Originally Posted by Seeker
I'm in a 20+ yr. marriage & for many years have felt no attraction for my husband. I ended up having an online affair, which I regret, and now my husband & I are trying to decide whether to try to stay together or split up. If the spark has been gone for this long, is it possible to get it back?
Any affair men must be out of the picture first.
After years of trying to 'do the right thing' and have sex when I didn't want to, I'm reluctant to even try to work on the issue.
These are your feelings, and to this point, they are absolutely correct and I am hoping every good man and woman on this forum will read and understand this.
To maintain sexual relations from sympathy, or feelings of obligation, and to have this go on for a long while, will only heap resentment on top of resentment.
If you are not feeling on fire for your man, and feeling the wanting to rip his and your own clothes off in passionate anticipation, then there is something that needs to be fixed in the relationship.
All these things we speak of, to say the spark, or the chemistry, or the magic, or the attraction, or the lust, or the love, all these things are just this one thing, sexual attraction.
And whether sexual attraction is present or absent between a good man and woman, it is because very certain things in the relationship are either present or absent.
Resentment must be absent.
Trust must be present.
Insecurity must be absent.
Emotional connection must be present.
And again, to try to maintain a sexual relationship outside of this, which is perhaps looking like a woman having sex from feelings of obligation, or a man begging or bribing his woman for sex, these things are absolute poison to developing genuine sexual attraction, and being on fire for each other.
But other than that, we're good together. I don't want to destroy our kids, our life together over sex.
Okay this statement I admit I have no idea what you are talking about.
Should it not be assumed that the good man and woman together in marriage, that the marriage is intended as a sexual relationship?
Without sexual relations the emotoinal connections are just not going to be present, and this WILL lead to affairs and misery, as in a relationship between a man and a woman the emotional connection and sexual attraction are so entertwined as to be considered inseperable. When one is healthy, the other is healthy, and when one withers, the other withers.
I know he's hurt by all of this, but at some point I feel like I should have control over my own body.
On this point, I will be cautious of my comments.
First to say I understand what you are feeling, as to what I have already typed regarding the futility of trying to maintain a sexual relationship without attraction, it is only going to increase resentment.
Regardless, I would wager everyone reading this knows this without needing to be asked, that you should have control of your body. That is, well, sort of an obvious truth.
So I will caution that with that kind of language, and that kind of thinking, at best will be a self-fulfilling prophecy, as to assume because you should have control of your body means that you should just throw in the towel for the marriage and give up on fixing the issues including the lack of sexual attraction, well, excuse the bluntness, but that is nothing but a cop out.
For anyone in a relationship knows these things, when the sexual structure is proper, then our deepest desires are to share to the uttermost with the one we love. And when those feelings are not in place, of course we are wanting to hold close to ourselves, to wall up our emotions. We do these things to protect ourselves absolutely.
The issues that are needing to be worked on, resentment inside you toward your husband that is like pouring an ocean of water on the fires of sexual attraction, is needing to be addressed.
As well, the resentment no doubt as big as the mountain inside your husband, heaped resentment on top of resentment by your seeking attention outside of the marriage, is also needing addressed.
Your husband will NEVER do the things that he needs to be doing for him to light the fire of sexual attraction inside you until his resentment is dealt with.
And even then if he were to do everything well to perfection, until you yourself have dealt with your own resentment, will it all be in vain.
For where there is resentment, there is not sexual attraction.
Kill the resentment between the both of you, and the sexual fire that can be lit can be burning bright indeed.
I wish you well!