Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
If you remember she had given her wedding ring back to me with the comment "return it when you want a wife instead of a wh0re" plus had a the crazy once a week deal she wanted me to accept by the following Sunday.
Well I had forgotten about the ring and it's still put away in my drawer - she hasn't asked about it.
I never accepted - held my position that I wanted a spontaneious free flowing sex life, not a scheduled form of duty sex.
So sunday came and went and I have heard nothing more out of her about this. She has warmed up and as far as I can tell has moved on and given up on this.
I haven't really pursued her for sex at all. And still have her ring. Anyone who has followed this thread..... have an opinion on the ring? When we were first married during a fight she threw her ring at me and I held it for 6 months before returning it. What should I do this time? Hold it, just return it to her desk and say nothing? Wait for her to ask about it? (I haven't worn mine for a year or more as it wore through and I haven't gotten it fixed yet)
I should point out also that whe just returned from a business trip, and has been on her period for the last week which is part of the reason we haven't been very intimate. (although she gave me oral before leaving for her trip)
The best answer, deal with it exactly as you wish, as long as whatever happens, your composure is calm, confident, and in control.
FOr example, if it was myself, I would take out the ring to show my wife, and with a big smile ask her to explain the difference between a wife and a wh0re.
Regardless of her answer, let her speak and listen intently, repeat some aspect of her answer back to her to show her you are listening and understand what she is saying.
If her answer is acceptable, kindly ask her for her hand, and place the ring back on it's rightful place.
If she gets unreasonable, or throws a tantrum, calmly put ring back in pocket and go about your business until some other time.
Again, this just an example, but notice to keep calm and control, a little humor, and give your woman opportunity to share her side in doing all this.
Ask her what her choice is.
She obviously doesn't give a sh!t about the ring. If you approach the subject in terms of feeling hurt that she isn't wearing it - you lose.
Given that you haven't taken the time to get your own ring fixed, it can't be all of that big a deal to you. If you want to make a statement, have your ring repaired and start wearing it without mentioning hers.
How are you feeling overall? Still feel like you're walking around on eggshells?
Feeling pretty good really. Were in an O.K. place. I wouldn't say things are exceptional but there fair to good. She just came off her period, a business trip, and now has a a good cold so it's hard to see how things are going to be right now - although they are civil.
I have been doing what I want, and planning and exceuting things with my kids and generally extend and invite but follow through weather she joins or not.
Also any time she is unreasonable or has an unrealistic expectation I flat out dismiss it and move on.
My brother just suprised me with Bon Jovi tickets for next march. I told her about it to share my excitment and she was slightly irritated that I hadn't talked to her about it first. I calmly told her that that's how suprises work, I didn't know about it unil I did. And I don't need her permission to do something like that. Especially since she has had a few trips recently with her sisters. Another sh!t test.
I'm not even discussing it with her, I told her I was going and have been working on the details. She had dropped it and is moving on. I didn't show much emotion regarding her sh!t test regarding it but I do find it offensive. I'm now thinking of staying for the weekend instead of just the one night out of town - just because.
Man you guys have great ideas. I liken this to when you struggle to solve a problem over and over and just can't see the forest for the trees, then someone comes in and at a glance see's the answer. Makes you wonder why you didn't see the obvious yourself right from the start. Mind you occasionally, I have caught myself reaching for the calculator to add to numbers together than I can easily do in my head!
Everyone's a star when it comes to armchair quarterbacking.
Just keep the input in perspective. You got feedback from a guy who has been married and maintains an intimate relationship with his wife after 20 years, and a recovering Nice Guy whose marriage tanked in less than a decade. (Learning from his mistakes )
Regardless, the more comfortable and confident you are with your behavior - the better served both you and your marriage will be.
Eagleclaw .... I feel your pain. I am in the same boat as you, just a little further down the stream. Hopefully you can steer better than I have. I am 47, been married 22 years.
I have spent the last 22 years being a suck up. I thought I was being a good husband and a good partner, but I now know that I was being a doormat.
Most of my days are now spent being scared. Scared that when I come home she will be grumpy. Scared that if I hug her, she will push me away. Scared that if I don't hug her, we will have no affection/relationship. I lie in bed beside her at night scared of reaching out to her because there is a 90% chance she will reject me. Scared to tell her what went on during the day, because she will criticize how I handled something. Scared to give the kids heck for something and scared not to.
I sound like a loser. But I wasn't always this way and I am not a loser anywhere other than my home. I was a very good athlete and captain of many teams including a volleyball team in college. I graduated from high school and college with honors. I have a successful business and am well liked and respected by colleagues. When I go out, I am the life of the party and nobody would believe the way I am in my own home (Except for my children that see how things are). Nobody would believe my wife is the way she is at home either.
I have reached my limit of being scared. For the past 2 weeks I have moved to the guest room. I know that if I was to stay in bed with her, I would be too weak to not reach out to her. I haven't spoken with her and she hasn't spoken with me. This was after three weeks of approaching her and getting rejected and having an argument. Nothing different than what we have been doing for many years.
But I must have reached a limit. I am no longer going to put myself in a place where I am going to be rejected. We have had many fights over the years and it usually starts as me trying to get affection/sex. Goes to where we aren't very nice to each other. Ends with me approaching her. Apologizing for the things I said that weren't too nice. She may eventually admit that she is also to blame because of being so cold to me. She has never once been the one to come to me, to reach out to me.
I really have no idea what is going to happen. She started out not caring that I moved to the guest room. The last couple of days she has shown that she is angry. Not sure if that is a good sign or not. I don't expect her to come to me and I am trying not to reach out to her. I feel like it is over.
Re: How to handle rejection... 
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