Want to feel sexy again.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Want to feel sexy again.

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-29-2014, 01:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Want to feel sexy again.

I've been married for 4 years and we dated for 3 years. The first 2.5 years of dating, we had an amazing sex life. I felt very sexy. He enjoyed watching me masturbate and I would even make videos of myself and we would have sex while he would be watching the video. We had sex at least once a day, often more.

Eventually the amount of sex died down. I started noticing that it was always me that was the "initiator". I always and still do to this day, tell him that my fantasy is for him to be the "dominant" one, I want him to just grab me and decide its time to have sex. Like sling me around and be the one in control. Every time I bring that up, he says he doesnt want to have sex with me if i dont want it. But I always tell him that even if I wasnt in the mood, that if he did that then I would be in the mood.

Back to the main topic, even before we got married our sex life drastically dropped. We used to joke that before we got married we would not have sex for one month prior to wedding so on our honeymoon we would want it really bad. Back in the day, that seemed impossible! But by the time we did get married, we were already not having sex months at a time.

So, now, in the present state. We have sex about once a month. I am in my 20's, I'm a runner and I know that men find me sexy. If i wear skimpy or sexy clothes around the house, my husband doesn't even care. The only way these days to turn him on is by oral. When sex is initiated, he just lays on his back and asks me to give him oral so he can be "ready". I just wish that he was turned on just by looking at me. Or by me masturbating, (which he doesn't like if i do that anymore). Or by him initiating foreplay on me. I just want to feel sexy again. In a selfish way I feel like my body is being "wasted". I would do anything with this man sexually and he doesn't even want it.

I do talk to him about it. I tell him that because he doesn't touch me that it makes me feel like he thinks im gross or unattractive. I tell him that I feel like i initiate everything and I tell him that I wish he would do more with me. I really miss the kissing, caressing, rubbing .... so frustrated!! I do all that for him! I know he likes it when I pay attention to him in such detail but why cant i get that back in return? Need help!!
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Old 03-29-2014, 01:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to feel sexy again.

So how does he respond when you tell him how you feel?

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Old 03-29-2014, 01:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to feel sexy again.

What is his response when you tell him what you need and want from him?

Your husband has some problems!
1. Testosterone problem
2. Porn abuse
3. Affair
4. He's just not a very sexual guy and never will be.

Could be any one of the above. Start with number 1 and continue to weed out until you reach number 4. Once you reach number 4 your choice is to live a sexless, romance less, passionless life, or get out while the getting is good!
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Old 03-29-2014, 01:53 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to feel sexy again.

And you're in your 20's... How old is he?

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Old 03-29-2014, 02:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to feel sexy again.

Is he on any medications? Does he bore easily? ADHD or anything like that?
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Old 03-29-2014, 02:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to feel sexy again.

Sometimes he says he thinks something is wrong with him in the regard. Occasionally he will go limp during sex and I tell him its OK. That stuff like that just happens. He said he just sometimes thinks about it too much like it's anxiety. Everytime I mention my needs he always says he will do better. Sometimes I notice an effort but it's pitiful and short lived. He is 32. He doesn't take meds. He works out and stays in shape.
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Old 03-29-2014, 02:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Is he on any medications? Does he bore easily? ADHD or anything like that?
He is very laid back and easy to please.
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Old 03-29-2014, 03:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to feel sexy again.

Can you persuade him to go in for a medical, including testosterone checking?

At 32, with a willing wife, daily or more sex would have been GREAT! Hell, even at 46, daily is good! Something's not right, but you may have to push him out of his comfort zone to find out what it is.

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Old 03-29-2014, 10:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to feel sexy again.

OMG, with a wife like you, he must have some kind of issue like Anon Pink suggested. My gut is low testosterone, or porn. I admire and am sincerely jealous of all you do for him. I can only wish my wife was as open and willing as you are.

Tell him how important it is to get a good physical with blood work that includes testosterone levels. His actions are not "normal" for his age.

Damn, what a lucky guy to have you as his wife!!!!!!!!!! Let us know how things turn out.
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Old 03-29-2014, 11:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to feel sexy again.

How old is he? I would look into low testosterone levels (my husband is low T) or porn use.

I wouldn't let him just lay back and you've got up get him hard with oral just so you can have sex - he's got to come to the party too. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

Does he suffer from depression - is he on antidepressants?
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Old 03-30-2014, 11:29 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to feel sexy again.

Thanks everyone for your input. At least I know this isn't normal because I've been trying to tell myself that it was for the last 4 years. I keep trying to accept it but it's very difficult!! I know that its not porn or an affair. In fact, I would be thrilled if I found out he was looking at porn or even looking at another chic! Because I'd be happy that sex actually interests him! He just doesn't seem to care about any of it! I'll mess with him sometimes and pull up a porn video (because this used to work) to see if I could spark some interest in him... But nothing. He just says for me to stop looking at it.

I think it must be the testosterone. I'm definitely going to bring it up. He works at a doctors office so maybe he can get checked there. And no, he isnt depressed at all. I'd be so happy if there is a cure!!! Not sure what I'll do next though if that doesn't fix it!

I'll let ya know how it goes!
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Old 03-30-2014, 11:40 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone for your input. At least I know this isn't normal because I've been trying to tell myself that it was for the last 4 years. I keep trying to accept it but it's very difficult!! I know that its not porn or an affair. In fact, I would be thrilled if I found out he was looking at porn or even looking at another chic! Because I'd be happy that sex actually interests him! He just doesn't seem to care about any of it! I'll mess with him sometimes and pull up a porn video (because this used to work) to see if I could spark some interest in him... But nothing. He just says for me to stop looking at it.

I think it must be the testosterone. I'm definitely going to bring it up. He works at a doctors office so maybe he can get checked there. And no, he isnt depressed at all. I'd be so happy if there is a cure!!! Not sure what I'll do next though if that doesn't fix it!

I'll let ya know how it goes!
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If you are certain it's not porn, and equally certain he isn't having an affair that leaves only two potential culprits. One can be cure by seeing an endocrinologist, the other can not be cured at all.

Crossing my fingers you find something off on the blood work.

BTW, he needs to see his primary care and he needs to come clean with his doc regarding lack of sex drive and ED. So go with him! No man can easily admit the extent of their sexual dysfunction. You have to make him see and agree that his lack of sex drive IS A PROBLEM.
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Old 03-30-2014, 11:41 AM   #13 (permalink)
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How old is he? I would look into low testosterone levels (my husband is low T) or porn use.


I wouldn't let him just lay back and you've got up get him hard with oral just so you can have sex - he's got to come to the party too. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

Does he suffer from depression - is he on antidepressants?
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Posted via Mobile Devicee is 32. Yes I tell him often that I don't like to always have to make him hard. I trek him he should help me out sometimes. It's like he doesn't get it because I'm a girl and I don't need to be "hard" to have sex so why does he need to do anything for me? Ugh
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Old 03-30-2014, 11:45 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want to feel sexy again.

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Posted via Mobile Devicee is 32. Yes I tell him often that I don't like to always have to make him hard. I trek him he should help me out sometimes. It's like he doesn't get it because I'm a girl and I don't need to be "hard" to have sex so why does he need to do anything for me? Ugh
Ugh is right! So on top of not having a sex drive, he is a lazy and selfish lover to boot! Sounds like your husband has no idea what women are all about.
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Old 03-30-2014, 11:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by tinybuddha58 View Post
I've been married for 4 years and we dated for 3 years. The first 2.5 years of dating, we had an amazing sex life. I felt very sexy. He enjoyed watching me masturbate and I would even make videos of myself and we would have sex while he would be watching the video. We had sex at least once a day, often more.

Eventually the amount of sex died down. I started noticing that it was always me that was the "initiator". I always and still do to this day, tell him that my fantasy is for him to be the "dominant" one, I want him to just grab me and decide its time to have sex. Like sling me around and be the one in control. Every time I bring that up, he says he doesnt want to have sex with me if i dont want it. But I always tell him that even if I wasnt in the mood, that if he did that then I would be in the mood.



Back to the main topic, even before we got married our sex life drastically dropped. We used to joke that before we got married we would not have sex for one month prior to wedding so on our honeymoon we would want it really bad. Back in the day, that seemed impossible! But by the time we did get married, we were already not having sex months at a time.

So, now, in the present state. We have sex about once a month. I am in my 20's, I'm a runner and I know that men find me sexy. If i wear skimpy or sexy clothes around the house, my husband doesn't even care. The only way these days to turn him on is by oral. When sex is initiated, he just lays on his back and asks me to give him oral so he can be "ready". I just wish that he was turned on just by looking at me. Or by me masturbating, (which he doesn't like if i do that anymore). Or by him initiating foreplay on me. I just want to feel sexy again. In a selfish way I feel like my body is being "wasted". I would do anything with this man sexually and he doesn't even want it.

I do talk to him about it. I tell him that because he doesn't touch me that it makes me feel like he thinks im gross or unattractive. I tell him that I feel like i initiate everything and I tell him that I wish he would do more with me. I really miss the kissing, caressing, rubbing .... so frustrated!! I do all that for him! I know he likes it when I pay attention to him in such detail but why cant i get that back in return? Need help!!

Wow Tiny, you sure we are not married to the same person? My wife is almost exactly as you describe. At least she has been for several months now. There is no fire or strong emotion from her towards me. She is happy just going through the motions and I am so despitately in need of much more. I feel alone on the inside and I want more than just her physical touch. I need to feel her desire and passion for me to even be arroused and excited. I so feel your pain and know exactly what you are going through. It does not seem to matter how hard i try or how much effort I put it I cant seem to get her to understand.
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