I am new here, and this might be a long post because I have had so much on my mind and absolutely NO ONE to talk to. I'm 45 and my husband is 48.
We married 5 1/2 years ago, it's my 2nd marriage and I'm his 3rd.
My first marriage was for 15 years. The X was abusive emotionally and sexually. He was overbearing and wasn't into showing much affection, only sex and it felt like too much because there wasn't anything else, like hugging, kissing, holding hands, sweet words...stuff like that and he required sex everyday, even if I was sick. My divorce from him was horrible and I got rung pretty hard, losing everything.
I met my current husband hamburger place that had a pub in it, and I really liked him. He too went through a terrible 2nd divorce and a job change so we both were down and out. Our personalities seems to click, we loved being together, and we moved in together for companionship and financial recovery.
He decided he loved me and told me so first. I loved him too, he was funny, industrious, upbeat and to this very day, a very hard worker.
We lived together for about 9 months and then got married. I was so excited! He was starting up a new business and I was preparing to return to college.
One thing though.... I noticed that he only rarely wanted sex, and even turned me down frequently. When we went out, I noticed that he admired the pretty ladies so I knew he wasn't gay. (I have been considered to be very pretty and get hit on even to this day), but he seemed to oogle a bit too much for my taste and sometimes it made me feel awkward.
As newlyweds I found it strange that he didn't want sex except for "drunk" times after we went out. Okay, that's fun! But no quickies, or nooners, or even laying in bed a little late when we could.
Then the bottom dropped out. I found that he was into porn, and lots of it, dvd's, pay per view, internet and magazines. He would even use my lingerie sales mags! He would use our personal lubricant, I knew because he moved it around from the bedroom drawer to the bathroom frequently.
My self esteem plummeted. I didn't know how to react. My horrible X was opposed to porn of any kind and didn't even watch racy TV, so I was sandbagged.
Okay, so fast forward to today and many, many tears, arguments and pleadings and lies from him later, the obvious porn practically disappeared although he will watch plenty of racy TV, but I think he views stuff on his iPhone.
This has been an issue from almost the very beginning of our marriage.
I've done TONS of research on porn, men and porn, women and porn, pros and cons etc.... I'm sick of it really.
The other day I left for work and got home and found his "evidence" in the bathroom wastebasket. I got sick because he hadn't touched me in almost 2 weeks! Sometimes he uses my water solutable cold cream until it's all gone and it's just a sad reminder that he was having fun all by himself and leaving me untouched.
I'm not oppressive either, I ask about what to do in a kind way and I show him tons of love and respect. I am willing to do fun things and I'm no bore in the bedroom. We always end our discussion in hugs, kisses and promises for better days, even loving sex sometimes.
When I try to talk quietly about it he yells and it's always my fault. Last week he said that I gave him preformance anxiety! REALLY???? I do anything he asks and how he asks. He is sort of boring in bed too! I'm mostly on my tummy flat (hey my happy parts are in the front). Then we break out the "toy" for me...
I'm so glad he's wanting to do it, that I don't complain.
But, usually in a week we are right back to where we were before.
He hugs me and kisses me daily, he has a pet nickname for me that is really cute. He pats my rear and pinches my boob when I'm trying to cook dinner. He tells me I'm "stunning". The flirting has grown over the last couple of years, he didn't do that before or after we got married.
But, he masturbates to the point that our marriage bed grows cold.
Now, I'm paranoid. I get anxiety every time I leave him alone in the house, actually in the past when he ran his own business he would go home during the day while I was at work and have a real good time all by himself. So really, I've been dealing with this type of anxiety for a very long time, years now.
I requested that he not clear his history on his iPhone or the home PC just recently. He agreed.
I hate it, I hate it so bad that no matter what he's saying to me, I am angry, hurt and rejected, I even feel ugly. I look at myself and pick out everything in the world wrong with me. I wonder if he has Madonna/***** syndrome, or if I don't feel good to him because I've had kids years ago (but I do Keigle excersises regularly).
Sometimes I wonder if he's still in love with his X. When he talks about the past and how much he hates her, there's a lot of passion in his voice... he's a "man's man" so he doesn't get very passionate during conversation unless he's very irritated or trying to prove a point, or talking about how awful she was
So here I am. I think I'm falling out of love. I think that although we get a long in most areas, he doesn't have sex feelings for me. I'm a good wife, but not what he wants in the bedroom. Actually, his fantasies probably suit him just fine, and he comes to me every now and then for assurance or human touch? I'm not sure.
We have had talks (some a bit heated because he's in denial mode or mad I am talking about the elephant in the room). It never changes. I cried this week when I found the tissue. He did what I thought he would do, he goes on a sex thing and wants me to do it for a couple of days then we are right back where we started.
So, basically, I went from a mean a**hole who wanted it all the time to someone who wants to masturbate and keep me on the side.