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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 10-24-2010, 09:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Just venting

My husband and I have had less and less frequent sex. He has turned me down when I have made advances.
This week-end I kind of turned him down. He did not make any advances, but I got up early on the one day a week we occasionally have sex.
He is now so angry at me. He won't stay in the same room, and is stomping around.
I tried to tell him that I feel rejected and sad every time he says no, but he says that it is different. He says I left to punish him, and when he says no it is because he is tired.
Maybe he is right. I wasn't thinking punishment, but I was thinking that I am tired that everything is always on his terms.
Should I be hopeful that now he knows how I feel? Or did I mess things up by not going with the flow?
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Old 10-24-2010, 11:08 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just venting

putting sex apart, how is ur day-to-day with him?
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Old 10-24-2010, 09:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just venting

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Originally Posted by Lucee74 View Post
Should I be hopeful that now he knows how I feel? Or did I mess things up by not going with the flow?
I dont think you messed things up. Did he get upset? yes. did you send mixed signals to him? ya. BUT, you have to take your focus off of him right now. You're learning how to feel right with yourself again and its incredibly complicated. separate yourself from his reaction the best you can, and ask yourself, what was your motive behind your actions? and how did your action make you feel?

this is what i ask myself when i act. i try not to react to my H. sometimes my actions make my H angry, frustrated, and i feel guilty for rejecting him since i was always the one asking for sex. he's confused because all he see's is, she wants sex but she's walking away. He gets really confused. But, what i have to ask myself is, was getting even with him, making him feel what i feel, or was he in any way a motivation behind my action? if the answer is yes, then it was an impure motive. The problem with that is you will never be happy with that approach. Your soul goal has to shift to your own happiness, and you'll have to start really noticing that any time you try and get your point across to him, you're not at peace with yourself.

Getting sex is not my goal anymore. Getting my H to understand how I feel is not my goal. feeling good about myself is my goal. i used to think that getting sex equated with feeling good, but im finding that that is not the case. i feel good and i rarely have sex. i feel sad for my relationship, but that's a different story. that is my motivation and i try to remember that when i make any decision.
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Old 10-24-2010, 10:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just venting

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Originally Posted by Lucee74 View Post
I tried to tell him that I feel rejected and sad every time he says no, but he says that it is different. He says I left to punish him, and when he says no it is because he is tired. Maybe he is right. I wasn't thinking punishment, but I was thinking that I am tired that everything is always on his terms. Should I be hopeful that now he knows how I feel? Or did I mess things up by not going with the flow?
I think it is Good that the truth has come out. A shame it had to come out by your rejecting him. BUt good that he got mad - and cared. Maybe I am twisted, but that would make ME feel better, than if he didnt care at all.

If you truly want the sex, and more of it, by all means be available when you know he is in the mood, but at the same time, there is nothing wrong with opening up and expressing your hurt when you are feeling rejected. Not enough spouses do this, they start playing games, using the Silent treatment, none of this is good.

Is he really tired or do you feel it is an excuse?

My husband needs way more sleep than me. I have a high energy level. These days, cause I want alot of sex, I make sure he gets his sleep , I will send him to bed early if we might want a romp in the morning before work.

Now that the truth has come out, how is HE responding to you ? Caring or cold , same old same old ?
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Old 10-24-2010, 11:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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He should be talking to you about it like an adult, not having a tanty like a 3 year old. He's done it to you before and no it is not different. Maybe make an example out of it and say "this is how it feels like for me, when you turn me down". Maybe it will open his eyes?
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