Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I was attracted to nearly all men and almost had a radar for them. I'd spot them even at great distances and yes, i'd fantasize about men i've met, men i've imagined etc. Of course, that often made me feel guilty.
Now that the relationship with my husband is getting better and i'm starting to recover some of the attraction for him i mostly fantasize about him. I also learned that fantasies aren't supposed to have anything to do with real life. If, say, we're low on confidence, we tend to fantasize about someone that confirms our value. Doesn't matter that the person is still human, with flaws etc....we just put a magnifying glass on what we need from them and ignore everything else (older men want to feel young and fantasize about younger women desiring them, women fantasize about romantic men who listen to them and court them...etc. all that is rarely if ever real).
I can't really speak for all men, of course, but for myself and most of the guys I've known sexual fantasy is where men can be completely selfish, totally uninhibited, and carnally depraved. Just go online to some hardcore fetish sites, and you'll see what I'm talking about. The idea of treating a lover with such disrespect is not very appealing to most men that I know, and the only way to have these fantasies is to think of someone else. I'm not saying that every male fantasy is immoral and disgusting, but those thoughts are often the ones that will get him off the fastest. I do think of my wife when I masturbate, just not very often. I admit that I do fantasize about some of her friends, but I have no desire in real life to be with any of them. Men definitely compartmentalize sex, and I have never heard of a man feeling guilty about thinking of other women when he's pleasuring himself, and I don't see why you should feel guilty about enjoying your private thoughts, either.
Well, yeah, but what if the "lover" would love her man to be completely selfish, totally uninhibited and carnally depraved? How could you let such a man know that's what you want without him hiding in the shell of "i'm not really that depraved, honey"? Is this even possible?
I know what you're talking about. I watch porn as well. I think most women would want to be so carnally depraved if they weren't raised to believe it was wrong.
As for the feeling guilty part, yes, you probably compartimentize things better i guess. You also grow up with porn (well most of you) and i guess you learn to objectify a woman more easily. When i mentally screw a guy, there's a part of me that feels as if he's actually there and i'm actually doing it.
I can't really speak for all men, of course, but for myself and most of the guys I've known sexual fantasy is where men can be completely selfish, totally uninhibited, and carnally depraved. Just go online to some hardcore fetish sites, and you'll see what I'm talking about. The idea of treating a lover with such disrespect is not very appealing to most men that I know, and the only way to have these fantasies is to think of someone else. I'm not saying that every male fantasy is immoral and disgusting, but those thoughts are often the ones that will get him off the fastest. I do think of my wife when I masturbate, just not very often. I admit that I do fantasize about some of her friends, but I have no desire in real life to be with any of them. Men definitely compartmentalize sex, and I have never heard of a man feeling guilty about thinking of other women when he's pleasuring himself, and I don't see why you should feel guilty about enjoying your private thoughts, either.
I applaud your honesty here & you are probably right about the majority of men doing this. I bet you have not shared these thoughts with your wife though!!! And IF she asked , I really wonder how you would respond ?
I hate even saying this cause most would not believe it, but my husband does not masterbate, not while we have been married (except for once). Now adays, he would not even have an opportunity but anyway.... His words -he feels it is "cheating". I DO believe him cause I was accually UPSET (very upset infact) to hear that when I asked because it confirmed to me, what a lower sex drive he has in comparison to other men, not at all what I wanted when mine was sky high. He had/has NO reason on earth to lie to me cause I did it -many times while married & told him so (while he was sleeping & I didn't always want to wake him) so I guess I "cheated" alot ! He was a little upset by this -he had no idea (we didn't use to talk about such things), but I was upset he did not come after me more in those days. He wanted it way more but suffered in silence instead. Then when we did do it, he would literally go within a minute of pumping! Somehow , he managed to get me off 1st every time though. He had a tremendous amount of self control in more ways than one.
And yes, I thought of other men probably 50% of the time. Some hot rock star, my favorite actor. I also thought of him, some thrilling memory , some fantasy with him. The mind can go SOOOO many places.
But anyway, I asked him again last night, he reminded me he doesnt do it but IF he did, and before he married me. YES he would be fantazing on what he was looking at -he used to do it looking at magazines, as often as 3 times a day when in his youth.
I just say, Simply "very normal" - for men or women, doesn't mean we do not love our spouses at all.
I applaud your honesty here & you are probably right about the majority of men doing this. I bet you have not shared these thoughts with your wife though!!! And IF she asked , I really wonder how you would respond ?
I have sort of shared these thoughts with her. She knows that I masturbate, and that I don't always think of her, and she says she's cool with that. But there's no way in hell I'd tell her specifically what I'm thinking! For one thing, she's the jealous type, and a little bit insecure, and if she found out that I fantasize about her friends she'd be totally devestated. Then, once she had calmed down a little, she'd try to kill me. She is definitely the type who might consider my actions cheating. I simply can't understand this thinking. I wouldn't be upset at all if she thought about someone else when she's pleasuring herself, even if it was someone she knows. Maybe that's just me, though.
Re: Women, Men, and Porn. 
