Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex
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Old 09-26-2010, 10:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

So after 1 year of marriage my wife and I still have very little sex. After this past year, I would say about 20 times over the 12 months is about right. The problem is we are only 28 (me, husband) and 29 (my wife). I want it more than her and she knows that because we have talked about it, but nothing ever changes. We had a long distance relationship while dating and the sex was great, every time we saw each other. Ever since I moved back, and we were engaged, then married, it has been lacking.
I don't know what to do anymore. I have not pressed the issue because I feel like the more I talk about it, the more she strays away. She is not being sensitive to my needs at all. I'm not saying I need it everyday and every hour, but at least once or twice a week would be nice! This whole weekend she has said we would make love. Every time I was ready she had a reason not to be. Then finally, the end of weekend came around and we go to bed, with my wants/needs unfulfilled -- no sex all weekend. I don't know what to do anymore. Its not like this is new. It has been this way for the entire first year of our marriage. Whenever we do have sex she always says how good it was and that she enjoyed it, but then it will be a month before it happens again. I believe her when she says she enjoys it, but then why don't we do it more often?
I don't know what to do anymore because I have communicated my needs to her time and again. I have tried backing down and waiting until she wants to have sex (eternity) and not mentioning it, or tried telling her it has just been too too long and enough is enough. We've gone on dates, I've cooked dinner, tried to romance her... nothing works. At the end she's always too tired or not interested, or promises "tomorrow". Of course when tomorrow rolls around it doesn't happen.
I am honestly considering divorce because it is so important to me, and obviously not to her, and she won't accept the fact that it is an important part of marriage to me. Any advice/guidance? I am at my wits end. Could her sex drive really have diminished that greatly since when we were dating (2 yrs ago) to now that we're married? It just doesn't make sense to me. Should I tell her that sex is so important to me that our different views on it now are so strong that it is driving me to think we need to divorce? I don't want to separate, I love her, but I have needs/wants, and they have not been met for the past year! What do I do!!
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Old 09-26-2010, 11:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

at first blush it sounds inconceivable that newlyweds would be suffering w/ sex problems after only one yr, tho' we've had many a strange tale told here on TAM.

No matter, lets deal w/ yer reality for the moment. First impression i got reading yer post was, hmmm, 28/29 yr olds,
having a long distance rel'shp for starters, not a good recipe for judging how sexually compatible u both really are, as time has proven now, right?

Furthermore your ages beckons one to ask if either or both of you had been marr'd b4, and what those experiences entailed.
If not previously marr'd, were u both somewhat promiscuous?
Maybe there was a scarring rel'shp (or two) that tainted or transfigured her? Don't laugh, it happens more often than we'd like to admit. Just read alot of stories here at TAM, u'll see.

You must be able to talk to her openly about such things, or get counseling help. its that simple for starters. Her reasons could be few/many, simple/complex, but u won't know diddly if u dont find a way to "open" her up, so to speak.

I'm not going to list the could be this, could be thats of the situation. I'll let some other folk do that here for u, if you/they like, as it would be a waste of my time/energy at this pt.

I'm tending to think tho', that u both need counseling to start the communication process if yours alone isnt working. Best u start now, w/ only a yr into the marriage, then wake up 15yrs later thinking/saying i shoulda/coulda/woulda stuff.

maybe theres pertinent info u havent told me to affect my response, but wish u well if i dont hear from ya again.


shalom.......................
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Old 09-27-2010, 10:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

Wow .. sounds just like my marriage ... now 6 years later ..
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Old 09-27-2010, 04:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous12356 View Post
Its not like this is new. It has been this way for the entire first year of our marriage. Whenever we do have sex she always says how good it was and that she enjoyed it, but then it will be a month before it happens again. I believe her when she says she enjoys it, but then why don't we do it more often?
I don't know what to do anymore because I have communicated my needs to her time and again. I have tried backing down and waiting until she wants to have sex (eternity) and not mentioning it, or tried telling her it has just been too too long and enough is enough. We've gone on dates, I've cooked dinner, tried to romance her... nothing works. At the end she's always too tired or not interested, or promises "tomorrow". Of course when tomorrow rolls around it doesn't happen.
This is interesting to me because I am in the same type of situation, only at 2 months of marriage and I am the wife. It is frustrating when you try so many different ways to communicate your needs, and feel like you both are on the same page, and still nothing happens. In my case, my H doesn't do anything unless I initiate. Now I am quitting some meds, which have had bad side effects, and that has made things more difficult as we have been arguing quite a lot. But, it is very trying to be in a new marriage and not be all over each other all the time. I feel like I had more sex when I was single. I thank you for sharing your story because it is very embarrassing to tell people what is going on. The general reaction is "What??? How can you not be having sex as newlyweds?" Well, it happens. I would be interested to know what you hear.
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Old 09-27-2010, 09:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

Is your wife depressed for any reason? Overwhelmed with anything -- work, change in her social life since marriage, family or money troubles? Or has she gone onto any new medication since your marriage? There are a number of different types of medications that can affect sex drive.

Also, you said something that struck me...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous12356 View Post
We had a long distance relationship while dating and the sex was great, every time we saw each other. Ever since I moved back, and we were engaged, then married, it has been lacking.
My husband and I, too, had a long distance relationship and, during that time, the sex was INCREDIBLE! Why? We had time to think about it, fantasize about it, work ourselves up into a tizzy waiting for it. Plus, when we'd get together, we'd always set "real life" on the back burner for our time together. It was only about us, our passion, our happiness, etc.

Then, when we got married and were no longer at a distance, real life set in. Not in a bad way, but we had real world "work" that often took the place of our "real life on the back burner" scenario in previous years. Jobs, housework, day-to-day distractions, etc. made it hard to make sex our priority. Add to that my trying to become comfortable in my new it's-no-longer-all-about-me new married life and my struggle to match the "perfect wife" image I had in my head, and voila -- the stress increased as our sex life decreased.

I don't know if any of these things pertain to your wife or situation, but there maybe some overarching issues she's dealing with (or may not even be aware of) that are affecting her libido.

If talking to her won't work, will she see a Dr. to rule out any medical or hormonal issues, or a counselor to help you both through this new marriage rough spot? Going to marriage counseling may provide you both with the communication tools and kickstart you need to really set this marriage ablaze...and provide it with the foundation you need to last a lifetime.

Hang in there!
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Old 09-27-2010, 10:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

For many women - sex is used to "catch" you. Once you are caught and you ACT like you are caught they lose desire.

Instead of divorce focus on 2 things, make yourself:
- more attractive and
- less available

More attractive means - make the effort to be fun to be around, to be playful. Do NOT do more than your share of cooking/cleaning - that comes across as subservient and is death to passion. Do your fair share - but no more.

Do NOT say ILY, flowers, gifts, etc. more than she does. Give her space to come to you. And spend LESS TIME at home and with her. Go to the gym, spend time with friends but not at bars. This is not a "make her jealous" game. This is a "steadily" deprioritize HER until she reprioritizes you. If you DO NOT fix this soon, you will reach the point of no return.

BTW - the deprioritization needs to be slow but relentless. Until she starts chasing you, you just keep cutting back. At a certain point you will know for sure if it is salvageable.

I am in a very happy 21 year marriage - and my W knows what it takes to keep ME happy just as I know what it takes to keep her happy. And we both make the effort. Still - at one point last year she said she needed space. Fine by me. I started visiting friends for long weekends. Male friends. No cheating/mind games. Just - hey you want me here less. Done. After the second weekend she said "please stop - I want you here - and proceeded to show we wanted me home and wanted me in bed from then until now.

Your W is kind of playing head games with you. She is teasing you with the promise and then avoiding you. That is sadistic. One day into that game and I would have spent the rest of the weekend at the gym, and out with friends. But I also would have coldly told her that teasing is not acceptable to me.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous12356 View Post
So after 1 year of marriage my wife and I still have very little sex. After this past year, I would say about 20 times over the 12 months is about right. The problem is we are only 28 (me, husband) and 29 (my wife). I want it more than her and she knows that because we have talked about it, but nothing ever changes. We had a long distance relationship while dating and the sex was great, every time we saw each other. Ever since I moved back, and we were engaged, then married, it has been lacking.
I don't know what to do anymore. I have not pressed the issue because I feel like the more I talk about it, the more she strays away. She is not being sensitive to my needs at all. I'm not saying I need it everyday and every hour, but at least once or twice a week would be nice! This whole weekend she has said we would make love. Every time I was ready she had a reason not to be. Then finally, the end of weekend came around and we go to bed, with my wants/needs unfulfilled -- no sex all weekend. I don't know what to do anymore. Its not like this is new. It has been this way for the entire first year of our marriage. Whenever we do have sex she always says how good it was and that she enjoyed it, but then it will be a month before it happens again. I believe her when she says she enjoys it, but then why don't we do it more often?
I don't know what to do anymore because I have communicated my needs to her time and again. I have tried backing down and waiting until she wants to have sex (eternity) and not mentioning it, or tried telling her it has just been too too long and enough is enough. We've gone on dates, I've cooked dinner, tried to romance her... nothing works. At the end she's always too tired or not interested, or promises "tomorrow". Of course when tomorrow rolls around it doesn't happen.
I am honestly considering divorce because it is so important to me, and obviously not to her, and she won't accept the fact that it is an important part of marriage to me. Any advice/guidance? I am at my wits end. Could her sex drive really have diminished that greatly since when we were dating (2 yrs ago) to now that we're married? It just doesn't make sense to me. Should I tell her that sex is so important to me that our different views on it now are so strong that it is driving me to think we need to divorce? I don't want to separate, I love her, but I have needs/wants, and they have not been met for the past year! What do I do!!
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Old 09-28-2010, 04:33 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

We are in the same boat sexually! I had a long distance relationship with my husband too before we married and thought sex was great then. The catch with the long distance realtionship is that you dont see each other as often as when you live together. So you may have had sex every time you saw each other, but how often was that? I had to examine the same thing. For the first 18 months we had sex every other day bc we were together every other day (sometimes he said no, but not much). The months following my custody schedule changed and we only saw each other intimately every other weekend and although we had sex every other weekend, sometimes there was no urgency from him that first Friday we could see each other and that confused me. But he always woke up the next morning wanting it. I eroneously thought that once we were in the same home, we would go back to having more sex bc we would see each other more. WRONG! After we got married he stated he just doesnt need as much sex as me and he was happy with the amount we had been having every other weekend! Your post reminded me of this tidbit I had long since pushed out of my mind.

I have been struggling to fix things ever since and we have been married like you , just over a year. The problem is, my husband doesnt feel there is anything in the sex dept to fix. That being said, he was starting to have more after a year of me trying everything like you have tried. Its still not enough.... however, I just sprained my ankle and hip and will not be having sex for a long time.... funny how things turn out. Maybe he can get sexually frustrated now.

So, my advice to you is that it will only change if she decides to change it. Nothing you do, say dont do, dont say, will help and will most definitely hurt chances of having more sex. If I were in your shoes and did not have children in the picture and being as young as you... I would leave and find someone who was more in line. There are some who believe the grass is not greener and cope with what you have. If you believe you can cope with it and love her enough, then go ahead.... but that could lead you to extrmeme resentment and anger andan affair and then kids and feeling trapped etc....

People dont change unless they want to... The longest my husband has gone without sex from me is a month... but he always gets it when he wants it... maybe my ankle and hip injury is Gods funny way of showing him what it is like for me bc I will not engage until I know my hop is well beyond healing... it could be months. Hey, I went 4 years in my last marriage.... when its not a choice, you dont miss it as much. My point here is how long have you gone without giving it to her? Would you be able to back up an ultimatum of things change or I walk away and never look back? Its not shallow to leave someone over this.
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Old 09-29-2010, 10:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

Hi

Does she have trauma in her past? Have you thought about both of you just starting with nonsexual affection for now in bed before sleep. she has to become relax and in her mind somethings could be happening that is emotionally distancing herself from it. Have you two discussed what you both like and so on and come to an agreement about trying something -...??

Judith
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Old 10-05-2010, 04:36 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

getting scary after reading so many posting similar same issues...
anyway, me and gf has been staying together as hubby n wife for the past 3 years (minus the marriage certificate)

we are already tying the knot by next year but what is pretty worrying for me is the tendancy of our sexual activities... it used to be daily, to weekly, to monthly, to once in every few months.

we have talked about this before and she has mentioned that she just do not have the drive like me. it pains me and there's practically nothing much we can do but to accept it.

all that she says is that she is stressed out from the job and has pretty much lost all energy when she comes back from work. even during weekends, she prefers her rest time to recharge her energy...

while i can understand that stress and pressure from the work place is a killer for her mood, but is it not possible for her to feel at least the urge to at least try to make love more often? or at least try to understand the guy's need as well?

i have tried to lessen her burden by taking out the house chores, and even putting meals on the table just so that she does not need to worry about food when she comes back.Have also been on holidays with her, bought her gifts, give her massage n stuff, everything so that she can be in the mood... yet, the very next day, the mood vanishes and i am back at 1st base.

it really is getting very frustrating to the point i am starting to lose interest in having sex with her. i feel sad about it, we have tried talking about it, but nothing seems to work for the moment. i chose to ignore it but how long can i stand being with a partner who only wants to do it only when her mood needs to be at absolute 100%?

i really want to work things out as we really really want to be together for a long long time. we have repeatedly argued about this same issue and i have no choice but to drop the topic as she is not fond to discuss further about sex. To her, if it happens, then it happens, if not,then wait for it to happen...
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Old 10-06-2010, 09:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

Hi I have been married 12ys and know the ins and outs!!! I recently wrote this article I will give you the link for it!! I really think it will help put a little spark back!!
Denise Decker's Contributor Profile - Associated Content - associatedcontent.com




GOOD LUCK!
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Old 10-07-2010, 03:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

I really don't understand why on earth someone who hates sex would get married. That's part of the job description. You've made your needs known clearly and repeatedly. Either she cares enough to get with the program or she doesn't. If she can't or won't be a real participant in the marriage, then put her out on the curb. I've been dealing with this for 8 years and have basically accepted my fate. At 28, though, you have at least 40 sexual years ahead of you. You can spend them being happy or you can waste them being daily frustrated and resentful. You are the victim of a fraud. If I can't or won't fly an airplane, I have no business hiring on as a pilot. A marriage without sex is not a relationship. It's a hostage scenario.
This isn't just about sex. It's the fact that you have a legitimate need that's very important for your well-being. You aren't asking for something outrageous. She's capable of meeting that need with very little effort on her part but simply refuses to.
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Old 10-07-2010, 05:57 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

hate could probably be too harsh to describe them, perhaps they just do not know how to enjoy sex?
wifey has mentioned for the umpteenth time that she's just not in the mood for sex all the time, it is as if she is now dictating when we can have sex and when not... once in a blue moon when she's in the mood, she will initiate it and ofcoz i wont turn her down. but 9/10 times when i initiate, she will turn me down.
i know she tries to reject nicely by saying lets do it later n stuff, but what she still cant understand is that us normal humans will react positively to that answer and eagerly waiting for that "later" moment, only to be disappointed at the very end coz nothing happened in the end
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Old 10-07-2010, 07:11 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

In order to passively watch your partner suffer for months, you have be more than merely disinterested in sex. I'd think you'd have to find it extremely unpleasant or you'd have to be sadistic. Imagine the unpleasant things you do every day without even thinking about it, just because your wife asks. Now, imagine withholding something you have, knowing that by withholding it, you will very seriously diminish her quality of life, her self-imagine, her ability to concentrate. The thing you willfully withhold, defines in large part who and what she is. You'd have to either hate the task or hate her. Hell will freeze over before my wife initiates. My rejection rate is probably closer to 99 out of 100, maybe higher. I've looked at it from every possible angle and the only way it doesn't look like outright sadism to me is if I accept that sex really is that traumatic and unpleasant for her.
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Old 10-07-2010, 07:23 AM   #14 (permalink)
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so what can do abt it? i mean, judging from the amount of similar entries here, there ought to be a solution, rite?
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Old 10-07-2010, 07:41 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newlyweds (1 yr) and still very little sex

If I had found an answer, I'd be somewhere knocking boots instead of venting here. I think it's like having a spouse with a drug addiction problem. There are counseling options which work for a select few who actually think they have a problem and want help. There are treatments which work for a very few. Most partners eventually throw their hands up and leave after years of trying to draw water out of a dry well, or they get divorced after the partner, in desperation, finds solace elsewhere. Others resign themselves to their fate and nature eventually solves their physical sexual problem for them, through impotency. The couple will end up as just another *****y old pair who tolerate each other out of habit and stubborness until death finally gives both a little relief. The Grim Reaper solves most chronic drug problems and he probably solves most of these sex/no sex issues, too.
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