noneedforaname

I'm engaged to be married in 7 months and already I've noticed a decline in sex. It wasn't always like this and I'm more than aware of how a lack of sex (or terrible sex) can really screw up a relationship; even if all else is well.

I've talked to my wife-to-be about it, she's aware it's a problem and she's also aware that I have a very high sex drive and it a lack of sex really bugs me. My past is that of what some of you may call a "man *****" and to be completely honest it really annoys me that I had a more active sex life when I was single then I do in a committed relationship plus the benefit of having sex with a variety of different women.

I have no intention of cheating on her, I do love her and our relationship is great. However, at this very moment I'm some what content with masturbation..but I'm not entirely sure how long it'll last before I snap and say "there is no way I can go through with this for the rest of my life."

I'm not willing to ignore my sex drive in order to appease her.

Anyway as far as she goes it's between her medication (anti-depression) and she is grossed out by her body. She's not an overweight women by any means but she's not nearly as small as she was in high school (according to her).

At this point it seems like we only have sex when there is alcohol involved. Pretty annoying. I don't want to go through an entire bottle of Crown Royal just to be able to have sex with my wife to be.

The question I have for both men and women is looking back if you had caught on to the fact that your partner may have a low sex drive would you still go through with the marriage? Does everything else trump the lack of sex like happiness outside of the bedroom or kids? Or would you run for the hills?

There are no kids involved so it would be very easy for me to run for the hills. I love her to death and I do want to marry her but I don't want to be end up a miserable prick because of a lack of sex either.

I'm also concerned...due to my ability to have sex, very easily without being in a relationship and my past experiences in previous relationships may eventually end up an issue as well.

She tried to hit me one night (it frustrates her to converse about it) with "that's how it is in all relationships sex is frequent and then it kind of tapers off." Well, I know better so it's no way I'm going to buy into that bull****.

Anyway, I'm done rambling. Any sage advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

chillymorn

Run, Run,Run do not get married if sex is important to you.


Until you find someone your compatiable with sexually.

I speak from experiance it will only get worse.

chillymorn

I even registered to warn you the lack of desire to be sexuall with your spouse or soon to be spouse is a big red flag.


Althought my wife is a good mother and house keeper the lack of sex is making me resentfull and everyday it bothers me.

don't even think if she loved me she would want to work on it with me. Just dosen't happen like that

mike1

Dude, it is very likely to only get worse. After the pressures of marriage and possibly having kids in the future come along sex only declines.

I hate the thought of a relationship ending but believe me
it's better to find out now then 5 or 10 years later with a couple of kids running around.

noneedforaname

Thanks for that Mike and Chilly, I hear what you are saying but I think what bugs me is I'm constantly wondering if it will ALWAYS be like this. Our sex is amazing, when we do have it and apart of me feels that when she tries to downplay the significance of sex it's just her trying to avoid the conversation because she's embarrassed by her lack of desire due to medication and her insecurities with her body.

Personally, I think the medication excuse is BS. She's been on it since we met, I'm not really sure how suddenly it could kill her sex drive out of nowhere. I think it has more to do with her self esteem issues.

And I'm sure most of us can agree that dating someone with self esteem issues SUCKS.

I kind of feel like I should be there to help her work through these things but I don't want to do it in vain. Especially considering it needs to be 50/50 not just me talking until I'm blue in the face.

Another concern is I've been very active for the past four months, I've always had a slim build but now I'm stating to "tone up" more muscle definition and all that good stuff. I'm thinking it may get even worse when she seems me improving my physique where as far as she's concerned her's declining.

I also forgot to mention that she has thyroid disease so that's apart of her weight gain. I can assume she used to be VERY skinny prior to her thyroid issues because right now she is an average women.

Has anyone here had experience with dating a woman whom you don't necessarily find attractive? It's his / her personality that gets you. Is this something that can even be successful in the long run?

She has very attractive co-workers who constantly compliment me..and I'd prefer they not do that because as far as I'm concerned it makes her even more insecure making things worse for me in the bedroom.

I also want to emphasize she is a WONDERFUL woman. I think it's easier when the entire relationship sucks. But man..our relationship is awesome it's just the sex life is bleh. I almost feel like I need to either a. take a great women with a low sex drive or b. take and average to ****ty women with a high sex drive. I know those aren't the only two options but our the chances of meeting a woman who is not only amazing but can't keep her hands off me for the duration of the relationship?

Rambling again. Sorry.

ku1980rose

I'm going to comment on this post as a new wife who is in the same situation, but probably understand your fiance's side better. Our sex life tapered off before the year was up too and it seemed natural. I have been in other long relationships (never married) that it didn't ever taper off, but for some reason ours did. We've been married about a month and we don't have much of a sex life. My husband has never been pushy about sex, but I know that doesn't mean he doesn't want it. It's natural that he does. However, I am not as open about sex and am not usually the one to initiate it, so now that I am in a relationship with someone who doesn't initiate, it becomes very frustrating. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he is not a talker and when he gets upset he shuts down completely. Now I am finding that he has been looking at/watching porn on the computer when I am not around. I don't know how to settle the problem when he is being so "close lipped" about it all. I guess all I can suggest is that you do talk about it and you talk about it until you are both satisfied with the outcome. She may need to give more to you and you may need to be satisfied with less at times, but there has to be a happy medium. I am looking for that happy medium in my marriage, but can't find it with someone who shuts down whenever something needs to be discussed that isn't always pleasant.

COGypsy

So I'm pretty much you--except that I've been married for 4 years now and while my husband is by and large a great guy--

It never got better.

I've been rejected every conceivable way to the point where if he suddenly grew a libido, I doubt I could ever be attracted to him again. He's managed to kill every mental tie I have between him, passion, sex and love by making it clear that sex, sex with me, maybe just me, who knows? is impossible to conceive.

We don't touch. At all. Oh wait. A peck over coffee on our anniversary last week. We don't hold hands, we don't snuggle. Nothing. I decided that if I wasn't going to get sex, then I wasn't giving affection-it was just a big tease as far as I was concerned if it never went to the next step.

I've had two full-blown affairs. I don't want to be alone.

We had so many excuses and justifications before we got married that we just skimmed over that part, I think. And frankly, it's killing everything else we had--

There's always a chance that things could change. That you could learn to get by on less. That all the other wonderful things you share could be enough. But it didn't work out that way for me.

I'd think really carefully about whether you're willing to spend the rest of your life together with things exactly as they are right now, because this is likely to be the best it's at in terms of sex and passion with no kids, mortgages, etc. to provide even more stress on the situation.

unbelievable

My wife has low libido and there appears to be no end or relief in sight. Although I do love her, I stay frustrated pretty much all the time and often feel resentful (even though I intellectually know her condition is beyond her control). To answer your question, not only would I not marry a woman I knew had a low sex drive, knowing what I know now, I would probably run from anyone suffering from chronic depression, bipolar, BPD, or any other psych. disorder. It is possible to make a relationship work in spite of these issues, but it's like entering a sack race with a crippled partner. I wouldn't divorce a wife because she developed an illness, but there are perfectly acceptable, healthy, high functioning prospects to choose from. Would you buy a new car if you knew it had transmission problems which could never be fixed, especially if the price of a perfectly functioning one was actually cheaper?

ThinkTooMuch

I'll add my two bits, whatever is wrong before marriage gets worse with time.

Since sex is a key ingredient that holds a marriage together, despite your love for this fine woman, call the wedding off today, if you are unable to resolve libido issues.

Perhaps making too broad a statement, many women see a decline in libido with the passing years, and when the kids arrive ..., lots of men don't. You can have a similar level of interest into your 70s, perhaps later, I know of nursing homes that have couples' rooms that are reserved just like hotel rooms, the only bedrooms in the place with locks. Residents' avg age > 85.

My marriage started off fine, great sex for many years, then menopause, possibly anti-depressants and all of a sudden my wife and lover became a very asexual creature. I am getting closer and closer to filing for divorce, an action I could not have imagined 3 years ago.

For the sake of the woman you love either resolve this issue or call off the wedding. Both of you will become increasingly unhappy and you will look upon your marriage not as a source of joy, but the worst mistake you ever made.

noneedforaname

Thanks for all of your responses, it's given me a lot to think about. I was kind of hoping we would cruise into marriage and live happily ever after. As I've stated I'm not yet miserable..but I can't help but think that it won't last long. I'm not sure how long I can keep my resentment and frustration in check.

chillymorn

Thanks for all of your responses, it's given me a lot to think about. I was kind of hoping we would cruise into marriage and live happily ever after. As I've stated I'm not yet miserable..but I can't help but think that it won't last long. I'm not sure how long I can keep my resentment and frustration in check.





Its always difficult to make the tough decisions in life but in the end your life will be richer.

Good luck

p.s. I wish I had a fourm like this 17 yrs ago when I was thinking the same thing as you are now. I would at least have a pre nup of some sorts to protect any assets you have.

unbelievable

No matter who you end up with, it won't be a "cruise". More like a voyage with a mixture of calm seas and hurricanes.

Scannerguard

I'm going to have to agree with the majority here.

I am guessing you are 25ish to 28ish. . .and I was like you - on a scale of 1 to 10, I was like a 9.8 on a libido scale and I saw this during engagement - a decine. . .then marriage a 50% drop. . .and then kid 1 - a 90% drop and she said the same, exact, DAMN thing -

"Well, all sex tapers off between married couples. Didn't you know that?" She just needed to add a "Duh!" in there.

and try this one for size:

"That's not a reason you get married."

This doesn't bode well.

There's also another saying, "No man is worth a damn til he's 40."

Why not just be single for awhile? I am sure your fiancee is a good person/woman and probably needs a man about my age given her sexual temperament. ( I am NOT making a between the lines suggestion here, lol)

I think there is a very valid reason that men are often a few years older than their spouse and they marry "down" - their reproductive potentials often match because the male libido towers over the female libido.

Sow your wild oats and settle down in a few years, when you are worth a damn.

I know now. . .my libido is now a 8. Wow - it's dropped a little to being sensible. I can even go a whole day without an orgasm sometimes (lol). I could actually probably match up with your fiancee and even be happy with "I'm going to just have sex to make you happy" sex 20-30% of the time.

Honestly, now that I am almost divorced, I feel more suited for marriage than ever (other than the petrifying fear of failure again I deal with )

I am totally speaking in generalizations here as usual. . .since women peak at age 37. . .but their "peak" actually matches my decline.

See what I mean?

It's like what one comedian joked:

"I told my father that I am going to get married and then I am going to be able to have sex. . .ALL THE TIME! and he laughed and said, "Uh yeah, that's what you think, son!"

noneedforaname

I hear you, but I've already sewn my royal oats , many times over. Of course I can't imagine having any complaints about doing it again if it came down to it.

MEM11363

NNFAN,
This is the deal. In "good" marriages both partners put each others needs first. So when she wants to talk about something bothering her and have you listen and be supportive you do it. You don't try to problem solve, you listen and sympathize. And when you want her to make the "effort" to let you get her in the mood, she does. She doesn't say "not tonight I don't feel like it".

In average marriages "someone" gets good at getting the other person to meet "their" needs, but it is very one sided. These marriages tend to last a long time as there is one person (sounds like this is you) who tries a lot harder - we will call this person "the giver" and is highly committed, and their spouse does not try hard "the taker" and makes excuses/blames the "giver" for actually wanting to be loved back.

That said, if you actually want to have a highly sexual marriage that STAYS that way you have to master the art of being nice and kind and supportive and loving while ALSO being good at defining what is acceptable behavior to you and what is not. If you are always nice/kind/supportive and don't demand that YOUR needs get taken seriously than she will lose respect for you. And once she loses respect she WILL lose desire. In general a man can have sex with a woman he doesn't respect. A woman is typically not able to.

But for it to all work, this also means you have to learn what she needs you to do inside and outside the bedroom for her to like having sex with you. So force an honest discussion about THAT. I bet there is a lot you don't know about what she likes/dislikes sexually.

The three biggest reasons I still have a great sex life are:
1. I have gradually become a true expert at what turns her on and what turns her off. In and out of bed. This required me to check my ego at the door and really watch and learn and listen.
2. I am overall a great partner. She is still in love with me.
3. I have consistently communicated that sex is simply not an optional part of marriage. So she does what she needs to do on her side to keep that part of our marriage good for her. Sometimes that takes effort - she makes the effort.


If it was me, I would put the wedding on hold until she understands that she is marrying someone who needs the physical part of the marriage to be something the wife is strongly committed to.

About 2 months before my wedding - 20+ years ago my W told me she wasn't sure she wanted to marry unless I converted to her religion. Now this was a topic we had discussed and resolved over a year earlier.

I didn't yell, I didn't scream. I didn't even get angry. We were living together at the time and we were just outside the house in my car. I simply said "I will never ever convert, if that is a showstopper for you lets cancel the wedding. However this is your only shot at a wedding with guests. If we jerk everyone around like this last minute, the only wedding you will ever have with me is the two of us and a priest. I am not pressuring you, I won't be mad or leave you if you cancel the wedding. It really is ok. But since you had over a year to think about it before we announced the date, the consequence to this last minute change of heart will be that you forfeit the right to involve anyone in a "second shot".

Guess what, within an hour she dropped the issue and said she wanted to proceed. And on and off for 20+ years I have had to do stuff like that. Otherwise the doormat outside our front door - well by now that would be me. No thanks.