Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I'm really sorry, but this is really long. I really hope someone can give me some words of advice.
DH and I have been married 5 years, and we have a 2-year old. Our marriage has been pretty good, other than the normal arguments/fights most couples have. DH is really bad at communication, and when he's upset he shuts down and denies being angry/upset. Otherwise, he's a very caring and loving guy.
We've been suffering with sexual problems on and off since the beginning. I've always been somewhat conservative about sex, and was never too comfortable with being 'creative' in the bedroom, unlike my husband. Despite my reservations, I tried to play along to the best of my abilities, but DH was never thoroughly happy with our sexual relationship.
As time went by, my interest in sex started to decrease, and his increased exponentially. When I got pregnant, whatever little sex drive I had, diminished altogether. He was understanding, and stayed patient throughout. Since the day I got pregnant, to this day, I could probably count on one hand the number of times I actually wanted sex. The other few times that we've had it, I've had to force myself.
It has started taking a toll on DH and our relationship...to the point where we've realized that something is majorly wrong. It's not just sex. I find even kissing and making out revolting most of the time. No matter how much I try, I just can't get into it. I feel like screaming when he's trying to get me in the "mood". I can't stand it when he gropes me in the privates or my breasts. We've had a couple of serious talks about it, where I told him I don't like it (in a nice way), and although he mostly avoids it now, he resents me for it. (This is something he's done from day one. I never felt quite comfortable with it ever, but I never said anything until the recent months when I just couldn't take it anymore.)
I love him, and can't imagine not being with him anymore. Neither will he leave me because of this issue, but I feel guilty all the time. At the same time, I have unintionally started avoiding going to bed at the same time because I'm scared he'll want to have sex. I sometimes find myself avoiding eye contact because I worry he'll want to start making out. We've tried long foreplay, as well as a relaxing massage, which has helped somewhat in the past. Now I avoid the massage altogether.
We keep having this fight every few weeks, without much result. He wants me to change, and in spite of seeking counselling, I just cannot get myself to be more intimate. [FYI: I was sexually groped and abused a number of times by an extended family member in my childhood, which my husband knows about. This has also been discussed in my counselling sessions.]
I feel like we're both falling into a black hole of depression. The more he wants sex, the more I get turned off, and the more I avoid it, the more he wants it. If by chance I do get into it eventually, I enjoy the orgasm, but I still don't enjoy the actual sex part. (I've never been able to have an orgasm during sex.) DH says what worries him most is the fact that I "enjoy" because of my body's reaction to the stimulation, and not because I want to be intimate with him -- which he translates into me not loving him.
Is this ever going to change? Is something psychologically wrong with me? (I've been thinking of making an appointment with a psychologist, since a counselor didn't help.)
Whatever the problem is, please don't stop trying to fix it. Being on the receiving end of a sexless marriage is so not fun, it's hard to find words to adequately describe it. Put it this way, if I don't see some improvement rather soon, I'm heading off to Afghanistan. Imagine how bad life has to suck before a combat zone seems like a relief.
I think the fact that you look at foreplay as him "groping" you and refer to it in a way that implies it's a bad thing is a telling sign. Whether it's a sign that he's going after sex in a way that is a total turn off or a sign that you have ended up with a not so good idea of sex isn't clear to me.
I would continue with counseling, as I do think your past history contributes to what is happening now. I also would see your doctor for a thorough check up and have then draw blood and do labwork to ensure that everything is ok with you. I think it's possible you could have some underlying health condition that is interfering with your sex drive.Combine past history with an undiagnosed health condition and you end up where you are now.
Forgetting about your husband for a couple of seconds, what about your sexuality in general? Do you fantasize, do you ever get horny?
The more he'll ask the more you'll get turned off, that's a sure thing. It will put a lot more pressure on you. That stress will kill even the tiny trace of attraction you could develop if left alone. I'm dealing with the same thing with my husband except he's the one who doesn't really want to. I feel like i should also say the more you starve him of it, it's likely more he'll want it and the more attractive you'll be for him...at least until he gets tired of asking.
"I was sexually groped and abused a number of times by an extended family member" which means you associate that kind of behavior with something quite bad and unpleasant. Perhaps you should try have an honest talk with your own self (introspection) and try to separate your husband from your abuser. Touches like that may bring you back to those extremely bad moments in your life but your mind needs to understand that your husband's touch is not the same. It comes from a person who loves you, respects you and only has your well-being in mind.
A psychologist or sexologist might help. Till you get there though hope you'll find some relevant advice on this forum. There are people here on both sides of the story, yours and your husband's.
Sorry, I wasn't clear. I didn't mean I feel like he's groping during foreplay -- most of the times at least. It's these random times during our everyday activities like cooking, cleaning, etc. that he'd come and start touching my privates or would just want to "play" with my breasts. It was a major turn off and left me quite frustrated. I'm sure he felt frustrated too, not getting a response back or seeing me stiff up. After our talk, he has stopped that for the most part.
However, we also established in our recent discussion, that indeed I do think of sex as something bad. It's not something I like to even talk about with my DH (or anyone for that matter.) It's like I want nothing to do with it, nor hear or talk about it.
I've been to the doctor about it a couple of times, and there doesn't seem to be any underlying medical condition, since I've had a blood test and all. I was so desperate, I wanted something to be physically wrong, so we could at least fix it with medication.
As for how my sexuality is in general, very rarely do I physically "feel" the need, and in the recent few months, I've never felt it even once. I don't fantasize either. So I know it's not DH, although I don't feel any physical attraction towards him, even though I love him. I don't know if that even makes sense.
exactly what wifey is going through rite now, there just isnt the drive or the desire to make love with me... more often than not, my initiation is like hitting against the brick wall and the worst part, it iritates her most of the times when i try to ask for sex. so what can we do other than just respect ur her wishes and just live a sexless life?
while we do love each other to bits, unfortunately sex has and is still never part of something we can be proud of. while she is equallly fine with no sex, deep down it is frustrating and very hurtful. well i guess some men are just suckers when it comes to loving a person wholeheartedly and sacrificing the 1 thing that matters so much to him...
As for how my sexuality is in general, very rarely do I physically "feel" the need, and in the recent few months, I've never felt it even once. I don't fantasize either. So I know it's not DH, although I don't feel any physical attraction towards him, even though I love him. I don't know if that even makes sense.
Juidth: Do you think there is some emotional issues going on that need resolving. Those do play into it. Sex is vital to a partnership. You do need to find out what is contributing to you not being able to engage. Sometimes just doing it will bring the feelings back. THe more you do it the more you will want it. You will be surprised.
Have you an him talk about a compromise and what you need to stimulate. THe challenge is he is maybe not giving you enough arousal to bring you to climax -not enough stimulation in foreplay as well as foreplay in nonsexual to bring you to wanting sex. That is vital for a woman
Men will leave you if you don't service them and make them feel loved/sexy/desirable/awesome. All humans are insecure, its primal.
I recommend that you start a campaign internally for wanting to get laid. Every day when you wake up, say to yourself 10 times, "I want to get f'd right now" And then watch some internet porn for 15 minutes.
To me, sex is important, but intimacy is more important. Sex is a major way couples typically communicate love, desire, appreciation, etc. If you find sex troublesome, perhaps it would help to find other ways to be intimate. Could be taking a walk with him, holding hands, just something special you only do with him. My wife has really low libido and it's obviously a problem for me, but it's easier on me if we continue to do other "couple" things. I could live without sex but don't want to live without love. Without that, all I am is some guy who goes to work and occupies space in a home. At some point, most couples end up in sexless marriages but they manage to remain in love.
To me, sex is important, but intimacy is more important. Sex is a major way couples typically communicate love, desire, appreciation, etc. If you find sex troublesome, perhaps it would help to find other ways to be intimate. Could be taking a walk with him, holding hands, just something special you only do with him. My wife has really low libido and it's obviously a problem for me, but it's easier on me if we continue to do other "couple" things. I could live without sex but don't want to live without love. Without that, all I am is some guy who goes to work and occupies space in a home. At some point, most couples end up in sexless marriages but they manage to remain in love.
i think that's pretty common these days, when 1 goes sexless for a long period of time, the desire dies... but life still has to go on
I get that this is your inner dialog to achieve cognitive consonance, but don't assume that this works for others. Cause it really doesn't.
correcto
well, lets put it this way, wifey's low libido is clashing against my raging-bll hormones and the results are not pretty. so what can u do, compromise? well, if both can come to terms of 50% give n take, well n fine.
however, for my case, it is either i really try to forget about sex or risk arguing with her all the time on the same issue, ending up creating with more stress in our relationship...
since i love her so much, and so do her, and we're pretty tired with me pushing her n her saying no all the time. i see no way outta this torrid circle except for me to give in to her lack of needs. if it doesnt happen, too bad, if it does, then it's my lucky day
Sure, I can feel and be sexual today, but I'm one gunshot, explosion, or car crash from being even more unresponsive than my wife is, now. If that happened, I'd still be worth loving and I'd hope my wife would think so, too. I don't know why her sex drive is low but I'm pretty sure it's not something she asked for. I'm tired of feeling frustrated all the time, so maybe it's time to just give it a rest, at least for a while and concentrate on things we can do.
You need to rekindle the sex spark. What did you do in the beginning. Sex is vital. Maybe starting with nonsexual touch for while and move towards her vagina etc and then move back-sometimes the touch in a woman needs to be spark. full body massage and then sexual one-before entry. do this every nite before sleep.
Judith, on the surface there doesn't seem to be any serious emotional issues anymore. We did go through a period where there were tons, mostly to do with being a new parent. I was even taking antidepressants for postpartum depression, but after talking to the doctor who said it could be contributing to my low libido, we decided I stopped taking them.
I've had to sacrifice my career for our daughter-- though I still work from home from time to time. I cook and clean, take care of our toddler, even iron his clothes, without asking him to do anything around the house, other than taking out trash once a week. I also go to the gym to regularly work out in case being cooped in the house is making me not be "good enough" for him. He still criticizes me all the time for not having a 'hobby' or having something more productive to do, other than watch tv when I want to relax in the evenings after my daughter's bedtime.
There are times when for a week or two, I'll feel normal and actually happy about sex -- not necessarily 'feeling' it, but happy to be close to my husband and to make him happy. However, most of the time, this topic makes me depressed altogether. I probably get irritated as well, but for the most part it's the immense guilt and depression I feel about this topic.
Unbelieveable, it's all or nothing for my husband. If there's sex, he wants it everyday. If I say no a couple of times, he spends days ignoring me or being cold. When I ask him if he's angry or try talking about it, he simply denies. Pretty much 99% of the time, I have to actually spell out what exactly I did to make him angry, for him to even admit that yes, indeed he is angry. And that discussion ends up with the conclusion that something's majorly wrong with me -- which is true.
I want us to be intimate like hold hands, cook together, just be close, but if he's not getting sex, he wants nothing. I've even tried compromising on the number of times we have sex -- say once a week, but most of the time, he just refuses, saying if he's not getting it everyday or every other day, he'd rather not have it at all to save himself the frustration of the other times he'll be "rejected". When he spends days being cold, it pushes me away even more...making me think why I should force myself to have sex once a week, when the other 6 days, he's going to give me attitude.
We've had numerous discussions on this topic. We both know what the problems are, but somehow, I'm the only one who's "wrong" because I'm the one not satisfying his needs.
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Low/no sex drive 
