lurker is losing his mind, need sex life advice
Hello everyone, first post here. I found this place looking online for a bit of advice and I thought this looked like just the community that could help.
I am 28 and have been with my wife for 11 years. We met in highschool and began living with each other after a year because of some serious issues with her parents. We have 2 wonderful children, my son 1, and my daughter 3 months. We have had several past issues in our 11 years and have worked through pretty much anything a couple could deal with...finances, communication, sex, problems with inlaws and even a small amount of infidelity on her part early into our relationship.
Before that "incident" neither of us had had sex with another person. There were many contributing factors into that situation but i forgave her a long time ago, realized that I had just as much to do with it as she did and that i even understand why it happened. To an extent it even helped us appreciate each other more afterwards. We didnt have any sort of "break" or seperation or anything like that. I was a pretty big screwup back then and her way of confronting it, possibly a way to end it all, was to cheat...w worked through it and went on with our lives.
Our sex life in the beginning was absolutely wonderful, probably like most relationships, however once the incident in question happened there has been a gradual decline in her sex drive in general until now, 9 years later, i am being told that she "doesnt need sex" and "rarely enjoys sex when we have it".
This doesnt have to do with our children or the pregnancy, at least not most of it because it was a poblem well before our kids.
On top of this decline i have slowly either consciously or unconsciously began to regret not experimenting or even just being with 1 other woman. At first this wasnt that much of an issue because sex wasnt really that bad, but since that has gotten worse and worse this feeling has also gotten more and more adamant in my mind.
I spent a good 8 years essentially keeping this to myself because obviously telling your wife that youve thought about other women is kinda like shooting yourself in the face but just recently i finally did and the reaction was as bad as i had feared. I dont know if I really do want to just have sex with another woman or if im just extremely distainful of our sex life.
I think a huge problem is that we see sex very differently. I consider making love and sex to be two totally different things. making love is about feeling closeness, satisfying the other person and making a physical manifestation of love and devotion...however sex to me is something very different. I enjoy what most would call "dirty" or "risque" sex. I enjoy being vocal, indulging in what i guess would be called "primal sex"...you name it, i probably enjoy it...pain and all.
Making love is wonderful....but so is having sex. I believe her and my needs for making love are being met but my need for "sex" isnt...at all. Even when we are together theres pretty much ground rules about not doing what she doesnt want, which is of course what i do want...at least some of the time.
Shes admitted to having a very, very low sex drive and that she doesnt see it as a very pressing issue. Now that i went ahead and admitted to having straying thoughts this whole thing has turned into just me "wanting to cheat" without any other issues really being addressed. Yes i will admit ive thought about it before and with little effort could have done it behind her back. I will also admit that im afraid that if this problem isnt addressed that some day i will grow to be so resentful that i will give in and do it. It has been hard to force myself not to think along those lines, and i can only assume that if things stay the way they are, that it will only be harder later in life.
I feel and she tells me that i am taking care of my responsibilites at home with the house and children, obviously we can both do more but i do all the cooking, i help clean, help take care of the animals, work full time, go to school and although of course i could do more, i try to be romantic with her without any sexual strings attached because i know it makes her happy and it makes me happy too. Of course she still says i dont do enoough in that last area.
At this point shes basically said that there isnt much we can do about this, that she would never accept me being with someone else and wouldnt ever entertain the idea of another woman being with us (even though at one point, admittedly a long time ago, she expressed interest in it...and of course since im a guy and have a healthy pulse id definitely be interested in it). She doesnt seem really interested in reviving our sex life citing that we have too many responsibilites right now and that essentially im going to have to just deal with this problem on my own until i hopefully learn to accept and appreciate it. I know she'll try, but i think the division between us sexually is just so large that i almost feel like were just sexually incompatible.
Weve thought about the obvious therapy route but unlike what many think therpay is ridiculously expensive, even with insurance (try like $400 a month for a one hour session a week) and we're far from made from money. Also im unsure of the effectiveness of it since weve already talked these issues to death. I really dont know what to do at this point. To generalize it, i feel sexually restrained, rejected, and yes even a little resentful that something like this is hurting my marriage so badly. I really need help before all of it just falls apart.
sorry for a long post but i figured since its my first one it might as well be a doozy!
thank you for your time and any advice would be extremely appreciated.