Stepping Out of Comfort Zone
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 10-27-2010, 02:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default UPDATE: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

Let me first start off with that what I am about to do is coming on the heels of recently (within last two months) finding out my H had an 8 month EA. We are in recovery now and have been encouraged to become intimate for the first time.

I do not necessarily want this posted on the 'coping with infidelity' forum as I don't really think it applies at this time but thought it was important background info.

So what I am looking for here are ways to engage in sex in a more playful manner before having sex. Let me say this however, I am very shy and withdrawn when it comes to sex. However, I am wanting to become a different kind of sex partner with my husband (we have been married 25 years and together 27 - we are high school sweethearts.) He has been my only experience. He had several sex partners before we met and obviously one other since then, however, he has been my one and only.

I don't want to go too far out there but would like to hear from some men out there on what their partners do that they enjoy. How playful they are before hand... sending emails or texts or leaving notes. Note: No pictures

I have a hard time talking dirty and really even letting it be known that I am 'in the mood'.

Would like to hear from others

Last edited by InRecoveryInNC; 11-11-2010 at 08:50 AM.
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Old 10-27-2010, 02:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

I think that this is going to be tough for you. My wife was also very reserved and it took me a long time to bring her out of her shell.
Try initiating - Wear some sexy lingerie (it doesn't have to be ****ty) and go sit in his lap as he watches TV.
Touch and guide his hand as he touches you.

Better yet, read Cosmo. There are always good tips in there. My wife and I both read it to see what fires us up.
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Old 10-27-2010, 02:42 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

I'm not a man....but I think my husband and I are pretty playful.

No pictures? Thats kinda a bummer. It's something I do for my hubby while he's gone and it certainly keeps things fun I like to do my hair and make up and then pull up the victoria's secret website and mimic them LOL. I actually get into it to. Today I came home and changed from my street clothes to my lounge ware and thought my boy shorts were to cute not to share...and that led to several fun e-mails between us.

I love giving and sending silly sexy texts when he is in the states. The day after a great night of sex I like to text him and thank him for......"Rocking my world" "Attempting to break the bed" "6 orgasms might be pushing it and put me in the hospital". What ever it is you wanna say that tells him he is the bomb
I also like to whisper things to him in public that I want to do to him later, just cuz we can't then, people are watching and it's kinda naughty.

I've done the whole "I'm not wearing any panties"...actually I did that in church and couldn't tell if he was pissed or excited when I whispered it to him. But he wasn't mad when we got home


How do you feel about yourself? I know after both my children were born I felt very uncomfortable with my body and didn't do allot of my normal things. I know it hurt him, which motivated me just to work harder at getting back to be comfortable with myself. One I had the self confidence back I started acting normal again!
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Old 10-27-2010, 02:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

There are a lot of little things you can do to be more playful as you put it. But it all depends on how comfortable with the act and with him. My wife has sent me pictures and texts are always fun.
You can make them as graphic or as tame as you're comfortable with. you don't need to be vulgar and graphic like "i want your hard juicy c*** now!" by saying "i want to feel your body against mine" you are getting the same message across just in a tamer way.

Lingerie is always a nice touch but i know my wife really isn't in to sexy clothes but when she is in bed before me and i crawl into bed to find her naked its just like Christmas!

Some of the fun things that drive me crazy for her are like what the last post said, when she whispers something in my ear or stealthily grabs me in a public place. Its just different ways that she reassures me that I still turn her on and that if given the choice she would still choose me!
One of the biggest aphrodisiacs for me is to know that she is into me!
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Old 10-28-2010, 09:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

So I wanted to report back that I have already taken the first step... yesterday I booked a room at a local motel. Sent him a text telling him where and when to met me and there was a key at the front desk for him.

He arrived while I was in shower (pre-planned on my part). I had his favorite mixed drink ready made and waiting for him.

When I got out of the shower, because I didn't have any other clothes to change into I of course remained naked and simply wrapped in a towel as I went to the bar to make me a drink.

I must say although that is very much out of character for me, I thoroughly enjoyed. It was the first time we have been intimate since the discovery of the EA. The sex was amazing. We played around for hours. I left my car there overnight, and on the way home, I provided him a peep show as well gave him a BJ.

We then went to bed, both naked and lay there intertwined all night. Then this a.m. he was aroused and he began to fondle me. We went pretty far, but stopped just before the heightened part of playing around leaving the other one in the throws of wanting it so bad but can't have it. But will pick up where we left off after work tonight.

He then go up, got dressed for work and drove me back to the hotel where I then went in and got ready for work.

We have texted back forth about last night and how much fun it was.

I believe that giving myself permission to be sexual is what has been needed and a reminder that sex between a married couple is not dirty.

I am looking forward to our next encounter.
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Old 10-28-2010, 09:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

Good for you HinCN!!!

Yes, sex and fun loving times is a must must must for a healthy relationship I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself!
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Old 10-28-2010, 11:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

See, you are farther along than you realized. The motel gambit sounds pitch-perfect to me.

I'm a big fan of Laura Corn's books - 101 nights of grrrreat sex, 101 nights of grrrreat romance, 52 invitations to grrreat sex, and so forth. Go to Amazon.com and search for Laura Corn and you will be rewarded.

Good work!
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Old 10-28-2010, 12:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtingInNC View Post
I believe that giving myself permission to be sexual is what has been needed and a reminder that sex between a married couple is not dirty.
Amen sister ! You can do this, that was one wonderful start, what you did, how you planned. Many many books on the market, plus advice here to help you LIGHT your fire and expreess that to him. Here is one example of many on amazon Amazon.com: Light His Fire: How to Keep Your Man Passionately and Hopelessly in Love With You (9780440207535): Ellen Kreidman: Books: Reviews, Prices & more

I too used to look at sex as "dirty" - husband used to joke I was like a NUN, I definetly feel he was exagerating but oh if you could see me in action now. Really, us women can have a revelation/awakening , we can change! Never doubt this.

I went from Nun mindset (sex is dirty, embarrassed about my body, Bj's were icky, had to have the light outs-under the covers, no moaning, rarely any flirting, didn't even think to buy lingerie) to Nympho/Seductress these days !! Now I heartliy Enjoy Porn, worship his penis, flirt all day long, so anxious to try new positions, moan in the bedroom, aggressively attack him when he gets home if I want it. He LOVES this! He never thought he would see it but is happy to ride this out as long as it lasts. We have always had a "good" marraige but this new passionate Lusting I have after him , well it is contagoius - and it has truly ENHANCED everything in our world. I am more patient with the kids, He is happier than he has ever been.

This is a sure fire way to AffAIR-PROOF your marraige to the man you love.

Other things you can do- Alot of good suggestions above, the whispering, the texting, when eating out ,touch him under the table sensually, touch his chest when sitting next to him & slide your hand down on him when noone is looking, give him that grin he is going to be a happy boy that night. Greet him at the door after work with lingerie, have fun searching Ebay for hot lingerie & surprising him in various ways, send him an email message with a Romantic love song that defines your love, (better yet if you have "Movie Maker software" on your computer, make him a VIDEO with the love song & memories of the 2 of you-from the beginning to now), plan a romantic Vacation (ex: Cove Haven, the Poconos -in PA) they have a private heart shaped swimming pool in your room!

So much sweetness ahead of you, your journey has just begun.

This dirtiness within marriage, where did this thinking come from -share your story if you will. Just know, as it was learned, it too can be UNlearned. My own struggle with this issue is proof.

So happy for your new start in life -towards Passion & LUST towards your husband. The more you give here, the more you may receive!
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Old 10-28-2010, 01:56 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

Wow! Thought you were SHY!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtingInNC View Post
So I wanted to report back that I have already taken the first step... yesterday I booked a room at a local motel. Sent him a text telling him where and when to met me and there was a key at the front desk for him.

He arrived while I was in shower (pre-planned on my part). I had his favorite mixed drink ready made and waiting for him.

When I got out of the shower, because I didn't have any other clothes to change into I of course remained naked and simply wrapped in a towel as I went to the bar to make me a drink.

I must say although that is very much out of character for me, I thoroughly enjoyed. It was the first time we have been intimate since the discovery of the EA. The sex was amazing. We played around for hours. I left my car there overnight, and on the way home, I provided him a peep show as well gave him a BJ.

We then went to bed, both naked and lay there intertwined all night. Then this a.m. he was aroused and he began to fondle me. We went pretty far, but stopped just before the heightened part of playing around leaving the other one in the throws of wanting it so bad but can't have it. But will pick up where we left off after work tonight.

He then go up, got dressed for work and drove me back to the hotel where I then went in and got ready for work.

We have texted back forth about last night and how much fun it was.

I believe that giving myself permission to be sexual is what has been needed and a reminder that sex between a married couple is not dirty.

I am looking forward to our next encounter.
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:52 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

yeah, im thinking you arent near as "shy" about sex as you think you are. you sounded like it in your first post, the second post tells a whole different story.

i would be shocked if my wife ever did anything like that, pleasently so.
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Old 10-28-2010, 07:04 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

You go girl!
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Old 10-28-2010, 08:17 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

Pssst...any way you can do a mind meld and whisper in my wife's ear?
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Old 10-28-2010, 10:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

Although it may come across as not being shy, trust me, it took a lot for me to get up enough courage to first of all allow those thoughts in to my head let alone go through with it.

After several strong drinks, I got up enough courage to call him and let him I had a room. It took several more to finish with the plans and several more to actually go through with it.

In regular situations, I don't have to drink to have normal/run of the mill sex with my husband, however, with this being our first time being intimate in quite some time due to his EA, I wanted to make the experience unforgettable.

I was a virgin when I met my husband and he has been my only experience. My mother was old school catholic and had actually never had the talk with me. The only discussion we ever had growing up was informing me that sex was a duty you had to do as the wife and was for the purpose of having children.

Early in our marriage I would put myself out there but was rejected time and time again and therefore found myself withdrawing and finally just assuming my role as the good wife regarding sex.

I was well in to my thirties the first time I actually masturbated on my own when I was by myself. I would play with myself while engaging in sex with my husband but he would always initiate it and then take my hand for me to finish.

He, as most teenage boys, enjoyed looking at Hustler and Playboy magazines. He was really into porn almost to an addiction. Because I was already insecure about sex, having to compare myself to these women even more of reason for me to decide that my role was what I been brought up to believe.

I found my husband subscribing to the site where girls will talk dirty to you and he perused the personal ads on craigslist telling me he was just intrigued. This of course added to my insecurities.

I was an athlete in high school when we met, I was very physically fit and still had issues with my body. Over the years after two children and several medical conditions, I definitely know I am not nearly as attractive as I was when we first met. Mind you, he too was an athlete and very buff and is now around 60-80 pounds overweight. But I have always loved him for him regardless of what he looked like.

So in addition to my viewpoint of sex being skewed my insecurities about myself added to me become an introvert.

I admit that his affair has hit me hard and I am not simply having sex with him to keep but as part of our healing, I am trying to replace his bad sexual experiences with me with new more exciting.

I don't what lies ahead regarding being able to have unbridled sex or more free sex without the help of alcohol, but I want to have as much fun as I can while I reteach myself that sex with your spouse to be enjoyed by both.
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Old 10-29-2010, 07:41 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

Young boys looking at those magazines when they are growing up ---SOOOOO normal, you seem to understand that. Maybe not the best thing to do in life, but testosterone was ruling their minds as Puberty struck them. They all seeked this kind of entertainment out. Now it is computer looking, what we have today is ALOT worse, with women being able to flirt with men-live , and Cyber sex. I am sure more hurtful addictions come from these things.

You mention you put yourself out there and YOU was rejected, so in your earlier years, he was using the Porn OVER you? This can be very destructive in any marraige. Plus having been taught so little about the beauty of sex, the spiritual side of bonding & emotional connection. Your husband needs to learn this as well as yourself.

Where is your husband in all of this ? Is he NOW committed to overcoming his prior addictions that have hurt you so deeply? This will only help you acheive this freedom in the bedroom that will knock his socks off.
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Old 10-29-2010, 09:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Oh yes, I am definitely aware that young men used this as a normal 'coming of age'/right of passage, and being that we met while still in high school, I understand that completely. The situation started really becoming an issue for me in the college years and early in our marriage.

Just within the last day or two he has apologized and accepted his role and his responsibility for my sexual development or lack thereof.
We recently had a discussion where I openly shared with him, that in my mind, whether it be accurate or not, I viewed his attraction/addiction to the websites and live talks and personal ads as him not being happy or satisfied with what he had at home, which hurt deeply because although we were not having sex daily or even weekly, I did things that I did not feel comfortable with because it was my 'wifely duty' to do so. And even more hurtful to me was that he felt he needed more and what he wanted was definitely not the things an immature young women would feel comfortable doing if they were going to always be compared to what he was watching, or looking at or even having women telling him what they would do to him. So my insecurities and my inexperience added to his addiction was only setting us up for having a difficult road ahead of us and we both were to young and immature to know this. He shared with me that he never expected me to do everything he was watching or really ever even compared me physically to them. He did however state that what he did do was want access to me but he always felt that because I was not open to being more sexual he felt like he was taking advantage of me and was having sex with someone who did not want him or want to have sex period, therefore that is why he turned to the outside sources and eventually another woman.

I don't really know where he is in the big picture regarding watching movies or looking at videos and magazines as there is and was so much hurt over the years over so many other things I have not gotten the courage to ask him about this outright. For now, I would have to say that is more than likely because I don't want to know the answer so soon into our recovery.

For me, I feel bad because that means that for at least 20 years of our marriage we have both missed out on the opportunity to bond both physically and emotionally.

We are working on it together, but I believe I will have to grow first before him and all the while we both are reaching out and working toward the healing.
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