Clucas, He is bipolar and in the middle of a classic mid life crises.
He has always abused substances but I'd rather he drink because he can function in the bedroom fine with that. I guess I just don't know how to respond to him when he can't perform. I think he is so upset about it he can't accept it is him and deflects it on me. He also does not want to accept it's the smoking because he loves that high. When we have sex early, before he's had a chance to smoke he's fine but he's getting addicted and sometimes smoking throughout the day now so that's becoming harder to get him to do. I saw the pipe in his briefcase yesterday....NOT good.
The only addiction, is the mental one, in this case, Id be happier with that than alcohol, because while he still can perform, alcoholism WILL kill him, the other will not.
The effects lessen as you build up a tolerance same with anything, so of course he is going to start smoking more. As well, if he's in the middle of a mid life crisis and depressed, he's using this as his escape, the problem being, when the high fades, he still has to dwell in his problems, and its worse then, so you jump in again.
I went through this in february after my husbands sister died, he came home, told me he missed me, made a phone call, disappeared, and smoked himself into bed, hopefully he'd be awake long enough to catch supper.. then I'd get to hear about how I don't ever want to have sex and how sad he was.
Truth is, its not me, its not you (you know that) and its not necessarily
what he's smoking, but
why he's doing it. which is also why its being turned around on you, you're easier to blame.
Does the man go to counseling? you say he's bipolar, is he taking any meds for it? I really really think if you can get him to go, that counseling is in order, he's not going to get through his crisis without help because he's not letting himself deal with it, so perhaps you need to seek out some help for him.