BlueMoon26

Sex with my husband has recently been more of a chore for me... By recently I mean within the past couple of years.
I am fully aware of my husbands porn addiction. I understand it is "what guys do" but I also feel that he should try to make me feel desired and sexy, which he doesn't. Never tells me I'm beautiful (He can lie if he doesn't really feel so). He asks me to wear certain clothes and everytime we have sex it's more of a porno rather than lovemaking. Ok, every now and then I want the excitement of wild, crazy sex but that doesn't mean I don't want the romantic, 'make me feel loved' sex either. I can't leave the house for 5 minutes without coming home and seeing all the porno on the computer screen. I've politely asked him to just close the page, I'd rather not see it.
We have sex several times a week but my husband is always drunk which makes it almost gross for me. Sloppy, smelly man on top of me is not my idea of good sex. It's okay when both parties have had a few drinks and some inhibitions go away but one stumbling, slurring drunk person doesn't make for real excitement.
I don't know if it's the fact that he's always drunk or if he is just masturbating entirely too much but he almost NEVER finishes.
I also have a real issue with what he's asking for in the bedroom. I try to be a giving wife but he's constantly asking me for anal sex as if it's even enjoyable to women. (I suppose it may be for some.) Not for me. I have given in before, kind of like a once in awhile (great while) added benefit but he wants it all the time now. I've told him I don't like it, he doesn't do it right because he's left me in pain for days but he always tries it without asking.
Sometimes I just can't take it and I avoid sex all together and hold off for a week or two and he'll get reallly angry and not talk to me and then talk to me about divorce and how I am not meeting his "manly needs". I've expressed to him all these things that I've written but those things don't matter to him. It's all about him. Lately, I just get through the sex with him, sometimes drink to have sex with him.
Am I overreacting to his porno, anal, drunken sex? Is this normal? Or am I too sensitive? Or does it seem that he's not really interested or attracted to me and moreso just the act of "getting off"?

Chris Taylor

I'm very opposed to withholding sex as part of being displeased with a spouse, but in your case I think it is right.

First, no drunken sex. Explain to him that it isn't attractive and you would be happy to have sex with him but he has to be sober.

Second, it doesn't sound like porn is taking away from intimacy with you (may be increasing it). Until it does, don't worry about it.

Finally, anal isn't for everyone. My wife enjoys it occasionally but it has to be done right and when I was drinking, I didn't do anything right. So, if he wants anal, he's going to have to learn (a) how to do it right and (b) how to do it sober.

swedish

Wow...so he totally gets your role in meeting his needs but seems to have no clue that he should love, honor and cherish you?

He is being selfish, and no I don't think this is normal in a loving partnership.

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~Swedish

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein

Affaircare

If he has the capacity to understand that you should meet his "manly needs" then he has the capacity to understand that he has a duty to meet your "womanly needs".

I would recommend setting some boundaries around yourself. You can not control him--never have, never will. But you can control YOU! So determine some things for yourself:

1) I will only accept a loving, consenting, mutually pleasing sex partner in my life.

2) I will only accept a sober sex partner (or one or two drinks mutually to "loosen up)--but no drunken sex partners

3) I am willing to explore anal sex with a gentle, loving, kind sex partner who would be concerned about my enjoying it and pleasure as well as his own.

You see, these are rules you make about YOU for YOU. He doesn't have to be a loving, consenting, mutually-pleasing sex partner. He's completely free to continue to choose to be greedy, forceful, and selfish...but YOU will not be with a partner who treats you that way. You respect yourself too much to be treated that way.

Make sense?

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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

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