Seeker

I'm in a 20+ yr. marriage & for many years have felt no attraction for my husband. I ended up having an online affair, which I regret, and now my husband & I are trying to decide whether to try to stay together or split up. If the spark has been gone for this long, is it possible to get it back? After years of trying to 'do the right thing' and have sex when I didn't want to, I'm reluctant to even try to work on the issue. But other than that, we're good together. I don't want to destroy our kids, our life together over sex. I know he's hurt by all of this, but at some point I feel like I should have control over my own body.

Amplexor

Yes it can but TOM must be out of your life and mind before things will improve. Only then will you begin to see him in a better light. An OL affair is a fantasy and while your husband may have had some poor behaviors TOM further poisoned your relationship with your husband. Give yourself time to grieve and heal and actively try and improve your marriage. Be sure to understand your husband's needs and that he understand yours. Co-actively work on those needs together. My wife was sure the "spark" was gone but with time it returned. But you have to work on it and provide each other the needs you seek. It took us a long time to recover but it was all worth the effort.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Seeker

Thanks for your private msg & this one, Amplexor. Some days the rollercoaster of 'keep trying or give up' is just horrendous, as I'm sure you know. Never expected to be in this situation. After someone tells you they're not attracted to you, how do you keep trying? I think if the roles were reversed I'd be out the door before he finished the sentence. I'm almost afraid to try to rekindle because it seems cruel to put both of us through the effort again.

Amplexor

A sustained, steady effort. Didn't panic, didn't get frustrated (In front of her) and most importantly never lost track of the end goal. To recover the marriage.

30 years as a professional salesman also gave me two advantages. My hide is pretty thick from rejection and sometimes I just don't take no for an answer.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Chris Taylor

Let's put aside the sex part for a minute.

For me it was 35+ years of marriage and an affair but we worked on it and brought it back. It wasn't easy and took marriage counseling and personal therapy to do it but we did it.

As for sex, I struggled with that for a while. Should I EXPECT my wife to have sex with me? Shouldn't she control her own body?

I guess the bottom line is yes, she (and you) should. But if you expect to repair the marriage and keep it strong, an intimate sexual relationship (assuming you are both physically able) is an important part.

but if you are thinking of using the refusal of sex as part of the bargaining in your marriage, you may as well file for divorce now.

Amplexor

Good point CT. Rebuilding a sexual intimacy was also a part of our recovery.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

BigBadWolf

Absolutely.

Any affair men must be out of the picture first.

These are your feelings, and to this point, they are absolutely correct and I am hoping every good man and woman on this forum will read and understand this.

To maintain sexual relations from sympathy, or feelings of obligation, and to have this go on for a long while, will only heap resentment on top of resentment.

If you are not feeling on fire for your man, and feeling the wanting to rip his and your own clothes off in passionate anticipation, then there is something that needs to be fixed in the relationship.

All these things we speak of, to say the spark, or the chemistry, or the magic, or the attraction, or the lust, or the love, all these things are just this one thing, sexual attraction.

And whether sexual attraction is present or absent between a good man and woman, it is because very certain things in the relationship are either present or absent.

Resentment must be absent.

Trust must be present.

Insecurity must be absent.

Emotional connection must be present.

And again, to try to maintain a sexual relationship outside of this, which is perhaps looking like a woman having sex from feelings of obligation, or a man begging or bribing his woman for sex, these things are absolute poison to developing genuine sexual attraction, and being on fire for each other.

Okay this statement I admit I have no idea what you are talking about.

Should it not be assumed that the good man and woman together in marriage, that the marriage is intended as a sexual relationship?

Without sexual relations the emotoinal connections are just not going to be present, and this WILL lead to affairs and misery, as in a relationship between a man and a woman the emotional connection and sexual attraction are so entertwined as to be considered inseperable. When one is healthy, the other is healthy, and when one withers, the other withers.

On this point, I will be cautious of my comments.

First to say I understand what you are feeling, as to what I have already typed regarding the futility of trying to maintain a sexual relationship without attraction, it is only going to increase resentment.

Regardless, I would wager everyone reading this knows this without needing to be asked, that you should have control of your body. That is, well, sort of an obvious truth.

So I will caution that with that kind of language, and that kind of thinking, at best will be a self-fulfilling prophecy, as to assume because you should have control of your body means that you should just throw in the towel for the marriage and give up on fixing the issues including the lack of sexual attraction, well, excuse the bluntness, but that is nothing but a cop out.

For anyone in a relationship knows these things, when the sexual structure is proper, then our deepest desires are to share to the uttermost with the one we love. And when those feelings are not in place, of course we are wanting to hold close to ourselves, to wall up our emotions. We do these things to protect ourselves absolutely.

The issues that are needing to be worked on, resentment inside you toward your husband that is like pouring an ocean of water on the fires of sexual attraction, is needing to be addressed.

As well, the resentment no doubt as big as the mountain inside your husband, heaped resentment on top of resentment by your seeking attention outside of the marriage, is also needing addressed.

Your husband will NEVER do the things that he needs to be doing for him to light the fire of sexual attraction inside you until his resentment is dealt with.

And even then if he were to do everything well to perfection, until you yourself have dealt with your own resentment, will it all be in vain.

For where there is resentment, there is not sexual attraction.

Kill the resentment between the both of you, and the sexual fire that can be lit can be burning bright indeed.

I wish you well!