Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I apologize for this really long post, but I need to tell the entire story to get to the main issue we are going through now.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Our relationship is relatively good and we love each other deeply.
Prior to our relationship he has engaged in sexual activity with both men and women, and that did not bother me. Our sexual relationship started out pretty normal except for one thing -- he was never able to climax with me. At first I didn't think anything of it, but as time went on, it became a concern for me as I could never imagine my life without a climax so I figured that for him, it had to be 100 times more frustrating. Along with that, he suffers from ED which is caused by the migraine medication he takes. I asked him if he MB and if he could climax by doing that. He mentioned that he did MB but it takes a really long time for him to reach climax. He also said that this problem goes back to when he was in his early 20's..He was able to climax then, but after starting the medication, it became more difficult to reach it and then eventually there was no climax at all. That's how it has been for him for the last 10 years or so.
As time went on, our sex life diminished somewhat and he said it was because of the trouble he was having due to the ED. We went to several doctors to see if it was a physical issue as opposed to just the medication and they said that it was most likely caused by the medication as as a result, they prescribed Cialis for him. This helped with the ED but not with the climax issue.
Even after Cialis, our sex life was still not at the point where I would have liked it to be...we were having sex once about every couple of months which was very frustrating for me. I would try to suggest different things to do and asked him what he likes. At first he was hesitant in opening up about that part of his life, but finally he told me that years before meeting me, he was part of the "swinging lifestyle". He mentioned that he's done pretty much everything there is to do in relation to sex. I was ok with this revelation because that was his past, and I even considered participating in it if it would help with our sex life, but ultimately, I could not go through with it because I felt that I would become jealous if I saw him with another person. But I stressed to him that I was open to pretty much anything else.
Fast forward to this past July. Our relationship was strained a bit more because of the sex issue and he was at the point where he was not open to try to fix the issue anymore. Each time I brought up the subject, he would shut down and not want to talk about it. After a few weeks of trying to get through to him, I ended up searching his computer. I never snooped on his computer before but I felt that he was hiding something. The history on his computer showed alot of pornography. I'm ok with that too since I also watch porn from time to time. (Note: I did NOT find anything illegal on his computer). What shocked me was that I found a personal ad site for adults and explicit pictures of him taken in our home. Additionally, the paragraph he wrote for the ad mentioned that he was married and wants to engage in a discreet encounter. Of course this infuriated me, I confronted him about it, he swore up and down that he did not and will not cheat on me and said he put that ad up to gain access to other member's web cams and that most won't share unless the person is married. Additionally, he said he got a thrill out of doing something bad like that. I really didn't buy that story because in the paragraph he said he wanted a discreet encounter and I know that he could get web cam access pretty much anywhere on the internet without posting a personal ad. I did create an account on the site and I confirmed that there are web cams available to the members, not just personal ads.
I asked him to leave and we were separated for a little while. In my heart I really don't believe that he cheated on me, but still, the ad I found on the internet is really suspicious and he agreed that it was the wrong thing to do.
We reconciled a few weeks later and he then opened up more to me and said that he is desensitized to just about everything in regards to "normal" sexual activity and that's why our sex life was so little and far in between. I've offered to watch the pornography he likes but he never took me up on that offer. He did go to a psychologist to hopefully figure out why he is so desensitized and to figure out how to resolve it. I wanted to go with him to the appointments but he said he needed to figure this out on his own. He attended two sessions and said that the psychologist was not sure how he can rewire his brain to enjoy a more "normal" sex life with me. He suggested for us to buy a book that covers everything related to sex (including ED issues) and follow the suggestions it had. We both read the book and I was excited to try some of the things it had in there, but he never made an effort to try.
We last had sex on September 3rd because it was our anniversary. Since then, I again tried to accommodate him, suggest new things, but it didn't work.
Just last night, we had another long serious talk about these issues in our relationship. I asked him if he was open to going to sex therapy and he is. But he's not confident it will help. I'm about at my wit's end and not sure if it will help or not either. We both agreed that effort needs to be put into these issues if we are to get to a normal sex life. I'm not asking for a complete turnaround, just that we have it a little more often.
So at this point, I'm searching for sex therapists in my area, but I'm wondering if anyone here has experienced a similar situation and could anyone offer any advice for us?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story.
sorry I didn't see this until now. I dont know what is going on with it sending me.. see responses below yours
Hello --
I apologize for this really long post, but I need to tell the entire story to get to the main issue we are going through now.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Our relationship is relatively good and we love each other deeply.
Prior to our relationship he has engaged in sexual activity with both men and women, and that did not bother me. Our sexual relationship started out pretty normal except for one thing -- he was never able to climax with me.
Judith: Usually if men and women have not healed from prevous experiences they can affect the current relationship. Also he may have an emotional issue going on that is contributing to that. because it can for a man
At first I didn't think anything of it, but as time went on, it became a concern for me as I could never imagine my life without a climax so I figured that for him, it had to be 100 times more frustrating. Along with that, he suffers from ED which is caused by the migraine medication he takes. I asked him if he MB and if he could climax by doing that. He mentioned that he did MB but it takes a really long time for him to reach climax.
JUdith: Also he is so safet iwth doing it with MB that he is will have a hard time doing it with yu. Is there anyway he can take viagra or something to help ...Is there anyway he can change on the migrain meds?
He also said that this problem goes back to when he was in his early 20's..He was able to climax then, but after starting the medication, it became more difficult to reach it and then eventually there was no climax at all. That's how it has been for him for the last 10 years or so.
Judith: It sounds like if he can change the migraine meds he can get it back with time and emotional whatever.
As time went on, our sex life diminished somewhat and he said it was because of the trouble he was having due to the ED. We went to several doctors to see if it was a physical issue as opposed to just the medication and they said that it was most likely caused by the medication as as a result, they prescribed Cialis for him. This helped with the ED but not with the climax issue.
Judith: It sounds like an emotional issue.
Even after Cialis, our sex life was still not at the point where I would have liked it to be...we were having sex once about every couple of months which was very frustrating for me. I would try to suggest different things to do and asked him what he likes. At first he was hesitant in opening up about that part of his life, but finally he told me that years before meeting me, he was part of the "swinging lifestyle". He mentioned that he's done pretty much everything there is to do in relation to sex.
Judith: Sounds like he needs to learn your sexuality and not fall back on others. and there is a difference. Yes but he needs to learn yours. He has some stuff it sounds like he needs to work through
I was ok with this revelation because that was his past, and I even considered participating in it if it would help with our sex life, but ultimately, I could not go through with it because I felt that I would become jealous if I saw him with another person. But I stressed to him that I was open to pretty much anything else.
Judith: Nonsexual affection is vital vs nothing at all. You both need it and it helps with the seuxal touch etc. maybe start with that for now and not push for intercourse.
We reconciled a few weeks later and he then opened up more to me and said that he is desensitized to just about everything in regards to "normal" sexual activity and that's why our sex life was so little and far in between.
Judith: I say and I know this to be true how I dont know but that he can overcome the desensitizaiton and start all over again and heal from the emotional stuff it created and have a sex life with you
I've offered to watch the pornography he likes but he never took me up on that offer. He did go to a psychologist to hopefully figure out why he is so desensitized and to figure out how to resolve it. I wanted to go with him to the appointments but he said he needed to figure this out on his own. He attended two sessions and said that the psychologist was not sure how he can rewire his brain to enjoy a more "normal" sex life with me.
Judith: It is not only about rewiring the brain it is about him change his thinkging and working on the relationship etc if he wants to and do things that can help it to return. Or read books on teh subject as well by sex therapist who have had cases where he can do it
Just last night, we had another long serious talk about these issues in our relationship. I asked him if he was open to going to sex therapy and he is. But he's not confident it will help. I'm about at my wit's end and not sure if it will help or not either. We both agreed that effort needs to be put into these issues if we are to get to a normal sex life. I'm not asking for a complete turnaround, just that we have it a little more often.
Judith: Like once a week is good. or ...the good thing is that your wiling to do it and since he is wanting it-even though-...
So at this point, I'm searching for sex therapists in my area, but I'm wondering if anyone here has experienced a similar situation and could anyone offer any advice for us?
Judith: start with nonsexual affection and throughout the day and all day etc. kiss before he goes to work and after he comes home-Maybe jsut start with kissing and see how it can lead to orgasm or some such sexual feeling. before you both get up and both before you fall asleep. Something is better than nothing.
I dont know how to say this. But ulimately you need to see sex therapists. but as a friend if you will -my friend ask me to talk to her husband about her sexual stuff so he could understand what she was going through and sometimes we did a three way convo on the net-if you have like yahoo IM we can do that.
I can point out things that you both may not realize etc in the meantime while waiting for the therapist.
We both talk privately I with him and she with me and then all three. etc.
Judith
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story.
Thank you for your response. He cannot change his migraine meds because this is the first one that has worked for him after trying many others. He already is on Cialis (similar to Viagra) and he has a difficult time with affection (non-sexual touch) because of his many years in the "swinging lifestyle" since in that world there is only sex, no love, no affection. So, it's almost like I can't push for non-sexual touch or intercourse at all. Very frustrating indeed.
Therapy is definitely required here. Do not consider adding others or things like that. It's not going to help. Well...it might help, but given that you already know you aren't comfortable with it, it's only going to help the physical problem, while hurting the emotional side of sex and your relationship.
Find a good therapist, sex or otherwise. He definitely needs to talk to the therapist, and I think it probably wouldn't hurt for you to see one (either the same one or a different one) to try to get a better understanding of what he's dealing with and help you. You should also probably go with him to his appointments, or at least some of them, but I'm sure a good therapist would suggest that anyway, when the time is right.
Thank you for your response. He cannot change his migraine meds because this is the first one that has worked for him after trying many others. He already is on Cialis (similar to Viagra) and he has a difficult time with affection (non-sexual touch) because of his many years in the "swinging lifestyle"
Judith: I dont know how to say this but he can change his thinking and his decision on receive affection. Women who have had trauma have to be able to choose to change their thinking in order to heal. There is a decision of sorts with anything. It is a matter of whether he really wants to change or not but it wont be easy. MAybe talking to someone about his emotional challenges would help. I dont know how to say this but
usually writing online anonymously helps for some reason for every one. men and women.
He could go to a site like aftersilence or this site? or if it would help my friend had me talk to her husband to find out about her and "help" or share-cant think of a word to use here- both of them. I am talking to another father to help him with his wife because of her trauma in the past
since in that world there is only sex, no love, no affection. So, it's almost like I can't push for non-sexual touch or intercourse at all. Very frustrating indeed.
Judith; MAybe not push but ask-the key is he needs to learn waht your hand is in touch and concentrate on that.. just like waht women need to do. and men for that matter coming from trauma. IN some ways it is a trauma. There is got to be something in the past that led him to that and or ....
Thanks again for the responses. He mentioned that he wants us both to find a therapist together and I'm still waiting on that. I've done some searches and I found several in my area, but I'm waiting for him to bring it up. I feel that I don't want to push, but should I be pushing? I feel like I've been patient with him for 3 years but he says he needs to take things slow if he's going to be successful with rewiring his brain. I'm just not sure about any of this anymore and it's tearing me up.
I think he is right... he is desensitized to regular sex bc of his wild activities prior to you. He may need to go through a stage of not having sex at all (masturbating included) so he can reprogram his excitatory state with less intense things. Maybe hypnotherapy to remove the old memories... or at least dull them... to open his mind to fresh experiences.
Thanks again for the responses. He mentioned that he wants us both to find a therapist together and I'm still waiting on that.
Judith; I wanted to try to write something last time but didnt have the nerve. I care about marriages and partnerships and my friend ask me to talk to her husband to help her and him out with things they were dealing with both together and privately etc separately. "Friend" or whatever you want to call me. I am not a therapist but some due to sex is hard to talk with in person. But you do do need to see one but in the meantime I could be someone to bounce things off of. until then. I am doing so with a father already with his partner.
I've done some searches and I found several in my area, but I'm waiting for him to bring it up. I feel that I don't want to push, but should I be pushing?
Judith: No dont push but remind him every so often.
I feel like I've been patient with him for 3 years but he says he needs to take things slow if he's going to be successful with rewiring his brain. I'm just not sure about any of this anymore and it's tearing me up.
Judith; sexual healing is a slow process. I am open to talk with you privately if you want. etc.
Toolate -- Thanks for your response. I haven't thought about hypnotherapy and that's an interesting idea. I have a few friends that used it for various reasons and it helped them. I will bring it up to him and see if he's open to it.
Judith -- Thank you for your offer. I will keep it in mind. We chose a therapist last night and I'm going to call for an appointment next week.
We talked about this issue last night again (he brought the subject up for once!) and basically he said that he's 80% hetero and 20% bi (in a sexual way, not relationship...he says he can never be in a relationship with a guy). So then I asked him if he was with a guy, would he be desensitized and have the ED issues and he said yes. Basically because of the meds, no matter what he would do, guy or girl, he would have the same issues we are facing. He also mentioned that he wants to go back to a different doctor to see if there's anything else that can be done to help the ED situation. I was really surprised that he brought all this up and I asked him why and he said because our marriage is more important than anything else and he knows how much this is affecting me especially lately. I feel hopeful with that, but at the same time, if it all works out for him, I don't know if he'd cheat on me. I don't think he would because otherwise our relationship is great, but with him having the ED issues for many years and if the sexual feelings come roaring back, I'm afraid he'll want a guy instead of me. I'm probably thinking too much into it at this point and will have to wait and see how things go.
We talked about this issue last night again (he brought the subject up for once!) and basically he said that he's 80% hetero and 20% bi (in a sexual way, not relationship...he says he can never be in a relationship with a guy).
Judith: IF you want to know why I will write you privately but he can heal from the bi issues. he can control it. There is such a thing as a man adn woman control their desires when it comes to sex even though for a man it is tough now days but it can be done.
So then I asked him if he was with a guy, would he be desensitized and have the ED issues and he said yes.
Judith: ED issues are psychological and phsyical -that long word that I can't always remember how to spell. Shame can be a part of it. Sex for men is personal because of how they are wired and so on
Basically because of the meds, no matter what he would do, guy or girl, he would have the same issues we are facing. He also mentioned that he wants to go back to a different doctor to see if there's anything else that can be done to help the ED situation.
Judith: Yes that can be done
I was really surprised that he brought all this up and I asked him why and he said because our marriage is more important than anything else and he knows how much this is affecting me especially lately.
Judith: Wow. Good. Men want sex and want it to work -they would hate to see it not work-and sex is vital for both of you and the kids really because they can see healthy sexuality nonsexually between the parents. etc.
I feel hopeful with that, but at the same time, if it all works out for him, I don't know if he'd cheat on me.
Judith: Well he shouldn't if he is committed to make it work-etc.
I don't think he would because otherwise our relationship is great, but with him having the ED issues for many years and if the sexual feelings come roaring back, I'm afraid he'll want a guy instead of me.
Judith: I am sorry but he can fix that. He needs to find out why those issues and feelings are going on. I wouldn't stay with him for the kids sake if he is going to pursue a guy.
I'm probably thinking too much into it at this point and will have to wait and see how things go.
Hubby's "old life" = Nonexistant Sex Life Now 
