Feeling angry because my wife refuses me too often
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 09-05-2010, 06:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Feeling angry because my wife refuses me too often

Hello to everyone.
I know it's hard to understand someone sexual problems without all of the details so I will try to put as much information as possible. Please try to help me and tell me if something is wrong with me.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years, we have 2 kids; my son is 2.5 years old and my daughter is 1.5.
I love my wife and I know she loves me as well, however, I don't feel appreciated and loved enough. I feel she just doesn't show it to me. The biggest problem is her rejecting my need for sex, almost all of the time.
I'm a caucasian and she is Chinese so this might be a cultural thing as well, I just don't know.

I'm 29 and she is 34 years old. A year ago I got lay off from work. This wasn't a big problem since our finances are quite stable. We are not in any financial trouble or debt.
Since the lay off I joined school, got government sponsorship for a business diploma. (2 years)
Since there is no school on summer I stay home every day and watch the kids.
She works from 4 pm to 2 am, 4 days a week.
I'm the one waking up in the morning so she can sleep until 11 a.m.
Once she wakes up she does her lunch and and gets ready for work, spending minimal time with me or the kids.
The problem is that I'm missing some intimate time with her as well.
I usually put the kids down for a nap around 1:30 to 3 p.m. and at that time I just want to lay down with my wife on our bad and talk, cuddle and ultimately have sex.
I try to initiate sex, however she usually comes with an excuse that she needs to get ready for work, or we are going to do it tomorrow or something like that. The problem is not just her rejecting me, the problem is she makes it look like I'm asking for too much.
I'm fine by not having sex every day even if I would love it. But at least 2-3 times would be acceptable.
However when she doesn't reject me she basically says:
"You want some"? or "You really wants some"?
(Like she doesn't see that I do want some, by my behaviour and reactions she definitely does).
When I say "yeas I do", she just tells me: "Ok, just hurry up"

The passion and all of the fun parts of foreplay and sex are gone in this way.
Even if this is better than no sex at all I just feel wrong about her not wanting me. She will have sex with my about 1-2 times in a week just because I want it not because she wants it.

May be once in a month she will give me a green light for a quickie that would transform in something more passionate and it would be great.

I dont know why but I want her more often, in a normal, mutual way, not just like taking her.("here, take it")
Dont get me wrong, I do appreciate her giving in just to please me, but the problem is if I would not initiate anything she would go without sex for months.
She just doesnt want me any more!

I do have the need for here to need me as well and that doesn't usually happen. I don't know what is wrong?

I tried to talk to her and she just says she is too tired.
The other day I told her I think this is becoming a problem and she tells me to go find another one if I think this is a problem!
I know that she just is saying this things without meaning it, but it still hurts.
She just doesn't understand me at all when it comes to sex.
I know for a fact that she is faithful and doesn't have anyone on the side so that is not the problem. She is a good girl, good mom.

Last week I tried to initiate sex for few days before work and I got rejected every time.
I even stayed awake until 3 am waiting for her after work and got rejected again (too tired excuse).
Than friday came (her fist day off) and she tells me she is too tired and we could do it tomorrow instead.
On saturday afternoon when kids went for a nap, she rejects me again saying she is to tired again.
Or we just had sex few days ago!

It's true that she does chores around house on her days off. She does more than me, thats for sure but I do more around the kids. She does the laundry, cleans the baby bottles, cooks for the kids and vacuum the house. When she works I do the bottles and vacuum and cook for the kids.
I'm with the kids every day of the week. Every morning, putting them to sleep and all of the rest.
Her parents are helping us with the kids since we live with them. We definitely have it easy compering to other couples that don't have much help.

So how is that she is always tired, am I missing something here.

I know I'm not the best husband but I try my best, I'm decent looking, not getting overweight or anything. I tell her I love her often and I give her compliments that she looks good. I try to listen to her needs but it seems she always wants more.
If I was the baby bottles twice a week she complains when I don't do it and so on.
I encourage her to go shopping or spend time with her friends but nothing really helps.
She just likes to complain about me being to lazy, and not giving enough!
She wasnt like these before our marriage!
What should I do??
Please help with some advices.
Am I to selfish by wanting sex more often?

Last edited by Cicibela; 09-05-2010 at 06:53 PM.
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Old 09-05-2010, 06:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling angry because my wife refuses me too often

I don't think you're being selfish. I think part of the problem is the schedule. You're on a daytime schedule, she's on a nighttime schedule, and when you combine that with young children, it does make it difficult to find time to be intimate. You don't say what time she has to leave to get to work, but I would say by 3, she's probably legitimate in saying that she has to get ready for work. I would try initiating right after the kids go down for their nap.

As odd as it may sound, scheduling sex might be something worth trying as well. No, it's not as much fun as spontaneous sex, but when you have kids, ya do what ya gotta do. If it's scheduled that you'll have sex, say, every Monday and Thursday, in the afternoon, that allows both of you to be prepared. You can make sure the kids are napping soundly, she can get a little extra sleep or whatever, and you both know it's gonna happen.

Her "get it over with" attitude is another story. In all honesty, I used to be like that when I was with my ex. For me, it was a combo of low sex drive and no attraction to him (because he was a cheater). After having kids, sometimes our sex drives change drastically, and since you say she wasn't like this before marriage, I'm inclined to think that after kids, her sex drive has gone down. For me, mine came back naturally over time, although not until I met my boyfriend. For some women, they do have to see a dr and occasionally take some sort of med to help get back to normal.

You need to tell her it hurts you when she says things like get it over with or to find someone else. You need to explain to her that you love her, you want her, and you don't want anyone else, you just want to feel like she loves/wants you as much as you love/want her.

One last thing...although I don't think you're being selfish, how often are you trying for sex? If it's everyday, you might want to back off. She might feel as though you expect it every single day, and that's too much for her. Try every couple of days, or a couple of times a week, and see if that changes her response to you at all.
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Old 09-05-2010, 07:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling angry because my wife refuses me too often

Maybe she loves you but doesn't like the act of sex. It's pretty common. Maybe if you could find some other ways that you could feel needed and wanted without having to resort to the act of sex (which your wife isn't into). It is a common situation and all you need to do here is adapt. What other things make you feel needed and wanted? I'm sure your wife would be willing to do these things.
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Old 09-06-2010, 06:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling angry because my wife refuses me too often

Hi

I am new to the group. I would like to offer things from a womans perspective. etc. Let me know what you think

Hello to everyone.
I know it's hard to understand someone sexual problems without all of the details so I will try to put as much information as possible. Please try to help me and tell me if something is wrong with me.

Judith: No there is nothing wrong with you. At your age -you are wanting it alot. Women in their 30s slow down in wanting sex. Scheduling it is a good idea. She may have some also emotional issues about it as well. She also might need some education on how a guy male sexuality works. Some and from the women I have talked with dont know alot about male sexuality that alot need to know before getting married. It sounds like you need to ask her why she keeps refusing. She may not understand how vital it is in a marriage. I share some titles that might help her understand some women who have and are where she is at. Because you said she is chinese-that may contribute to her really needing some information.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years, we have 2 kids; my son is 2.5 years old and my daughter is 1.5.
I love my wife and I know she loves me as well, however, I don't feel appreciated and loved enough. I feel she just doesn't show it to me. The biggest problem is her rejecting my need for sex, almost all of the time.
I'm a caucasian and she is Chinese so this might be a cultural thing as well, I just don't know.

JUdith: Becuase she is chinese -she may not understand what is okay in a marriage when it comes to touch. Becuase if I remember correctly they are not all that demonstrative in public and in a family setting


The problem is that I'm missing some intimate time with her as well.

Judith; Do you think talking you will be able to talk to her soon

I usually put the kids down for a nap around 1:30 to 3 p.m. and at that time I just want to lay down with my wife on our bad and talk, cuddle and ultimately have sex.

Judith: Do you think that you could alternate the sex times with nonsexual times by doing massages nonsexual first-then other times -move into nonsexual with sexual massages


I'm fine by not having sex every day even if I would love it. But at least 2-3 times would be acceptable.

Judith: have you ask her about this?

However when she doesn't reject me she basically says:
"You want some"? or "You really wants some"?
(Like she doesn't see that I do want some, by my behaviour and reactions she definitely does).
When I say "yeas I do", she just tells me: "Ok, just hurry up"

Judith: Besides what the other said member-need to see a doc-and the fact that the kids can hinder it. What about her past?

The passion and all of the fun parts of foreplay and sex are gone in this way.

Judtih: It sounds to me like something happen in her past.

I dont know why but I want her more often, in a normal, mutual way, not just like taking her.("here, take it")
Dont get me wrong, I do appreciate her giving in just to please me, but the problem is if I would not initiate anything she would go without sex for months.

Judith; Yeah that is how women are becuase they relate on a emotional and mental and relational level. Are you able to do nonsexual things relationally?

We definitely have it easy compering to other couples that don't have much help.

Judith: Do you think she doesn't want to do it because she is living with her parents?

So how is that she is always tired, am I missing something here.

Judith; For a woman tired can mean alot of things when it comes to sex.

Am I to selfish by wanting sex more often?

Judith; For me it just shows that -several things but one I can think of is your age.

What do you think?

Judith
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Old 03-18-2013, 11:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling angry because my wife refuses me too often

You did not mention if you are adequate in size for her. You also did not say if she always has an orgasm form the sex each and every time you have sex...even if it is just a quickie.

If you are too small for her and she does not have orgasms from sex, then...obviously...you should be able to see that may be a problem. We know you are having them...duh.

If size and orgasms are not an issue...then frankly...it seems as if she is becoming something similar to being fridgid...and that can indeed be a problem. That is a problem marriage counselors have been trying to slove forever....good luck. If you are considering divorce, I woujld first try to suggest a more open realtionship where she allows you to obtian sex elsewhwere. I know this is not for eveyone...but it ''is'' an alternative to divorce. It works for some people. Good luck.
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Old 03-18-2013, 11:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling angry because my wife refuses me too often

2 year old Zombie thread alert...

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Old 03-19-2013, 10:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling angry because my wife refuses me too often

If you are not going to make a serious reply, then why are you making a comment like that. I fail to see the humor in bringing in a comment about a ''zombie''. Please explain how that is relevant. Perhaps you are so immature you don't realize my reply was completely serious and only trying to help the person sort through his problem. His problem could also be tht his wife is simply become ''mean''....just as your reply indicates you may be. This man has a serious problem. Perhaps you should try and be more helpful. This is not an AOL Huffington Press blog where sick humor is appreciated. It is a blog where peopleare looking for answers. You may not like my reply, but I assure you my outlook on this is not rare.
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Lol,

He wasn't calling you a zombie mrjoness, though that would be an interesting insult lol.
The thread was started over two years ago and the original poster hasn't been back, and it's now been "brought back to life"... zombie thread.

No harm done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrjonesss View Post
If you are not going to make a serious reply, then why are you making a comment like that. I fail to see the humor in bringing in a comment about a ''zombie''. Please explain how that is relevant. Perhaps you are so immature you don't realize my reply was completely serious and only trying to help the person sort through his problem. His problem could also be tht his wife is simply become ''mean''....just as your reply indicates you may be. This man has a serious problem. Perhaps you should try and be more helpful. This is not an AOL Huffington Press blog where sick humor is appreciated. It is a blog where peopleare looking for answers. You may not like my reply, but I assure you my outlook on this is not rare.
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Old 03-19-2013, 12:19 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling angry because my wife refuses me too often

So, does this mean the person will or can't still respond back that needed help? Won't that person still get a message that someone has replied to him...even though all this time has passed? I don't know ...so that is why I am asking. I realized it was old. I can read. I did not know what the zombie reference was...thanks for telling me. The only reason I replied to him in the first place is that I have been married over 15 years and have complained about how much sex my wife gives me anymore for the last 15 years...lol. This poor man is much younger and has been married a much shorter time than me....but I did not want to tell him that his problems may just be starting...lol. It is a very common thing for men to complain about how the wife now has less sex with them...and they often have the same complaint until one of them dies...even if the problem has been present for 50 years...lol. The poor guy...I was just trying to help him. After over 30 years of marriage, I have been complaining for a long time about only getting sex 2-3 times a week now. I only offered him advice because i have the same problem...but our sex quality is very excellent and always has been. I pointed out to him that he left those details out...and before anyone can help him...that info is usefull to know.
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Old 03-19-2013, 12:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I thought he was not only calling me a zombie...but I thought he was also calling me a 2 year old...I am used to my wife calling me that...lol
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Old 03-19-2013, 12:35 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling angry because my wife refuses me too often

This man;s post is a difficult one to reply back to without crossing boundries that may be interpretted as too graphic. I have much other advice to give this man, but I am not sure my comments would be alllowed. Considering this is a blog of ''marriage'' it is ironic somewhat to have to deal with possible censorship. Obviously, discussing marriage and sex can ...and is..graphic ...simply by nature. I feel it ventures into a more ponographic nature if it starts to involve a discussion only designed to create arousal. I would not do that. Frankly, just telling this man the truth could easily be considered arousing...but only becasue it is the truth. They say truth is often more unbelievable than science fiction....and maybe a similar thing can be said about sex problems in marriage? As I have said...my wife of over 30 years and I have ''similar'' issues as this man...just as many married men do....but we have found ways to deal with it. I am not sure I can share all those details. I suppose i will see if he asks me for more help and go from there. However...even though this is a ''zombie'' thread ( I am a fast learner...lol)..it is obviously still active and can be read by people...so maybe an entirly different perosn might jump in to join for ''talk'' or chit chat..or whatever. For example....''something'' made you click on this thread ''also''....right?
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