Catherine602

What you are saying is that if a woman does not act out your fantasies you have no option but to cheat so she had better put on a show for your pleasure.
Can you see how repugnant that is? A woman needs to be a porn star to keep her husband.
I would not mind being a porn star for my husband if he looked as good and was as big as the male porn actors. However, he does not inspire that kind of enthusiasm. I fantasize about a men with a large penises, tall, flat abdomen, good looking when I masturbate with my vibrator. I fantasize about having anal sex, but not with my husband, sex outdoors but not with my husband. mild bondage but not with my husband.

I would never tell my husband or do any of my fantasies or even hint at doing any of them. He was like you when we first got married, complaints about my performance, what I would not do and made hints about going out side of the marriage.

I would have been glad to do whatever he wanted if he was appreciative of what I did do. But bj where not enough I had to swallow, let him cum on my face, change positions 10 times during sex, be pounded doggie style, allow him to jam his penis in my anus. If I felt like being held during sex instead of being observed he was unhappy, if I wanted to make love and be held lovingly I was boring. Those things killed my desire to please him because he was beyond satisfying.

When he started with veiled threats about what he thought other women would do for him, that did it for me. It became so unpleasant that I lost my desire to have sex with him. I hate his touch and avoid him until I can't avoid him any more. When I have sex with him I have my fantasies and I make him finish quickly with no fanfare. A far cry from what we once had and
the porn star performance he thought he could coerce me to be.

He does not know this but, if I get a hint he is cheating, I will leave. I stay so my kids have a father but I work and can support myself and them and shared finances.

So for all the men who express dissatisfaction with your wife and don't appreciate anything she does because she will not do it just like the porn star of your fantasy, I offer this for your insight. Be satisfied with your wives, you are not entitled to a porn star for your pleasure you married a human not a convenient object to work out you porn fantasies. Stop looking at porn and love you wives. You will never find a woman to perform for you, why should any woman, who are you that you inspire such excitement and sex slavery .

I am certain my hubby is completely confused about what happened I never told him. I know he is frustrated but I don't know what to do for him. I felt like an object being manipulated to satisfy his fantasies. The only thing is that I am human with feelings and dreams and desires as well. I have all the say in what I allow a man to touch my body.

Catherine602

It's not the woman's relationship that will fail it is the man's. You divorce chase the next porn star she gets you, you do the same thing you are doing now so she slowly loses her desire for you, so you leave her and go on to the next porn star until you can't get it up anymore and you just have your fantasies and desires and no woman.

marcopoly69

I understand everything you are saying but my relatioship with my wife is pretty different to yours....and now I've come to realized that not every woman can become a porn star in the bedroom for her husband...only those who are deeply in love with their husband and those who also are deeply attracted to their husband. For a woman to feel like wanting to experience a lot of new things in the bedroom she needs to feel happy, loved, stability and physically attracted to their husband...for this, the husband needs to be a gentleman, take care of themself, be a good parent, provider, friend and make your wife laugh.....when there is a feeling of full happiness in the woman;s heart and head, then the man could ask the wife to be a porn start in the bedroom for him - this morning I told my wife that I was going to be happy with our sex live even if those special things that I want in the sex department do not happen often....I just wanted to let her know that she is not an object for me for my own pleasure, but the person i love the most in this world and the I appriciate everything she's done for us to make our relationship stronger and that I want to experience with her new things but when she feels in the mood for them - she seems receptive and willing....so I am happy althoght they may not happen as soon as i will like but i am doing my part in trying to be a good husband but at the same time, she understand that she needs to be a good wife to me too.....do you agree?

Idontknownow

You better be careful how tightly you corner that cat lest she scratches you back.

Maybe your wife is more compliant then me. I am willing to listen till someone demands something of me. How can you limit her worth to her sexual willingness. I also can't help but resent you for perhaps feeding fears or insecurities she may have you have no notion about.

I sent your OP to my husband. He agrees couples should make efforts to meet each others sexual needs with respect to specific boundaries. Thats exactly how I feel.

I think you also do your gender a disservice by saying every one wants a porn star in the bedroom. Not only that but I just can't believe all men like the same kind of sexual acts or porn just like not all men like blonds, brunettes, stick figures or full figures.

marcopoly69

I agree!...that's why I am saying it depends of the level of connection and intimacy you have with your husband. In my case, I know my wife now 22 years we started dating when she was 17 and I was 18 - we dated for 6 years before we married - and I can tell you all our lives I had a problem with our sex life....she once said that she needs to feel happy and relax to be able to want to experience more in this department. My problem with your thinking is that you think I am forcing my wife to do something she doesn't want....this is not the case, what I am doing is trying to make her feel how this can be something special between us (that not all couples have) and that in order for it to work, we both need to talk about it so when something new happens we have a better chance that we both like it...if not, we'll see next time what else may make our hearts warm...I know of a fact that she enjoys me very much as she experiences 2 orgasms every time we are together - that is almost everyday...once we went 7 days in a row...the problem is when it becomes boring....so I know she enjoys sex very much, now I need to let her know what I want, and hopefully she'll be willing to try it...isn't this part of being a couple very much in love???

SimplyAmorous

My husband has never asked me but I LOVE being his Porn Star, it's all been MY call, MY desire. This is kind of rediculous, but I wish he would ask more of me ! He is the kind of man you describe here and he makes me FEEL the way you describe here. All so very very true.

I think it is good that you are not pushing this on her though, hopefully, in time, and patience, with you learning what truly arouses HER, she will be more willing to please you in every way, incuding some of your wildest fantasies.
Many Many books about the Blessings of sexual intimacy will bear this truth about men. Couldn't agree with this statement more.

nice777guy

marc,

I'm a bit confused. You've been married for over 20 years, right? In a thread you started about a month ago you described your wife as being conservative in bed and, at times, lacking enthusiasm for trying new things.

Sometimes it sounds like you are bragging about your sex life - very frequent, multiple orgasms, 7 days in a row, etc. But at the same time, you aren't happy.


It sounds to me like your wife does not want to do certain things - but you REALLY REALLY want her to do these things (esp. anal). Since you can't quite convince her on your own, you sought out "help" from this board. But instead of getting help, you are now arguing with any advice given by anyone who disagrees with you.

I think instead of arguing so much, you need to spend more time reading and trying to understand what the people here are trying to tell you.

Good luck.

Catherine602

I wish more men realized this. I wish you would start a tread with that sentiment. You are so right it's premature and unfair to expect a woman to be enthusiastic when the man is not making the extra effort to take care of her emotional needs.

Woman are so different emotionally than men. The be sexually adventurous, she has to feel safe from judgement. That means a lover that will not behave badly when he does not get exactly what he wants but to be truly happy with the women's. If I were very happy I might have come around to doing some of the things he wanted but only after feeling loved then I could go the extra mile for such a loving man. He was impatient critical and threatened to cheat. Do you think any being with self respect would respond positively to coercion?

Men say - why do they have to jump through hoops to have satisfying sex. A woman could ask why do men demand so much sexually -Men want women to jump through hoops to make things exciting for them but they don't want to it for women. I understand the emotional basis, I know it is a man's way to feel loved and accepted. Knowing that, I am willing to do what makes him happy by jumping through hoops and pushing my limits.

I will tell you why it is so difficult to be adventurous sexually - have you herd the words that are thrown at woman ****, scank, dirty, *****, and many other. You have said these things is from=nt of your wife or are silent when you hear other men say it. Do you hear the negative portrayal of woman who like sex? Do you hear men say that they only want to marry a woman who is a virgin or who has had few lovers? You probably let your wife know that it was the basis of your selection of her. You tell her you would not marry a woman you just eeefed.

Men express these cruel things all the time and then don't like the consequences. They want all but give nothing. He just wants a ***** when he marries, someone that he has clearly expressed a dislike for. No love of you is not enough, I am sorry men think that but the negativity is too strong and it is difficult to love that ignorant entitled and selfish part of a man. Only parents give unconditional love, not adults.

Relationships between adults are an exchange of satisfactions that is the way nature made us humans. Evolutionally, If one person sacrificed everything for another they would not survive. Self sacrifice has been bred out of us, some men have a hard time seeing that.

The nature of your question, shows you don't accept the role of men in the problems. It is only the woman Your approached is based on blaming and complaining about woman. You get only resistance

Do you understand now?

Catherine602

f one man would sincerely acknowledge the problems that society has with female sexuality it would go a long way. If one man railed agist the portrayal of women as sex object that would go a long way. If one man would correct other man when they call women names or respond to this tread with understanding that will go a long way.

The men who respect women, who realize the impediments to women feeling sexuality free, not the lest of which is an impossibly high standard of beauty, are the ones who are able to realize their hopes and dreams they are not posting here.

This is the solution to your dilemma - change your focus from what you want to what you need you are entitled to, you are really entitled to a lot less that you realize. Go and create the environment that a women needs to bring out her inner freak. Demands, expression of dissatisfaction, entitlement, anger obviously don't work. A couple is required to have mutually enjoying sex, but the woman is not required to entertain her husband. They are both required to please each other and to respect boundaries. The fact that women are usually the ones to set boundaries should be accepted. A man must set boundaries and they should be accepted. If your wife wanted to put on a dildo on and do you in the butt, or she wanted to strike you with a cane, or she wanted you to dress in all leather including you face, or she wanted to pee on your face. And she railed against you because you do not love her enough to please her. If you are entitled, so is she. Lets say she watches women dominating men porn and wanted to dominate you. How would you feel. What if a woman wrote a question similar to yours "why aren't husbands more adventurous in the bedroom and more like porn stars to please their wives. Large members, abs, really built, handsome, virile"? What would your reaction be. Tell the truth.

I think more women should turn it around and ask men for things that involve them doing things they would not ordinarily do. That would make them think and not be so self centered, But men are certain that will not happen because woman are too kind and careful of the male ego but we do not get the same consideration and they control the expression of female sexuality and she would be considered a ****.

Catherine602

What was your bait and switch? How did you change just after the wedding - did you ignore her because you had her now, did you refuse to do the little things that are important to her but not to you? Are you disrespectful of her demanding? do you think you are entitled to the acts she did before marriage, is that why you married her because she did sex acts? I don't feel any sympathy for you because you don't acknowledge your role and you do have one.

A woman gives a much to a man but she runs out of juice if he begins to take her for granted. Women will give and give asking for what they need but if it falls on deaf ears, she stops. All the while the man is happy he gets all the sex he wants he thinks she accepts as he is even if he does nothing to accommodate her.

Do you show the same appreciation and love for what she does do. Did you start to demand more and more sex that was one sided, more frequent bj, (after all she is your wife her mouth is there for your use every day), quickies because you are tired of the long time it takes her to warm up?. More porn type sex that is more like eeeefing than loving, do you want to spice things up with porn sex? You do realize that porn acts are made to male pleasure not women so the more you want this stuff the more imbalance the sex becomes. How about foreplay, maybe you thought because you are married she did not ned it all the time or just shortened How good of a lover are you? If it's over in 10 mins she is not satisfied. When was the last time you read a book on female sexuality? When was the last time you did something just to make her happy and expected no sex in return? Examine the quality of sex you had, ignore the premarital sex., she had stars in her eyes and wanted to give all to you. If you made the mistake of continuing that pattern then you have expect her to get bored with you.

You are the only one who knows your contribution to your problem. You will not admit it because you feel entitled and you married her for self centered reason so of course you are disappointed. You expected an available sex toy to take out of a box not a wife.

Catherine602

If she is willing then you have accomplished something good. Just remember that this is for the long run so why spoil it with impatience. It's wonderful that she wants to try new things it is very difficult for women because there is always the suspicion that they are being used by the man. If you are impatient when you said you would wait until she is ready then you have be honest and say it is about you. There your position is much more difficult to defend.

You cannot use the common male argument that if she loved you she would do what you want, woman have herd this from men all their lives. It's code for "I want something from you for my pleasure and the only enjoyment you should expect is that I enjoy myself. Your love for me should be so strong and unconditional that you allow me to use your body to live out fantasies that have nothing to do with you. You just happen to be a person with the right body parts to service me" She may agree to let you do it just to get some relief from you pestering her.

You have to ask yourself how many times does she need to prove she loves you and watch you take pleasure using her body? would you do that for her? All I am saying is that this attitude is inconsistent with love- you may love her but not enough to to be patient, not enough to not make sex all about you. If you are having sex 7 days a week that is quite a lot maybe too much. If you had it less frequently, you would not be so bored.

My advice is to stop watching porn and concentrate on loving your wife. The more you watch porn the more intense your cravings are and the more impatient you will behave. Your fantasies are fueled by porn not love or concern for your wife's pleasure or happiness. Out of love for her comfort and happiness will you kick the porn habit? If you love her you would do it for her. If you can come up with all kinds of reason that you don't have to do it, then you should be able to understand how she feels. You can't give up the porn for her and she can't be a porn actress for you.

I feel very bad for your wife, I can imagine how her life is to have a man like you constantly at her for sex. I think you should be careful with her, she may get to a point where she stops having sex with you and wish that you cheat or leave. If she wants to escape your constant pestering and badgering her for sex.

Sounds like she does not have a moment alone without being prodded and poked by the man who is supposed to love her and look out for her. Do you have anytime to talk about anything else but what you want sexually? Do have any interest besides sex? Do you have time to exercise? Play sports? Do you take your wife and kids places? Does she get any time away from you to reclaim her body? Do you talk to her about anything else besides sex? When you see her, do you just think about what you want to do sexually with her?

How do you show your love for her besides just talk and sexual demands? I may have this all wrong but reading your post makes me feel lucky that I am not in your wife's situation. I must be honest and say that for all that you say, I don't really think your motives are her pleasure but strictly yours own.

Actions speak louder than words and your actions tell the real story. She probably knows that too. But she may be stuck with you because of kids and finances and feels she must tolerate you until she can get away. Do you think this is the case? Is she free top leave or is she totally dependent on you? If she worked and made a high salary do you think she would stay with you? I am sorry to sound so cold but I have to say.

Yes, sex is a positive thing about marriage but not the most important thing. Sexual variety makes things fun and fresh but only if the variety is for both parties and not forced on one person. Compromise is a sign of love on the part of each person but is one person must have every thing they want or they will make their partners life a living hell then that's not love, that's an association of connivence for a man who views his wife as a substitute for a prostitute or porn actress and not much else. I wish you and your wife the very best and I hope I am wrong.

I am only guessing but I think that's what her life is probably a living hell.

malmale

hey Catherine, outta curiousity, would you urself do something kinky in the bedroom just to please ur partner? he may not ask/push u to do it but u know that it pleases him should u do it..?

SimplyAmorous

Darn Catherine, you are being a little nasty to marcopoly69. I feel like sticking up for him! I do not know this original poster or his story, but I can attest to knowing GOOD loving caring husbands who have wives who simply care nothing for their needs. Zero enthusiam in the bedroom. I talk to one of them on the phone a few times a month, I do not know how he stays with her! She is my friend & I say this. She talks about how much she loves him on facebook & brags on him, he is the most wonderful thing that ever happened in her life, then tells me she has left him crying when she refuses him sex and thinks nothing of it, completly emotionless. But she loves him.

It happens more than you would think, (Good men, uncaring no drive women), maybe not in your sitaution, it sounds as though maybe your husband has ignored your emotional needs so you feel This man must be doing the same. Maybe he is !! I dont know!! I just felt like sticking up for him after those posts I read.
But to categorize ALL men who have this struggle with their wives with the same broad paint brush, even if they do enjoy porn & have such fantasies, well, I don't think that is fair.

Most porn is pathetic, unrealistic and shocking, but some is geared towards women & their enjoyment. A little softer touch, try PlayGIRL Dvd's.

greenpearl

Marco has a very sweet wife and he is a loving husband, he really wants to spice up their sex and get both of them wild in the bedroom. Nothing wrong.

I just told Marco to slow down a little bit. Don't try out all the fun too soon, right!

Catherine602

Yes I don't know what you have in mind but theses are things I can only dream of doing if I were with a man who accepted me and did not criticize me

I have a vivid imagination
Sex while bent over a truck seat from behind with my pants down around my ankles and dress up
light bondage with a man's tie while he does me while I am lying on my stomach
Anal sex
Oral sex with him or top moving in and out of my mouth not degrading deep or gaging though
dress up I just stated wearing platform with 4 inch high heals. I would love to have sex in them
I am a good girl Catholic school 2 partners before a married.

If a wife you considered a good girl told you she wanted to do the things I want to do, tell very honestly what you would think of her.

That is a factor that inhibits me I would just would want to die if a man I loved thought badly of me.

I think although men say they like a woman who is sexually adventurous, I have a suspicion that it would cause trouble.

If I told my husband he would want to know were I got the ideas, if I ever did these things. I know he would so I will never tell him. He would defiantly think differently of me. The things he says about women related to sexuality shows what he really thinks.

Is that what you mean i would never involve another person or anything degrading, painful, harmful.