Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I'm a man that's married to a beautiful woman. She tries her ass off for our relationship. I feel that I do, too. There's several problems though. She sometimes needs a jumpstart to have an orgasm by using a vibrator, however she completely stopped using a vibrator and only uses a dildo because that's all she has. I sometimes need a jumpstart by looking at porn. I'm okay with her using a toy with or without me however many times she wants because I understand that sometimes people need a release. She won't afford me the same courtesy. I feel that it's very hypocritical that she wants to use a toy but trips out when I watch porn. We both use the external stimulation about the same amount, appx. 2 times a month. When she doesn't make things terrible about this issue, we have a great sex life, about 5 times a week, and it really is passionate, satisfying sex. When she trips out about this issue, sex drops to about twice a month, maybe less. I can't help but feel that it's just a control issue with her. This is not the only control issue in our relationship, but it's one that really bothers me. I want her to be satisfied, and if she sometimes need to use a toy to have an orgasm, I'm cool with that. I wish that she would return the respect and courtesy.
She says that she doesn't want me getting stimulated by other women, but I say that there's no real difference between looking at fake sexual situations and using a fake vibrating penis. One is external physical stimulation, and one is external mental stimulation.
She would rather give up a healthy sexual relationship with me than to work with me on this issue. There's so many sides to this issue, I just wish that a woman would/could be secure enough with themselves to accept that men don't watch porn to mentally cheat on their partners.
It's to the point where she has put parental controls on the computer and I've thrown out her toys. When she took off the parental controls, I said she could buy a new toy. She was so adamant about getting a new toy that she wanted to stop at a sex store with the kids in the car in order to buy one. I feel that she doesn't care about me and how I feel, so I shut down and stop caring about how she feels.
I could go on and on about this but I'll cut it as short as possible. She and I are both very sexual, with about the same levels of sex drives. If she could accept me and my need to privately release sometimes, like I accept her using a toy to release, then so many problems would go away. The more she pushes this issue, the farther she pushes me away.
Like I said, this is not the only control issue that has come up, but it's one that I feel strongly about. Other than this, she and I are very happy with each other, 95 percent of the time anyway. She has stated that in most other relationships that she's had, she's needed to be the dominant one, but in this relationship she wanted a man to step up and not let her dominate everything all the time, and that's one of the reasons she's with me, because I won't. This freaking sucks. It's to the point where I just want out. I would rather work it out with the woman I love, but it's getting to the point where she just complains about everything and I have absolutely no freedom, to include my private time in the bathroom. I just want her to accept me like I accept her. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks guys.
Wow! It is really awful that things have come to this point. I'm not sure my viewpoint can really be helpful, but I will try.
When my husband views BDSM porn on the internet on a daily basis and doesn't do other things that need to be done to meet our unified goals I feel hurt. I am really not big on toys. I own one vibrator, and I use it maybe once a year. I would rather just masterbate and use my hands.
Even though things seem to have gone way to far in this fight between porn and toys, I think something is being overlooked. It doesn't seem to really bother you that she uses the toys, so why would you want to deny her that? The porn seems to really bother her, although I don't see whats wrong with it a couple times a week or even more if yall were viewing together. I also have to say that even though I am not really into porn either, I certainly fantasize about other people real and imaginary. I don't think there is really a big difference in porn and fantasies. Maybe people who turn to porn don't have much of an imagination?
I'm not sure if your relationship can be saved, if what seems like such a minor problem has become so volatile. You and her should be building each other up not destroying each other. If it is too much for you to give up the porn (really is it that great?) for her and it is too hard for her to give you a little slack and let you view it occaisionally, maybe you need to reevaluate yourselves. How much do yall love each other? What is the other willing to do, to keep the other one happy? Try giving yourselves to each other instead of fighting over the small things. I think you should try and want to do what makes her happy. I also think she should want to do the same for you.
There is no comparison between a sex toy and porn. Your wife feels toys are okay - so get a toy, they have many for men to use for self pleasure too.
Find erotic avenues that aren't "porn". Many women don't feel comfortable with computer porn as it's too "up close and personal", but what about magazines, DVDs, erotica?
Your wife obviously has feelings that inhibit her being comfortable knowing you are getting off watching another woman. Right or wrong - her feelings are her feelings and feelings don't change just because you say they should. So, what can you do that you will be more happy with, and she will still feel as if her feelings are being honored as well?
__________________ They say you are what you eat, so why not eat to promote passion, ultimate health and the utmost of sensuality? Plateful of Passion is The Guide to Creating Sensual Enhancement through your diet and how everyday foods can boost libido, and greatly improve your sex life featuring over 100 recipes!
There is no comparison between a sex toy and porn. Your wife feels toys are okay - so get a toy, they have many for men to use for self pleasure too.
Find erotic avenues that aren't "porn". Many women don't feel comfortable with computer porn as it's too "up close and personal", but what about magazines, DVDs, erotica?
Your wife obviously has feelings that inhibit her being comfortable knowing you are getting off watching another woman. Right or wrong - her feelings are her feelings and feelings don't change just because you say they should. So, what can you do that you will be more happy with, and she will still feel as if her feelings are being honored as well?
The comparison between sex toy and porn is valid when you look at it like this: neither one is worth worrying about.
Why are her feelings about the appropriateness of a once every two week porn session more important than his opinion on the topic?
I'm sorry but to most women I know, there is a difference between a sex toy and porn. The "toy" doesn't really resemble even close a guy ... it has no face, no body, no expressions...etc. It's not "real". Porn girls are real and there are MANY to choose from at any time. I say get your own sex toy, there are many out there. That would be equal.
Neither one of their feelings are more important than the other, but obviously she is very upset by the porn use.
The bottom line is that the porn is turning her off to her husband. Those feelings she has about it are very real feelings, not some power struggle or control game, but valid feelings that she may not even prefer to feel. But they are there and strong enough for her that she's at the point of putting an ultimatum out about it.
So, what does he do about those feelings? Does he decide that he loves his wife enough to try to find some other outlet that doesn't freak her out, or give her the impression that her feelings don't matter, stick with the porn, and risk having a resentful partner that doesn't want to touch him?
That is not about whose feelings are more important, I'd be willing to bet the wife wants to feel that her feelings are more important to her husband than the porn is though.
__________________ They say you are what you eat, so why not eat to promote passion, ultimate health and the utmost of sensuality? Plateful of Passion is The Guide to Creating Sensual Enhancement through your diet and how everyday foods can boost libido, and greatly improve your sex life featuring over 100 recipes!
Neither one of their feelings are more important than the other, but obviously she is very upset by the porn use.
The bottom line is that the porn is turning her off to her husband. Those feelings she has about it are very real feelings, not some power struggle or control game, but valid feelings that she may not even prefer to feel. But they are there and strong enough for her that she's at the point of putting an ultimatum out about it.
So, what does he do about those feelings? Does he decide that he loves his wife enough to try to find some other outlet that doesn't freak her out, or give her the impression that her feelings don't matter, stick with the porn, and risk having a resentful partner that doesn't want to touch him?
That is not about whose feelings are more important, I'd be willing to bet the wife wants to feel that her feelings are more important to her husband than the porn is though.
10000% agreed, now if only guys could see it that way
Well thank you for the compliment and acknowledging how hard I really do try for our relationship. However, I don’t always feel it’s mutual in this aspect. We really do have a great relationship with the exception of this issue that has continued to linger for quite some time. When we aren’t arguing over these issues we do have a great sex life, enjoy spending time together and have fun with our family.
What my darling husband neglected to include is that I don’t need a “jumpstart” by using a vibrator. I’m perfectly capable of getting excited by him and him alone. When we first met I used them and it desensitized me and made it difficult to climax when we were intimate. We had an argument about his watching porn and he threw my vibrator out (after not using it for more than 3 months). I could have since then bought another one, but I know that I want our time together to be more enjoyable for both of us and felt the vibrator usage was affecting that. I now only have a dildo, I feel it’s closer to the real thing and doesn’t set him up for any unreasonable expectations. He of course does not have a problem with me using any toy, but the difference is that I prefer to be with him instead of by myself. He has chosen to jerk off to porn by himself on numerous occasions, when I have been nearby and I always make myself available to him. Of course, that’s going to hurt me, I want my husband to want to be with me instead of watching porn, who wouldn’t? It’s not like I limit what we can do in the bedroom, I’m open and up for anything when it comes to our sex life and he knows that. I have read some posts on here where wives don’t mind their husbands watching because they watch acts that the wives don’t feel comfortable acting out in the bedroom, that’s not the case with us.
He also stated that he sometimes needs a “jumpstart” by watching porn and that’s not the case either, he doesn’t have any issues getting excited when we’re together nor does he have any issues climaxing, he simply wants to watch and chooses to do so. I feel I am not being hypocritical about this because I have said, “you know what, since you equate my using a toy to you watching porn, it’s only fair that I throw my toy away because I am asking you not to watch porn because of how it makes me feel”. I HAVE NO ISSUE AT ALL WITH HIM SIMPLY MASTURBATING. I completely understand it’s normal and part of being human, I’m not asking him to stop masturbating at all. He’s making it seem like I’m asking him to stop masturbating completely, so that leads me to this question…Is something off if he can only masturbate to live porn? He’s said when he doesn’t use anything or uses something else that it’s just not enjoyable. Another question- if we’re having sex and making love every single day, sometimes several times a day, why does he still feel the need to jerk off to porn in between?
For those of you that have read my previous threads on here you would know that I have done so much to compromise on this issue. He has made all of the following statements, telling me that if I do this or if I do that, then he would have no reason to watch porn, but still does. Of course, when he puts it that way and I do everything he asks and nothing makes him stop, I’m going to feel insecure and like I’m not good enough.-
1. “I watch porn because it’s so much easier than dealing with you”
2. “I watch porn because it’s just a way for me to get off really quick and go about my day” (why can’t we have a quickie? I make myself available to him 24/7!)
3. “If you were to make some videos for me, I would much rather watch videos of you then the porn”… but clearly that’s not the case
4. “I only watch porn for the situations that the people are in, not the specific people”, although he has continuously watched the same w***** time after time in porn (I try asking him what these specific situations are, make a video and he still prefers to watch them and not me…?)
5. “If I felt you completely understood why I jerked off to porn and you were still hurt by it, then I would consider cutting down”
6. “I can’t promise that I’ll never look at it ever again, I don’t know if I’ll want to a week from now, a month or six months from now”
7. “If our sex life continues to be this great, then I have no reason to watch porn at all” (and yet he still did after having sex every single day, several times a day, that week- view post from “Please help with porn issue” on July 24)
8. “I don’t think you are really upset by me watching porn, I just think you want to control everything that I do and you crying is how you try to control what I do”
9. “I’m a grown man and can do what I want (even if it hurts me?), I should have complete freedom within our marriage if it’s between you and me” (since when is him jerking off alone to porn between us)
I have bought a ton of lingerie and costumes that he has said really turn him on, I have completely taken any pressure off me climaxing during sex and made it all about him every single time, I have made home videos for his viewing only (I even asked which parts were his favorite so I could put more focus on those things in the next one- didn’t get much of a response other than he liked one part) and yet he still chooses to watch porn. I have major issues with him being stimulated by watching other women because he has associated so much negativity to him watching, making me feel more insecure than I ever have before by saying all of these things.
Yes, to me it does feel like he’s cheating, what’s the difference really? He’s getting off on watching other women in situations and I’ve offered him videos of me doing the same things, yet he doesn’t want to watch them or doesn’t get off when he does watch them and turns to porn. If he’s watching porn with just a chick masturbating and getting off on that, why can’t he when he watches my videos? I’ve asked him what’s so special, he’s told me and I’ve done all of those things, but it’s not working!
He’s said there’s no difference between him watching porn and me having a toy, but I would rather give up my toy and not feel so f****** hurt by this anymore, but again he neglected to mention that. Making it seem like I’ve insisted on keeping this toy, but I haven’t, I’ve consistently said if you stop watching I’ll throw it away in a heartbeat.
Of course I would much rather him be stimulated by me instead of wh**** and I’ve consistently done everything that he’s asked, I’ve understood where he’s coming from, I’ve bought lingerie, wear my hear the way he likes it, wear short skirts everyday, wear shirts accentuating my breasts as he likes that, made videos for him, taken off all pressure in the bedroom completely, I don’t really care whether or not I have an orgasm anymore, I just want for our sex life to be enjoyable for both of us. He’s had so many different excuses and reasons for watching porn and I’ve made so many compromises, including saying you know what go ahead and watch because you will anyway and every single time I’ve done that, he will watch porn every single day several times a day and still tries to say that he does not have a problem with it. If I’ve made this compromise with him and then gotten fed up because it gets out of hand, why is it so hard for him to say you know what, you’ve really done so much to try and please me not thinking of yourself at all, so me watching porn is not important to me at all, I’ll stop because I don’t want to hurt you anymore.
I’m not choosing to give up a healthy sexual relationship, I’ve been working with him on this for a while and I’ve done absolutely everything he’s said would make him stop, but he still watches porn. OF COURSE I’m going to feel insecure about it with him, he says all of these things will make him stop and have no need to watch it, but I’ve done all of them and he still wants to watch it! He’s setting me up for failure everytime he makes another excuse so I’m feeling like what did I do wrong or what more can I do? This isn’t a typical oh I feel insecure because he watches porn and I don’t feel like I measure up, that’s BS. I’m much better looking, in much better shape and HIS WIFE, the things that he’s been doing and saying are making me feel this way.
Up until about two weeks ago, as far as I know he hadn’t been watching and our sex life was incredible. He brought this issue up and has been fighting it since. He’s said well, I’ve wanted to and thought about it, but am not going to until we get this resolved because I don’t want to hurt you anymore. He also said that he’s avoided certain websites and sections of websites “because of how they make him feel”. This tells me that they are uncontrollable urges and it’s a problem!
This isn’t a situation where I want one of us to be right and the other to be wrong, I don’t want for there to be a winner. I just want for both of us to be happy and not be hurt by what he does. He said in his post that “I don’t work with him on this”, but I’ve done nothing but work with him…he has yet to make a compromise with me. He expects me to completely give in, but I’ve done that and it gets out of hand and I don’t know what to do. Maybe I would feel more secure about it if he hadn’t said so many negative things to me, like it’s so much easier watching porn and I don’t have to deal with you. Well yea he doesn’t like dealing with me when I’m upset about him watching porn! I’ve not ever had this issue in my life with anyone, but he can be so cruel about it, will do it when we’ve fought just to upset me and frequently done that. Of course I’m going to be hurt by that, who wouldn’t?
For all of the married men and women out there…what am I doing wrong? Why won’t he just stop because he knows how much it hurts me?
In my previous posts, yes I’ve admitted to putting programs and parental controls on the computer, but he also knew about them and would purposely watch porn to upset me and it seriously sucked. The parental controls weren’t on the computer for long and he continued to watch even long after I didn’t have a toy, but that didn’t matter to him, he still did it anyway. As far as buying a new toy went, we were on our way home from vacation, we were passing a sex store and HE ASKED IF I WANTED TO STOP, I said yes, our kids were fast asleep in the backseat and it’s not like I would have brought them in. Before we could even stop he said, “if you get a toy that means I get to watch porn whenever I want”. So I said, “I don’t need a toy, I’ve done without this long, it’s not that important to me, I’d rather not be hurt”.
I see nothing wrong with him “privately releasing” sometimes, but the porn thing is ridiculous. Read my past posts, he decided to leave our 3 & 4 yr old in the living room watching tv to go into the bathroom for half an hour and jerk off to porn not even 20 minutes after I left the house like 2 months ago. Our kids do not sit still for anything, they get up and get into everything imaginable…even if the tv is on. Is it too much to ask that he not watch porn AT ALL while our children are awake?!?! He’s also watched it outside on the patio with our children in the yard playing, I’ve been there while he’s done it and had to say, “look you should not be looking at this with the kids right there, that’s messed up, you need to close it”. Yet he would still sit there and watch. If I went to close the computer it would only start an argument, but am I supposed to risk the kids seeing this stuff? He said I handled it the right way by letting him look and close it when he was ready. This doesn’t constitute a problem?! How can he even get turned on in the slightest with the kids 6ft away in the yard?!?! He did that a few times, but hasn’t done it since.
Recently, he’s started pushing the issue, not me. Saying, you shouldn’t be upset by me watching, not understanding why I could possibly feel this way. He’s made it seem like it’s more important for him to have the freedom to jerk off to porn than to have his wife and kids in his life. Just yesterday we talked about this and he still thinks that there’s nothing wrong with going into the bathroom to jerk to porn while me and the kids are in the living room…and one thing we made a solid deal on was there was to be ABSOLUTELY NO PORN WHILE OUR KIDS ARE AWAKE. Aside from that, I was ok with whatever he wanted to do, whatever he wanted to watch, but it was way too frequently and telling me if I did this or that, he wouldn’t need to watch…so yea his words and actions have made me incredibly insecure about this. How could he possibly not see this?!?! I’ve done everything he’s wanted and more, what more am I supposed to do?
I wouldn’t consider myself to be dominant, but I certainly don’t let people walk all over me either and he’s been doing this for quite some time now so it’s getting old. How could porn possibly be that important to him that he’s willing to hurt his wife and potentially expose his toddler children to it as well?!?! I seriously believe he has a problem, but he would never admit it. If there was ANYTHING that I did that ever made him feel this terrible inside, I would stop in a heartbeat.
He feels like anytime I feel differently than he does that I’m trying to control that situation…does that even make sense? Does he honestly think that I like feeling so hurt by this? Anytime I express my feelings to him about a topic and they differ from his, I’m trying to control that too. When his private time in the bathroom lasts for hours a day, that’s a problem, when he’d rather sit in the bathroom for up to 2 hours total a day when me and the kids are here and would like to spend time with him. If it were just 10 minutes a day, I probably wouldn’t get so upset, but several hours? COME ON! The kids are constantly asking, “where’s Daddy?”, what do I say to that? It infuriates me to think he’d rather watch porn then be with his family, is that so hard to understand? Now that you all have BOTH sides of the story, please feel free to comment and offer any advice or tips that may be helpful.
Also, I do not expect for there to be any double standards in our marriage, if he equates something that he does to something that I do, even if I don’t agree with how he feels, I offer to stop or give it up if he does…I feel that’s fair. I don’t expect to be able to do something that I ask him not to do. Aside from this issue, everything else in our marriage is great, but this topic causes so many other issues. Him feeling like I don’t care about him being a man and having needs, I’m not asking him to completely stop masturbating, just choose something else to enjoy while doing it. I wouldn’t ask that of him unless I expected myself to be able to do the same thing. Again, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks to all who have taken the time to read all of this long post.
This is what she does. Tries to completely invalidate MY feelings by trying to take control and act like everyone has the problems but her. Icant even ask an unbiased question for unbiased advice on an anonymous site without her trying to take it over. Posted via Mobile Device
I too have a desire to watch porn. It does sound like it is an addiction in his part just like I had. He is justifying his addiction because in all honesty he might not be able to stop watching it on his own. You have planted the seed about it bothers you not let it grow. Like any unhealthy habbit it takes a long time to change those. He didnt start watching porn yesterday he is not going to stop tommorow cold turkey. He will try to stop and fail. try to stop and fail. try more and fail. Its an on going process. He is going to need some third party help. Porn addiction is the most personal addiction. Its not like you can talk to very many about it. You can walk into a place and say your an alcoholic and about everyone will understand. Walking into a place or a church and say your a porn addict and people will hide their children behind their backs. That doesnt make it any less real. Knowledge is the key. Ask him if he will look deeper into the subject. Read some articiles about it. He came here thats a good sign.
I have an addiction with it. I am home alone and could very easy be looking at porn now and I can tell you the desire is very real. I dont know why God has programed me with the desire that I fight with. I love my wife and I know it hurts her so much if I am caught looking at it. I fight pleasing her her and the desires to please myself. I can justify it and say that its just a way a man is wired thats it is normal. Internet porn is not normal. It never really exisited 20 years ago. Porn is a click away and thats more than some men like myself can handle.
Stop the Blame game. Face it as an addiction and get knowledge and help. If he fails dont thow on the guilt but try to understand and reward when he tries to not look. If its too much get a porn blocker on your home computer. Get knowledge and help where you can but let him find the person he is comfortable with. Understand he is very embarrassed to seek that help. No one wants to be be called an addict. Very few even understand the desire to want to veiw it. I understand that we could have been programed to desire it when we were very young and felt like we would not be desired sexualy because of our on insecurities. Like in my case weight and acnee but there are a hundred other reasons.
ladies it is not easy for us to just stop. You need to recongnize it. I have joked before on here, before it would be like some ladies giving up chocolate for the rest of their life. To be in a chocolate store and not let it touch your lips. Its very hard to do!!!!!!!!
Sorry for the my typos I am very disleksic and typing is hard for me spelling is even harder.
I wanted it to be told from someone that struggles with trying to stop the desire to view porn. Its very very very hard.
so many porn threads 
They say you are what you eat, so why not eat to promote passion, ultimate health and the utmost of sensuality? 
