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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-28-2010, 01:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default lurker is losing his mind, need sex life advice

Hello everyone, first post here. I found this place looking online for a bit of advice and I thought this looked like just the community that could help.

I am 28 and have been with my wife for 11 years. We met in highschool and began living with each other after a year because of some serious issues with her parents. We have 2 wonderful children, my son 1, and my daughter 3 months. We have had several past issues in our 11 years and have worked through pretty much anything a couple could deal with...finances, communication, sex, problems with inlaws and even a small amount of infidelity on her part early into our relationship.

Before that "incident" neither of us had had sex with another person. There were many contributing factors into that situation but i forgave her a long time ago, realized that I had just as much to do with it as she did and that i even understand why it happened. To an extent it even helped us appreciate each other more afterwards. We didnt have any sort of "break" or seperation or anything like that. I was a pretty big screwup back then and her way of confronting it, possibly a way to end it all, was to cheat...w worked through it and went on with our lives.

Our sex life in the beginning was absolutely wonderful, probably like most relationships, however once the incident in question happened there has been a gradual decline in her sex drive in general until now, 9 years later, i am being told that she "doesnt need sex" and "rarely enjoys sex when we have it".
This doesnt have to do with our children or the pregnancy, at least not most of it because it was a poblem well before our kids.

On top of this decline i have slowly either consciously or unconsciously began to regret not experimenting or even just being with 1 other woman. At first this wasnt that much of an issue because sex wasnt really that bad, but since that has gotten worse and worse this feeling has also gotten more and more adamant in my mind.

I spent a good 8 years essentially keeping this to myself because obviously telling your wife that youve thought about other women is kinda like shooting yourself in the face but just recently i finally did and the reaction was as bad as i had feared. I dont know if I really do want to just have sex with another woman or if im just extremely distainful of our sex life.

I think a huge problem is that we see sex very differently. I consider making love and sex to be two totally different things. making love is about feeling closeness, satisfying the other person and making a physical manifestation of love and devotion...however sex to me is something very different. I enjoy what most would call "dirty" or "risque" sex. I enjoy being vocal, indulging in what i guess would be called "primal sex"...you name it, i probably enjoy it...pain and all.

Making love is wonderful....but so is having sex. I believe her and my needs for making love are being met but my need for "sex" isnt...at all. Even when we are together theres pretty much ground rules about not doing what she doesnt want, which is of course what i do want...at least some of the time.

Shes admitted to having a very, very low sex drive and that she doesnt see it as a very pressing issue. Now that i went ahead and admitted to having straying thoughts this whole thing has turned into just me "wanting to cheat" without any other issues really being addressed. Yes i will admit ive thought about it before and with little effort could have done it behind her back. I will also admit that im afraid that if this problem isnt addressed that some day i will grow to be so resentful that i will give in and do it. It has been hard to force myself not to think along those lines, and i can only assume that if things stay the way they are, that it will only be harder later in life.

I feel and she tells me that i am taking care of my responsibilites at home with the house and children, obviously we can both do more but i do all the cooking, i help clean, help take care of the animals, work full time, go to school and although of course i could do more, i try to be romantic with her without any sexual strings attached because i know it makes her happy and it makes me happy too. Of course she still says i dont do enoough in that last area.

At this point shes basically said that there isnt much we can do about this, that she would never accept me being with someone else and wouldnt ever entertain the idea of another woman being with us (even though at one point, admittedly a long time ago, she expressed interest in it...and of course since im a guy and have a healthy pulse id definitely be interested in it). She doesnt seem really interested in reviving our sex life citing that we have too many responsibilites right now and that essentially im going to have to just deal with this problem on my own until i hopefully learn to accept and appreciate it. I know she'll try, but i think the division between us sexually is just so large that i almost feel like were just sexually incompatible.

Weve thought about the obvious therapy route but unlike what many think therpay is ridiculously expensive, even with insurance (try like $400 a month for a one hour session a week) and we're far from made from money. Also im unsure of the effectiveness of it since weve already talked these issues to death. I really dont know what to do at this point. To generalize it, i feel sexually restrained, rejected, and yes even a little resentful that something like this is hurting my marriage so badly. I really need help before all of it just falls apart.

sorry for a long post but i figured since its my first one it might as well be a doozy!

thank you for your time and any advice would be extremely appreciated.
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Old 08-28-2010, 01:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: lurker is losing his mind, need sex life advice

Hi
I would suggest, as a woman, to slowly coax her into kinky stuff again. Buy sexy underwear, introduce some toys that "you got as a gift" (otherwise she'll wonder what u r doing at adult shops), sms her sexy messages during the day, when you know she's in a good mood. That type of thing will awaken something in her, without banging it in her face. If she responds, gradually increase. Meet her halfway, don't expect your fantasies to be filled in the first week, give it some time to grow. Hopefully she'll like it and suggest her own ideas. Good luck!
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Old 08-28-2010, 02:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: lurker is losing his mind, need sex life advice

It sounds as if she is making excuses. Sex should be a priority, not something you do if there is nothing else going on. She obviously doesn't understand the deep health implications of not having enough sex.

I like Cheetahbub's idea about trying to find ways to add some spice that your wife might agree with.

My latest book, The Golden Key to Unlocking Your Soulmate Relationships may also be an option for you. Quite a bit of it focuses on sex, the importance of sex and ideas to help revive your sex life, but it comes a bit later in the book as there are other things to focus on to build a good foundation for both of you to become more open and would also hopefully create more willingness in your wife as well. At under $20.00 it could be worth it for you to check out.
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They say you are what you eat, so why not eat to promote passion, ultimate health and the utmost of sensuality? Plateful of Passion is The Guide to Creating Sensual Enhancement through your diet and how everyday foods can boost libido, and greatly improve your sex life featuring over 100 recipes!
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Old 08-28-2010, 03:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: lurker is losing his mind, need sex life advice

I am genuinely confused. Why did you not aggressively address this issue BEFORE having kids? Because choosing to have children with a woman signals that you are at least "ok" with however she is treating you. So that was the message you delivered in a big way with the first child, and again with the second child.

How often is she willing to "make love"?


Quote:
Originally Posted by livinit View Post
Hello everyone, first post here. I found this place looking online for a bit of advice and I thought this looked like just the community that could help.

I am 28 and have been with my wife for 11 years. We met in highschool and began living with each other after a year because of some serious issues with her parents. We have 2 wonderful children, my son 1, and my daughter 3 months. We have had several past issues in our 11 years and have worked through pretty much anything a couple could deal with...finances, communication, sex, problems with inlaws and even a small amount of infidelity on her part early into our relationship.

Before that "incident" neither of us had had sex with another person. There were many contributing factors into that situation but i forgave her a long time ago, realized that I had just as much to do with it as she did and that i even understand why it happened. To an extent it even helped us appreciate each other more afterwards. We didnt have any sort of "break" or seperation or anything like that. I was a pretty big screwup back then and her way of confronting it, possibly a way to end it all, was to cheat...w worked through it and went on with our lives.

Our sex life in the beginning was absolutely wonderful, probably like most relationships, however once the incident in question happened there has been a gradual decline in her sex drive in general until now, 9 years later, i am being told that she "doesnt need sex" and "rarely enjoys sex when we have it".
This doesnt have to do with our children or the pregnancy, at least not most of it because it was a poblem well before our kids.

On top of this decline i have slowly either consciously or unconsciously began to regret not experimenting or even just being with 1 other woman. At first this wasnt that much of an issue because sex wasnt really that bad, but since that has gotten worse and worse this feeling has also gotten more and more adamant in my mind.

I spent a good 8 years essentially keeping this to myself because obviously telling your wife that youve thought about other women is kinda like shooting yourself in the face but just recently i finally did and the reaction was as bad as i had feared. I dont know if I really do want to just have sex with another woman or if im just extremely distainful of our sex life.

I think a huge problem is that we see sex very differently. I consider making love and sex to be two totally different things. making love is about feeling closeness, satisfying the other person and making a physical manifestation of love and devotion...however sex to me is something very different. I enjoy what most would call "dirty" or "risque" sex. I enjoy being vocal, indulging in what i guess would be called "primal sex"...you name it, i probably enjoy it...pain and all.

Making love is wonderful....but so is having sex. I believe her and my needs for making love are being met but my need for "sex" isnt...at all. Even when we are together theres pretty much ground rules about not doing what she doesnt want, which is of course what i do want...at least some of the time.

Shes admitted to having a very, very low sex drive and that she doesnt see it as a very pressing issue. Now that i went ahead and admitted to having straying thoughts this whole thing has turned into just me "wanting to cheat" without any other issues really being addressed. Yes i will admit ive thought about it before and with little effort could have done it behind her back. I will also admit that im afraid that if this problem isnt addressed that some day i will grow to be so resentful that i will give in and do it. It has been hard to force myself not to think along those lines, and i can only assume that if things stay the way they are, that it will only be harder later in life.

I feel and she tells me that i am taking care of my responsibilites at home with the house and children, obviously we can both do more but i do all the cooking, i help clean, help take care of the animals, work full time, go to school and although of course i could do more, i try to be romantic with her without any sexual strings attached because i know it makes her happy and it makes me happy too. Of course she still says i dont do enoough in that last area.

At this point shes basically said that there isnt much we can do about this, that she would never accept me being with someone else and wouldnt ever entertain the idea of another woman being with us (even though at one point, admittedly a long time ago, she expressed interest in it...and of course since im a guy and have a healthy pulse id definitely be interested in it). She doesnt seem really interested in reviving our sex life citing that we have too many responsibilites right now and that essentially im going to have to just deal with this problem on my own until i hopefully learn to accept and appreciate it. I know she'll try, but i think the division between us sexually is just so large that i almost feel like were just sexually incompatible.

Weve thought about the obvious therapy route but unlike what many think therpay is ridiculously expensive, even with insurance (try like $400 a month for a one hour session a week) and we're far from made from money. Also im unsure of the effectiveness of it since weve already talked these issues to death. I really dont know what to do at this point. To generalize it, i feel sexually restrained, rejected, and yes even a little resentful that something like this is hurting my marriage so badly. I really need help before all of it just falls apart.

sorry for a long post but i figured since its my first one it might as well be a doozy!

thank you for your time and any advice would be extremely appreciated.
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Old 08-28-2010, 05:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: lurker is losing his mind, need sex life advice

we had children because we both really wanted children. I dont agree with your opinion that I sent any sort of signal and neither would she.

The problem has been mostly out there and in the open well before our kids came along. Our second wasnt exactly planned, but we have absolutely no regrets about having children. I feel that our sex life and our children are two completely different issues. We make love about once a week or two, but it is always the same routine, same time same, always the weekend, same everything. in about 3 years it hasnt deviated from that schedule. that in itself isnt really bad, i really enjoy our time together, but it doesnt fulfill what i consider the other side of a (at least for me) healthy sex life.
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Old 08-28-2010, 06:53 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: lurker is losing his mind, need sex life advice

I think this "incident" had a huge impact on your marriage. First off, you didn't have "as much" to do with it as she did. She made the choice to cheat. She could have made many many other choices but she didn't. You both are 50% responsible for the marriage at that time but she is 100% responsible for her decision to cheat. Please know that.
Secondly, you mentioned that her sex drive stopped after her infidelity. That is a big red flag to me. What caused her to stop cheating? Did she fess up on her own or did you find out? What were the consequences? The reason I ask is is it possible there was more going on with this affair and now she is resentful of you for her not being in this affair anymore? Also, she is still very young (meaning not near menopause) so I can't imagine hormones, kids, bills, etc are what stopped her sex drive. The timing of the "incident" and her sex drive ending seems very connected.
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Old 08-28-2010, 09:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: lurker is losing his mind, need sex life advice

the incident in question wasnt when we were married. We got engaged really young and for a really long time. The way it came out was pretty abnormal actually. She ended up telling one of my friends about it, essentially because she knew he'd tell me. Yes confrontation issues, i know. eventually he told me and after a lot of talking and yelling she finally admitted it. For full disclosure she was 19 and i was 20, i'll be 29 next month so this was quite a while ago and im not sure its even all that relavant now. I mean you change a lot from 19-27, so i guess its easier for me to sort of disassociate from that time period because in very few ways am i the same person from back then, nor is she.
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Old 08-29-2010, 01:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: lurker is losing his mind, need sex life advice

I have been married 20+ years and I think I am fairly realistic about these situations.

This is not intended in a critical manner, just a statement of where you seem to be.

You are not really compatible sexually. You made it clear what you like - and she has made it clear she isn't going to stretch to find a way to accommodate you. Since this has been the "status quo" for almost a decade, it is highly likely she interprets the current situation as:
"He wishes I was different, but knows that I am not the way he wants. He is going to complain about it now and then and I am going to ignore his complaints and he will eventually accept that this is how it is"



Quote:
Originally Posted by livinit View Post
we had children because we both really wanted children. I dont agree with your opinion that I sent any sort of signal and neither would she.

The problem has been mostly out there and in the open well before our kids came along. Our second wasnt exactly planned, but we have absolutely no regrets about having children. I feel that our sex life and our children are two completely different issues. We make love about once a week or two, but it is always the same routine, same time same, always the weekend, same everything. in about 3 years it hasnt deviated from that schedule. that in itself isnt really bad, i really enjoy our time together, but it doesnt fulfill what i consider the other side of a (at least for me) healthy sex life.
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Old 08-29-2010, 05:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: lurker is losing his mind, need sex life advice

If the sex changed from the moment of infidelity, then there is the root of the issue, even after many years until this very day.

I will beat this drum as often as it needs to be beaten but if at ANY time a woman sex drive is not equal to her mans sex drive or exceeding it, then something is missing in the relationship.

Whatever is missing in the relationship, this piece of the puzzle, this is what this piece of the puzzle is not going to be:

It is never going to be complaining about sex, negotiating for sex, bartering for sex, doing housework for sex, being a nice guy for sex, giving flowers for sex, "being a changed man" for sex.

None of these things are going to work, so whether these things are important to you, they should not be important to you thinking it will lead to sex.

Let me ask, was it about any of these things when you and your woman first met and sex was on fire and incredible?

You don't need to answer because I already know. Of course it wasn't!

To make this simple, to livinit and any other good man reading this that wonders what "the secret is to a woman" or any such thing, it is just this:


A woman is only going to be a sexual to her man as he is making her feel.


Do not make this any more complicated than it needs to be.


The solution, simple.

Stop doing things to make your woman feel like she is not sexually attractive.

Start doing things to make your woman feel like she is sexually attractive.


So what is hard about this? What is hard is that most men I am learning do not notice what makes a woman feel sexually attractive.


These things do not make a woman feel attractive:

Being bribed for sex.

Being desired by a man that is unwilling to stand up for himself.

Being desired by a man she doesn't respect (see above).

Being desired by a man that is unwilling to fight for her.

Being desired by a man that is not desirable to other women.

Being desired by a man that is not desirable to himself.



And these things a woman finds irrestibly attractive:

Being desired by a man that not only knows what he wants, he is willing to pursue what he wants.

Being desired by a man that not only will stand up for himself, but seems to enjoy doing so.

Being desired by a man that commands respect.

Being desired by a man that has demonstrated he willing fight for her (even if the one he is fighting IS her).

Being desired by a man that desirable to other women.

Being desired by a man that is confident and bold and comfortable with himself.



So in all this, if you are a good man not satisfied with the sex life, stop being on the first list, and start being on the second list!

I wish you well.
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