Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I've been reading a lot of posts here, and there seems to be a general opinion that porn is only, or at least mostly, for men. I look at online porn, and almost every website is full of pics and vids of men and women, together or alone, of all ages, colours, body types and sexual orientations, doing every conceivable sex act. A huge number of websites are dedicated to lesbian porn, but men like to watch it, so by some peoples rationale, lesbian porn is just for men. Clearly porn has something for everyone who's interested in it, not just men. Women also need to understand three important things:
1. Almost every man alive today has looked at porn, and he's been looking at it since WAY before he met you. Many men feel the need for sexual release several times a day, and porn can be a reliable way to achieve this quickly. It's more of a physical need for release than a desire for actual sex. Would you be any happier if he was just thinking about other women when he masturbates, instead of looking at pictures of them? Can any women here honestly say that when they masturbate, they only think of their partner? I can tell you this, if he's not looking at strangers on the computer, he'll be fantasizing about women that he actally knows. You can't force him to stop masturbating, so which would you rather have him do?
2. 99 x out of 100, his porn watching habits have nothing to do with you not being good enough in bed. Maybe he's horny, but too tired from the day to approach you for sex. Maybe he did approach you for sex, but YOU were too tired. Maybe he has a low sex drive, and needs something naughty to get in the mood. Women do this all the time with "romance novels", and never seem to think there's anything wrong with it, even though many of those books are as sexually explicit as visual porn. There are so many reasons a man might look at porn, but mostly I think it's just a very old, familiar habit.
3. If your partner watches porn, the last thing you want to do is confront him in an angry, hurt, or accusatory way. For one thing, you will never get an honest answer from him if you corner him like this. He'll be embarrassed, defensive, angry, and will say anything to "get out of trouble". It's almost guaranteed that at least one of his parents shamed him into secrecy about porn and masturbation when he was young. Being confronted about it, especially by a woman that he loves, can bring all that shame and humiliation back in an instant. Women often think of men as being emotionally shallow, but we are every bit as complex and vulnerable as they are.
The bottom line is, he's not doing it to hurt you. Don't take it personally. He's not comparing you to the women he sees, any more than you are comparing him to other men. Although he knows it might make you angry, it has probably never even occured to him that you might actually be hurt by him watching porn, because he would have no problem with you watching it. If you insist that he stops looking at it, you need to at least offer him something to take its place. If you're not willing to do that, then you don't have the right to tell him to stop.
I've been reading a lot of posts here, and there seems to be a general opinion that porn is only, or at least mostly, for men. I look at online porn, and almost every website is full of pics and vids of men and women, together or alone, of all ages, colours, body types and sexual orientations, doing every conceivable sex act. A huge number of websites are dedicated to lesbian porn, but men like to watch it, so by some peoples rationale, lesbian porn is just for men. Clearly porn has something for everyone who's interested in it, not just men. Women also need to understand three important things:
1. Almost every man alive today has looked at porn, and he's been looking at it since WAY before he met you. Many men feel the need for sexual release several times a day, and porn can be a reliable way to achieve this quickly. It's more of a physical need for release than a desire for actual sex. Would you be any happier if he was just thinking about other women when he masturbates, instead of looking at pictures of them? Can any women here honestly say that when they masturbate, they only think of their partner? I can tell you this, if he's not looking at strangers on the computer, he'll be fantasizing about women that he actally knows. You can't force him to stop masturbating, so which would you rather have him do?
2. 99 x out of 100, his porn watching habits have nothing to do with you not being good enough in bed. Maybe he's horny, but too tired from the day to approach you for sex. Maybe he did approach you for sex, but YOU were too tired. Maybe he has a low sex drive, and needs something naughty to get in the mood. Women do this all the time with "romance novels", and never seem to think there's anything wrong with it, even though many of those books are as sexually explicit as visual porn. There are so many reasons a man might look at porn, but mostly I think it's just a very old, familiar habit.
3. If your partner watches porn, the last thing you want to do is confront him in an angry, hurt, or accusatory way. For one thing, you will never get an honest answer from him if you corner him like this. He'll be embarrassed, defensive, angry, and will say anything to "get out of trouble". It's almost guaranteed that at least one of his parents shamed him into secrecy about porn and masturbation when he was young. Being confronted about it, especially by a woman that he loves, can bring all that shame and humiliation back in an instant. Women often think of men as being emotionally shallow, but we are every bit as complex and vulnerable as they are.
The bottom line is, he's not doing it to hurt you. Don't take it personally. He's not comparing you to the women he sees, any more than you are comparing him to other men. Although he knows it might make you angry, it has probably never even occured to him that you might actually be hurt by him watching porn, because he would have no problem with you watching it. If you insist that he stops looking at it, you need to at least offer him something to take its place. If you're not willing to do that, then you don't have the right to tell him to stop.
I was talking to my husband about this today. I told him that some women become defensive about this issue. My husband said, if she tries to defend her rights, then he will try to defend his rights. OK, nobody wins!!!
Just understand him and let him have a little bit of fun as long as it doesn't hurt your relationship.
I have been looking into this issue myself lately. My man doesn't look at porn (at least not that I've seen) but he was the one to show me the couple that I've seen and has since given them away. Probably because I laughed at them (see Greenpearl's thread, 'What's wrong with porn?') I was 23 at the time and I did seriously think it was funny and did not understand how that was a turn on. He said looking at it 'through my eyes' he thought it was pretty funny too. He is 10yrs older than me and even though I wasn't a virgin when we met, I had essentially only been with one other and was pretty un-knowledgeable about sex, looking back I can say VERY 'wet behind the ears!' Still am maybe but improving!
I can very much see how a man viewing porn can hurt a woman's feelings. A woman wants to be the 'one' he is lusting after, the one who is causing his arousal. If he is getting turned on by something else it is a bit of a blow for the woman. A woman's insecurities get tied up in this. Now that I am a little older and see sex maybe in a different light, that when men get older they need a little more stimulation and as women get older, some become more confident in themselves and aren't intimidated as easily.
Nowadays, I'm up for whatever gets him goin! If looking at porn is going to make our sex life better, then lets have at it! I think maybe he is a bit reluctant in getting one because he is afraid I will But hey! That was almost 12yrs ago! I've matured (I think!)
1. HGTV (ever see them mesmerized and their tongue hanging out?)
2. Those romance novels where the male character is so emotionally perfect no scrotum-scratching, Eagles football-watching guy could ever live up to it.
I have been looking into this issue myself lately. My man doesn't look at porn (at least not that I've seen) but he was the one to show me the couple that I've seen and has since given them away. Probably because I laughed at them (see Greenpearl's thread, 'What's wrong with porn?') I was 23 at the time and I did seriously think it was funny and did not understand how that was a turn on. He said looking at it 'through my eyes' he thought it was pretty funny too. He is 10yrs older than me and even though I wasn't a virgin when we met, I had essentially only been with one other and was pretty un-knowledgeable about sex, looking back I can say VERY 'wet behind the ears!' Still am maybe but improving!
I can very much see how a man viewing porn can hurt a woman's feelings. A woman wants to be the 'one' he is lusting after, the one who is causing his arousal. If he is getting turned on by something else it is a bit of a blow for the woman. A woman's insecurities get tied up in this. Now that I am a little older and see sex maybe in a different light, that when men get older they need a little more stimulation and as women get older, some become more confident in themselves and aren't intimidated as easily.
Nowadays, I'm up for whatever gets him goin! If looking at porn is going to make our sex life better, then lets have at it! I think maybe he is a bit reluctant in getting one because he is afraid I will But hey! That was almost 12yrs ago! I've matured (I think!)
He might be scared of you! I am trying to think like him: What is going on in this woman's head? She wants me to watch PORN? Yeah...........LET"S GO!!!
1. HGTV (ever see them mesmerized and their tongue hanging out?)
2. Those romance novels where the male character is so emotionally perfect no scrotum-scratching, Eagles football-watching guy could ever live up to it.
(am I jealous of Dirk and Fabio? a little )
I like Zac Efron. He is handsome. He can sing and dance. Do I feel bad that my husband is not like him. Hell NO NO NO!!!
Well, I have no real problem with porn, or my boyfriend looking at it, so long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life.
However, I do have to say...yes, I can honestly say that I only think of him when I do masturbate. I know, it probably sounds weird and unbelievable to you, so I'll try to explain, but it won't be easy.
I had sex the first time at age 18. It was...so-so. Not the best experience, but definitely not the worst either. I had a few other partners between that one and my first husband. They were all, like the first, just so-so. None of them ever made me orgasm. In fact...the only way I ever did was by myself.
My ex-husband...well, he wasn't a very nice guy. He started out just very selfish in bed. Only cared about himself, in fact he once went so far as to say "I got mine...I'm done" before rolling over and going to sleep. As time went on, he got worse. He got too rough with me, and if I asked him not to do that, he'd just laugh and do it even harder the next time. I got to the point where I wouldn't have sex with him. But I only got away with that for so long before he'd tell me that either I had sex with him or he'd just do it anyway.
Eventually, I realized that what he was doing was really wrong, and along with his cheating, and other things, decided I was done. I got the courage, and the support of family and my best friend at the time and divorced him.
I spent the next few years not dating, or dating only rarely. Then I met my boyfriend. And I instantly fell head over heels for him. And I wanted him...which was very unusual for me. Even before my ex, sex had just seemed like...a chore, something I did because society expected it, which meant that the guy I was with expected it. But I actually wanted my boyfriend...like seriously wanted to just rip his clothes off and jump him right then and there.
The first time we had sex, he made me orgasm with just his hand before he even got my clothes off. That alone made him a sex god in my book. But, seriously, he has always taken the time to make sure that not only am I ready for sex, but that I enjoy it. We have never had sex where I didn't have an orgasm.
Looking at porn doesn't do anything for me. I can appreciate a handsome man passing me in the street, but I don't want to have sex with him, and don't really find anything all that interesting about fantasizing about sex with him. But give me 5 minutes alone with a memory of my boyfriend and I together, and I'm good to go.
Maybe I'm just weird. I don't know. But, as I said in the beginning, I have no problem with him looking at porn. I'll watch it with him, it just doesn't do anything for me.
Well, I have no real problem with porn, or my boyfriend looking at it, so long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life.
However, I do have to say...yes, I can honestly say that I only think of him when I do masturbate. I know, it probably sounds weird and unbelievable to you... but give me 5 minutes alone with a memory of my boyfriend and I together, and I'm good to go.
Maybe I'm just weird. I don't know. But, as I said in the beginning, I have no problem with him looking at porn. I'll watch it with him, it just doesn't do anything for me.
I completely agree that porn is only a problem when it interferes with sex, and any man or woman who chooses porn over a loving partner has some serious issues to deal with. I think it's really awesome that you think of your bf when you masturbate. It's different for men. We don't want to involve the woman we love and respect in the kind of stuff we're fantasizing about when we're alone with our thoughts. That's not to say that I don't occasionally think of my wife, but it's usually only after we've had a particularly hot night together.
So what I'd like to know is, how many women only think of their partner when they masturbate? Maybe this is more common than I thought.
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So what I'd like to know is, how many women only think of their partner when they masturbate? Maybe this is more common than I thought.[/QUOTE]
I used to think of my now ex-husband only and that did it for me. My current man on the other hand, I just can't think about him when I'm 'goin at it alone.' The difference is that I was head-over-heels in love with my ex, and even though I love my current man, it's just not the same kind of love. If that makes any sense
I'm a woman who used to love porn, would watch it now, but my H has never liked it. He would refuse to watch porn, go to strip clubs, do 3 somes (so I'd find other guys to do that with me), doesn't care about lingerie. I have never heard of a man like this, damn spoil sport!! But in the bedroom he will try anything, he takes control, he is all man, but not when it comes to porn.
I get turned on by porn if it's realistic. All that fake moaning is just a turn-off.
In general I completely agree with the original poster.
However, my husband watching porn and masturbating was interfering with our sex life. We basically didn't have one. He had no blooming idea how to approach me for sex. And since he clearly wanted it more than me, he would masturbate instead of approaching me. After his affair and loads of talking about this particular topic, he told me he would prefer to have sex than to masturbate. But, since those talks he is learning to approach me for sex.
My wife and I watch together a couple times a month. She watches alone every now and then and I watch alone about once a week as a release because our libidos are so different. I'd rather watch with her...or just be with her...but alas...
He had no blooming idea how to approach me for sex. And since he clearly wanted it more than me, he would masturbate instead of approaching me. After his affair and loads of talking about this particular topic, he told me he would prefer to have sex than to masturbate. But, since those talks he is learning to approach me for sex.
We don't want to involve the woman we love and respect in the kind of stuff we're fantasizing about when we're alone with our thoughts.
Could you please explain why? I've heard a sort of twist to this from my husband. At one point he even asked for permission to be rougher during sex.
As for your question, i used to fantasize about a lot of other men when i wasn't really having sex with my husband. He'd say he's not in the mood so many times that there was no point spoiling a fantasy with thinking of him (i hope i'm not offensive). I just took it as a fact of life that i couldn't have him and eventually lost attraction. He'd become sort of like a brother. During that time i felt as if i was single. I was attracted to nearly all men and almost had a radar for them. I'd spot them even at great distances and yes, i'd fantasize about men i've met, men i've imagined etc. Of course, that often made me feel guilty.
Now that the relationship with my husband is getting better and i'm starting to recover some of the attraction for him i mostly fantasize about him. I also learned that fantasies aren't supposed to have anything to do with real life. The way i see it,we fantasize about other people because they seem to offer something we need. If, say, we're low on confidence, we tend to fantasize about someone that confirms our value. Doesn't matter that the person is still human, with flaws etc....we just put a magnifying glass on what we need from them and ignore everything else (older men want to feel young and fantasize about younger women desiring them, women fantasize about romantic men who listen to them and court them...etc. all that is rarely if ever real). So i figured, if i'm thinking of something that has nothing to do with reality, i might as well think about my husband being exactly what i need at the moment. If i need a young hot stud, i'll imagine my husband is that and i've just met him. It's highly enjoyable and appears to have helped me get the attraction for him back.
Women, Men, and Porn. 
Still am maybe but improving!
But hey! That was almost 12yrs ago! I've matured (I think!)
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