maybe she's right - i am not saying a i am right or she is wrong etc. but merely pointing out how important the issue is within a relationship. My love for her is now a bit like the way i feel about a good friend. We now live as roommates, my desire for her has died over time and without any changes in our situation i doubt it can return but i still believe we could work things through, work-out together at the gym etc. and really make it happen but she is not keen or willing to try.

Very sad really and i feel like i am to blame if i am honest. I never thought i would ever be in this position.

Last edited by petesplace; 09-08-2010 at 08:01 PM.
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Old 09-09-2010, 12:02 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

Mr. B. is this real true "Men's primary sexual sense is the visual" i havent post my story yet but i am sure i will need your advise. No so sure if i agree with you but Hmmm It may be true. I sure need some advise from males. my h lost intersting in me long time ago. I just dont get it. well is a long story i will post it soon.....
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Old 09-09-2010, 12:16 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

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Originally Posted by franklinfx View Post
I voted to lose the weight for you, and him, your health and your husband are both important to you, right? hey you might even inspire him to get off his ass. sorry to be harsh, but @ 5'3", 160 is too heavy, even 140 is a little chunky. Now dont get me wrong, whats inside is important too, its not just about looks, but most women will look much better, thinner. my wife is a PT cert. trainer, and has a diet cert aswell, we both know alot about fitness & nutrition, and our bodies show it. trust me when I tell you that exercise is only about 30% of the equation, you NEED to change your diet and permanently! Do these things and you WILL get results.

- Cut out all deserts, chips, cakes, ice cream, crakers etc. even that low fat, whole grain BS , dried fruit is also very bad (loaded w/ sugar!) snack on fresh,LOW SUGAR content fruits, and all natural FF yogurt. all natural p-nut butter is OK in moderation.

-eat B-fast as soon as you wake up to keep your blood sugar in check and prevent fat storage.

- cut down on the amount of food you eat during meals ,just eat enough to feel moderately full ,then go do something to get your mind off food

- raise your protein intake, fish, lean chicken

-CUT YOUR CARBS!, NO potatos, white rice, and for gods sake, no bread or pasta of any kind, ever!!!!! try brown rice or quinoa instead and stick to the serving size.

-Use salsa , NOT KATSUP(high in sugar), use mustard(dijon) NOT MAYO, and no creamy dressings, use vinegar and Olive oil.

- Do some cardiovascular exercise within 2 hours before your biggest meal of the day.

-COOK! DONT EAT OUT!...and if you do, stick w/ steamed chinese


do all that, and then go work those buns and abs!
Good luck


-
thanks a lot,,, i know this respond wasn't for me I find this very very helpful. I will print this out and put it on my kitchen I am sure it will help. i been trying to loose some lbs. and everything i do it does not work for me, so i starte taking some pills they were working for the first 3 wks, but not no more, I hope this works thanks

Last edited by LisaMarie; 09-09-2010 at 12:25 AM. Reason: did not write anything
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Old 09-09-2010, 12:45 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

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Originally Posted by petesplace View Post
In a similar situation here and its not good or easy to work though, well not in my case.

Married 20 years, my wife put gradually on about 90lbs some 8 years after our wedding.
We are still together but only just. The weight gain has always been an issue for me and we gradually stopped intimacy, i did not withhold it but didn't go out of my way to get it either. I really saw this as a short term thing until she lost the weight but she does not have any will power to succeed on a diet, all attempts fail within days. She sees my feelings as rejection. I have encouraged her to work at it for her and for our relationship but it's no use she clearly doesn't see it from my point of view. I feel very guilty that i cannot find it in myself to be attracted to her in the same way as we once were but i cant change how i feel - i really wish i could. I also feel hurt that despite her knowing how important this is to me and to our future lives she has never once put any real effort into tackling the weight. The marriage has suffered to the point of no return i now believe. Her view is that my love for her should be unconditional and i should love and want her fat or thin, maybe she's right - i am not saying a i am right or she is wrong etc. but merely pointing out how important the issue is within a relationship. My love for her is now a bit like the way i feel about a good friend. We now live as roommates, my desire for her has died over time and without any changes in our situation i doubt it can return but i still believe we could work things through, work-out together at the gym etc. and really make it happen but she is not keen or willing to try.

Very sad really and i feel like i am to blame if i am honest. I never thought i would ever be in this position.
hi petesplace, The weight gain is really an issue for husbands? does this really stopped intimacy with your wife? wow i kind of have the same problem and i keep asking him how come he dont touch me nomore I even told him if he is not attracting to me no more to separate, and he keep telling me is not me is him because his work and stress... he said he love me and he will never leave me. well i dont know what to believe I know that.. well i think he is not cheathing, everything is so perfect in my relationship is just the sex is an issue. Wow i love this site i am sure i can find some good advise here, so many issues with other people I dont feel alone nomore.
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Old 09-09-2010, 12:37 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

Losing excess weight will have so many benefits for you: boost of self-confidence, better fitting clothes, more energy & better overall health. If you can truely do it for you, you will feel a great sense of accomplishment, especially because you rose above the negative comments from your husband and didn't let it slow you down!
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Old 09-09-2010, 02:29 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

Clearly it is tough being a women. Society puts unrealistic expectations on how you should look. The media parades genetically-gifted and/or women in their 20s as the norm/ideal. Since gravity and slowing metablolizms will "typically" make this challanging to look good for women as they age it make things that much tougher. Again my sympathies for the cross you all collectively bear.

Having said that and being perfectly blunt here, many husbands are become quietly uninterested when their wives become overwieght. In extreme cases they may even become disgusted. They fear saying anything. When asked "does this dress make me look fat" they think "it is not the dress is is your f*)ing lack of exercise and eating/drinking habbits that makes you look fat". Instead they say nothing in fear of starting world war 3 or want to spare her feelings or just want to prevent having to endure her trying on 10 other outfits to find one that is most forgiving.

You are not alone. I struggle with weight my genetics are not great. If I were not super careful i would go from 200 to 250 in a couple of years. To put that into perspective if i were in great shap i would be 185is. I work out and try and count calories(literally). I won't kid you it can be a drag sometimes. With my own business working 70hrs/week and small children it is a real grind to find time. However, it is important to me for health reasons and I want to look good for myself. My wife has put on weight and I have let her know by example and in my words it is important to me for us to stay healthy and thin. She has recently been trying. I can't say however, that i have not swalled my words when she asks me about her appearance. Perhaps your husbands words are hurtful and his tactics unfair but, it sounds like he has strongly hinted by commenting on your eating habits. At least he is not lying to blaming low lack of interest in sex while geting his outlet somewhere else. We have all heard/read about that scenario.

Like others have said do it for yourself not him. Hope it all works out for you.
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Old 09-10-2010, 01:53 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

I have three children and it seemed like with each child I gained a healthy 15 - 20 pounds I couldn't keep off. My husband never found me unattractive although, if I be honest, I would find myself trying to do certain positions to cover myself and was mortified when he would change things to make my body more revealed.

A few years ago I was browsing websites and came across a bmi calculator and when I put my digits in I realized I was "obese". I couldn't believe it as I truly had no idea. I was 5 foot 6 inches and 185 pounds. Now I've lost more than 50 pounds and I'm actually less than I was when my husband and I married...also in better shape.

I didn't do it for him and he was by my side through the entire journey. In the end, I felt more desireable and our sex life became more enjoyable for me which in turn made it more enjoyable for him. He often tells me he can't believe our sex life has gotten better than when we first were married.

My whole point was that you should do it for you but your husband is a big *** for not supporting you. I know many disagree and think it's perfectly acceptable for a man to ditch a fat woman but I totally disagree. I think they are shallow and the relationship was founded in shallow water and so it never had a chance to swim.

Do it for you and remember that you can do it. I used Weight Watchers at first but after the first year the gym and food changes became a natural part of my life. It's been three years and I've kept the weight off. Find resolve within yourself and realize it's self control.

If you need support or tools send me a pm. I have great spreadsheets and other info that I used during my first year.

When you're done with your weightloss journey, or even while you're on it, you'll have a chance to evaluate your husband and decide if he's extra weight you've been carrying around as well.
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Old 09-10-2010, 01:57 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

Oooh, also wanted to add that 20lbs is not that much at all!
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Old 09-24-2010, 12:28 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband won't have sex because I have gained 20 lbs.

I felt compelled to write as I am familiar with this scenario and I voted against losing the weight. It was April 09 when this came to the surface of my marriage at which point I had gained about 3 pounds in two years of marriage. Not a great amount but enough for my husband to have left me alone in bed to look at porn on a Sunday morning. After my initial hysterical fit, it finally came out that he was no longer attracted to my body, he was annoyed I persisted in smoking and had generally let myself go. I tried to listen to him, especially since he said he didn't feel there was any point telling me as I had failed to act on his prior request to lose weight and this had added to his hurt and resentment.

I felt as if my world had just crashed, unbelievably hurt and feeling conditionally loved, I decided to join the gym. I lost some of the weight, tried to stop smoking, organised a solo trip overseas to flaunt my independence and we went to a marriage therapist for five months to deal with the huge amount of anger and resentment I now felt towards him.

Fast track to Sept 2010, I have gained all of that weight and an extra 4 pounds, my gym membership expires today and I am sexually invisible to my husband. I had started to lose the weight again this year and was succeeding but my motivation was to get his approval, not for myself. The one thing I have learnt is donít lose the weight unless it is for you! You need to want it for yourself or you are wasting your energy and time.
This time around, my husband doesn't want to talk about our issues. He wants to play "Happy Families" just to avoid the dramas that played out and this scares me. Reading petesplace comments made me sad, I see my husband in his comments and since I canít talk to him, these would be my replys:

petesplace "The weight gain has always been an issue for me and we gradually stopped intimacy, I did not withhold it but didn't go out of my way to get it either. she does not have any will power to succeed on a diet, all attempts fail within days. She sees my feelings as rejection."

I cant lose my weight for my husband...My weight has fluctuated for years, I eat to keep my emotions at bay, that flab is my protection, its also a sign of how much I am hurting inside, therefore, when I expose my naked vulnerability to my husband, I need him to show me he loves me in spite of my weakness, in spite of my own self hatred. I need his love to take away my doubts, instead I feel his rejection as he kisses my cheek and says good night or worst, as he goes thru the motions and all I can think about is how revolted he is by my body and how much I need his love.

Petesplace - Is it possible that your wife is already feeling awful about herself and in her time of need, instead of being there to show her she is loved, that she is deserving of your love... you are as much to blame for the weight gain as her "lack of self control"?

petesplace "she clearly doesn't see it from my point of view."
I could rant and rave about this but the honest truth is..we donít or canít see it from your point of view. Women are not as visual as men. My husband is not as slim and doesn't have as much hair as he did in his twenties, but that means nothing to me. Because it means nothing to me... It is so hurtful to me that it is important to him. It makes me question his love...why is it so different to mine? Does he actually love me? This creates distrust and resentment.

petesplace" -I feel very guilty that I cannot find it in myself to be attracted to her in the same way as we once were but I canít change how I feel - I really wish I could."

I know thatís exactly how my husband feels. He doesn't want to be the one hurting me, hence, the guilt. I have shamed my husband for his feelings, its easy to do...how can you be so superficial etc.. I too want a knight in shining amour to love me no matter what... I look at couples where the woman is chubbier than me and has an adoring partner with envy and feel very unloved. I now get resentful when other men look at me because the only man in my life who counts doesn't. In order to change this, I need to change myself for him and that goes against my fundamental understanding of love. This is my dilemmaÖ

petesplace"I also feel hurt that despite her knowing how important this is to me and to our future lives she has never once put any real effort into tackling the weight."

Could it be that whilst this is important to you, it may be of equal or even greater importance to her that she not need to change herself to deserve your love and that doing so goes against her understanding of love. Why canít you understand that maybe the weight is not about you, itís not about keeping it on to hurt you or the marriage. It is a symptom of something else that is going on with her.. why donít you try and find out what that is.. Be her friend and help her work it out without judgement


Petesplace "My love for her is now a bit like the way i feel about a good friend. We now live as roommates, my desire for her has died over time and without any changes in our situation I doubt it can return but I still believe we could work things through, work-out together at the gym etc. and really make it happen but she is not keen or willing to try."

My marriage is in the same disarray. I have a roommate not a husband. My husband is waiting to see me make changes in myself, my weight, my smoking and I donít feel like making those changes. WHY ? Not because I am happy with the situation because I am not...But, I resent him. I feel short-changed; I feel his love is conditional. I have no desire to go work out at the gym with him. Your marriage needs as much work as mine but youíre focusing your efforts in the wrong direction. Look, I cant even speak to my husband about these issues so I am not judging but maybe you should be organising date nights together, a spontaneous picnic, try to rebuild some emotional intimacy because even thought you feel she is hurting you with her inaction, I know that if she loves you even half as much as I love my husband, your words or lack off, your actions or lack off, would be like taking a knife and hacking at her heart. Itís not a good or easy situation I agree, but you canít ask for an expression of love when you have just left a person wondering if they have already foolishly loved and trusted you.

Anyway, petesplace ĖI hope you get something from this, it has been quite cathartic to write this. Talk to your wife and hopefully your situation improves. I know the longer mine festers the worst things will get.. Thank you for your honesty, I can tell your a good man.
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