Fac 51

I have been married to my beautiful, loving wife for 10 years and we have been together for 16 years, we have 2 children. We met as friends as she worked for me and after 2 years got together. It was all very exiting at the beginning, we bought our first house, got married etc etc We did have sex but it was not regular and infact she did question this before we got married, I guess we thought I had a low sex drive and was not a very tactile person. I had only had 2 serious relationships prior to that and they again were not massively sexual.

As children came along the sex got less and less frequent, every couple of months became once or twice a year. Our first child took 2 and a half years to conceive, not because of any physical issues but mainly because we were not having sex often enough at the correct times. I remember feeling a strange kind of relief when she fell pregnant as this meant we would not need to have sex for 9 months.

The strange thing is that I find my wife stunning, I always have and I have always felt very lucky to be with her. We always got on extremely well and people used to comment how happy we were.

My wife settled with the fact that I was just not that interested in sex but pressures of life and a young family caused us to argue about things in a way that we never had before and the affection in our relationship started to go as well.

I met an old friend whilst out one night, we had so much fun and I felt a strange physical attraction to her and I could feel that it was mutual, one thing led to another and we kissed. I felt mortified and thought about confessing all to my wife which I should have done but I could not stop thinking about the other woman. We did not meet up again until 3 months after that kiss but kept in touch through text and email etc . She was everything that my wife wasn't, I was attracted to her mentally as well as physically and although I did not see her as stunning as my wife I found her very sexual. One thing led to another and the affair reached another level, we were having sex alot and all of a sudden I began to realise that I was a very affectionate person and quite highly sexual. The affair went on and off for over a year with both of us stopping contact at various stages as we knew it was wrong but something kept on bringing us back together.

I realised that the affair had to end and I suppose I did not go about it in the right way, if there really is a right way ! and did not take the other woman's feelings into consideration just focussing on my wife and the hurt that I had caused her. I confessed all but she had already worked it out and naturally she was devastated. Not only had I had an affair, I had been sexual with another woman and had lied to her for a year. These were all completely out of character.

My wife and I are still trying to reconcile and it has been a very difficult 6 months. The problem is that I still do not see her in a sexual way, stunning yes!, kind yes!, do I love her yes! but if I came home and she was laying on the bed in her underwear would I want to have sex with her? No. I just dont understand why I dont see her in that way and I am not sure if I ever have. I have spoken to other people about this who have suggested that I may love her like a sister or that I am staying because of the guilt or am too scared to leave her because of what I have done, I really dont know. I have looked into Madonna/***** syndrome and I suppose there is an element of that..I do still think about the other woman alot and try and understand why I was so attracted to her and why I was so sexual with her.

Naturally this issue of sexual desire has become even more of an issue because of what I have done and I have spoken to my wife about it which of course hurt her even more which is the last thing I wanted to do. She does not understand how I can think she is beautifull and not want to have sex with her and neither do I. Her confidence is rock bottom and all I am doing is hurting her even more..The whole dealing with the afair compounded with the fact that I dont see her in a sexual way is putting tremendous pressure on the marriage and she does not want to live in a marriage without intimacy now that she knows I can be that way with someone else and to be honest neither do I, we have talked of divorce.

The question I am asking I suppose is if it will ever come back and maybe I suppose was it ever really there in the first place. How can you find someone beautiful and not want to have sex with them?

Scannerguard

There is one theory out there among researchers and it's only a theory so I would want this placed in the category of "Wild and crazy theories" but there is a lot of research being done into human pheremones.

She may be visually stunning to you but there may be a lack of "olfactory attraction" between you two.

Okay, that theory aside, I know this is weird too. . .and I think this is perhaps a more likely idea:

A. You find your wife "stunning" (let's say a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10)
B. You found your lover "okay" (let's say a 6 or a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10)

But you were more "sexual" with the 6 or a 7.

I know, like you, I have always asked out women who I thought were "in my league" because, among the main reason of intimidation, to feel good about myself during sex, I feel like I have to be just as attractive as them.

So, if you see yourself as a 6 or a 7, you naturally want to have sex with a 6 or a 7 (or lower).

I recently asked a woman out who I used to think would be "outta my league" (I am divorcing). . .and wow, wanna know something?. .. she said "Yes."

I got out of the mindset you are in with "looks", that physical beauty is only one facet of what attracts a woman to a man and a man to a woman. Yes, she is a beautiful woman and gets a lot of looks from guys and probably will for a long time but that it's perfectly acceptable to go out with "vanilla me" (or have sex eventually, hopefully ). She may be "model material", but I know she's an imperfect person perhaps deserving of me and vice-versa.

To put this simply, after perhaps getting in your head (if you at all think like I used to), your wife needs you to take her. She needs you to be a man and "take her." That means make love to her, **** her, casual sex, etc.

If you can't consummate this thing because you are unable for whatever "headspace reason", I would advise you as a therapist-wannabe to just divorce and remain friends.

One way or the other, you have to get over yourself.

yogachick

I think it's the wh**e/madonna syndrome....just my guess. My husband has it and is addicted to porn (which he acknowledges but hides) and was raised Catholic...if that sheds any light on this. I think you need personal counseling. I wish my husband would go......he just keeps stuffing it under the rug, pretending nothing is wrong. When my husband told the marriage counselor he was physically attracted to me I couldn't believe it....OK, so where is the sex????

Fac 51

So if its the Madonna/***** syndrome what does that actually mean?? How will counselling help me to see her in a sexual way again? or does it mean that I need be with someone who is a 6/7 rather than a 9/10? and let her go and find someone who is going to treat her like a woman..

yogachick

It means, Those are the lips that kiss your children so they shouldn't be sucking your c**k

Blanca

I think this is where my marriage is headed. My H says he thinks im beautiful but he shows no attraction to me. it is sad.

I think what you have to ask yourself is now that you know you can actually be very attracted to someone else can your marriage ever really be good? i personally dont think it can.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
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SimplyAmorous

I wonder how it would effect you if you learned your wife had a hot affair with another man? I have read (please do not misunderstand me- I am not condoing this) but I have heard it stated that (some) men who have lost attraction to their wives, sometimes this does a wonder for their said "attraction" problems , just thinking about her giving herself to another.

Again, I am not condoning this behaviour, just asking , if you learned of such a situation, would you feel a new flood of emotions towards her?

hencoen

i think that its natural that your losing your attraction over the years
so now you start working on it!
do u love yor wife?
do u want to be better 4 her?

so start investing in your relationship
there is ways to spice up your love life...

Fac 51

I disagree , I dont think you should lose your attraction over the years, I think your relationship changes and sex is not the most important thing but it should still be a part of the relationship... I do agree that you should work at things but surely the basic attraction should be there?? how can you initiate or work at something that you are not feeling or do not want to do??

The problem I have is that I just do not see her in that way at all and the more she talks about it and the bigger the issue we make of it the less I want to do it..

I was content to continue as we were before I met the other woman but now I know I can be that way and feel those things I want a relationship that has all of those things..

As much as I want to keep the marriage and family together part of me feels that I am doing so becasue of the children and because of what I have done, and the reason I did what I did was because I had never felt that way with my wife in the first place..

yogachick

Actions create feelings, fake it till you make it...pretend you find her desireable and the feelings will follow.

Nekko

[QUOTE=Fac 51;183564]
The problem I have is that I just do not see her in that way at all and the more she talks about it and the bigger the issue we make of it the less I want to do it..
/QUOTE]

What's the difference between your wife and the other woman, as personality? What did you like about that woman that seems to be missing in your wife?

Don't think this is happening just because of basic, instinctual attraction. That basic instinctual attraction is triggered by something quite logical.

Ex : women attracted to jerks...they may not figure it out initially but they are really attracted to them because they are healthy, seem confident, capable of taking care of themselves and protecting their offspring. men attracted to women with big boobs : because they seem fertile, fit as mothers etc.

As you see, this 'inexplicable desire' that people claim is just there or not, is there for a reason! The desire for your wife is also lacking for a reason.

From the very start, sex with your wife comes with complication. In a way, you might feel forced to do it, to keep your marriage together (you're probably reminded every time she asks for it). People don't like to be forced into things. This is pure speculation from my part (but i don't really know you, i can only assume).

It sounds like at this point your mind is probably pressing the breaks and saying a firm "NO, i don't want to". Your conscious mind may think you need to compromise for the sake of your marriage. The back of your mind knows you really don't want to and is annoyed by the idea of 'obligation' for something that should be spontaneous and pleasurable, like sex. Hence there's no attraction whatsoever. Does this make any sense?

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