I would like to talk about this. Specifically, I am talking to people who enjoy this as a lifestyle, who basically have probably an inborn need for it, who have been kinky since early childhood, or at least as long as they can remember.
I am not really talking about bedroom games, with an equal relationship outside the sex chamber, though I think thoughts from anyone should be considered. We all have learned things in life, and someone who isn't like this could still have helpful information to offer.
So, I have been kinky ever since I can remember, and it is not going away, anymore than my height or the color of my eyes.
But I married a man who is not kinky. And while he enjoys that I am, and certainly benefits from it, he is not naturally this way himself, and I think it is a kind of mismatch.
But I am not giving up this relationship. We have been together for nearly 21 years, and he is just a great guy, in every way. I have just had too many women over time tell me he is a great guy to prioritize kink over the general relationship.
But this need for more does not go away. And I want to find a way to probably up dh's willingness to do more, even though it is not something he needs.
I can just talk to him about it, and that might work. He really does love me, and he will listen, and somewhat act, to some extent. But he does read these boards, and I think posting about it, and maybe getting some input from other posters, will make more of an impression on him than just my talking to him.
My real concern is that throughout the marriage, I have been attracted to other men, and I don't like that. My dh is a wonderful guy, and I feel like that energy should go to him.
I know many people feel that attraction to other people is normal, and to some extent it is, but I don't feel right about it. I feel like 100% of me should go to my dh. I really feel I should be 100% dedicated to him, and subsequently, to our children. That just feels right to me.
I know he appreciates this, but sometimes I think it has been used against me. I need to matter, too. And that is where I don't know where the balance is.
I used to have temper tantrums around kink. I would beg him to make this a priority, because I am not going to go outside of the marriage to get it. He is really my only way to get it, to feel his power, and for many years he always said no, the kids would hear. And I understood this, and of course want what is best for the kids, too, and so would blow up, apologize, and put it off until the next blowup.
He did always say that when the kids got older, there would be more opportunity. And that is true. We can be together in this way more now than before. But we have another 13 years before we are empty nesters. I will be 56 and he 59. I don't really want to wait that long.
I think the real problem, though, is that it is not a need for him. He enjoys it, he certainly loves the power, but it is not a need. He does not feel frustrated when it is not fulfilled. I think he feels very satisfied in his type and level of dominance.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home filled with dominant men. I hated my dad and couldn't wait to get away from him. And yet, I am naturally attracted, to some extent, to abusers. I don't think I would have stayed with an abuser, but I am attracted to them.
So having dh, this upstanding young French executive, who at one point had considered the priesthood, just to serve the poor, and who just exuded (and still exudes) goodness, tell me one day 21 years ago that he loved me, kind of shocked me. He is a genuinely good guy, genuinely secure. In my opinion, truly a liberated man. He could be really happy in an equal marriage. Or could have been before he was with me. Now he probably could not. He's spoiled.
I cannot deny him, and I don't just mean sexually. I feel like the whole point of my life is to please him, to make him happy in every way. I feel really bad when I do not please him completely. And he tells me regularly how much he "enjoys" me and how "fully satisfied" he is with me. So I know I am doing more or less a good job, according to his requirements.
Harmony in the marriage, and subsequently in the family, is the number one priority in my life, and there is almost nothing I will not do to maintain it. I think I am an INFP, according to the Myers-Briggs test. Can you tell?
But I would like to feel the same way as I make dh feel, and I think not feeling attracted to other men would be a good gauge.
Dh, I know you are reading. What are you willing to do? How much of a priority are you willing to make me? How much do you care?
Fellow readers, have you experienced something like this? Is this too taboo of a subject to talk about? Surely someone else out there has dealt with this, too. I would appreciate your input.
I'm not really asking for any one specific thing or act or practice from dh. I really just want more of a general openness and subsequent commitment to action. I don't think I even have one particular thing in mind, just an overall attitude.
Last thing: Where there is a will, there is a way. Dh told me for years we could not go out to dinner alone together. We always had to take the kids. I would ask to have a babysitter, and it was always no, the kids need to be with us, they need their parents.
Well, one day his boss asked him for us to have dinner with him the next day. All of a sudden, dh found the names of two babysitters.
I was stunned. When I had asked, repeatedly, over the years, it was just not possible, he didn't know any sittters, the kids needed us, blah blah blah. But when his boss wanted something, my gosh, it was going to happen.
I guess I would just like to be the priority his work is, at least some of the time.
Kind of scared to post this, but here goes.
One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man