Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I've been married for 16 years. My husband and I are the best of friends. We have one child and the three of us share a close family bond. Our home life is busy and for the most part happy. My issue is that my husband has never been very interested in sex. Over the years we've gone through waves where things have been great in the bedroom but those times where short and few.
We've gone to marriage counseling and when I opened up about wanting more intimacy and affection from my husband the counselor told me I was too needy! To which I replied..."where am I supposed to get my needs met?"
I've tried everything to engage his interest. I've even changed my physical appearence (hair color, lost 40 pounds). He won't tell me what turns him on. He shows no affection or attention what so ever. The kicker is...he will flirt with other woman and he had an affair 10 years ago (which is why we were in counseling)
I'm at a total loss. He'd rather flirt with and talk to other women. I'm a very loving and willing wife. I compliment him and am very supportive. I don't complain much but whenever I try to talk to him about needing to feel close to him he either shuts me down, gives me excuses or turns it around on me like it's my fault.
Did you stop going to the marriage counselor because of his/her comment?
No we went for a while after that but it wasn't getting us any where. Our relationship isn't the problem. We are fabulous friends, supportive of each other and have great communication between us unless it involves the topic of intimacy (or lack of). We did or were already doing everything the counselor told us to do. We have date night, we do nice things for each other and basically get along great. I just don't understand why our sex life is dead in the water.
I do know it isn't for lack of trying on my part, however a girl can only get shot down so many times before she quits trying.
Do you discuss sex, and his lack of interest, with the counselor? If she hasn't helped you with the sex issue, it could be because she is a bad counselor. Not every counselor is good.
I found out that my HMO's counselors are not as good, because they are overworked, and they love it if they get a cancellation that does not get filled, so they can get a break. A friend told me I should go to a private counselor, and I have to say, my private counselor (which I choose over my free HMO counselor) is wonderful!
Quit trying so hard. Play hard to get. Act coy and flirty, but do not respond if he advances. Make him pursue you. You quit pursuing completely. Try it for awhile, and he may wonder what's going on and it may change his attitude.
Sorry folks...I'm still learning how to work these message boards and can't figure out how to quote more than one thing at a time....
Sara Ann: You are correct the counselor we saw was not a very good one. It was a male counselor which is probably what shocked me the most...a wife wants sex and intimacy from her husband and the male counselor says she's needy? Hmmm??
Sweetpeaflower: I have tried EVERYTHING, playing hard to get doesn't work in a situation where he's not interested. I've done that....we didn't have sex for six months! Flirt? You betcha! I've done it all...sexy text messages...sexy outfits....compliments and ego strokes. Once in a blue moon he will come on to me in the middle of the night while I'm dead asleep. I don't turn him down because it's so infrequent...but it's usually just a quick romp...no foreplay...he "gets off" and goes back to sleep. I'm left there frustrated and in tears because he's so inconsiderate of my needs.
I know I make him sound like a complete a**hole but in all other aspects he's a great guy. A great guy with severe intimacy issues. A good friend of mine saw a television show that dealt with "sexual anorexia" and recommended I do a little research. My husband has many of the "symptoms" but I can not find any advice other than "go to counseling".
May I suggest Viagara. Go get some, throw it in his drink if you have to. He might just lack desire, a little boost might be able to do the trick. Good Luck!
Quit trying so hard. Play hard to get. Act coy and flirty, but do not respond if he advances. Make him pursue you. You quit pursuing completely. Try it for awhile, and he may wonder what's going on and it may change his attitude.
yup, become more mysterious. i just gave similar advice to a guy in another thread, it works both ways.
I don't think playing hard to get will work. The guy has no interest and if Addicted2Love just stops trying, her husband will probably just be grateful not to have to address the issue (I know my wife was).
I've tried everything to engage his interest. I've even changed my physical appearence (hair color, lost 40 pounds). He won't tell me what turns him on. He shows no affection or attention what so ever. The kicker is...he will flirt with other woman and he had an affair 10 years ago (which is why we were in counseling)
I'm at a total loss. He'd rather flirt with and talk to other women. I'm a very loving and willing wife. I compliment him and am very supportive. I don't complain much but whenever I try to talk to him about needing to feel close to him he either shuts me down, gives me excuses or turns it around on me like it's my fault.
Thanks for reading
I'm with the previous poster. I don't think playing hard to get will work here. Affirmation is a common love language, but you're already giving this. He's not willing to have himself checked medically, or try viagra?
Does he ever give any hints to what could be missing, if anything other than just a low drive?
Playing hard to get doesn't work.
I'm not going to slip Viagra in is drink.
I"ve asked him flat out what he needs, wants, likes. His answer is always "I don't know" I'm not sure how much more I can say or do to make him understand.
Thinking about just flat out telling him to step it up or I'll find someone who will.
Playing hard to get doesn't work.
I'm not going to slip Viagra in is drink.
I"ve asked him flat out what he needs, wants, likes. His answer is always "I don't know" I'm not sure how much more I can say or do to make him understand.
Thinking about just flat out telling him to step it up or I'll find someone who will.
You said in your opening post, he'd rather flirt and talk to other women. Has he always done this -along with not having much interest sexually , or is this new behavior?
It sounds like you have tried everything, the talking, the loosing weight, the holding out till he comes around, to no avial.
Is it possibe he is secretly masterbating ? Does he watch porn? Always a good thing to rule out when trying to figure these things out. Men hide this well. Then the medical side, if he has lower testosterone levels (which IS the hormone of desire), then he would have other symptoms generally, not much energy , falling asleep after work easily, brain fog.
Have you thought about doing nonsexual touch for while to help him understand that through touch on your part that he misses it. Maybe doing the touch daily and letting it sink it by just doing that only-might trigger something.
He probably hasn't let go of the emotional issues that led to the affair. He is probably still dealign with that.
WHat do you think is his issue other than physical appearance that has led his interest this way...
Something is up that you are not telling us. I am unable to make sense of him and unable to make sense of you either.
1. You stayed with him through somewhere around 6 years of no sex, yet he had sex with someone else.
2. And you still stayed.
3. You tolerate his disrespect by flirting with other women.
4. And you are still there after another 10 years of no sex and him flirting with other women.
5. You had a crappy counselor but never tried another one. I can understand that perhaps you never knew a man could have some kind of physical problem in that area, but why did it not occur to you to find another counselor?
6. You refuse to slip him viagra when that is an almost certain way to find out if he is dysfunctional or if there is some reason he does not want sex with you. Is that something you are afraid to find out? I would think you'd want some answers by now no matter what they are.
7. If you are thinking of giving him an ultimatum, why have you not done it yet?
Since he's always been like this (as you said in your original post), then it looks like that's all there is to it: he isn't that into sex. Nothing you try will magically make him love sex. Some people are just like that. So now its time to make some plans for the future: Can you live a life with little to no sex for the rest of your days? Is he willing to compromise a bit? If the answer to both of these are no then it might be time to move on.
Husband has no interest 
