dazedbeauty

I am new here, and this might be a long post because I have had so much on my mind and absolutely NO ONE to talk to. I'm 45 and my husband is 48.
We married 5 1/2 years ago, it's my 2nd marriage and I'm his 3rd.
My first marriage was for 15 years. The X was abusive emotionally and sexually. He was overbearing and wasn't into showing much affection, only sex and it felt like too much because there wasn't anything else, like hugging, kissing, holding hands, sweet words...stuff like that and he required sex everyday, even if I was sick. My divorce from him was horrible and I got rung pretty hard, losing everything.
I met my current husband hamburger place that had a pub in it, and I really liked him. He too went through a terrible 2nd divorce and a job change so we both were down and out. Our personalities seems to click, we loved being together, and we moved in together for companionship and financial recovery.
He decided he loved me and told me so first. I loved him too, he was funny, industrious, upbeat and to this very day, a very hard worker.
We lived together for about 9 months and then got married. I was so excited! He was starting up a new business and I was preparing to return to college.
One thing though.... I noticed that he only rarely wanted sex, and even turned me down frequently. When we went out, I noticed that he admired the pretty ladies so I knew he wasn't gay. (I have been considered to be very pretty and get hit on even to this day), but he seemed to oogle a bit too much for my taste and sometimes it made me feel awkward.
As newlyweds I found it strange that he didn't want sex except for "drunk" times after we went out. Okay, that's fun! But no quickies, or nooners, or even laying in bed a little late when we could.
Then the bottom dropped out. I found that he was into porn, and lots of it, dvd's, pay per view, internet and magazines. He would even use my lingerie sales mags! He would use our personal lubricant, I knew because he moved it around from the bedroom drawer to the bathroom frequently.
My self esteem plummeted. I didn't know how to react. My horrible X was opposed to porn of any kind and didn't even watch racy TV, so I was sandbagged.
Okay, so fast forward to today and many, many tears, arguments and pleadings and lies from him later, the obvious porn practically disappeared although he will watch plenty of racy TV, but I think he views stuff on his iPhone.
This has been an issue from almost the very beginning of our marriage.
I've done TONS of research on porn, men and porn, women and porn, pros and cons etc.... I'm sick of it really.
The other day I left for work and got home and found his "evidence" in the bathroom wastebasket. I got sick because he hadn't touched me in almost 2 weeks! Sometimes he uses my water solutable cold cream until it's all gone and it's just a sad reminder that he was having fun all by himself and leaving me untouched.
I'm not oppressive either, I ask about what to do in a kind way and I show him tons of love and respect. I am willing to do fun things and I'm no bore in the bedroom. We always end our discussion in hugs, kisses and promises for better days, even loving sex sometimes.
When I try to talk quietly about it he yells and it's always my fault. Last week he said that I gave him preformance anxiety! REALLY???? I do anything he asks and how he asks. He is sort of boring in bed too! I'm mostly on my tummy flat (hey my happy parts are in the front). Then we break out the "toy" for me... I'm so glad he's wanting to do it, that I don't complain.
But, usually in a week we are right back to where we were before.
He hugs me and kisses me daily, he has a pet nickname for me that is really cute. He pats my rear and pinches my boob when I'm trying to cook dinner. He tells me I'm "stunning". The flirting has grown over the last couple of years, he didn't do that before or after we got married.
But, he masturbates to the point that our marriage bed grows cold.
Now, I'm paranoid. I get anxiety every time I leave him alone in the house, actually in the past when he ran his own business he would go home during the day while I was at work and have a real good time all by himself. So really, I've been dealing with this type of anxiety for a very long time, years now.
I requested that he not clear his history on his iPhone or the home PC just recently. He agreed.
I hate it, I hate it so bad that no matter what he's saying to me, I am angry, hurt and rejected, I even feel ugly. I look at myself and pick out everything in the world wrong with me. I wonder if he has Madonna/***** syndrome, or if I don't feel good to him because I've had kids years ago (but I do Keigle excersises regularly).
Sometimes I wonder if he's still in love with his X. When he talks about the past and how much he hates her, there's a lot of passion in his voice... he's a "man's man" so he doesn't get very passionate during conversation unless he's very irritated or trying to prove a point, or talking about how awful she was.
So here I am. I think I'm falling out of love. I think that although we get a long in most areas, he doesn't have sex feelings for me. I'm a good wife, but not what he wants in the bedroom. Actually, his fantasies probably suit him just fine, and he comes to me every now and then for assurance or human touch? I'm not sure.
We have had talks (some a bit heated because he's in denial mode or mad I am talking about the elephant in the room). It never changes. I cried this week when I found the tissue. He did what I thought he would do, he goes on a sex thing and wants me to do it for a couple of days then we are right back where we started.
So, basically, I went from a mean a**hole who wanted it all the time to someone who wants to masturbate and keep me on the side.
What now?
db

michzz

You need a frank discussion with him about this and definitely the help of a trained professional.

He needs to realize that the way things are now will result in the end of your marriage.

dazedbeauty

Well then, I'm doomed. We don't have money for counseling right now, not that he would go. I have gone in the past, but it doesn't help unless both of us are on the same page.
I have even written him letters so that we wouldn't argue telling him exactly how I feel and how much I loved him and how hurtful his behavior is. He tells me I'm relentless! He acts like me bringing it up is not necessary or insulting to him.
I guess this marriage was a mistake. I told him that it was unfair that he hid this from me. He should have given me a choice so I could be happy with someone.
His brother was living with us and had TONS of really icky magazines. DH would take them out of his brother's room, before I found out about it. I had a suspicion so I asked him straight out if he looked at them. His exact words were, "I have no use for that stuff." I believed him! This is before marriage too, and I believed him. Now I've gone from one type of sex addict to another and I'm not getting any younger. I don't want to live the rest of my years like this. I've been through enough already.
He says he LOVES me so much and that I mean everything to him. How can he destroy this part of our relationship then?
Why? Does he think I'm kidding when I say I want out?
Right now, as I type, he's watching a movie with skantily clad bikini girls. He laughs at the dirty jokes. Usually he watches TV in the living room, right now he's gone to watch this movie in the bedroom.
Whatever.... it's all so stupid and pathetic. I'm just so tired of it all!

michzz

Then you know what you have to do.

I am sorry it has come to parting, but you don't have many choices if he won't participate in moving forward with you.

SimplyAmorous

You know , this may sound outragous to some, but I feel what he is doing is almost as bad as having an affair. You are dealing with the same emotions (worried about him being alone, the lies, ongoing rejection, pain), just that the women are not real, but on screen.

He is literally cheating on you daily and denying you the intimacy that either builds a marriage or destroys it. If he can continue to cheat in this way, thinking nothing of it , inform him you will find a partner for yourself, but he won't be on screen.

Susan2010

No, SA, that doesn't sound outrageous at all.

DasedBeauty, SA makes a good suggestion. Tell him since he has numerous partners, then you deserve at least one and since it apparently is not him, you will find someone else. But then, you really have to find someone else because it's never a good idea to make idle threats. Yes, he thinks you are kidding because if you say you want out then it is idle threat since you're still there.

There are state agencies that offer free counseling services. I don't know how to tell you the way to locate them, but you can start with the Department of Family Services or whatever the welfare office is called in your area.

I hope it helps your self esteem a little to tell you his addiction has nothing to do with you, so you shouldn't take it personally. His problem is his problem and would be no matter who he is with.

dazedbeauty

Thank you so much for all of this help. You know, I've googled, and read so many entries about this type of problem and so many men say "it's a guy thing, suck it up!" or "What's a little fantasy now and then?" The thing is, it's really hurting me.
My X was a real creep, but one thing for sure, I NEVER had to feel like he was oogling, or substituting at all. For 15 years, it never, ever occured to me that this would happen to me.
I have a girlfriend whose 23 year marriage is wrecked because of porn, I remember consoling her, and now it's ME. I'm the one competing with all that crap.
I do college work online and I got up to go to the bathroom and when I opened the door he was just oogling near naked women! I just when "ugh" and shut the door again. He later came out into the kitchen and made a noise to let me know he can't stand my "jealousy" that is so unbecoming.
I'm so sick of it all, just sick of it.
Thanks for listening to me rant.
db

Crypsys

There is a difference in what I would consider "normal" guy porn use and what your husband is doing. In a "normal" situation your husband would rather be with you then watch porn. Yes, I understand how sometimes there are those times when a guy wants to get off and his wife is unable/unwilling or just not even there and porn comes into play.

What your husband is doing is defenitely NOT just "normal" guy porn use. There is something more behind it then just plain hornyness, etc. This is a case IMO in which a counselor/psychologist would need to handle.

the guy

look up chastity belts on the web. they make them for men;-)
It sound like your guy is going to lose a good thing, his addiction is going to cost him his marriage and doesnt realize it.
I wish I had some great advise but with addicitions the person has to want to change.

dazedbeauty

You know, a couple of years ago we got into an argument and I told him that I felt like he has slept with a thousand women since we have been together. I told him that women need intimacy with "touch", not just looking at a naked guy and buzzing the batteries!
I know I need human touch and everything that sex is, it's fulfilling to me and I feel loved.
I feel like he is cheating in his heart. Porn reduces sex down to just a selfish animal act.
He went to bed mad at me tonight because I gave him a disapproving "ugh" sound. He was watching two bikini girls bathing on TV.
So off to bed he went with not even a goodnight or kiss my a**.

dazedbeauty

Okay, so what do you think is going on? Right now he doesn't do internet porn, or magazines, maybe some racy stuff on his iPhone, but racy TV.
How about a shot in the dark? One thing I thought of is that he has been doing it most of his life. There is a picture of him when he was 16 and in the back ground is a centerfold picture pinned up with a woman spead all over the place, not even tasteful at all.
I think that he has unbridled lust or something.
Years ago I had been out of town for a week, this was our first year of marriage, and he was working late into the evening. I drove over to where he was (working on a duplex) and the door was locked. He opened the door and I could tell by his thin shorts that he was aroused. I felt sick when I noticed. I asked to use the bathroom and he told me to use the one upstairs that something was wrong with the downstairs. I didn't believe him and went anyway. His satchel was in the bathtub!
I left and that night he left the satchel in his truck. I got up very early the next morning and looked in the satchel, sure enough there was a Chic magazine in there!!
There I was AT HOME, dressed nice, been gone a whole week and he's going to hang out in an empty duplex with a Chic magazine?????
Yes, there is something deeper going on here. Has to be.......
The other day when I found the evidence in the wastebasket he had plenty of time to approach me before I left. Also, we usually leave the front door open because we have a glass door. He walked me to the door, kissed me goodbye and quickly closed the front door back instead of leaving it opened. I'm sure to get me out of the way.

the guy

He may need a bigger slap in the face then an "ugh" sound. Have you tried packing his things up, packing you things, or serving him divorce papers. Addict need to hit rock bottom before they want to change.