what sex means to a guy
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 09-05-2010, 11:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default what sex means to a guy

Often times I hear that if a man has sex with another women, as in an affair, it can be just sex. that's it. its not the same as a woman because a woman becomes emotionally connected. For a man it can just be sex. So if a man has an affair, he can say it was nothing, just a guy satiating a carnal lust and nothing more. But then i repeatedly hear a conflicting story. I hope you dont mind me quoting you Scanner:

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The reason I ask is men feel love like 5X the level that women walk around with right after sex.
I hear the above stated many times, too. If there's conflict in a relationship, immediately one is asked, "Is your man getting sex? because if not, he's not feeling loved." men need sex to feel loved. So then I think, is it really true? is it ever just sex for a guy? How can that be when I hear repeatedly that for a man to feel loved he needs sex? Doesnt that conflict? A man that has an affair can say, it was nothing- just sex. But the next day can turn around and say I dont feel loved because I dont get sex.

These two themes seem to drastically conflict. It doesnt seem to me that a man can choose when he feels love from sex and when he doesnt. He either does or he doesnt, and since the prevailing theme is that a man must have sex in the relationship to feel loved, i think men are specious when they say sex can ever mean "nothing".
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Old 09-06-2010, 12:09 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: what sex means to a guy

I think it's mostly a lie that "it's just sex". I know for myself that I would hook in powerfully to any woman I've had sex with.

Men typically fall in love faster and harder than women, commit suicide after divorce more frequently.

You may like the quick summary of Dr Helen Fisher here Married Man Sex Life: Dr Helen Fisher: Casual Sex Doesn't Exist

There are some men that can seemingly have "just sex", but they all tend to be heartless all purpose *******s to begin with. Plus they tend to purposely concentrate on viewing women as "wet holes" and nothing more. Which is not my particular way.
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Old 09-06-2010, 01:06 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: what sex means to a guy

I have wondered the same thing but never had the guts to ask Good post!
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Old 09-06-2010, 09:00 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: what sex means to a guy

sex is carnal instinct and love. i married my wife with the intent on her being my only lover for the rest of my life. of course its impossible to predict the future at that point, as in how we would both change over the 20+ years so far. i havent had an affair and wont even venture to another woman unless we divorce. but alot of men do, to at least satiate the carnal needs. i really cant believe that at least some women who cheat aren't doing so for just lust and nothing else.

on the rare occasions my wife and i do make love, i feel calm and more loving immediately after, she actually gets uptight and aggressive, almost agitated. it almost makes me wish she was just a fling so i could get the hell out right after it was over. too much baggage these days.
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Old 09-06-2010, 09:55 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: what sex means to a guy

The mechanics of sex, which is arousal and passion, are very easy for a man even with little or no emotional connection. Such as the expression men are visual, this is only a half truth, as both men and women are visual, but the man can be stimulated sexually very quickly again, before there is the emotional component. This is why images of pornography is so stimulating and causing such a sexual reaction to a man.

A woman is surely as visual, but will react far stronger sexually after the emotional component is present. For the woman, this comes from how she feels about a particular man, is he dominant, confident, is he protective of her, does he respect her, does he deserve her intimacy and openess? If the answers to the questions are yes, the woman will often then react very strongly sexually. Notice this can happen very quickly, as quickly as the woman will form an opinion on the man. Regardless, in this way, it can be assumed there is more situational depth required for a woman to be fully sexually excited. This is why a woman is not so engaged by images of pornography as a man.

But a man, after the act of sex, will certainly have very deep emotions, stemming from primal urges to protect that which he desires. I will argue that a man can be every bit as emotoinal attached as a component of a sexual relationship, it just tends to be more apparent after the fact, and again the emotional attachment is not necessary for the initial sexual arousal.

A very good question.

I believe it is important to understand because men and woman experience sexual and emotional feelings in a different scheme of order, it doesn't mean that the man or the woman does not have both components, and that both are valid.

Women are very much sexual creatures, and men are very much emotional creatures!
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Old 09-06-2010, 10:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: what sex means to a guy

I personally find dominant men repulsive so I steer clear of them all the time. The passive ones are boring. So I usually stick to guys that are half way. Ones who can accept my decisions, yet not be afraid to voice him and make his own decisions. I guess that would be a decent matching in theory.
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Old 09-06-2010, 12:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I think it's rarely "just sex". If most people are perfectly honest, sex with their married partner is usually better anyway. A man already knows how to please his wife and she already knows what he likes. I think most guys stray because they can't be their true self at home. They aren't treated as men at home so they find someone who will ooh and aah over them and who lets them live the image they have for themselves. Too many women, I believe, have the idea that a marriage license is a promotion to boss or is official permission to quit pursuing a romantic relationship with their husband. Childbirth is also not permission to quit dating one's husband. Pursuing a career is not permission to quit dating one's spouse. In short, at home the guy is often relegated to just a name on a paycheck, married to a woman who assumes he will always be there whether she participates in the relationship or not.
If she pushes him away repeatedly, he should just patiently accept it and remain quietly in place waiting for a crumb. If she nags or belittles him, he's supposed to just always be there like a piece of furniture she's paid for. Similarly, I think most women stray for the same reason. They are romantically ignored at home. Both people have this fantasy that they date, they get married, and life is supposed to be sweet. In reality, both get out only what they put in. It's often unfair and it's almost always one-sided, if only temporarily. Anything you don't maintain will eventually break.
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Old 09-06-2010, 10:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I think it's rarely "just sex". If most people are perfectly honest, sex with their married partner is usually better anyway. A man already knows how to please his wife and she already knows what he likes. I think most guys stray because they can't be their true self at home. They aren't treated as men at home so they find someone who will ooh and aah over them and who lets them live the image they have for themselves. Too many women, I believe, have the idea that a marriage license is a promotion to boss or is official permission to quit pursuing a romantic relationship with their husband. Childbirth is also not permission to quit dating one's husband. Pursuing a career is not permission to quit dating one's spouse. In short, at home the guy is often relegated to just a name on a paycheck, married to a woman who assumes he will always be there whether she participates in the relationship or not. If she pushes him away repeatedly, he should just patiently accept it and remain quietly in place waiting for a crumb. If she nags or belittles him, he's supposed to just always be there like a piece of furniture she's paid for. Similarly, I think most women stray for the same reason. They are romantically ignored at home. Both people have this fantasy that they date, they get married, and life is supposed to be sweet. In reality, both get out only what they put in. It's often unfair and it's almost always one-sided, if only temporarily. Anything you don't maintain will eventually break.
You're post and perspective is spot on. Sadly, I am ashamed to admit - I was guilty of being that woman. The woman who quit dating her spouse, who let built up resentment overpower her emotions. Who let that resentment overpower all my feelings for my H. And you're right, that's how my husband felt loved, was me having the sexual intimacy we once shared. For me, that was the last thing I desired because of my bitterness. (there were many things that led to me being this way infertility, hormones, financial issues, medical issues, job loss, etc. I wasn't just this horrible shrew for no reason! :-)

The result? My husband did have an affair - he got what he wasn't getting here. DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT - HE WAS COMPLETELY WRONG FOR WHAT HE DID, HE KNOWS & AGREES.

BUT for me, fortunately, it only lasted weeks not months and he ended all contact the day it was discovered. We reconnected emotionally & physically and I can honestly say even with all the heartache, sadness, hurt that I have experienced these months - I have never been more in love with my husband. I never realized how important the sex was to a relationship. We are like newlyweds.....even with 2 small children at home! We find/make time now.
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Old 09-06-2010, 11:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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And you're right, that's how my husband felt loved, was me having the sexual intimacy we once shared. For me, that was the last thing I desired because of my bitterness.

I never realized how important the sex was to a relationship. We are like newlyweds.....even with 2 small children at home! We find/make time now.
I think this is so often the case in relationships. Before I was married i was under the impression that sex was nothing to a man but satisfying a lust. But that is so wrong! Its so much more to a guy. even if they wont admit it. Men are so emotional about sex. This is the one thing in my marriage that has absolutely floored me. My perception of men has taken a complete 180.
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Old 09-07-2010, 12:01 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by BigBadWolf View Post
men and woman experience sexual and emotional feelings in a different scheme of order, it doesn't mean that the man or the woman does not have both components, and that both are valid.

Women are very much sexual creatures, and men are very much emotional creatures!
I think you're exactly right! I grew up thinking men were not emotional and it just cracks me up now. My H is just as emotional as me, he just shows it differently and is not as aware of his emotions.
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Old 09-07-2010, 07:36 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: what sex means to a guy

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
I think it's rarely "just sex". If most people are perfectly honest, sex with their married partner is usually better anyway. A man already knows how to please his wife and she already knows what he likes. I think most guys stray because they can't be their true self at home. They aren't treated as men at home so they find someone who will ooh and aah over them and who lets them live the image they have for themselves. Too many women, I believe, have the idea that a marriage license is a promotion to boss or is official permission to quit pursuing a romantic relationship with their husband. Childbirth is also not permission to quit dating one's husband. Pursuing a career is not permission to quit dating one's spouse. In short, at home the guy is often relegated to just a name on a paycheck, married to a woman who assumes he will always be there whether she participates in the relationship or not.
If she pushes him away repeatedly, he should just patiently accept it and remain quietly in place waiting for a crumb. If she nags or belittles him, he's supposed to just always be there like a piece of furniture she's paid for. Similarly, I think most women stray for the same reason. They are romantically ignored at home. Both people have this fantasy that they date, they get married, and life is supposed to be sweet. In reality, both get out only what they put in. It's often unfair and it's almost always one-sided, if only temporarily. Anything you don't maintain will eventually break.

perfectly stated
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Old 09-07-2010, 12:42 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I mostly agree, my disagreement is with the word married - I'd prefer to use loving when unbelievable wrote "sex with their married partner is usually better anyway" - I certainly wonder about being with other women, I really enjoy the company of women as friends and lovers, but I don't think a jump in the sack with someone I'm not emotionally connected to is satisfactory. My behavior will probably change when I move out of this house after starting divorce proceedings.

Regrettably my wife of 20+ years behaves as if "In short, at home the guy is often relegated to just a name on a paycheck, married to a woman who assumes he will always be there whether she participates in the relationship or not."

I just had a talk I was trying to avoid. I'll start a thread on TAM, not wanting to hijack this one.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
I think it's rarely "just sex". If most people are perfectly honest, sex with their married partner is usually better anyway. A man already knows how to please his wife and she already knows what he likes. I think most guys stray because they can't be their true self at home. They aren't treated as men at home so they find someone who will ooh and aah over them and who lets them live the image they have for themselves. Too many women, I believe, have the idea that a marriage license is a promotion to boss or is official permission to quit pursuing a romantic relationship with their husband. Childbirth is also not permission to quit dating one's husband. Pursuing a career is not permission to quit dating one's spouse. In short, at home the guy is often relegated to just a name on a paycheck, married to a woman who assumes he will always be there whether she participates in the relationship or not.
If she pushes him away repeatedly, he should just patiently accept it and remain quietly in place waiting for a crumb. If she nags or belittles him, he's supposed to just always be there like a piece of furniture she's paid for. Similarly, I think most women stray for the same reason. They are romantically ignored at home. Both people have this fantasy that they date, they get married, and life is supposed to be sweet. In reality, both get out only what they put in. It's often unfair and it's almost always one-sided, if only temporarily. Anything you don't maintain will eventually break.
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Old 09-07-2010, 02:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: what sex means to a guy

I just posted a link in it's own thread but this article is really incredible in understanding your husband's sexuality.

I think many women, my wife probably included, won't change their perspective or behavior even after reading this which is sad.
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Old 09-07-2010, 03:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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@mike1,

Just read the link you posted and it seems to confirm what I've been thinking for a long time. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one.
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Old 09-08-2010, 09:31 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: what sex means to a guy

I understand the question you are asking Blanca. It is a contradiction in terms. On the one hand a man can say he had sex with a woman and feels absolutely nothing for her. On the other hand, he can have sex with a woman (whom he is hopefully in love with) and say that is what he needs to feel close to her.

That is confusing. Especially in a situation where a husband works all day, doesn't speak to his wife about anything significant, goes out with the guys but not with her, plays video games and basically ignores her and then wants to have sex with her so he can connect with her. It's as if the ONLY way he can connect with her is through that act and then he's done with the connection and pulls away.

I've seriously had my husband go a week without touching me in any nonsexual way, but then initates sex with me and then continues about his business like there is nothing more needed in a relationship.

You know the old saying, "Women fake orgasms. Men fake relationships."
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