Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I joined the board last week and have been perusing a lot of the threads in this particular topic. I have sort of hit a breaking point with my wife, and I feel like I am on the verge of doing something drastic. I don't have many friends since we moved to Michigan a few years ago, so I don't really have anyone to talk to. So, I am unloading on you guys. Thanks for listening.
We have been married for six years and are both in our early 30's. Sex was really good in the beginning of our relationship, but then really slacked off right around the time of our marriage. Since then, it's been getting worse and worse, averaging once every three months at best. We have two beautiful children (aged 2 years and 4 months - also had a miscarriage inbetween), and my wife likes to joke that everytime we have sex she gets pregnant. Believe me, that honestly feels closer to truth than fiction.
I have tried to talk to her about this several times over the years. But that has always been met with excuses, accusations, and false promises that things will eventually get better. I've grown angry and I am not really sure what I am supposed to do.
Her excuses usually center around some sort of physical or emotional abnormality that keeps her from thinking about sex. Whenever I suggest that she see a doctor or specialist regarding this issue (which seems very serious to me), another excuse arises, stating that it happens to all women. I have never really believed that, and after looking at others' posts on here, I certainly would never believe it.
She often accuses me of not initiating sex, blaming that for the lack of intimacy. It's partly true; I don't initiate as much as once did. But the amount of rejection has probably caused that. I mean, if you were told "no" 9 times out of 10, wouldn't you lose some of the heart to keep trying? My wife puts a pillow between us in bed at night. She claims that it is for comfort, and it may well be. But once that "wall" goes up, I know that sex is not on her mind. So why try?
I find myself more relying more on internet porn. I don't necessarily feel guilty about it, but I would certainly prefer the real thing.
When we do have sex, it certainly isn't great. My wife has never been able to experience an orgasm from intercourse. But we did use to experiment with other things like different positions, oral stimulation, and vibrators. Now it's like she just lays there and waits for me to finish. There is no foreplay and she has no interest in getting herself off.
So, I don't know. I am at my wits end. Her total lack of ability or desire to see this as a true issue has me angry. We're young and sex should be a big and enjoyable part of our lives. Anyways, thanks again for letting me vent.
Do you want to vent or do you want to problem solve. Either is fine - they are just totally different goals.
Quote:
Originally Posted by buxfan
Hello all.
I joined the board last week and have been perusing a lot of the threads in this particular topic. I have sort of hit a breaking point with my wife, and I feel like I am on the verge of doing something drastic. I don't have many friends since we moved to Michigan a few years ago, so I don't really have anyone to talk to. So, I am unloading on you guys. Thanks for listening.
We have been married for six years and are both in our early 30's. Sex was really good in the beginning of our relationship, but then really slacked off right around the time of our marriage. Since then, it's been getting worse and worse, averaging once every three months at best. We have two beautiful children (aged 2 years and 4 months - also had a miscarriage inbetween), and my wife likes to joke that everytime we have sex she gets pregnant. Believe me, that honestly feels closer to truth than fiction.
I have tried to talk to her about this with her several times over the years. But that has always been met with excuses, accusations, and false promises that things will eventually get better. I've grown angry and I am not really sure what I am supposed to do.
Her excuses usually center around some sort of physical or emotional abnormality that keeps her from thinking about sex. Whenever I suggest that she see a doctor or specialist regarding this issue (which seems very serious to me), another excuse arises, stating that it happens to all women. I have never really believed that, and after looking at others' posts on here, I certainly would never believe it.
She often accuses me not initiating sex, blaming that for the lack of intimacy. It's partly true; I don't initiate as much as once did. But the amount of rejection has probably caused that. I mean, if you were told "no" 9 times out of 10, wouldn't you lose some of the heart to keep trying. My wife puts a pillow between us in bed at night. She claims that it is for comfort, and it may well be. But once that "wall" goes up, I know that sex is not on her mind. So why try?
I find myself more relying more on internet porn. I don't necessarily feel guilty about it, but I would certainly prefer the real thing.
When we do have sex, it certainly isn't great. My wife has never been able to experience an orgasm from intercourse. But we did use to experiment with other things like different positions, oral stimulation, and vibrators. Now it's like she just lays there and waits for me to finish. There is no foreplay and she has no interest in getting herself off.
So, I don't know. I am at my wits end. Her total lack of ability or desire to see this as a true issue has me angry. We're young and sex should be a big and enjoyable part of our lives. Anyways, thanks again for letting me vent.
Personally, I feel everyone of us, every human deserves to be with a desirous spouse, without that, marraige is reduced to an empty experience.
She needs to be MORE concerned about how this is affecting you, and that IS the bottom line. Either she needs to take the bull by the horns & search out what she can do to fix this, in making an appointment to see a Doctor who can test her hormones, reading up on the subject of pleasing her husband, or Yes, you will eventually, after enough frustration & resentment, leave her & break up the family, for your own sanity and happiness.
And that IS understandable, even if some may find it cruel and heartless.
Maybe she's not into the act of sex. She probably does love you but shows it in other ways (acts of service, verbal affirmation, etc), but you don't see it because your love language is tactile (ie through sex). If you want to stay together the only option is to find out what her love language is and speak to eachother about it. Maybe come to a compromise. Your post gives the impression that you think she's doing this all just to spite you or something. I really doubt that. Its just that you are two different people with different languages. If her love language isn't enough for you then you may have to split up and find someone else whose love language is touch also.
Maybe she's not into the act of sex. She probably does love you but shows it in other ways (acts of service, verbal affirmation, etc), but you don't see it because your love language is tactile (ie through sex). If you want to stay together the only option is to find out what her love language is and speak to eachother about it. Maybe come to a compromise.
I wish that there were other ways that she showed that she loved me. In the interest of staying within topic, as this has nothing to do with sex, I will keep it brief. I handle a majority of the cooking, all the laundry, a majority of the shopping, and a lot of the child care. I keep things quiet while she takes her hours-long naps. I clean up after her stupid cats. If there are things that she is doing to show that she loves me, they are secret things that nobody knows about. I love my wife, and I do those things because I love her. So, why can't she do this one thing that I ask of her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by 76Trombones
Your post gives the impression that you think she's doing this all just to spite you or something. I really doubt that.
Isn't it spite though? From our talks, she knows that I like and want sex, yet she is deliberately withholding. Even with the constant reminders of sex in our culture (television, magazines, music, etc.), she insists that the thought of sex never crosses her mind.
It (and the rest of your marriage) will get worse not better unless you act now.
Sounds like you need to insist on counselling for you both. I would be very clear and explain that this is a problem which will break the marriage up and it needs to be addressed now. If she refuses to come to counselling then you have a big problem as she is essentially saying I am not prepared to work on the marriage.
To soften this approach I would also suggest that you propose a kind of amnesty period while this gets addressed and resolved. So no pressure on sex from you while you go through counselling.
I handle a majority of the cooking, all the laundry, a majority of the shopping, and a lot of the child care. I keep things quiet while she takes her hours-long naps. I clean up after her stupid cats. If there are things that she is doing to show that she loves me, they are secret things that nobody knows about. I love my wife, and I do those things because I love her. So, why can't she do this one thing that I ask of her?
Wow, I am blown away as this is my first time on this site and this is the 1st post I've read and I had to look twice at the user name to make sure I hadn't written this post in my sleep ro something.
I am 43 and my wife is 39 and we have a couple more kids but other than that we are in very similar sitiuations! Now my wife will give me a blow job, maybe once a week as I think she feels guilty for not EVER wanting to have intercourse. Only time that happens is when she wants me to give her oral, which is maybe every 3-4 months and even then she doesn't really care for having sex afterwards.
She was supposedly diagnosed with depression before I met her. But during the whole time I have known her, she has never visited a therapist or psychologist and has never taken any drugs. I would really like her to go talk to somebody.
A lot of men don't get to have sex with their wives. I am also confused. Don't women understand that sex is very important for their men? I'm sure they know. But why don't they want to satisfy their husbands. Are they that confident that their husbands won't cheat on them?
Why don't they enjoy sex?
Have their bodies changed?
I have all the puzzles I want to figure out!
She was supposedly diagnosed with depression before I met her. But during the whole time I have known her, she has never visited a therapist or psychologist and has never taken any drugs. I would really like her to go talk to somebody.
My boss is not depressed, but her husband doesn't get to have much sex from her either. She just pushes him away at night if he wants sex( She told us).
I don't think depression is the issue. They just don't like sex! Why???
I am a woman. I don't even understand why!
She was supposedly diagnosed with depression before I met her. But during the whole time I have known her, she has never visited a therapist or psychologist and has never taken any drugs. I would really like her to go talk to somebody.
That in itself could be what's playing a big role in lacking the desire to have intimacy, and to express love to you. You said that your suggestions to her to talk with someone have been met with excuses, but maybe you can get her to agree to counseling with you, as a couple, in a way that would avoid sounding like you're saying 'YOU have a problem and YOU need to talk to someone.' Let her know that you want to do this together.
I go to a Taiwanese discussion forum sometimes. I check the sex section. And I see a lot of young people tell everybody how happy they are. They have a lot of sex together. A lot of young women are telling everybody how many times they want sex a day.
Does age affect women's sexual desire a lot here?
I go to a discussion forum for middle aged people. Same thing, a lot of men don't get to have much sex from their wives. A lot of women are not satisfied either.
I love going to the young people's sex discussion forum. They joke and and make fun of each other. So happy!!!
Total Lack of Intimacy 
Re: Total Lack of Intimacy 
