My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 10-21-2010, 04:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

A little background, my wife and I have been together for 4 years, and married for 2 with no children. Our sex life has always been amazing (4-6 times a week) until she started her new job. She is an RN and works a night shift, so she is tired very often and i understand this and respect her wishes. Also in this same time period i have felt that our relationship is slipping away and she never seems to want to spend time with me. well, this morning she gets home from work and i make an attempt to have sex with her and she says no. As i said before i try to respect her wishes because i know her job is hard on her, so i leave the subject alone. Well less than five minutes later, i go into our bedroom to tell her that im leaving and i find her masturbating. I was immediately offended but i offered to give a hand or have sex since she was obviously in the mood, and she asked if i could leave the room.
So why would she rather masturbate than have sex with me? I have found that this is making me feel very inadequate, and im not sure is I can ever make love to my wife again without wondering why she would rather share the experience with herself, than with her husband.
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

Did you ask her why she preferred to do it herself?
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Old 10-21-2010, 05:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

The answer to "why" could be many things. I highly doubt it's your skill in the bedroom though. My guess is it has more to do with your feeling that your, "relationship is slipping away and she never seems to want to spend time with me."

One thing I've learned from this website is the power of resentment (deserved or not) to create a wall in a relationship. Can you think of any reasons she might resent you right now. Things said, not said, maybe this new job.

If it is something like that it will grow and fester and she will resist being with you emotionally or physically (like this morning.)
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Old 10-21-2010, 05:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

I'm gonna let my overactive imagination go to work here.
She doesn't want to spend time with you, you imply that there is a bit of a "coldness" from her, and she doesn't want to have sex with you.
She's a RN, working the night shift. Usually the newest doctors are on that shift. And by newest, I mean young, handsome SINGLE and with a bright future ahead of them.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you may have to consider the possibility of an affair here.
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Old 10-21-2010, 05:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

The timing of it was a completely hostile act on her part.

It was not just a preference of masturbation over sex with you.

I'd buy that if you had not just tried to be intimate with her and when you came into the bedroom even then she rejected you.

Something is up. Find out what it is.
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

It makes perfect sense. She's tired (from night shift) so she probably just wants a quick orgasm and then sleep. There is nothing quicker than masturbating by yourself alone, and it requires minimal effort. Drawing it out for longer with a partner may not appeal to her because she is tired (and if you do many night shifts, studies have shown that it is bad for your health, as well as making you constantly tired).

Is it possible to wait and bring it up at a more appropriate time, say on her days off or when she gets up after sleeping? If you let her rest, she won't be so tired and thus will be more open to it. It sounds pretty clear cut to me.
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

I am going to throw something out there and you can take from it what you choose. While i agree there may be some serious issues here it may also come down to something simple. Masturbation is not always about sex or intimacy or any thing else dramatic. It can also be about one persons relationship with themselves. It could be simply that she wanted an orgasm. not all the drama and work of a sexual encounter, but a quick bit of alone time. It might make sense after a tough shift. I know it is not easy to accept from a male ego standpoint, but...
I admit it sounds like there are things there that need to be talked about but i would not jump on the affair bus just yet.
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Old 10-22-2010, 12:03 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

work on ur relationship issues, then only think about sex...
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Old 10-22-2010, 02:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 76Trombones View Post
It makes perfect sense. She's tired (from night shift) so she probably just wants a quick orgasm and then sleep. There is nothing quicker than masturbating by yourself alone, and it requires minimal effort
As a woman, i'd also go ahead and say the above. I have many times when i'm tired from work and i want an orgasm because it's an "anti-stress" pill. If i'm allowed to be more revealing, i can actually afford to have 5-6 of them in a pretty short interval by myself (it's probably due to all that "practice" i've had in over 15 years of doing it and knowing all the buttons to push to get there quite fast).

At that moment of tiredness, sex with a partner (and the responsibility it implies, of not just sitting there and feeling pleasure but giving too) can be the last thing on your mind.

To note that sometimes i'm not in an actual mood for sex. I just go do it because i know it lifts my mood, makes my body relax. Like i said, stress reliever. The pressure you guys feel down there when you don't do anything, i personally believe us women feel in our heads. That's probably why some of us are cranky close to hysterical when we go without for long.
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Old 10-22-2010, 04:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ihat View Post
A little background, my wife and I have been together for 4 years, and married for 2 with no children. Our sex life has always been amazing (4-6 times a week) until she started her new job. She is an RN and works a night shift, so she is tired very often and i understand this and respect her wishes. Also in this same time period i have felt that our relationship is slipping away and she never seems to want to spend time with me. well, this morning she gets home from work and i make an attempt to have sex with her and she says no. As i said before i try to respect her wishes because i know her job is hard on her, so i leave the subject alone. Well less than five minutes later, i go into our bedroom to tell her that im leaving and i find her masturbating. I was immediately offended but i offered to give a hand or have sex since she was obviously in the mood, and she asked if i could leave the room.
So why would she rather masturbate than have sex with me? I have found that this is making me feel very inadequate, and im not sure is I can ever make love to my wife again without wondering why she would rather share the experience with herself, than with her husband.
Brush up your skills and always be playful & unpredictable. I musterbate a lot but only f my husband twice a month.
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Old 10-22-2010, 10:16 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

From what I am going through with my H, I agree with Ted.

When there are resentments from a spouse (and the OTHER spouse ALWAYS KNOWS deep inside what those resentments are!!!), it comes out in the bedroom.

I've been reading Schnarch's books, and in his sex therapy he helps each spouse overcome their own limitations. Once that is done, and they are strong and healthy in themselves, desire naturally flows. It is not about technique in sex, it is about desiring the other and loving the other, and making yourself vulnerable. Like opening your eyes during sex, or during orgasm, really letting your partner see you.

That's why the best sex happens in your 40's, 50's, 60's.

My H and I are going to counseling now, and after we got home from our first session, he did something for me that I have been wanting him to do a long time. Never underestimate the power of counseling either.

If she were just tired, AND she was open and loving to you, she would say, "Honey, I'm so tired now, you can sit and watch me", or "Let's you and I get together tomorrow, I just am doing this quickie".

She pushed you away, she knowingly hurt you. AND SHE KNOWS IT.

(I will start posting again next week - have been busy dealing with some personal stuff).
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Old 10-22-2010, 10:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

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She pushed you away, she knowingly hurt you. AND SHE KNOWS IT.
This was my point in a nutshell.

Everyone makes good points about just wanting stress relief after a difficult night working as an RN.

But the context of rejecting sex and then running off to the bedroom to masturbate is the clue to the whole dynamic.

How many threads have there been on this and similar forums regarding a rejected wife whose husband does the same have there been? The general conclusion on those threads is that he has a problem and needs to change.

Seems like she has a problem. Is it an affair? Can't say. But her problem includes hostility for something in her relationship with you.

If you hadn't just attempted to have sex with her and literally 5 minutes later she's diddling herself behind the unlocked bedroom door ( as if you wouldn't be going in there? She wanted you to find her so she could reject you overtly.) all those arguments about her just needing stress relieve would apply.

There is a whole 'nuther layer to this than that.

Last edited by michzz; 10-22-2010 at 10:56 AM.
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Old 10-22-2010, 03:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

You've gotten some very good suggestions on what may possibly be going on.

Maybe I discuss technique for a minute just to cover additional bases.

When you say:
Quote:
Our sex life has always been amazing
Are you 100% certain she would agree? I'll share my story in case it's useful to you. When my H and I first got together, I considered it my duty (duty of love, mind you) to engage him sexually whenever he was interested. Mind you, I was often also interested, so it worked out. However, I found myself without orgasm a VERY disproportionate amount of times and started to resent him and resent the whole act of having sex with him. He was very sensitive to criticism and I tried to find very gentle ways of encouraging him to, well, get me off. But at first I was so worried about bruising his ego that I spent way too long pretending that either I had been pleased or that I was just fine with not having "finished" and he could just "catch me next time". Anyway, my point is that, if you had asked him back then, he would have said that our sex life was "amazing" ... however, it was amazing for HIM. In the meantime, I grew to resent him something awful and, eventually, took to pleasing myself over doing it with him. This, of course, was in large part my mistake for not speaking up for my needs and for not even respecting the fact that I did have needs.

Not saying this is your situation. Just suggesting that you be sure that the sex life WAS amazing. Women rarely throw away "amazing" sex lives for masturbation.

Having said that, given the nightshift work, I would also consider not approaching her for sex right after she's coming home from a night shift. I can see how a quick individual session would be much more appealing than all that's involved in sex with a partner.

Finally, seems like there are problems outside the bedroom that need to be address. Focus on those first ... chances are that's the source of the sexual problems anyway.
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Old 10-25-2010, 01:22 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

Lots of double standards on this board.

If a man dosen't get head then hes supost to except it.
If a woman don't get head then she married to the biggest jerk in the world.

If a woman would rather Jilloff(masterbate)then she was to tired or some other bull **** excuse

But if a man would rather masterbate then theres a real problem and hes addicted to porn.

Not really responding to people who responded to this particular thread.
It just seems like there are two set of rules conserning certian things.
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Old 10-25-2010, 03:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Wink Re: My wife would rather masturbate, what do i do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
Lots of double standards on this board.

If a man dosen't get head then hes supost to except it.
If a woman don't get head then she married to the biggest jerk in the world.

If a woman would rather Jilloff(masterbate)then she was to tired or some other bull **** excuse

But if a man would rather masterbate then theres a real problem and hes addicted to porn.

Not really responding to people who responded to this particular thread.
It just seems like there are two set of rules conserning certian things.
Keep coming back and you'll find that there are really no "rules" , it's more about how some people view reality.
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