T.Ponds225

*edit*

This forum isn't so great. You get a lot of finger wagging, and judgement. I never claimed to be perfect, and admitted my faults/mistakes. I came here for help, and got some, but also got judged by people who I'm pretty sure aren't perfect either.

Susan2010

Only you can answer your question because the answer lies within the problem. But you don't say why you are no longer sexually attracted to your wife, and it doesn't seem that you know why. The way a spouse acts, things they do that you don't care for, or if she treats you badly are a few reasons I can think of that will destroy sexual attraction (for women usually). But again, you give us no reasons, so who can answer without that information? If there is nothing she does/did, I will venture the guess that it sounds like your wife has become familiar, and you are not the kind of guy who should have gotten married.

She did not deserve for you to break her heart like this. That you reject her is breaking her heart. She just hasn't mentioned it yet or questioned you about it yet. If she did, you lied, but she knows the truth and your lies compounded the offense, added insult to injury. Stop lying to her because lying tells the person you feel they are too stupid to figure you out. You are insulting her on so many different levels.

She did not deserve for you to break her heart when you finally tell her the truth. Alas, she needs to know and she probably will know when you decide to leave, realizing you should not have gotten married. There you go breaking her heart again.

She did not deserve for you to cheat on her either. You don't call it cheating and don't even want to discuss it, which further indicates being inconsiderate. Well then, don't read the rest of this paragraph. An emotional affair is an affair and is cheating because you fantasize about someone else, when you shouldn't think of anyone in that manner above your wife. It is an affair and is cheating because you do things with (virtually) and say things to another woman that should be reserved only for the woman you married....as in the vows/promises/assurances you made but obviously lied about those too.

Unfortunately, the only things I can imagine will help is something you would have no control over or if you suddenly developed a conscience and realize you should appreciate what you have. Other than that, you would have the normal human reaction if you found out she was having an affair. Then you would want her sexually. If she left you, you would want her. If she were indifferent to you, you would want her. If she told you the ominous "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" you would want her. All those scenarios have a way of playing havoc on the human psyche and blowing libido up to new heights. But you give no reason to think she may do any of those. Thus, the reason you would have no control because doing any of those yourself won't have the same affect. They would have that affect on her but not on you, so please don't break her heart in that way too.

greenpearl

You bought a gorgeous BMW, WOW, shiny, fancy, and showy, you were excited...............After eight years................your car is still in a good shape, but you started staring other fancy cars on the road................ That's how I explain why you are not excited about having sex with your wife anymore.

Solution, I am trying hard to think......................
Imagine your life without your wife, imagine your life without your car....................What kind of life will you have????????? I a kind of feel you have a wonderful wife since you praise her a lot here.
I can guarantee your life will be shattered without her..................

How can you rekindle the lust? Help!!! friends, please help him.............We don't want to see another woman have a broken heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quicksand

I wish we had sigs here, because that would SO be sigged

But on a serious note, are you always using porn while doing this? If not, why cant you do the same, just replace hand with wife

BigBadWolf

If there is not sexual attraction, there is resentment.

Find out why you are resenting your wife in your relationship, and fix it.

SOmetimes this is easy, such as with affairs or abuse, other times it is the million little compromises we feel we need to sacrifice as our own desires and wants and needs to appease our spouse in the relationship. But instead to try to make someone else happy, which is impossible, we only make ourselves miserable and fuel resentment.

Ask yourself tough questions, how you feel when your woman is in the room, and why? Are there the things you wish you could be doing without her? Is there more money you could be enjoying without her? Is there some other person you could be with without her? Ask these kind of questions to find the root of resentment, and fix it!

Resentment or sexual attraction, there is either one or the other.

I wish you well.

Hopeful1

AMEN! I'm living on the wife's side of this predicament and can assure you that the resentment will only continue to drive the wedge deeper. Take some time -- without your online "friend" -- to really figure out what it is about your wife that is turning you off, whether sexually or otherwise. Maybe she's letting herself go? Maybe she's been neglecting you and your family? Maybe she's been choosing something over you? HOW is she different from when you were madly attracted to her? If any of your answers are things you think she can remedy, TALK TO HER.

Once alive in full force, the resentment thing can be a killer to your relationship. I really admire you for noticing the problem and taking a step, like posting here, to find a solution.

T.Ponds225

This is not what I need.

If I wanted to be judged, and have a finger wagged at me, I could have gone many places.

I came here for judgement free advice. And you haven't even come close to that. The moral implications of my actions are another discussion all together. That's not what I asked. You seem bitter or jaded. Really you don't seem like the kind of person who should be giving out advice...especially if you call that reply advice. Things like "when I decide to leave" and I sound like I shouldn't have gotten married point to you coloring me with a familiar pen. You seem to have either ignored, or are oblivious to to the fact that I am looking for help to save my sex life, because I'm not looking to sleep with another woman.

Thank you. This is what I was looking for.

At first glance I thought that this was good advice, but seems off, because I can't think of how I might resent my wife. But thinking about it more and more there could be a couple things there.

For the most part I love her company, and love her deeply. I'm not sure what could cause so much resent that I don't want to sleep with her anymore. But you've given me something to think about and work on. Thank you.

Thank you. This is good too. She definitely hasn't let herself go. In fact quite the opposite.

Some good words there. Thank you.

Minncouple

First, really dont see how Susans post really helps. I was pretty dissapointed to read that lecture.

To the Poster -

I could have written that exact same thread. Exact same situation here. Hot wife, loved her to death, still ove her, but have almost lost all sexual attraction to her. Actaully try and avoid sex with her, and would rather masterbate than have sex with her. BTW, when we do have sex she thinks its the best, typically climaxes at least 3 times and raves about how her sex life is great and just gets better. She is more than OK with little change or excitement in our sex lives, I do all the work (have to as she is not great in bed).

I am simply bored with our sex life, and crave some excitement of change of pace and she doesn't.

I wish I could restore what was there, but fear it has been so tarnished it wont return. Wish I had the awnsers for you.

BigBadWolf

Seek out the resentment, absolutely.

Also, look inward to your own sexual fantasies. Sexual fantasies are the shadows of what we are missing or desiring in our reality.

You say you are attracted to other women? So what scenarios go through your mind? How about masturbation? What is in your mind during this?

Even if your fantasies are dark or difficult to put into words, consider what these desires could be the clue to what is missing in your own relationship with your woman.

jacobskoog

Wow, this is an excellent forum!
I have basically the exact same problem.
After about a year of being together with my g/f i started losing all sexual interest in her, and by now it's down to literally nothing!

In our situation, we went through some hardships (too long to get into exact details) but the main issue, was that due to her being a very spoiled person, and me being a bit of a pushover, it turned out where i wound up supporting her for about 2 years on top of having to solve all her problems.
Now, anyone would say "why would you support a person you've only been with for about 1 year?"
short answer, I'm not a quitter... and a pushover...
again, long story short, i used to be a full time musician, touring constantly, getting lots of "female attention", and with this girl , i just told myself, "this is it! come rain or come shine, i'm not giving up!"

Back to my point.
I found that more and more, we where turning into a father/daughter kind of relationship, so much so, that our fights, can literally be:
-"c'mon honey, you have to go to work..."
-"I don't feel like it! and i don't feel like it, i'm not going to do it!"

I know where she gets it from, because her sister's even worse.

To sum it up, i do feel like the resentment issue is there, but also just the fact that i view her more as a very close family member. I don't want to say "daughter", because that could just possibly open the floodgates on a different discussion.
I miss her lots when i'm not with her, and i know i love her a lot, but it's just the sexual part that doesn't seem to be there any more.

btw, did anyone ever solve their issues?

please let me know....

mystical muse

Believe me, if you think your wife doesn't know you're wrong. I too was in your wife's position- husband felt the same as you do and went online for 'excitement' (I found his history), did 'the talk' lots of times, tried to interest him, frustration turned to anger as we couldn't resolve the problem. So, even though he swears he loves me more than life itself and I believe him, we're now separating. The thing is no one forced him to look online. He could have stopped the rot anytime he wanted - by wanting me and doing anything he could to achieve it. He didn't. You're in real danger of losing your wife and for what? A feeling of dissatisfaction? The dissatisfaction is within you, about you, not in your marriage. It's your mind-set you need to reprogram.
If you think you haven't yet hurt your wife you're in denial. Just like men, women also KNOW when somethings up - she may not be telling you yet but she will. When she gets to that stage you're in big trouble because she'll already have been doing a lot of soul searching before that stage.
Grow a pair and talk to her HONESTLY before it's too late. A real discussion might offer opportunities for you BOTH to work on the issues, your marraige could become stronger and closer.

mrwawa

Rusko,

There are ebbs and flows in sexual attraction, but that doesn't mean that you can't also take an active role in changing the situation.

I think the first thing to do is think about what the "cyber-affair" did for you that your wife is not? Was it that the other woman was being more aggressive, direct? Have you and your wife fallen into roles that preclude sexiness? Is she still wearing those old flannel pajamas with holes in them?

If so, you can do something about this. If you love her and want to be with her, and the only issue is sex (which it rarely is), then my advice is to "fake it until you make it." Have her wear something sexy, let her know a fantasy of yours. Put on your game face and approach her like the man you are or want to be. See what happens. You are waiting on her to turn you on. Turn her on and I bet things will look a lot different.

If the issue is deeper, then you need to talk to her, open up about the situation. But this can cause self-consciousness and doubt (very unsexy). Try the former first and see what happens.

I was in a rut for a while, but switched my attitude and now I can't stop pursuing my wife, although I am trying to be reserved about it. No more random ass grabs as she walks by, unless she is flaunting it ;-).

Laurae1967

Rusko - YOU are responsible for keeping the spark alive in your marriage just as much as your wife is. What have YOU done to keep the flame alive?

You say you have never cheated on your wife, but you HAVE...emotionally, at least. Cheating just clouds the issue because it makes it seem like if you just traded your wife in for a new model that life would be dandy....but it doesn't work like that in real life.

I believe that your lack of attraction to your wife is emotionally based and while some of it may have to do with her, I think if you dig deep (if you are brave enough to stomach it!) you will find that you are not happy with yourself. Your wife knows who you are and so you are real to her. She knows all your faults. I think you crave a different woman who doesn't really know you so you can be someone better than who you think you are, is my guess. You can be whatever you want with someone new, especially online. Those online affairs are basically two people projecting.

Instead of investing your emotional energy in your wife, you turned to another woman (who is not in a healthy place, nor are you, wihich is why you gravitated to each other). I hope you have realized that this is NOT the solution to your problem.

I would get some individual counseling to start. Maybe down the road you could go to MC with your wife, but I suspect there are issues you need to deal with on your own first. It could be a whole host of things and you need to figure this out quickly before you make a mess of your life. If your wife ever found out about your online shenanigans, I can guarantee you that she would be crushed beyond words and would consider it a huge betrayal of her and your marriage. Don't sabotage your life any more!

I say this with no judgement about you, as I have been there before, in my first marriage.

2sick

Hmm, it sounds like you are judging yourself here. It sounds like you are feeling guilty for getting into an affair (albeit emotional...not much different except no sex) You say she hasn't "let herself go", so then WHAT IS THE REASON. You have to ask why you need to communicate with some other woman about feelings you need to share with your wife.



[/QUOTE]At first glance I thought that this was good advice, but seems off, because I can't think of how I might resent my wife. But thinking about it more and more there could be a couple things there.[/QUOTE]

Not to be judgmental but....Why do you feel sexually aroused by other women and not your w? You seem to be asking how to fall back in love? And that is something only you can answer. I may have missed the point somewhere in your post but it sounds like you just want someone to stop you from having an a sexual affair with your EA.

Trying2figureitout

I think it all goes back to your marriage vows. I'm pretty old school having an intact family growing up and being born in the 60's.

I have that upbringing where when you make a vow... you have to be a man of your word or your integrity means NOTHING. Integrity is a lifestyle.

You promised your wife "To have and to hold" "To forsake all others" "For better and for worse"

Are you a man of your word or not?

Have you talked to your wife about this issue yet? If not you should. She needs to know. Give her the opportunity to help or you can both mutually decide the marriage should end.

You and her are both 100% responsible for your marriage.